Chapter Twenty-One
SARAH KNEW HOW much could change in an hour, much less a day or a week. She shouldn’t be surprised that in the eight days since Thanksgiving, her life had seamlessly joined Bones’s. She lay in his bed Friday morning, his body spooning hers, his birthday gift in the nightstand drawer, and her babies sleeping just down the hall. As she had most days since seeing Josie, she tried to push away the guilt of being happy when Josie was so very unhappy. She’d seen Tracey, Ebony, and Camille Saturday, when she’d invited them over for lunch. They’d said Josie kept to herself at the shelter. Yesterday Sarah had called the shelter and asked Sunny to see if Josie would talk to her, but as she’d expected, Josie wasn’t budging. As much as she wanted to go to the shelter and try again in person, she’d made a promise, and it was more important that Josie and her son were safe than for Sarah to have a chance to understand why Josie wanted nothing to do with her.
“Morning, beautiful.” Bones pressed a kiss to her shoulder. Then he rubbed her belly, as he did every morning, and said, “Morning, peanut.”
“The peanut is dancing on my bladder, but I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“She’s feisty, huh?”
Bones was sure this baby was a girl, but Sarah thought it was a boy, because she was carrying it the same way she’d carried Bradley.
He kissed her belly and said, “She’s going to rule the world one day.”
“He’s going to be a football player and be nice to all the girls, not just the cheerleaders,” she said, scooching to the edge of the bed. She felt the heat of his gaze all the way to the bathroom.
When she returned to the bedroom, Bones was lying with his hands clasped behind his head, grinning like a Cheshire cat.
She crawled under the covers beside him and said, “Happy birthday. You look like you already peeked at your birthday present.”
“I thought last night was my birthday present.”
A shudder ran through her with the memory of making love, and as usual, a hint of embarrassment at how bold she’d been dusted her thoughts. But Bones was such a sensual, thoughtful lover, he made her feel sexy and bold, which made her want to explore with him. He encouraged without pushing, led without demanding. She’d splurged on a cute nightie, and after the kids were asleep and Bones was in the shower, she’d lit candles and turned on soft music. He’d come out of the bathroom wearing only a towel, and by the time he’d reached the bed, he was naked, hard, and hungry for her.
He ran his fingers through the ends of her hair and said, “I love how you get a little shy when I say things like that.”
“It’s hard not to be in the light of day. I talked so naughty last night.”
His eyes turned coal black. “I love when you talk naughty and when you play with my nipple piercing with your teeth.”
“Stop,” she said breathily. Just thinking about her mouth on his nipple and the way a little tug of the barbell drove him wild got her wet. “You have to get ready for work, and you’ll get me all flustered.”
He shifted her onto his lap and said, “I love you flustered.”
He brushed his lips over her neck, teasing her with light licks. “Bones,” she whispered. He sealed his mouth there, sucking as his hips rose and he began rubbing his enticingly hard shaft against her.
“Bones, you’ll be late, and Bradley might catch us.”
He groaned. “Late I’m okay with. Little eyes, not so much.”
She opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out his birthday gift. They’d decided not to celebrate his and Lila’s birthdays again so as not to confuse the kids. She was glad she’d waited to give Bones his present, though. It was nice to do it while they were alone. She pressed the gift to her chest and said, “I’m not very good at gifts.”
“You’re excellent at gifts.” He ran his hand up her thigh.
She rolled her eyes. “I mean real gifts.”
“That was as real as it gets, darlin’.”
“Okay, well, maybe so. I hope you like it.”
“I already love it.” He kissed her, and then he unwrapped the brown leather journal she’d bought him. His eyes flicked to hers as he opened it, and then he read the first page aloud. “The Adventures of Thomas aka Edison and Wayne aka Bones.” He looked at her again with a curious smile. “Oh, sweet darlin’, what have you done?”
Thanksgiving night, after they’d made love, as they’d lain tangled together, he’d told her about how guilty he’d felt after Thomas died. How Thomas had gotten pneumonia in the days after they’d snuck out, and he’d never forgiven himself. He said that he knew Thomas’s days had been numbered anyway, but he’d sounded so sad, she’d wanted to replace those thoughts with better ones, the same way he’d helped her with her memories. She’d planned on giving him the leather journal, and over the next few days, she’d added this story.
“I know it’s a little silly, and I’m not a very good writer, but I wanted you to have a happy ending with Thomas, and this was the only way I could do it.”
He embraced her and said, “God, I love you. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet you.”
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
She’d kept from crying for so many years—at first to remain strong for herself and later to be strong for her children—she had a feeling the tears had been multiplying inside of her forever, and she finally felt comfortable and safe enough to let them fall.
