Ten Years Ago

Roman and I haven’t spoken in weeks. I hung up and turned off my phone when he obliterated my heart into tiny, irreparable shards. I didn’t know words could cause so much damage to a person, to their heart, to their soul. I never questioned Roman’s loyalty or love. It’s something he gave me for free, he filled me and showered me with it every day. In moments of weakness over the past few weeks, I’ve called him. He never answered or called back.

Staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, I wonder if he’s even thought about me. Did I do something? If I said something or did something wrong, I wish he would have told me. I could fix it. I could be better. Am I not good enough? Did he meet someone else?

I swipe angrily at the tears falling down into my hair when a soft knock makes me turn toward the door. I don’t bother telling whoever it is that the door is open, anyone in my family will just walk right in. “Hey, doll.”

My dad leans against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest. His creased eyebrows and frown make fresh tears spring to my eyes. I know my family is worried about me. I haven’t given them any details, simply told them that Roman and I are over.

He strides across the room and sits on the edge of my bed, wiping my tears from my face. “I hate to see you cry, doll.”

He’s called me doll my entire life. The only time he calls me by name is when I’m in trouble or severely testing his patience.

I shrug my shoulders. “I think constantly crying is my new reality.”

“What happened?” He asks, wiping each tear before it falls.

I sit up bringing my comforter with me and wrapping it around my shoulders, staring at my father. A sob breaks free when I ask him the question that has been plaguing me. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”

“Roman? Not love you? That’s impossible.”

I suck in a giant breath, trying to compose myself so I can speak. “Open the blinds, pigs must be flying and hell is freezing over because the impossible is happening. He doesn’t love me.”

My dad shakes his head, trying to hide a smile. “Why would you think that? This is simply a new challenge for the two of you. Long distance can be tough.”

“He told me he doesn’t love me.” My heart is shattered. Roman’s cruel tone and harsh words replay in my mind. I wonder when he stopped loving me. Was it before he left for basic training? During the training? Maybe he realized how boring I am through my letters. He always thought I was the most fascinating person he’d ever met. I thought he saw the real me, the one underneath the facade. Shiny, blonde hair? Check. Fashionable clothes? Check. Great GPA? Check. On the outside, I’m confident and sure, but I crumble to pieces on the inside.

“I don’t believe that for a minute, doll.”

“He said it!” I cry, gripping my hair and rocking in the blanket. I wipe my eyes against the fabric. My dad shakes his head, looking at me. His jaw is clenched and eyebrows drawn in.

“He lied,” my father insists. “I know that boy.”

“He’s never lied to me. He wouldn’t lie about this.”

“I don’t know his reasons, but I know he’s lying. Roman loves you. The kind of love that terrifies a father. The first time that boy walked into our house, your mother and I knew he was it for you. He couldn’t take his eyes away from you for more than one second. He was so protective, even in the beginning. The love you two share isn’t something you typically see in high school. It’s real. His love for you is ferocious. He’d take on anything just to be with you for a minute. I’m telling you, doll, he lied.”

I let my dad’s words soak in. I want to argue with him. Roman wouldn’t hurt me this way if he loves me. He must mean it. The distance between us started weeks ago and he chose not to come home during his leave. Roman hasn’t loved me for a while.

“You’ve barely left your room in the past few weeks except to be a zombie at school. It’s time for you to join your family again. We miss seeing your face at the dinner table. Come on, doll. Think about what I said. If I go down those stairs to dinner without you, your mother may finally kill me.”

The corners of my lips twitch for the first time in weeks. I slowly climb off the bed and follow my dad downstairs, mulling over everything he said. Is he right? Does Roman still love me? Does he have a reason?

* * *

There’s a light on in Roman’s apartment when I pull into the parking lot. Rain is pelting the windows of my car as I stare at the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. My dad’s words ran through my mind most of the night. These past weeks have been so different. This is not the Roman I know and love. Something’s going on. Love doesn’t just shut off.

I woke my parents early this morning and begged them to let me drive to see Roman. They were reluctant to let me go, yet agreed to it—only if I called every hour of the fourteen-hour drive. I should be with them right now at a play my sister’s been dying to see, but my seat will be empty. I’m going to win my love back. I’ll make him see we belong together, he’s everything to me. I have to still mean something to him. I can’t think about the alternative.

If only I could gather up enough courage to actually get out of the car and knock on the door. I roll my eyes when my cell phone rings. I already called my parents to tell them I arrived safely and in one piece, but they’re probably making sure I’m still okay. I glance down at the caller ID and smile.

“I’m sure you’ve heard where I am by now, Uncle Santiago,” I say when I answer the phone. “I promise, I’m okay. You and my parents worry too much.”

“Doll.”

