CHAPTER 29
Asher
My heart bleeds for Hannah. I’m not making things easier, even though I’m trying. I’ll eventually right my wrongs, but I need to let Hannah get there on her own steam and resolve.
“What makes you think I’m heartbroken over you?” she asks defiantly.
“I guess I don’t,” I admit truthfully. “I guess I’m just hoping. But I’m certain you’re pissed, and you have every right to be.”
Hannah’s cheeks turn pink, as if I’d just discovered a dirty secret about her. She’d like me to believe she’s not mad, as if I’m not worth the effort. But I refuse to believe that.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says primly.
“It does. I want to make it right.”
“Why?” she retorts angrily, pushing off from the post and advancing toward me. She goes to her tiptoes and gets right in my face. I glance over her shoulder to the dining room window to see both her brothers’ faces there, spying on us. They pull quickly back, and my attention goes to their sister when she pokes me in the chest. “Why do you want to make it right? Why are you here?”
“Because—”
“You owe me nothing. I am not your problem or your concern.”
“You are—”
“I’m not,” she growls, cutting me off and speaking right over me. “You made that clear when you didn’t even have the balls to tell me we were over.”
“I didn’t know—”
Once again, she shuts my explanations down. “You were a lame-ass for canceling our date to the gala so you wouldn’t have to be around me.”
“Hannah,” I warn.
“All because you thought I was hiding something from you. That I was being disingenuous, which is the most insulting thing—”
If she wanted to poke the bear, she succeeded, because now my anger flares. “Goddamn it, Hannah,” I yell. “I was terrified you were going to fucking die.”
Her mouth snaps shut, and she looks unsure of herself. However, her glare is still there.
She stays quiet, though, and listens.
I bring my hands to her shoulders, hating the way she stiffens slightly from my touch. I gentle my voice. “I’ve lost someone I’ve loved before, and I survived it. But I know without a doubt I can’t survive losing you.”
Hannah’s chin jerks inward with disbelief. “Of course you can. You’re the strongest person I know.”
I disregard that, because I feel like a fucking pussy with my fears. Instead, I tell her, “I need you to know I didn’t back away from you because I was mad you didn’t tell me about the cancer. It was purely out of fear that I was setting myself up for a potential catastrophic pain I wouldn’t survive. And for the record, it’s not that I didn’t have the balls to break things off with you. It’s sort of more like I was stalling until I could figure shit out. It wasn’t as permanent in my mind if I just stopped communicating as it would be if I broke it off in no uncertain terms.”
Hannah pulls back from me, crossing her arms over her chest almost protectively. “No. You were done. Canceling our date to the gala was a very clear message.”
“There was no date to the gala.” Her eyes widen with incredulity, so I rush to explain. “I didn’t go. If I couldn’t have you by my side, I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t know how to overcome the fear to have you by my side. My sister was pissed. She still hasn’t really forgiven me for what I did to you or for missing the gala.”
Hannah gives me a censuring look. “I can’t believe you didn’t go. That was your mother’s pet project. I know how important it is to you. To Christina.”
“Very important,” I reiterate. “But I’m telling you, Hannah. I was fucked in the head about all this.”
She just watches me, her face a mask of confusion.
I’m struggling to make it clear to her, but I can’t give up. I step into her, back her into the porch post, and take her hands in mine. “Hannah… my wife died and there was nothing I could do about it. It was devastating, no doubt, and I really struggled over the lack of control I had in the situation. So here comes this woman who captivates me in a way I’ve never known, and she made me forget that pain. She made me want to feel again.”
“That woman would be me, right?” she asks softly, a small smile to her mouth. The first sign I’ve seen that I’m getting through.
“That would be you,” I assure her. “And when I realized you could potentially die on me—after I’d just realized I’d fallen in love with you—I just couldn’t rationally process the emotions I felt. I didn’t want to fall in love again. I didn’t want to set myself up for hurt again. And yet, you were the ultimate prize. You were in reach, and now there’s a huge canyon between us filled with fear and doubt. So I backed off. Put you at arm’s length while I tried to process things.”
Hannah’s head turns, and her gaze drifts out across the front yard. It’s as if she’s afraid to believe what I’m saying.
I bring a hand to her face, grip her jaw gently, and turn her back to me. “It’s not easy for me to admit a weakness, Hannah. But I’m here telling you that it was fear of losing someone I’d fallen in love with that made me do the stupid things I’ve done. It was incredibly idiotic of me to think that perhaps if I broke things off now, when I’d just fallen in love with you, it wouldn’t hurt as bad as if I were more deeply in love with you and you died on me.”
“I’m not going to die,” she asserts stubbornly.
“I don’t know that,” I return softly. “And it’s my burden to bear. To try to figure out how to fucking cope with it. It’s up to me to decide if I’m strong enough to give up control of my fate and future.”
Hannah’s head tilts. “And how do you get there?”
“By accepting that you’re my soul mate.” I dip my head, get closer to her. “By taking the risk and putting myself out there.”
“And you’re ready for that?”
