Tatum

For the first time today, I exhale. It seems like I’ve been holding my breath all day; maybe I’ve been holding it in for the reaction I was going to get when I finally climbed the mountain and stood at the top and told my friends about the connection I had with Sam. I don’t know, but the weight of the world has been lifted. One more obstacle to go, and I’ll slide down the other side with ease. Hopefully.

After what felt like an eternity of feeling sorry for myself last night, I woke up and decided the first step in changing the course of my life was to open up and share what Sam did to me.

With every second that ticks off, my relief fades away and my nerves take over. This wasn’t the ideal time to break the news, nor was I planning on doing it at the hospital. I had to. I’ve been avoiding my past long enough.

My plans shifted when I saw Dean and Leila outside being hounded by reporters. I knew they had to be coming to see Joslyn and the baby. I half expected them to be in here when I walked in.

I glance at the clock. I’ve no idea what’s keeping them or where they went after they entered the hospital. She was visibly upset after I saw them getting harassed, so maybe he’s trying to calm her down somewhere. I sure hope she’s alright.

It angered me even to think I was guilty by association watching those people swarm them. When I saw Carl, a friend of Sam’s, I laid into him. I’m sure what I said went in one ear and out the other. At least by getting his attention, it got most of them turning their heads toward me, and the two of them were able to get inside without the insensitive assholes following them to the door.

There are many reasons why I’ve kept this to myself, and I’m not sure what all Dean witnessed or heard on the beach. I’ve shared my entire story as well as my reason with these two, and I hope I’ll be able to share everything with Dean, too. Only what I have to say to him, I’d prefer not doing it here.

I sigh. The ends of my nerves are ready to sizzle. I’ll feel worse than I do if he thinks I tried to kill myself on a day that he lost his son, or if I’m a reminder about a man who wouldn’t let him grieve in peace. One thing is certain: I’ll do whatever it takes to make him understand my avoidance once he realizes I’ve been around and have done everything I could to stay clear of him.

I’m thirty-one years old, and it’s time I let go of my past and move on; and thanking the man who saved my life is the beginning.

I remember how Dean’s gentle voice brought me comfort whenever I think back to what could have happened to me. I recall spending time on the couch watching video after video of Trained in Black when I shut my phone off and hid from the outside world for weeks while I tried to deal with the blow that broke me. These men and their lyrics helped me get through one of the most heartbreaking times of my life. And Dean… Even with my heart shattered all over the place, the man was sinfully gorgeous to me. I quivered a time or two at the way the muscles in his arms flexed when he banged on his drums. A deep, silky-smooth voice and dangerous to many women’s hearts, I’m sure.

I exhale once again. My mind drifts back to a part of me I will never forget and how all I could think about after Dean walked away was what my ex-fiancé did to me and how much he bitched about hating Dean more than he cared about making sure I was alright. What a total dick. I can’t imagine where my life would be today if I had married him. An icy shiver runs through me just thinking about it.

“God, Tatum, I’m glad you opened up to us. If I didn’t think your ex-was an asshole before, I sure do now. If I were Dean, I would have beaten his ass right there on the beach. Again.” Leave it to Roman to say it like it is.

“I’m over him, trust me. Once again, I apologize for telling you here. Now you know why I’ve avoided coming over when I knew Dean was there.” I don’t want to discuss what happened with Sam anymore. He lied to me, and I should have listened to Erica when she told me he was hiding something from me. I didn’t believe her, and we argued about it for weeks.

Sam and I dated all through high school and college. We lived together for years, and I swore up and down he would never do anything to hurt me. I truly loved him, and he broke me in ways I didn’t think were possible. It’s not an easy thing to fall in love and plan a wedding only to realize the love you thought you had was taken for granted and ripped away from you on the day that should have been one of the happiest days of your life.

If it hadn’t been for my sister overhearing him talk about his new job as she walked by the room at the church where he was getting ready, a job he failed to tell me about, I would have married the piece of shit.

