CHAPTER 17
Bodie
I purposely wait until eight PM to call my parents. I’d come home after our appointment with Dr. Anchors, riding high on the thrill of an ultrasound we hadn’t expected. It only came about because I was bitching and moaning having to wait another four weeks, and Dr. Anchors had laughed at me.
“We’re actually going to do a vaginal ultrasound today,” he told us, and I had a zing of pure electrical excitement flow through me. “We really only use it in higher risk situations or to pinpoint conception date, but you’re pretty clear on the date it happened. Still, let’s check your baby’s heartbeat out.”
And then he did.
It was amazing. While he gently circled a wand inside of Rachel, I practically leaned all the way across her on the examination table to get my face as close as possible to the screen. Rachel sort of grunted and pushed at me, but then I grabbed her hand and squeezed so hard she let me be.
I couldn’t tell what the fuck I was seeing, but we heard the heartbeat. So fast and strong.
“It’s a girl,” I declared.
Rachel rolled her eyes, and Dr. Anchors told me we’d find that out hopefully at sixteen weeks. On a more sobering note, we told Dr. Anchors we wanted the amniocentesis, and that’s scheduled to take place at the same time.
Still, when I walked in my house, I was riding high on the first tangible proof that there is something growing inside of Rachel that belongs to me. There was no way I could keep this from my parents anymore, and while I am not looking forward to leaving Jameson Group and all my friends and teammates, I am so looking forward to my kid.
I walk into my kitchen and sit down at the small, round table that seats four. I got it at a garage sale. The legs are uneven, so it wobbles when I rest my arms on top. Tapping on the icon for FaceTime, I dial my mom’s cell and wait. My heart is thumping madly, both terrified and excited to share the news with my parents.
My mom’s beautiful face appears on the screen, and I can see she’s in the kitchen. I figured she’d just be finishing up the dishes from supper, which is why I waited until now to call.
She blows a breath of air up to push her bangs back and grins at me. “FaceTime? Now that’s a nice treat. You look good, sweet boy.”
I rub my face along the jawline, feeling the scrape of stubble on my face. Of course my mom would say that.
“You look better,” I tell her with a wink. “When are you going to leave Dad and find yourself a young hottie?”
My mom blushes, and I hear my dad in the background say, “I heard that.”
Then his face pushes into the range of the camera on her phone. While my mom still has a youthful face barely marred by wrinkles or time, my dad’s face is weathered from countless hours out in the sun working the farm. He started wearing a beard a few years ago, and it’s shot through liberally with a steel gray against his dark hair. But his eyes are a light hazel, sparkling with the inner youth of a man who is as strong as an ox and could probably still whoop my ass.
“Hi, Dad,” I say with a grin.
Mom nudges Dad to the side to take up more of the camera. “Guess what? Millie Perkins got elected Mayor of North Platte.”
I went to high school with Millie’s daughter, Samantha. I also know this is a lead in.
“And Samantha’s moved back home,” she says with a sly smile. “She looks fabulous.”
“Not interested, Mom,” I chide. She’s forever trying to set me up, as if a pretty girl would get me to come running home.
A pretty girl would not.
A baby would.
“So, I actually have something important to talk to you both about, and wanted to do it face to face, so a video chat was the next best thing.”
Both of their faces pinch tight with immediate concern, so I rush to reassure them. “It’s not bad.”
My dad’s face relaxes, but my mother’s does not. She leans in closer to the camera. “Lay it on us. We can handle anything as a family.”
“It’s not bad, Mom,” I drawl with an amused shake of my head. “I promise.”
Dad chuckles, but Mom doesn’t look convinced.
I take a deep breath. “Okay… there’s just no good way to lead into this, so I’m just going to say it, and then you can ask questions. I got a woman pregnant, and I’m going to be a dad.”
My dad’s eyes bug out of his head, but my mom’s turn soft and tender. She’s already imagining all the ways to spoil her newest grandchild.
“Oh, honey,” she murmurs. She tilts her head to the side, and her eyes fill with tears. “That’s wonderful. You’ll make a wonderful father. Won’t he, Geo?”
She turns to look at my dad, but he’s all about the business of how this happened. “Who is this girl? And are you going to get married?”
I give a slow shake of my head, trying to brace myself against the disappointment I know I’ll get from my mother. “Actually no. It was an accident. Not planned. And um… well, we’re not really together.”
“What do you mean ‘not really together’?” my dad asks with a cocked eyebrow.
“I mean we have no intentions of being a couple together in the future.” It’s the first and simplest thing that comes to mind.
“Which means you’re together now,” my dad concludes, and I cringe internally. He’s making this complicated.
“What we have is casual and has an expiration date to it,” I clip out.
“It sounds like there’s something cryptic within that statement I’m missing,” my dad presses.
I let out a gust of frustrated air and rub my hand over the top of my head. This is the part I’ve been dreading, because I know my kind, decent midwestern farming parents won’t understand. “Rachel… the baby’s mother… doesn’t want to raise it. I do. So, I’m going to be leaving Jameson and coming home after the baby is born. That’s what I mean by an expiration date.”
