This entire night is completely out of my comfort zone. I am not this girl, never have been. Not even in relationships. Nope, I am not bold and I sure as hell have never climbed up on a man and straddled him. I was being honest when I said I should feel uncomfortable and shy. That’s normally how I feel with men. Uncomfortable, insecure, shy, and out of my league. With Ben I feel confident and bold. He makes me want to step outside of my comfort zone.
Taking his hand, I lead him into my bedroom. I don’t bother with light and am grateful my blinds are slightly open, letting in some moonlight. Regardless of how bold I felt walking in here, I suddenly feel very self-conscious and aware of the fact that I am asking Bentley James Sullivan to have sex with me.
I know he can sense the shift in my confidence because just as I’m about to tell him I can’t do this, he steps toward me and pulls me into a hug. Not a sensual kiss, a hug.
“Hey, relax. There is no pressure here.”
So few words with so much meaning. I melt into his embrace and welcome his warmth. He smells really good. I should know his smell better than my own since I spent the morning snuggling, in a non-creepy fashion, the pillow he used last night. I pull back from him and look up at him as he does his thing with my hair. I’ve grown accustomed to his need to keep hair out of my face and offer him a smile as a thank you.
“Before you start thinking again, I want you to know we are not going to have sex.”
Say what? We aren’t? Why not? Because he doesn’t want that with me. Obviously.
“Nope, you don’t get to go there,” he says, cupping my face in his hands, one on either side of my cheek, and tilting my head up to look at him.
“I see your mind working a million miles a minute. We are not having sex because you aren’t ready. Truthfully, I don’t think I’m ready for that. I know for a fact the minute I have you it’s game over and I’ll be all in. Tonight, I just want to be with you,” he continues, moving his hand so he’s threading my hair with his fingers and slightly tugging me so that my neck is exposed.
I swallow the lump forming in my throat as a sense of relief comes to the surface. I am so not ready for sex with Ben. I’m already half in love with this man and if I sleep with him I’ll fall so hard I don’t know that I’ll ever recover. Instead of kissing me like I expect, he brings his mouth close to my ear.
“I want to hold you.” Each word he says sends shivers down my spine in anticipation as he continues, “And kiss you.” His soft kisses along my jaw line have me gripping his forearms in an effort to keep myself upright.
“I’m going to kiss you now, Piper, and then I’m going to take this dress off of you.” Oh dear Lord. My breaths are quick in succession and my eyes close instinctively as his lips touch mine. Loosening my grip on his forearms, my hands find their way up and around his neck. I give myself over to the kiss just as my zipper is lowered and my dress pools at our feet. He spins me and begins walking us toward my bed.
As my knees connect with the edge of the bed, I tug at the hem of his shirt. “Off.” He complies and with one hand pulls his shirt off. My breath catches again at the sight of him. I feel myself falling. Literally and figuratively. I open my eyes to find Ben over me. The intensity in his eyes causes me to gasp. Not in fear but in awe. Something changes in this moment; I finally see the man who has haunted my dreams all these years.
The man I have known was coming for me and would be the one. I search for something, anything to tell me what is happening. His arms have him braced so that he’s hovering just above me, our breaths mingling because we are so close, and his heart beating in time with mine. My legs instinctively fall open so he is hitting me in just the right spot.
Nothing separates us but a few layers of clothing and I want nothing more than to rip those pieces away. I want him inside me. I need him inside me.
“God, Piper,” Ben sighs. His sigh is hard to distinguish. It feels like acceptance but sounds slightly like frustration. The latter thought has me tensing slightly. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”
I shake my head in response. “So beautiful you not only take my breath away but render me speechless. There are no words in the human vocabulary to fully express the way you make me feel.”
“Show me,” I say in a voice I hardly recognize.
His response is only a growl and then his lips are on mine. This kiss is different than those before. Something has shifted between us. Not just Ben shifting between my legs and sending my body into a frenzy. The friction between his jeans and the silk of my panties has me humming from the inside out.
As Ben increases the intensity of the kiss, my hands come up to his sides and I feel him shiver slightly. I love that he reacts to me this way and I begin taking control of the kiss. An animalistic growl comes from the back of his throat. My heart is beating in rhythm with his and we are in sync, our movements like a dance. His hand finds its way between us. The moment his hand reaches the band of my panties he pulls away from the kiss to look in my eyes. He’s searching for permission. Permission I grant.
I push up on my elbows and reach behind to unfasten my bra before tossing it aside. Ben’s eyes bulge like a cartoon character and that causes me to giggle. He smiles a smile that, if I couldn’t feel the silk, would have me believing had just melted my panties.
I lay back down so my head is on the pillow and run my hands down my torso and watch as he visibly swallows. This reaction has me smiling like I have a secret. My hands rest on his waistband and begin to undo the button before his hand stops me.
“Don’t. I meant what I said, we aren’t ready.”
I suppose he’s right. I may agree but I don’t have to like it. Ben only allows me those quick thoughts before he has me lost in the moment. His lips feel like butterflies fluttering against my skin as he makes his way from my lips to my neck. His fingers grace my breasts with gentle caresses and slight tugs at my nipples. My breath is catching with each tug.