When I barged into the room in my wedding dress, I started screaming at him for being a self-centered, lying pig merely one hour before we were supposed to say ‘I do.’ He claimed he had received a call several weeks before that a radio station in New York wanted him. Tried to tell me they headhunted him and offered him a job he couldn’t refuse.

And he begged me to be reasonable. The self-centered bastard knew I was right in the middle of getting the store re-opened. There was no way I could leave. Not to mention, one would think something that big would be discussed before you slip a ring on someone’s finger and make them your wife.

I couldn’t marry him after that. I ran out of the church in a heap of white that was scratching my skin. I felt dirty, angry, and my heart was shattered. All I wanted to do was clean myself from wasting years of my life with a man who never loved me. I ran across the street, stripped out of my dress, and walked into the water. I had no idea I wouldn’t emerge once I went under, and proof of how much Sam really didn’t love me sat heavy on my chest when the hands that wrapped around my waist and pulled me in weren’t his.

A surge of thankfulness rushes through me as somber silence fills the room. These two aren’t showing me pity, as I knew they wouldn’t. They're collecting their thoughts the same way I would if someone dropped a bomb like I just did out of nowhere.

“We understand, but Dean isn’t a judgmental kind of guy. Hell, he’s been through some heavy shit himself. You need to put that shit to rest. I’m thinking the little man in your arms has brought more happiness in the twenty-four hours he’s been in this world than he’ll ever know.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” My comeback is meant for everything Roman just said. I swing my eyes to him; there’s more to that statement than he’s sharing. I’m sure it has to do with everything they all went through with the tragic loss they all endured. But this little bundle of joy has brought a big meaning to Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope Dean sees him as a blessing the same way I do.

“Dean should be here to take us home any minute. You going to be okay with it if he shows up before you leave?” Roman asks with a soft tone.

“Of course, I am.” I’m not about to tell them he’s the reason why I’m telling them now.

The real question is, will he be okay with me being here?

For the next couple of minutes, we chat about them going home. How excited they are to get to know their son. Joslyn then proceeds to tell me how her brother cried when he held the baby. I met Alex one other time besides greeting him in the hallway a bit ago, and he seems like a wonderful young man. I couldn’t be happier for my sweet friend. It’s been a crazy and happy year for her.

“He is so precious.” I bend down and kiss Nash’s forehead. When I straighten out, my heart slams against my ribcage when Roman clears his throat. I slowly turn my head in the direction of the door. It wouldn’t surprise me if everyone hears the slight hitch in my breath when I glance at the man standing there, my eyes colliding with piercing dark brown ones that I’ve never been able to put behind me.

As he stands in the doorway, I take him in, collecting his every feature, and for heaven’s sake, I didn’t think it was possible for him to be more beautiful than I remembered. But he is. He’s everything. I can feel the live wire tugging us together. It’s the most powerful thing I’ve felt in my life.

Dean Wagner’s dark blond, sun-streaked hair rests on his shoulders. Shoulders that seem wider than I remember, and his long arms rest at his sides and end with clenched fists. My eyes travel to the way his biceps strain against his concert T-shirt, and I shake a little in my seat.

He has a couple of days of scruff on his face, and as I continue to check him out, I notice his Adam’s apple bob and his commanding chest take a heavy heave.

He’s tall, too. Much taller than I thought he would be.

As much as I’ve struggled to put that day out of my mind, it all rushes back with a clearness that brings tears to my eyes. Years ago, on that dreaded day, for a fraction of a second, I felt a different kind of safety in his arms than I did whenever Sam held me in his. It’s hard to explain even to myself because I don’t know the man at all. Except during that brief moment in time when I felt this man would do everything humanly possible he could to take away my pain. I held on to that sentiment he gave me, and I’ve carried it with me ever since.

“I love that dress, Leila,” I hear Joslyn say. I also hear Leila say my name. I can’t draw my eyes away from her father, though. Not until she comes up beside me and holds her arms out, taking the baby from me.