She shifted off his lap, and he put an arm around her, keeping her plastered to his side as he read the story. She’d written a happy tale about an adventure at sea, where Bones and Thomas sailed to far-off lands and explored like little boys do. They collected rocks, captured lizards (named them and then set them free), slept under the stars, and talked to all the strangers they passed on dry land, sharing their adventures. They called each other by their nicknames, and when they sailed back to Peaceful Harbor they left thousands of people whose lives they’d touched in their wake. They knew the legend of Edison and Bones would live on forever. When they got back to the harbor, they lit a bonfire on the beach, did a secret handshake, and said their goodbyes. Thomas floated up to a big boat in the sky, and every day he sprinkled a little miracle dust over Bones, so every miracle he performed had a little piece of Thomas in it.
When he finished reading, he pulled her onto his lap again, embracing her, with his head resting on her chest. He didn’t say a word, but just as things had been at their closest moments, he didn’t have to. His loving embrace, and the goodness that was Bones Whiskey, was louder than words could ever be.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, they bundled up against the cold November air and went to a local Christmas tree farm. Bradley zoomed around the trees, pretending to be king of the forest, while Lila toddled after him at a turtle’s pace. When she got too far behind, she plopped down on her bottom and either chased him on all fours, or gave up in favor of something she found in the grass to play with. Bones must have taken a hundred pictures and stolen even more kisses.
“Did you have Christmas trees in your house as a kid?” Bones asked as he cut down a tree.
“Yes, but they were usually cut down from the woods so my father didn’t have to pay for them.” She had made a point of decorating a tree for her children each holiday, but because her relationship with Lewis had deteriorated, it was never a happy time. And like everything with Bones, this was different. This was another celebration of family. Of her family.
Our family?
“Presents?” he asked.
“Mm-hm,” she said, mulling over how much they already felt like a real family. “A few. It was the one time of year my parents tried to pretend we weren’t miserable. I remember feeling like I held my breath all year, and that was the one day I could breathe.”
As the tree toppled to the ground, he said, “I’m glad they made the effort.”
“Me too. But I was always waiting for that shoe to drop.”
Bones put the saw down and wrapped his arms around her. “There will be no more shoes dropping.” He put his mouth beside her ear, and in the rich, seductive voice that made her insides turn to liquid heat, he said, “Unless we’re alone and those shoes are followed by every stitch of your clothing and leads to my mouth on your sweet, sexy body.”
He always gave her the best distractions.
By the time they cut down trees for each of their houses, since they were staying at both, the kids were pink cheeked and exhausted. They napped on the way to her house and remained asleep as Bones put up the Christmas tree. Scott was working, so they decided to wait until tomorrow to decorate their tree.
After the kids got up, they went to Bones’s house and set up the tree there. Bones had two boxes of ornaments. One box contained what looked like an assortment of ornaments he used every year, including one wrapped in tissue paper, which turned out to be an ornament Kennedy had made for him. It was a picture of Kennedy with her arm around Tinkerbell. She’d glued fabric trim on a cardboard frame and written To Uncle Boney, Love Kennedy on the back.
“We should make those with the kids for our trees,” Bones said as he strung colored lights around the tree.
He opened the second box, revealing about a dozen child-safe ornaments made from plastic and rubber, with oversized plastic hangers that were perfect for clumsy little fingers. Sarah and Bones hung the breakable ornaments up high, allowing the kids to hang theirs wherever they wanted, with help of course. The kids hung ornaments all along the bottom with just a few higher, leaving gaping holes in their decorations.
Sarah had never seen a more beautiful tree.
They turned off the overhead lights and plugged in the tree lights. Bradley and Lila clapped.
“We did that!” Bradley hollered, pride brimming in his eyes.
“We sure did, buddy,” Bones said as he scooped Lila into his arms. “Let’s get a picture.”
He knelt in front of the tree. With Lila sitting on his lap, Sarah kneeling beside him, and Bradley standing in front of them, Bones held out the camera and said, “Say ‘fuzzy pickle.’”
Bradley looked away as Bones took the picture, so he took another. Lila sneezed, messing up that shot. After several tries, they ended up laughing and making funny faces as they took pictures. Even Lila wrinkled her nose, but mostly she just giggled. It was a perfect depiction of their day, and one Sarah would never forget.
After dinner, they gave the kids baths, and Bones made a fire in the fireplace as Sarah made popcorn. They pulled out the sofa bed in the living room and cuddled under blankets to watch Cars. The kids were so worn out, they fell asleep after only a few minutes. Lying with her babies asleep between them, the lights of the tree glittering around them and the warmth of the fire casting dancing shadows across the floor, Sarah thought she should be the happiest woman on earth. But her mind traveled back to Josie, filling her with the sense of being suspended between two worlds, wanting to be part of both of them and knowing she might never be part of one.