I smile. “I didn’t know I was until Kyla told me about that college pamphlet. Like I said… I didn’t have the guts to call it over, because I was still trying to figure shit out. But knowing that you were making plans to move on, well… I knew without a doubt I was ready for it. I tried to hop a plane yesterday afternoon, but everything was fucking booked. This was the earliest I could get here.”
Hannah graces me with a small smile.
A true smile that doesn’t look forced or pained.
It gives me hope.
I step back from her. “I’m going to let you get back to your family dinner. I’m staying at the Eastover Inn in town. Maybe we could talk again over breakfast or something.”
I turn to the porch, waiting for her to stop me.
To give me some sign she’s heard what I’ve said—has realized that even dumbasses can be forgiven their weaknesses.
I make it to the third step down when the front door opens. It’s not Hannah who stops me; it’s her mother. “Wait a minute.”
Turning around, I find her standing there with her hand on Hope’s shoulder. Hope’s expression is uncertain.
“Hope needs to talk to you again,” she says from the doorway before giving a little nudge to her granddaughter.
Hannah watches carefully, not saying a word.
Hope inches out, darting a glance at her mom. It’s a silent question if it’s okay that she interferes in our discussion.
“What’s up, baby?” Hannah asks her.
She seems unsure, lowering her gaze shyly. Hannah raises her eyebrow at her mom, who explains, “We were all inside talking about um… you two… and Hope had some questions.”
“Ask away, kiddo,” I say as I come back onto the porch. Once again, I squat down to get on eye level with her.
Another glance at her mom, who reassures her, “It’s okay, honey.”
Hope turns to me, clasping her hands in front of her. “Do you love my mommy?”
“I do,” I tell her with no room in my tone for uncertainty by anyone. “More than anything I’ve ever loved before.”
I hear Hannah gasp, because while we just had a deep discussion of feelings, fears, and emotions, I didn’t come right out and tell her that.
Keeping my gaze on Hope, I patiently wait for any other questions.
I go completely hot under the collar when she asks bluntly, “Are you going to marry her?”
My gaze flicks up to Hannah, who has gone pale, before I focus back on Hope. “If your mom loves me the way I love her, then yes… without a doubt I would.”
Something sly flits across Hope’s face, and I realize I might be getting played here.
“If you get married,” she says deliberately, “can I have a brother or a sister?”
What the fuck? This kid is beyond stinking smart and totally manipulative, in the absolute best of ways.
“Um… yeah,” I say without really thinking too much about it.
“One of each would be great,” she replies with a sharp nod of her head. She then turns to Hannah, and I about lose my shit when she holds her thumb up. “If he makes you happy, Mommy, then I think he’s okay to keep around.”
Hannah chokes back a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand to hide her grin.
“Okay, Hope… let’s get back inside,” Carol says, shooting first me a smirk, then Hannah an amused grin.
After they’re gone and the door closes, Hannah and I are once again facing each other on the porch. There’s a slightly awkward silence before Hannah asks, “You’d really give Hope a brother and a sister?”
“You make it sound like I’m just going out to buy one at the local mall or something,” I chide. “You’d have to be an integral part of that decision.”
Hannah slaps lightly at my chest. “You know what I mean.”
I grab her hand, tug her into me. She tries to pull back, but I bring my other hand to her lower back to hold her against me. “If I wasn’t clear with your daughter, let me be now with you. I love you. More than anything I’ve ever loved before or will ever love again. If you say yes, I’d marry you today. I would relish practicing making babies with you. When you’re ready, I’d love to make as many as you want. I have a feeling Hope would be even happier with more than two. And although I didn’t say it to her just then, I’ll say it to you now so you have no fucking doubt about it—I’ll love Hope as my own, too. Now, I’ve done a fuck of a lot of talking and laid my entire soul bare to you. Yet, I have no clue what you’re thinking or if you even have a slight fondness for me. So I’m going to leave, head back to my motel, and if you—”
It’s as far as I get before Hannah is throwing her arms around my neck and pulling me down for a hard, bruising kiss. I’ve never felt such utter relief in my entire life.
I kiss her back, bringing a hand to her neck and bending her backward. My gaze cuts to the window to see her mom, both brothers, and her daughter watching us.
I hastily pull her upright, sadly taking my mouth from hers.
Hannah’s eyes are sparkling, incandescent with something I’ve never quite seen before.
Then she says the words that make me understand what I’m seeing. “I love you, Asher. And while you hurt me terribly, I can understand where your fear was coming from.”
“Thank fuck,” I mutter. I kiss her again, except this time gently and much more chastely since we’re being watched. I pull back again. “I love you so much, Hannah.”
Then I’m pulling her into an embrace once more. As I hold her, I make a vow I will never, ever let her go. I choose to let go of the worry and doubt over our future, knowing that each day I have with her in the future will be the best day I’ve ever had, and that’s not something I could ever turn my back on. It’s the greatest kind of risk.
“Come on inside and let’s get you a plate,” she says as she takes my hand and leads me to the door. “Then you have cleanup duty with my brothers while Mom and I relax since we did all the cooking.”
“Deal,” I say with a broad smile as we both see her family scramble away from the window.
Her family that is soon to be my family as well—I’m sure of it.