“Thank you. He’s perfect, you guys,” she addresses Joslyn and Roman, who are sitting on the bed assessing the uncomfortable exchange between Dean and me.

“I agree. He looks like Roman, don’t you think?” Joslyn asks while I feel her continuing to study me.

I internally curse myself because it’s quite obvious he remembers who I am, and yet I sense he’s shocked. Can’t say I blame him.

“Hello, Dean. Hi again, Leila.” I need to get out of here before Leila starts talking about me hiring her. I haven’t told these two about that yet. On top of that, the tension in this room is making it hard to breathe.

“I’ll talk to you two later. Give me a call if you need anything and enjoy the chocolates.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, grab my bag, and brush past Dean without looking at him.

“I should have waited, damn it. No, I shouldn’t have rushed out of there. God, what am I thinking?” I’m not, that’s the problem. I’m an idiot.

I’m out of breath by the time I make it to the elevator. My shaky hands stab at the button, and my heart is thankful Dean didn’t follow me, but my mind wishes he would have so we could get this awkwardness out of the way.

“Come on. Open,” I mutter to the doors, my heart hammering hard. I pause my trembling finger over the button when I see him out of the corner of my eye, his footsteps slowing the closer he gets to me. Please don’t hate me. My heart can’t take it.

I fight like hell not to look at him, and yet when he places his hand over mine, the connection I feel singes straight through me and collides with the confliction scattering around my troubled heart.

“Have you been avoiding me?” Oh God, his voice is rough like sandpaper. Gravely and deep. And there’s the slightest smell of cigarette smoke lingering in the air.

I am unwelcoming the embarrassing flush of warmth hitting my face right now, and I’m finding it hard to keep a grip on thinking rational thoughts when he’s touching me. His skin is rough, and it conjures up the most delicious dirty illusions of what his hands would feel like touching me all over.

Seeing him again is stirring something inside of me I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s scaring me, and if I don’t get out of here, the little bit of strength I convinced myself I have is going to crumble right in front of him. I have no doubt he already sees me as a weak woman. One who wanted to take her own life.

Something inside of me gives, and when I gaze up into his eyes, they draw me in like gravity and turn my feelings upside down.

“I guess, well… Yes, I have for many reasons, I think. The first being, I wasn’t myself the night you helped me. He, um… Sam lied to me. He took a job in New York without discussing it with me. We were supposed to be getting married that day, and I couldn’t marry him after that. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding running into you. I was embarrassed about everything once I found out who you were. Now that we’ve officially met, I’d like to thank you for what you did for me. I’d also like to tell you I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.” I stop talking when the corners of his mouth lift and in the same instant we both start laughing. “I’m a blubbering idiot, aren’t I? Hi, my name is Tatum. We met several years ago on a beach in Washington. I’m going to stop talking now.”

He lifts my hand and lightly brushes his lips over my knuckles, sending a surge of tingles down my spine.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, and you’re welcome. I’ve thought about you several times. You have no idea how shocked I am to see you. If I had known what he did to you back then, I would have scooped you up and taken you with me, or I would have let you go so you could have choked him. Of course, that would have happened right after I beat the hell out of him again.” His gaze on me is curious and intense before he continues, “I’d really love to talk, but if I don’t get back in there, Leila is going to come looking for me.” He chucks his thumb over his shoulder, and I think I just swooned over the look in his eyes when he speaks of his daughter. I knew I had him pegged when my thoughts told me he’s everything.

“I understand. I’m sure we will see each other again. No more avoiding, I promise.” I pull my hand away, hit the button once again, and the doors automatically open.

Dean stands in front of the doors, our eyes locked until they close. I slump against the wall, my heart racing. At least I’m at the right place if it tramples out of control.

I’m not quite sure what just happened between him and me, but one thing is for sure. I walked into the hospital with a worried expression on my face. I’m walking out with a smile.

And seeing him again can’t get here fast enough.