His lips replace his fingers on my breasts. Ben stiffens his tongue and teases my right nipple. With each stroke I feel the warmth soar through me. Arching my back, I beg for more without words. He gives me what I want when his fingers pull my panties to the side and he sinks a finger in me. Tugging my nipple with his lips, the dual sensations have me quickly approaching my release. Just as I am about to verbalize this, Ben removes his finger from me. The loss is immediate.
I’m gathering my wits when Ben pulls back so he’s resting on his knees. I open my eyes and instinctively raise my hands over my head. His sly grin sends my heart a flutter. I return the grin as he releases a growl from deep in his throat. Laying a series of kisses across my abdomen and to my hip, I know where he’s headed. This is unknown territory for me. I’ve been intimate and had sex. Sadly, I’m realizing until this moment none of the men in my life before Ben have ever made it about me. Equally, I’ve never been with a man who I’ve cared was selfish in bed.
The moment he pulls my panties to the side and his tongue makes contact with my most intimate skin, I feel my orgasm building. The heat is overwhelming and instinctively I attempt to close my legs. Ben nudges my knees apart with his shoulders and moans his approval of what is happening. The vibration of his moan increases the intensity of the buildup. With a mind of their own, my hands find their way to his head, slightly tugging at his hair as my own moans fill the room. His tongue is doing astounding things as he adds his fingers to the mix. The intensity of each lick stronger than the next and I feel like I am outside of my body looking down at us.
I’ve never been vocal during sex, but like everything else with Ben, I am now. Incoherent words flow out of my mouth as I struggle to maintain a steady stream of breaths. The moment I say his name the orgasm floods me. Like an erupting volcano I’m shaking and have replaced my grip from his hair to the comforter.
As I get my bearings, Ben removes himself from between my legs and kisses his way up to my face. This time I don’t wait for him to move my hair. Once the blanket of auburn is no longer blocking my vision I look up to the most handsome face on the planet Earth.
“I could do that every single day for the rest of my life and never tire of it.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, my friend,” I tease.
I note his reaction to the use of the word friend before he places a kiss to the tip of my nose. He nudges the covers from under me until I am under them, where he joins me. Spooning me once again from behind, he feathers my shoulder with gentle kisses.
“I don’t break promises, Princess.”
“Mmm,” I offer in response.
“It’s getting late. Let’s sleep.”
“But,” I begin as I untangle myself from his arms and turn toward him, placing my hands on his chest.
“But what?”
Slowly moving my hands across his very sculpted pecs, I struggle to find the words. “It’s just that, well, you can’t possibly be ready to sleep. You didn’t … I should…”
Ben takes both of my hands in one of his own, making me feel small and fragile.
“I don’t need to and you shouldn’t ever feel you have to.”
I just stare at him, no response possible.
“Now, let’s get some sleep,” he says as I snuggle into his embrace.
One lash at a time, I slowly begin peeling my eyes open. I feel slightly out of sorts and stretch my arms over my head while pointing my toes when suddenly I inhale two of the best scents ever created by man - freshly brewed coffee and bacon.
The relaxation I felt from my quick stretch is immediately gone as the realization that someone has brewed said coffee and is cooking said bacon. Ben. With that thought, the events of last night flash through my mind. Ignoring the tug in my tummy and the smile on my face at the memories, I groan.
“Breakfast is almost done, sleepy head.”
Apparently I groan loudly. Making a face toward the voice to reflect my unhappiness of having to get out of bed, I do just that. Thankfully, at some point during the night I managed to throw on Ben’s T-shirt as my makeshift pajamas. Not daring to look at myself in the mirror, I quickly brush my teeth before heading toward breakfast and the voice.
A man who cooks is sexy. A man cooking with a little extra scruff, messy bed head, bare feet, while only wearing a pair of jeans is delicious. I allow myself a few minutes to take in the sight while his back is to me.
“Are you just going to stand there staring at me or are you going to come say a proper good morning?”
“Why are you so talkative in the morning?” I grumble while pouring a cup of coffee.
Leaning against the counter, I attempt to avoid a third-degree burn on my tongue with short puffs of air at the liquid goodness and slowly take a sip as Ben chooses to ignore my question. I watch him carefully as he places the spatula on the counter and turns the burner off. I continue holding the cup so I’m blowing on the coffee but instead of taking another sip, I’m mesmerized by the sight of Ben’s back muscles as they twitch with each movement. Wow. Slowly he turns and begins walking toward me.
Check that, stalks toward me. Taking my cup from my hand, he sets it on the counter. Before I can even process what’s happening he scoops me up by my butt. My hands instinctively reach around his neck as he sets me on the counter. With him standing between my legs, I look at him wide-eyed with my mouth in the form of an O.
“For future reference, a proper good morning includes a kiss.”
I don’t even have an opportunity to reply as his lips claim mine. My body responds instantly. The want, need, and desperation for this man consume me. My hands thread through his hair as my legs wrap around his waist. When I’m almost convinced we’re about to consummate this friendship in my little kitchen he pulls back with a mischievous grin and plants a quick kiss on my cheek before pulling away.