My smile freezes and falls away when I hear Uncle Santiago’s choked word. “Are you okay?”

“Where are you, doll?”

“I’m at Roman’s place in South Carolina. What’s going on? What’s happening?” Fear slides into my stomach. My teeth start chattering despite the warm temperature.

He takes a deep breath before he begins speaking. “I have to tell you something, but first I need you to agree to something.”

“What’s going on?” I ask through my chattering teeth.

“Harper, Doll, I need you to agree to what I’m going to ask of you.”

“Okay.”

“Roman’s going to drive you home, right away. I will pay for his plane ticket back home.”

“Okay,” I say again, confused.

“Do you agree?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

Another choked sound comes through the line. “Dammit. I don’t want to do this over the phone.”

I stay quiet, terrified of what’s coming. I think I already know, though, but it’s too awful to think about it, to admit even in my own mind. I’m unwilling to think anything until I hear the words from Uncle Santiago.

“They’re dead.” A soft sob breaks his words as he struggles to speak.

“Who?” I ask, already shaking my head as the first tear slips down my cheek.

“All of them.”

“No,” I whisper. My parents’ and Sadie’s faces flash through my mind. “You can’t mean…” I can’t even finish the words. It’s not true. It’s not. It’s not. The hardness of the steering wheel against my forehead holds me in place as tears fall freely down my cheeks. My body shakes as I inhale on a sob.

This isn’t true.

“Who?” I ask, hoping he means someone else. Anyone else. I hate myself for hoping someone else is dead besides my family. I should be hoping no one is dead, but someone is. People are. It just can’t be my family.

“Your parents. Sadie,” my tough, always-composed uncle cries. His voice cracks on a choked sob through my sister’s name. My head starts shaking faster, rejecting the information.

“No, you’re wrong. They’re fine,” I insist. I don’t even know what happened, but he’s wrong. He has to be wrong.

“I’m so sorry, doll. I’m so, so sorry.” He keeps repeating his words through his sniffling and harsh breathing.

“What happened?”

“They were shot,” he says, and the horror in his tone scares me.

“B—but, I just talked to them.”

“I know. Come home, Harper. Get Roman to bring you home.” I nod even though he can’t see me. He keeps talking. “I’m at the police station. I need you to come home.”

“Okay,” I whisper.

“I love you, doll.”

I nod, unable to speak, unable to tell him I love him, too. The call ends before I can muster the words. I stare at the light in Roman’s apartment again, needing him now more than ever. The rain drowns me as soon as I step out from the car. The never-ending tears slide down my face and mix with the rain. I sprint to his door, pounding on it, silently begging him to open. I’m staring at my shoes when the door opens.

“Roman,” I say, my voice breaking. When I look up, it’s not Roman’s dark eyes I see, though. It’s a girl. A woman. She looks so much older than I am. She’s standing in nothing but a t-shirt. A t-shirt with my high school’s insignia. It’s Roman’s shirt. Each thing I notice comes into my mind slowly as I process what I’m seeing.

I stare at her, wondering who she is. The tears haven’t stopped flowing. She smirks at me, clearly amused by the drowned rat in front of her. Long and slender legs peek out from the shirt she’s wearing. Her long hair is perfectly curled but mussed as if she just had the greatest sex of her life. Denial lodges itself in my throat. This can’t be happening.

“Is–is Roman here?” I stutter.

“No, he went to get us some food. We worked up quite the appetite.” She winks at me.

“Who are you?”

“Harper,” I answer automatically, wiping the tears from my eyes. “I really need to talk to him.”

“Harper?” She chuckles quietly when she says my name. I stare at her again. She’s still smirking as she looks me up and down. “He said you were pathetic but I didn’t think anyone could possibly be as pathetic as he described.”

I take a step away from her, the rain hitting my back. He told her I’m pathetic? I gulp, staring at her again, seeing her messy hair and bright eyes in a completely new light. The reality swallows me whole and leaves me empty.

“He said that?” I ask quietly.

“He said a lot of things about you, Harper. Naive little girl, thinking a man like that could be interested in you. Sure, you entertained him but you’re nothing now. You should have seen him trying to hold in his laughter when he broke up with you.”

I take another step back, feeling like she’s hitting me with each of her words. My knees are quaking so hard, I’m terrified they’ll give out right in front of her.

“You were there?”

“Of course, I was. He can’t get enough of me and I can’t get enough of him.”

My entire body starts trembling as my heart breaks even more. My family is dead. The boy I’m in love with thinks I’m pathetic. He’s been cheating on me. I turn to run back to my car when her words stop me. “I’ll tell him you stopped by.”

I turn back toward her, watching her laugh as I stand in the rain, completely soaked and broken. “Please don’t,” I yell before running to my car and peeling out of the parking lot.