Mornings have easily become my favorite part of the day. The moments before Ben opens his eyes are quiet and peaceful. The little twitches his eyes make the seconds before the alarm sounds are adorable and endearing. I’ve never asked him what he dreams of but whatever it is, he’s happy.
“Are you staring at me again?”
“Nope.” I totally am. “You’re asleep anyway, how would you know if I was?”
Wrapping his hand around my waist, Ben pulls me to him and smiles while never opening his eyes. I smack at him because he knows I freak out about morning breath. He can tell me every single day that he doesn’t care and I’ll argue the fact. Sadly, I’m a sucker for his kisses so I let him kiss me before I squirm away.
I quickly get out of bed before he can get his hands on me again and begin pulling my clothes out of the closet. I turn with a skirt in my hands and am momentarily stunned. Propped up on one arm, shirtless, with the sheet low on his waist, he is breathtaking. His messy hair and beard send my hormones into a tailspin.
“I know you’re staring at me when you think I’m asleep because I do the same thing to you. I watch your lips curve into a smile while you purr and wonder what I am doing to you in your dreams to make you sound like that.”
There is no way I’m going to tell him the kind of dreams I have of him. It has been fifteen days, twelve hours, and fourteen minutes since Ben appeared at my door holding flowers, wine, and a pizza. He has slept in this bed with me every night since that night. And, he has refused to have sex with me. Sure, there have been sexy times, but the real deal? None. He insists on waiting until I’m ready. I’ve bartered and begged to no avail.
It has also been just as long since I fell completely one-hundred percent in love with Bentley Sullivan. That’s not true, I was more than halfway in love with him by the time I was fourteen. But now, the man he is today and the woman he encourages me to be, all in. Of course I won’t tell him that. Heck no.
I begin pulling on a pair of leggings to wear under my skirt and decide to tease Ben a little. “Oh, I’m not dreaming of you. Usually my morning dreams star Zac Efron. Sorry, pal.” I’m laughing as I turn toward the bathroom to finish getting dressed when I hear him cursing under his breath and damning poor Zac Efron.
This is how our mornings are. Easy, natural, and filled with laughter. Anyone looking in from the outside would think I’m crazy for not committing to this man. I love spending time with Ben and he makes me feel good. Here, at home, without any outside interference. The unknown of what will happen if and when we tell people, especially Ashton, is what is holding me back. I also have a lingering doubt that he really wants to be with me. That at some point he’s going to realize he can do so much better than his kid sister’s best friend.
While I’m brushing my teeth I hear him in the kitchen starting the coffee and muttering to himself. I’ve surely ruined any chances of us watching a movie with Zac Efron in the near future. Whoops.
It doesn’t take me long to get ready for a day with a room of five-year-olds, and once I’m ready I walk into the kitchen, where Ben is rapidly texting on his phone.
“Bathroom’s yours. Do you want some eggs for breakfast?” I ask him. Curious who he’s texting at this hour, I don’t inquire, only wonder.
“Sure. I’ll be quick. You look nice,” he says as he kisses me and walks down the hall.
Just as I finish whipping the eggs to put in the pan there’s a knock on my door. A quick glance at the clock worries me. It’s that feeling like when the phone rings at three in the morning. Fear. I turn off the burner and wipe my hands as I cautiously walk to answer the door. I know it’s irrational but I feel like if I take my time getting there, it won’t be bad news on the other side.
I open the door and my first instinct is relief. Which is then immediately followed by dread. I almost wish for the fear feelings again.
“Baby girl! I hoped I’d catch you before you left for work.”
“Mama, what are you doing here?” I ask as my mother walks past me like I’m not standing there stunned. I watch as she drops her bag next to the couch and assesses the apartment before turning to me, arms open for a hug.
“Sweetie, I’ve missed you. Come give me a hug.”
I reluctantly comply. When Tessa is gone for more than a week she acts as if it’s been years since we’ve seen each other. In this case it has been months, but it isn’t as if we haven’t talked and Skyped.
“So, Mama, what are you doing here? I thought you were doing well in Chicago.”
“Oh I am. I love it and Michael is wonderful. I just wanted to come see you. Can’t a mother want to see her daughter?”
I roll my eyes and walk back into the kitchen to finish making breakfast. Mama follows me and pours herself a cup of coffee. I hear the shower turn off and stiffen at the realization that she heard it too. Crap.
“Piper, is someone here? Oh no, did I interrupt you? Is it Tony? Did you two work things out?”
“First of all, rapid-fire questions are annoying. Second, no I did not get back together with Tony. Why do you keep asking me that? He cheated, Mother.”