“Hey!”
“Now, that was how you say good morning. Let’s eat.”
Rolling my eyes in an effort to calm my hormones, I hop from the counter and grab my coffee before taking a seat at the little table. Before me is quite the spread of bacon, pancakes, fruit, and juice.
“Where’d you get all this food? I’m pretty sure all I had in the fridge was some cream cheese and maybe an apple.”
Shrugging, he begins making a large mountain of food on his plate. “I woke up early and went to the store. We’re going to have to get some groceries if we’re going to spend time here.”
“I usually go shopping on Sundays so I can do all of my food prep for the week. I wasn’t exactly expecting weekend company.”
“Good, I’ll add a few things to your shopping list if that’s okay?”
I’m not sure when we went from not talking for weeks to making a grocery list together, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me happy. Full-heart happy. And scared out of my mind.
“Sure, the list is on the fridge,” I say while I continue to note the domestic scene playing out. “What are your plans today? Are you hanging out with the guys?”
“I figured I’d run home and change my clothes and then we could hang out.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say as I stand to refill my coffee.
“What do you mean it’s not a good idea? I think it’s an excellent idea,” he says, grabbing my wrist and tugging me onto his lap. I’m acknowledging the comfort of this lap when he turns me so I’m straddling him in the chair. “Explain yourself, please.”
I roll my eyes at his demand. To which he pinches my backside and I offer a screech.
“Hey there, no pinching.”
He smiles and places a sweet kiss on my lips.
“I just don’t think it makes sense for us to spend all of our time together. We both have real lives, Ben. We can’t hole up here in my apartment and pretend otherwise.”
“I consider this my real life, Piper. I thought we were on the same page here.”
I am so not handling this well. I can feel the tension radiating off Ben. I remove myself from his lap and refill my mug before turning back to him.
“We are. I just need some space of my own. This is a lot for me to digest.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. Don’t start over-thinking this.”
Ben stands and walks over to me. I hold the cup in both hands like a security blanket.
“I’m going to finish my breakfast and then we’re going to do the dishes. I’ll go work on my house while you have your alone time. But, don’t get used to me not being around. I plan on being here often.”
Once his declaration is complete Ben resumes his spot at the table and continues eating his breakfast. I continue to stand at the counter watching him. Regardless of what he says, I need this time without him here. This isn’t reality. At some point this man is going to realize I am not worth the risk. He’ll accept that a passing attraction is not worth hurting his sister.
I am fully aware that in this scenario, it is me who will end up hurt. Any normal well-adjusted woman would put a stop to this insanity. I am not that woman. I am willing to take the hit if it means that for a short period of time I can feel the level of importance I have for the past two days.
Dishes with Ben include him trying to coerce me back into bed and my insistence that we actually get some adulting done. I know if he gets me back in that bed I’ll spend half the day repaying him for last night. Instead I’m going to spend the day cleaning, grocery shopping, and trying to understand my feelings.
I’m a confused girl. My feelings are not the problem. Or, perhaps, they are. I’m not sure. I’ve loved this man my entire life. Except I’ve learned that the version of Ben that I’ve loved isn’t the man he is now. Instead I had romanticized him over the years. I always knew Ben was a kind person. The kind of guy who always opened doors for women or helped the younger kids with their bikes. He always smiled and greeted everyone like they mattered. The only person he ever had a problem with was Tony. Knowing Tony, that was probably less Ben’s doing than Tony’s.
Over the last few months I’ve seen that in many ways Ben is exactly the same as he was. He’s chivalrous and kind, yet he’s so much more. He says all the right things at the right time and then there are the things he doesn’t actually say but expresses. Each gesture giving me a glimmer of hope this could all work out okay.
I am trying to trust that everything he says is true and his feelings are real. Still, the doubt is there. Little voices in my head, voices that sound a lot like my mom, telling me I’m a fool. Men like Bentley Sullivan don’t fall for girls like me. Eventually, he’ll get bored and realize I’m just a small-town girl who wants a simple life. His future has always been filled with possibilities and opportunities; I shouldn’t expect him to stick around.
Logic tells me I shouldn’t doubt his sincerity and, above all, Ben has integrity. He would never lead me on to just leave. Yet, the normal everyday version of me can’t seem to accept that as a reality. I acknowledge these last two nights with Ben have been more real and natural than any of the nights I spent with Tony or any boyfriend before him. That says volumes.
I hate that I can’t go to the one person in my life I share everything with. Normally I’d go to Ashton and talk to her about how I’m feeling, accept her no-nonsense advice, and let her tell me how everything will be. Since I can’t do that, I’ll just pretend she’s here listening to me ramble about Ben and imagine what she would say in response. I’ll skip past the initial “Why are you screwing my brother” reaction and settle on what I know she’d tell me instead. She would remind me that Bentley Sullivan is one of the good guys. He’s by far the most honest person in either of our lives and if he tells me it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be.
There is no reason to doubt him. There is no reason to believe he will be anything less than perfect. Which in itself is quite annoying. I mean, can’t the guy pick his nose or something, anything. The only thing that stands to reason is that I can be my own worst enemy and my own insecurities stand in my way.