CHAPTER 24
Rachel
I sit in the stiff plastic chair directly across from Bodie’s bed. My ass went numb a long time ago, and I don’t need to look at the clock to know I’ve been here for almost six hours. Bodie didn’t even see me when the nurse came in around three AM to check his vitals. He woke up, but was groggy. I sat in the shadows in the corner of his room and just watched. By the time the nurse shot me a smile and walked out, he was out and snoring again.
I just watched him.
For hours.
Watched his chest rise, up and down. Slow and steady.
It was the most beautiful thing ever.
The room is starting to lighten with the approaching sunrise. I should take the opportunity while he’s still sleeping to go down and get some hot tea and maybe a bagel. I’m going to need the fuel today since I’ve had almost zero sleep the last four days.
And yet, I can’t seem to make myself leave. He could wake up, and I don’t want him to see an empty room. I want him to see me.
Here for him.
My phone vibrates where it sits on my thigh. It’s from Estelle. Everything going okay?
I quickly text back, He’s still sleeping. I’ll let you know when he’s awake.
Estelle and Geo are staying at a hotel rather than at Bodie’s house, which is out of the way. They left after Bodie had fallen asleep last night. Estelle had texted me as much. She was very much aware I had left without a word and not returned throughout the day. My message was clear to everyone, even though I wasn’t trying to send one. I was just trying to process feelings, and I think she knows that. I wonder if she explained that to Bodie to reassure him.
I didn’t come back to the hospital until almost midnight. Prior to that, I’d been sitting in my dark living room, alternately looking at the photo of Bodie and me and staring at the opposite wall that was barely lit by moonlight through the window.
My eyes carefully roam over Bodie as he sleeps. It might be the millionth time I’ve done it since I came back to the hospital. I can’t see it, but I know there is a gauze bandage on the back of his head covering some staples. Throughout the night, he’s been shifting around, clearly uncomfortable from the elbow injury. He would grimace in his sleep. Sometimes, he’d mutter obscenities. Once, I even heard him say my name.
I wanted to run up to his bed, shake him awake, and tell him I was here. My name on his lips filled me with warmth—as if a sunbeam had been shining down upon me. Even in his drug-induced sleep, Bodie was thinking about me.
It felt almost as good as when Bodie first woke up in the hospital bed. There’s just no word in the English language that can adequately describe the emotions I felt upon seeing his eyes open. It was the first time since this nightmare started that I felt true confidence he would be okay. Even though I had known for more than forty hours that Bodie was alive, safe, and would have a good recovery from his injuries, it never seemed real until he woke up.
Relief and joy was what I had expected to feel. But in those moments after his eyes fluttered open, all the pain and grief I had been feeling when Kynan first told me he was missing came flooding back. All I could do was stare down at him, wanting to hate him for making me love him, and wanting to hate Kynan for sending him into danger. Mostly I wanted to hate myself for falling so hard for him.
Of course, it was ludicrous to think those thoughts, and I know I was beyond irrational. All I could seem to focus on was that it was the very reason why it was better to be alone. It kept playing over and over that it was why I never bothered with relationships. They were too hard. The stakes were too high. The risk was too great. The pain was unbearable when it didn’t work out.
I’m so ashamed of myself, but I couldn’t stand to even look at him anymore. Bodie—true, honest, and wise-for-his-age Bodie—knew in that moment I was struggling. He tried to make light of his condition just to make me smile.
That smile broke me, and my shame burned brighter because I couldn’t stand to be around him. I used Estelle and Geo’s entrance into the room to make my escape, and it was an escape.
I was escaping the prison I’d let myself get trapped in, built on pain and fear. It was an escape back to a life I knew well, one without any responsibilities or ties that could hold me down.
God, I was so stupid to even feel that way, and I can only hope Bodie truly understands me.
A groan from the bed startles me, and my gaze sharpens on Bodie. His head rolls on the pillow, and his good arm subconsciously reaches across to scratch at the splint on the other. His face wrinkles with confusion as his fingers touch the wrapping, and then his eyes pop wide open.
Bodie lifts his head up and looks down at his arm. Understanding dawns through his grogginess, and his head starts to fall back as he sighs. But his eyes snag on me before his head hits the pillow, and he freezes. Bodie stares at me an inordinately long time, just blinking his eyes as if he cannot believe I’m sitting there.
“Rachel?” he says in a froggy voice.
“Morning,” I tell him softly.
Bodie’s head falls to the pillow and rolls to the right. He looks out the window at the dawn sky before turning back to me. “How long have you been here?”
“About six hours,” I say.
“Just sitting there watching me?”
“Pretty much.”
“That’s kind of creepy, you know?” His lips are tipped up with his trademark humor, and I know I’ve already been forgiven for succumbing to my fears.
And God, he looks so beautiful even broken and beaten in a hospital bed.
I stand up from the chair and arch my back to stretch. After I place my cell phone on the seat I had just vacated, I walk to the side of Bodie’s bed. I come to stand right by where his injured elbow is resting on a smaller pillow. I don’t say anything for a few reasons. First, because it’s hard for me to express my feelings, but mostly because I know Bodie will lead the conversation to where it needs to go in the most efficient way.
He’ll make the important statements.
Ask the questions that need asked.
Tell me his conclusions.
“You ran,” he says emphatically.
I nod. “I did.”