“Yes, well, you don’t actually know that he cheated. You may have nipped that before anything happened. Tony isn’t a bad guy, Piper. You loved him and he has a good job. You could do worse. Besides, you aren’t getting any younger. You can’t really be choosy at this point, now can you?”
“Look, I have to leave for work soon. I am not going to get into this with you again but, for the record, I was never in love with Tony.”
“Of course you loved Tony. You two were together over a year. Besides…”
She doesn’t get to finish her sentence because just as she’s about to go into the lengthy list of all the reasons I should forgive Tony and beg for him to take me back, Ben walks in the room. Wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, he’s towel drying his hair. I think my ovaries just exploded.
“Baby, do you know where my clippers are?”
I look from my mother to Ben and back. When I don’t respond, Ben stops drying his hair to look at me and sees the horrified look on my face.
“Hello there, I’m Tessa Lawrence. Piper’s mother.” As she extends her hand to him as if she’s the freaking Queen of England, Ben only stares open-mouthed as he looks from my mother to me and back.
“Hello, Tessa. I guess you don’t recognize me,” Ben says as he takes my mother’s hand, and instead of kissing her knuckles or whatever she wanted, he pulls her into a hug. I find a smidge of humor in the look of horror on my mother’s face as my half-dressed boy … err, friend, hugs her.
“Mama, you remember Bentley Sullivan, don’t you?”
“Oh, I, uh. Well, hello, Bentley. This is a surprise. I didn’t realize you two were together.”
“We are.”
“We’re not.”
We respond simultaneously. I shoot a death glare at Ben as he laughs.
“As you can see, Tessa, we aren’t exactly on the same page with regard to our relationship.” Ben walks toward me and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m going to get out of here and let you catch up a bit before work.”
I nod in response as he excuses himself.
“I’ll be right back.”
I leave my mother in the kitchen as I follow Ben down the hall. He’s tying his shoes when I walk in my room.
“You don’t have to leave, Ben.”
“I know, but you should talk to your mom. I have a feeling she’s going to have a lot to say about the fact that I’m not Dominguez.”
Ben’s trying to sound nonchalant about this, but the way he says Dominguez indicates otherwise.
“You heard her.” He nods in response. “I’m sorry. You heard me too, right?” Another nod. “Are you mad? You know my mom, she’s very one track.” Standing and walking toward me, he pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me like we’re dancing.
“No, I’m not mad. I am actually glad she’s here. I feel like you need someone to talk to about this and help you work through your feelings. I don’t think I would have necessarily chosen someone that wants you to be with Dominguez for the job, but at least it’s someone. You have a little less than an hour before you have to leave, spend it with your mom. I’ll see you at work, okay?”
“Okay,” I reply, pulling him a little closer to me. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to have breakfast; it’s kind of my favorite part of the day.”
“Me too, but I think I like the nights best,” he says as he pulls me flush to him and I feel his heart beat. Placing a kiss on my lips, I long for him to deepen it, but instead he pulls back. “Go spend some time with your mom and tell her how amazing I am. Don’t forget, we can still run away next week.”
“We are not running away next week. It’s Thanksgiving and your mom deserves to have you and Ashton at her table this year.”
After a few kisses I return to the kitchen and start cooking the eggs I had whipped. Ben stops to say goodbye to my mom before he leaves. The moment the door closes my mom speaks.
“How long have you been seeing Bentley Sullivan, Piper?”
Wow, she’s going to just jump right into things.
“He goes by Ben now and we aren’t seeing each other; we’re friends.”
“Really? My friends sleep over and don’t walk around my house half naked.”
“Fine. A few weeks, I guess. I don’t know. It just happened.”
Silence fills my tiny kitchenette as I scoop the eggs onto two plates and put a few slices of fruit on each plate. I set a plate in front of my mom and refill both of our cups with coffee before taking my seat at the table. This is how it is with my mom. She’s waiting for me to continue. She knows my mind is spinning.
Like a levy breaking in a flood, I dump it all on her. I tell her about Tony and how I felt after I found the online dating profile. The first kiss with Ben, the developing friendship, the talk at the lake, and I told her about the house. As I talked I never looked at her. I stared off at the clock on the stove, never seeing the numbers. My story ends with me telling her that Ben wants to take me away next week to show me what our relationship could be if we weren’t spending all of our time in secret. When I finish I finally look at my mother. I expect her to be bored or annoyed, her usual reaction to things. Instead, one hand is to her chest over her heart and the other is covering her mouth as tears pour out of her eyes.
“Mama, why are you crying?” I ask, handing her a napkin.
“Oh honey, you’re in love. True blue love. He’s the one. It’s always been him, hasn’t it? The man in your dreams. I thought you were just creative and an excellent storyteller but you were actually seeing your future.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I was not seeing the future. I had some dreams, I’m not clairvoyant or anything.”