My mom’s face crumbles, not for any reason other than she’s assuming I’m heartbroken over this turn of events. My mother, the romantic, probably believes that love created this baby and our love isn’t going to survive the circumstances.
“Listen,” I say quickly to make them understand, and because I don’t want them disliking Rachel from the start. “Rachel is an amazing woman. She’s one of my teammates at Jameson, and we sort of got stupid one night and this happened. She could have easily chosen an abortion… could have kept this hidden from me. But she didn’t, and she agreed to carry the baby. Just because she’s not ready to be a mom yet doesn’t make her a bad woman. I totally respect her decision.”
I hate it, but I respect it.
I hate it because I think she’s making the wrong decision. Not for me, but for her. I think she’s going to have terrible regrets one day, and I’d spare her that pain if I could. But I can’t tell her what to do. She has to figure it out for herself.
I also hate it because I do care about her. I could see us really having something solid together as a couple. Over the past several weeks, I’ve come to know the real Rachel, and she’s a generously giving woman. She has so much to offer our kid. Fuck… I want what she has to potentially offer to me if I can ever figure out how to knock down the rest of her reticent barriers.
“Bodie,” my mom says, drawing me out of my thoughts. “Come home. We’d love it so much if you did that. I’ll help you. You can work the farm until you decide what you want to do.”
My throat tightens because this is it. This is where I commit to a whole new life for myself.
“I’d like that too,” I tell her.
And I would. I’d like it, but I wouldn’t love it. While there is nothing nearer to my heart than my family, farm life is never what I wanted. Nebraska is never what I wanted.
♦
There’s a knock on my door, rousing me from sleep. I rub at my eyes, pick up my phone from the coffee table where I’d laid it, and look at the time.
12:37 AM.
There’s another knock—three short raps that have me pushing up from the couch. I pad to the door and can see Rachel standing on the other side through the panes of glass. Her face is softly illuminated by the yellow glow of the porch light, and it strikes me how ethereal her beauty is at times. So different than the tough, badass woman I’m used to.
I pull the door open. “Hey. Come on in.”
She pushes by me, spins around, and accuses. “You didn’t come to the club tonight.”
I scratch at the back of my head and give her a hang-dog look. I hadn’t promised her I would when she texted me a few hours ago, only that I’d try to make it.
It’s the first time I’ve bailed on her invitation, but after talking to my parents tonight, I honestly just didn’t feel like it. My talk with them had brought me down low, a potent reminder that my life as I loved it was over.
My career that brought me utter joy was done.
Sure… I was getting something great in return, but I was losing so much of my identity. So what if it made me a little melancholy?
“Sorry,” I mutter. “Just was tired tonight.”
Rachel cocks a perfectly shaped eyebrow into a higher arch. “Bullshit. What’s wrong?”
With a sigh, I turn away and head back to my couch. I flop down on one end, throwing my arm over the back. She walks silently toward me, taking a seat at the opposite end.
“What’s wrong?” she repeats, this time in a softer, more concerned tone.
I stare at her a moment, wondering if I should even share with her. I mean… we are nothing more than just fuck buddies, right?
“Bodie,” she murmurs. “Talk to me.”
That right there strikes at me deep. The tone in her voice that tells me she’s concerned.
“I talked to my parents tonight,” I say, rubbing at the stubble on my chin.
Her eyes grow soft with empathy. “And they’re upset?”
My smile is weak. “On the contrary… they couldn’t be more thrilled. Me coming home with a baby in tow. My mother’s dreams are being totally fulfilled.”
Rachel has always had an expressive face when she chooses to show what she’s thinking, and I can read her loud and clear. She knows I don’t want to leave Jameson. She knows I’m cutting a part of myself away by doing so and returning home.
And she knows it’s her fault for not stepping up to the plate to be a mother.
“Don’t even look at me like that,” I say as I lean across and take her hand. “Your choices have nothing to do with me. And I spent a great deal of time telling my parents how much I admire you for giving of yourself so I can have this baby. I’m good, Rachel.”
To my surprise, Rachel scrambles across the couch and pushes herself onto my lap. She loops her arms around my neck and rests her head on my chest. “I wish I were braver. I wish I could grab onto this the way you have.”
I bring my hand to the back of her head, stroking a thumb over her hair and just holding her to me. “You’re one of the bravest people I know. Making the decision to follow your heart… to keep your career. That’s a brave decision, Rachel.”
She makes a sound deep in her throat that tells me she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. But I don’t try to press the point home, because frankly, I want Rachel really thinking about this.
Again, it goes back to regrets. I’m afraid she’s going to have massive ones, and one thing I’ve come to learn about this woman is that when she goes all into something, she puts her soul on the line. I’m afraid her soul is going to get crushed when she realizes one day what she’s lost.
Rising from the couch, I cradle Rachel in my arms and walk back to my bedroom. “No more talking,” I tell her. “We have better things to do.”
Rachel lifts her head slightly to press her lips to my throat. She doesn’t say anything, just nods in agreement, and that’s good enough for right now.