“And now you’ve come back,” he says in a voice as soft as velvet. “Is this to tell me goodbye?”
I shake my head, giving an apologetic smile. It’s both tragic and sad that he’s even having to ask me that question. “I came back because I was remiss yesterday in not telling you that I love you.”
Bodie’s body jumps almost imperceptibly, as if someone had given him a tiny pinch to his ass or something.
“You were remiss yesterday by not telling me that?” He looks at me with something in his eyes that I’ve never quite seen from him before. It’s a measure of excitement mixed with tenderness. I see hopefulness and yearning there as well.
I lift my gaze and look out the window. The sky is pink and orange, and it makes me feel hopeful.
“When Kynan told me what happened,” I say as I let my eyes wander back to his face. “Something happened to me that I’ve never felt in my entire life. It was a barrenness inside of me because I thought the worst… that you had died. The emptiness was so painful that my world turned gray. I know I’m not describing it right, Bodie, but it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt. It scared me so bad that hopelessness was all I could feel. I didn’t know… that such emotions were possible. I didn’t get it then, but I know now… what I was feeling was heartbreak and grief over losing you. And I was so mad, Bodie. At you and Kynan and Jerico and the fucking people who captured you. At myself, most of all. Because I should have never let myself get involved with you.”
“That explains why you didn’t look like you were happy to see me yesterday,” Bodie says dryly. I get by the smart-ass smirk on his face that he’s teasing me.
I give a tiny laugh. “I didn’t know whether to smack you or kiss you.”
“You panicked instead and ran.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. I reach over the rail and place my hand in the middle of his chest. I don’t want to take his hand for fear I’ll somehow hurt the attached elbow.
“Don’t,” he says softly, bringing the hand on his good arm over to cover mine. He squeezes softly, then lifts my hand to his mouth. He brushes his lips on my fingertips, then returns my hand to his chest where he has me flatten my palm right over his heart. “You’re here now telling me exactly what I want to hear. That’s all that matters.”
There’s no condemnation—which I deserve—only understanding, and I’m not sure I could love him more than I do right now.
It hits me hard.
I love Bodie.
I even told him I loved him, and really didn’t think twice. It wasn’t hard. My words didn’t falter. I spoke from the heart, and that’s what came out of my mouth.
It might have taken me a bit of a shake up and a moment of tremendous doubt in myself to get here, but goddamn it… I’m here now and I’m not leaving.
“I’d kill to know what you’re thinking right now,” Bodie says, breaking into my thoughts.
I give a hard shake of my head. “Nothing that you don’t already know. I’m a chicken shit, and I had a minor freak out over the strength of my feelings.”
“I’ve always known you’re the type of person who will get to your best destination when you’re damn good and ready. And Rachel… you panicked for a few hours last night. Not sure that’s really something to worry about.”
Leaning over the rail so I can get closer to his face, I look deep into his eyes. Beautiful, warm brown eyes of a man who just gets me in all ways. “It won’t happen again. I won’t run again unless it’s into your arms, Bodie. I promise.”
“Well, then,” he says after a moment’s pause. “I guess I love you, too.”
My smile is immediate, and it’s never been brighter. “Really?”
“I’d love you more if you’d move your hand down about twelve inches.” His eyes are sparkling with mischief, but he wouldn’t stop me if I did as he asked.
I consider for a moment, actually start to tug my hand out from under his, but then a nurse walks in. “Good morning, Mr. Wright,” she says brightly.
Bodie groans and looks at me like someone just stole his favorite toy or something.
The nurse walks around the opposite side of the bed and checks his IV line.
“Guess what, nurse?” Bodie says as his head rolls her way on the pillow.
“What’s that?” she asks with a smile on her face but still working with the IV.
“My girl here just told me she loved me for the first time,” he says, and my face flames hot. Bodie has never looked more boyish to me than he does now, grinning like a lunatic at the nurse.
“Oh, that’s so sweet.” The nurse looks charmed. I can tell she’s a woman who loves a good romantic story.
“Think it’s a good time for me to ask her to marry me?” he asks her.
Her head snaps to look at him with her jaw dropped wide, and I feel like someone just pumped a lightning bolt straight down my spine.
“Well, she is pregnant with my kid,” Bodie explains to the nurse without even sparing me a glance. “And she says she loves me, so I’m thinking there’s no reason not to.”
The nurse gets her bearings and steps in closer to the bed. She leans over and lays a gentle hand on Bodie’s shoulder. In a very pronounced whisper, as if she’s giving him some secretive advice, but clearly loud enough for me to hear, she says, “I think, Mr. Wright, that perhaps you should wait until you have a pretty ring and you can get down on one knee. That’s what every girl wants.”
“Huh,” Bodie says as he scratches his chin. His head rolls on the pillow, and he looks back to me. “That true?”
God, I love him.
I nod. “Kind of. I mean, if you’re going to do it right and all.”
“Noted,” he says with a wink and then crooks his finger. “I would like to ask for a kiss, though. I think I’m long overdue one.”
“Now that I can do,” I tell him with a smile. “I really love you, Bodie. You know that, right?”
“I know it. Know it as deeply as I know I love you right back.”
I lean over the rail, and Bodie lifts his head from the pillow. We meet in the middle, and his lips on mine are the perfect completion to how our story should end.
Well, not really…