“Well, whatever it was, I think it’s lovely. And it’s so sad.”
“How is it lovely and sad? That doesn’t make sense, Mama.” I grab her plate in frustration. This is just like her. I pour my heart out and she confirms what I know. I’m in love with Ben and then throws in something negative.
“Sweetie, it’s sad because obviously you can’t see him anymore.”
“What? Why? You just said it was lovely!”
“It is. But, honey, this can’t work. Not just because he’s Ashton’s brother. Men like Bentley Sullivan don’t end up with women like us. No, it’s best if you just break it off now and go back to Tony. He’ll be a good provider and he has to have learned the error of his ways. He knows you’re the best he’ll ever get, Piper. Someone like Bentley? He’ll leave, Piper. He’s too big for this town; he left once before and he’ll leave again.”
“That’s not fair, Mama. Not fair to me and especially not fair to Ben.”
“Piper, this is real life. I’ve done you a disservice with those stories of princesses and white knights.” Her frustration with me is infuriating.
“Mama, your stories weren’t a disservice. All little girls want to believe in true love and happily ever after. I believe Ben cares about me and I also believe he’s honest. If he says he’s staying in Lexington, then that’s what I believe.”
My pulse is racing. I’m equal parts angry and hurt. I’m angry because she’s my mother and should be telling me I’m lucky to have someone like Ben in my life and I’m hurt because her words hit too close home. Deep down I worry that everything she’s saying is true.
“Look, baby. I get why you want to believe this could work but I’ll tell you this, Bentley Sullivan reminds me a lot of your daddy. He left and Ben will leave too. Listen to your Mama and end it now.
I don’t have time to continue this conversation, nor do I want to.
“I have to go to work. Will you be here when I get home later?”
“No, Mike should be picking me before you get home. I’ll let myself out. Have a good day, sweetie. I love you.”
I don’t respond and instead gather my things and walk out the door. Driving to the school in a daze, I replay my mom’s words in my head. Regardless of her opinions on the matter, I would never go back to Tony. That ship has sailed and I’ve made my peace with it. Likewise, I believe Ben when he tells me he’s home for good and wants to be with me. He’s shown me in more ways than one that he’s all in. That he wants more than friendship with me and I just need to say the word.
Regardless of the rational thinking, pieces of her opinion stick in the back of my mind. I believe in my heart of hearts that my mom believes what she is telling me is for my own good. That, somehow, she is protecting me from hurt.
Thankfully my students were all cooperative and happy this morning. Five-year-olds are unpredictable and there are times I swear they add ten years to my life.
I left my apartment shortly after my mother’s version of a pep talk and forgot my lunch. I have about thirty minutes to leave campus for lunch. While I hate being rushed, I hate being hungry more. The closest place to campus to grab something other than fast food is a bakery and deli. I call ahead and place my order so that when I arrive I can quickly pay and get back to the school before my thirty minutes are up.
As I park in front I glance to my right and think I see Ben’s truck. I should have asked him if he wanted anything. It’s silly that we’re both here. This is a prime example of why I don’t want to label us outside of friendship. My lapse in thinking of him for lunch would make me a bad girlfriend, but since there is no label, I’m just a crappy friend for the moment.
Once I’m in the door I am immediately greeted with the aroma of freshly baked bread and my stomach jumps to attention. Thankfully it’s loud in here and nobody else is privy to the serenade of hunger happening from within me. It only takes three steps before the room spins, the voices turn to a dull hum, and my world flips.
Ben.
And Laurel.
I quickly take a mental tally of our conversation last night and our morning. Nope, no mention of Laurel. We definitely didn’t talk about him meeting Laurel or the fact he’d be holding hands with her across the table.
As much as it pains me to admit it, my mother was right. This was never going to work. I’ve put him off too long. He wanted to take things beyond friendship months ago and I said no. I pushed him away and he’s finally had enough.
My chest is tight, my breath is shallow, and I hear a ringing in my ears. I swear on my favorite book if I faint in this deli with Bentley Sullivan sitting nearby holding another woman’s hand I’ll never be able to handle the smell of freshly baked bread again. It will forever remind me of this moment and how every part of my being is screaming to run.
And I do. I don’t pick up my lunch and I don’t confront him. Instead, I turn on my heel and walk out the door I just entered. Somehow I make it to my car and pull out of my parking space before the first tear falls. The first of many. There can’t possibly be enough tears in my body to convey the level of devastation I feel.