“Hey,” Bones whispered. “Hawk called when you were making popcorn. I know you’re worried about doing it, but before I tell him no, I thought I should ask again. Are you sure you don’t want to do the spread in the magazine?”
“I really want to, for the kids’ sake, but I can’t. What if my background comes out? The dancing? Lewis?” She saw disappointment and understanding in his eyes, both of which hurt, because she knew he wasn’t disappointed in her. He was disappointed for her. “And it might give Josie the wrong impression. She already thinks I have a perfect life.”
“You could take care of Lewis by getting those papers signed, and you know, maybe it’ll prove to be inspirational for Josie, once she knows you and all you’ve been through. You did what you had to do to survive, and it allowed you to be where you are right now. Where we are right now.”
“I know, but everything I went through is embarrassing.”
“I understand.” He looked down at the kids, who were fast asleep, and said, “If you’re really worried someone might recognize you, wouldn’t you rather the kids heard it from you than a stranger? You might broach the subject with them when they’re old enough. They’d be proud of how strong you were.”
“I didn’t think about that. I’m kind of going on the hope that it’ll never come up.”
“And maybe it won’t,” he said supportively. “But do you really want to live a veiled life with your kids? I’m not saying tell them you stripped, but when they’re older, they’ll go through hard times. All kids do. It might be better that they know you did, too, and how you handled it, what you learned from it. They’ll never be in the position of being alone like you were. Even if something happens to me, the friends you’ve made are friends for life. I hope you know that. And there are lessons the kids can learn from what you’ve been through. Lessons about how to love, being resilient, and believing in yourself.”
Everything he said resonated as true, but agreeing and actually taking those steps were very far apart. “It’s so hard to know what’s right.”
“Have you talked to a therapist? I know a few good ones who might be able to help you think things through.”
“Maybe at some point I’ll do that.”
“Someone who’s not romantically involved with you might see things differently than I do, and that might help. Maybe you can talk about Josie, too. I know you need to mend things with her to be happy. I see the distant look in your eyes when things are really good. I might be reading you wrong, but that’s happened more often since you saw her. We won’t give up, but we have to accept that it might take months, or longer, before Josie is willing to talk. As hard as it is, maybe we need to find a way to accept that whatever comes of it will have to be on her terms, when she’s ready.”
“I know I have to. I’m trying, and it’s a little easier than it was a week ago, but it still feels like a black hole inside me that nothing else will ever completely fill.”
“I know, darlin’. I wish I could fix it.”
“It’s not fair to you or the kids that thoughts of Lewis or Josie pry me away the way they do.”
“We can handle it,” Bones said. “There’s nothing we can’t get through together.”
She believed that with her whole heart. But how could he know that when she was the one keeping herself tangled up in this web of fear and he was the one offering her an out, at least with Lewis.
Lewis. The rat bastard who could come back at any time and demand to be involved in the kids’ lives. The drug-addicted asshole who had done horrible things to her. Why was he still controlling her?
She glanced at her babies and knew what she had to do as clearly as she’d known the right thing had been to walk out of her parents’ house and never go back. “If I agree to try to get Lewis to sign those papers, how would we do that?”
“I’ll go see him, talk to him, show him the right thing to do.”
The fierceness in his voice told her he’d do whatever it took, but she knew Lewis. Or at least she knew the man he’d been when she’d finally left. He was unstable and ornery.
“He won’t talk to you,” she said shakily. “I’m sure of it.”
“I won’t leave until he does.”
“No, Bones. That would only make it worse. He can’t sign papers under duress; they won’t hold up in court. Even I know that.” She’d googled terminating parental rights, and she knew the papers needed to be notarized and that if it wasn’t voluntary the courts might not even approve it. Even if it was voluntary, there was a chance the courts would deny it. But she had a feeling with the rape and drugs, they had a solid enough case to protect her children. “It has to be me.”
“No way. You’re not going anywhere near him.” His jaw clenched so tight, she thought he might hurt himself.
“He’ll never do it for you, and he might not do it for me, but it’s the best chance I have.”
“No, Sarah,” he said in a vehement whisper.
“Bones, you were right,” she said just as firmly. “He can come back at any time, and I’m sick of being stuck and worrying about worse-case scenarios. I’ve already lived through them. I don’t want to be shackled by them forever. It’s bad enough that I have to accept the possibility that I might have already lost my sister. I’m not losing my kids to him.” As she said the words, they became even more important. She needed to do this, as much for herself as for the children.
She needed to stand up to Lewis.
“I’m doing it, Bones. For once in my life, I refuse to run away. So let’s do whatever’s necessary to get the papers ready, and then we’ll go together. You can even bring your brothers if you want to.”
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t need to bring anyone else to keep you safe. If he goes near you, he’s a dead man.”