When will I ever just be enough? When will a man look at me and think, “That’s the girl for me. She is everything I need.”? I am beginning to wonder if that man exists. I knew over these last few weeks that I had fallen in love with Ben. I also felt deep down it was too soon and that telling him would make me vulnerable
I pull into the school parking lot and manage to pull myself together enough to finish the school day. The afternoon is a haze and the kids love me more than ever because they spent the afternoon doing an impromptu art project that didn’t require me to have it together. I convinced myself I wasn’t a bad teacher because we are going into a school break and its fun for the kids to have down time.
I’m gathering my things with the intent to get home before Ben stops by my classroom like he does every day. As I pull my purse on my shoulder I notice Jacob Thorne is still in his seat. I put my things down and walk over to him.
“Jacob, sweetie, what are you doing?”
I notice Jacob is fiddling with something in his lap, and as I lean over to look, he starts giggling.
“You can’t see yet. I have to do the plan.”
“The plan? Jacob, I need to get home soon. Is Mrs. Honeycutt picking you up today?”
Nodding, he finally blesses me with the sweetest smile that I return.
“Well, since I have to leave maybe I can take you up to the office to wait for her. How about that?”
“Nope. That’s not the plan. Hold on,” he says as he slides out of his seat. Taking a deep breath, he looks up at the ceiling.
“I’m membering so just a sec, mmkay?”
“Okay, but I really do need to go, sweetie.”
“Miss Lawrence,” Jacob begins.
It’s obvious he’s memorized something and suddenly running from this place and my own drama isn’t my priority. This sweet boy who has something planned is.
“I think you are the nicest lady ever. My mommy says you are boring. My mommy is silly ‘cause you are super fun and can color really good.”
Felicity thinks I’m boring. That almost seems like a compliment. Surely that wasn’t her intent.
“I want to be a fireman when I grows up so I can protect you from fires. So I made you this,” he tells me as he hands me a picture. Like with most of my students, it takes me a few seconds to process what I’m seeing. It’s a woman who I assume is me being handed a flower by a little boy.
“Thank you, Jacob.”
“Yep. Clem won’t help me drawl a flower so it’s not good but it’s for you. I think you are the prettiest lady and I am sad I am going to the snow and you won’t be there.”
“Aww, Jacob. This is the sweetest gift I’ve received. I think you are going to have a great time with your family next week and just think, when you get back you’ll have all kinds of stories to tell your friends.”
That comment seems to pacify him because he offers me a full smile. I open my arms for a hug and he runs into them. I hear a throat clear and look up to see Mrs. Honeycutt at the door.
“He’s been practicing that speech for a week. Thank you for letting him give it.”
“Jacob, is that true? Did you practice all of that just for me?”
He nods as he pulls away. I smile and brush the hair away from his face. This sweet boy has no idea how much this means to me today. How, in the wake of having my heart broken by the only man who carries the power to do so, his words and kindness have lessened the blow.
A second clearing of a throat catches my attention and I see Ben has joined Mrs. Honeycutt at the door. With his messenger bag slung over his shoulder and his button-up shirt untucked with the sleeves rolled up, a flicker of desire sparks and I almost forget the pain I felt at the deli. Almost.
“Hello, Mrs. Honeycutt. What do we have here?”
“Hello, Mr. Sullivan. Jacob was just giving Miss Lawrence a gift. He’s going to miss her over the upcoming break.” With a whisper she continues, “I think our Jacob is a bit smitten with Miss Lawrence.”
“I know the feeling,” is mumbled in response. If Mrs. Honeycutt heard it, she didn’t respond.
“Jacob, let’s go. I’m sure Mr. Sullivan and Miss Lawrence have places to be.”
“Thank you again for my gift, Jacob. Have a wonderful time on your trip and I’ll see you when we get back.”’
“Okay,” Jacob responds as he places one of his tiny hands on mine. “Don’t miss me, okay, Miss Lawrence?”
Laughing for the first time all afternoon, I agree. Jacob leaves with Mrs. Honeycutt and the tension in the room is thick as I move to my desk and gather my things. My hands are shaking and I just want to get out of here. I turn to head for the door and walk right into Ben.
“Whoa, where’s the fire?”
“I need to get home.”
“I know, I wanted to see if you felt like ordering in tonight instead of cooking. I never understand how a group of seven-year-olds can be so exhausting.”
“I can’t. I have a headache and just want to go home.”
“Okay, I’ll grab something and meet you at your place. About an hour?”
“I just want to go home and sleep,” I snap and start walking out the door.
I hear Ben walking quickly to catch me. When his hand grabs my elbow I stop with my back to him.
“Please just let me go home, Ben. I’m exhausted and my head hurts.”
“Something is wrong. Tell me what it is, Piper.”
Only shaking my head, I walk away, leaving Ben standing in the hallway.