20
|NICOLE |
“You’ve got this! You’re doing awesome,” I call up to Hannah as she makes it up her tallest climb yet.
Lordy, I’ve missed hanging out with her every day.
Though Logan wasn’t at all happy about it, I moved back into my apartment about a week and a half ago after we got word that Kenny was admitted to an institution.
Without that looming factor—and no actual insects in my apartment—there really wasn’t a plausible reason we could give Hannah for me continuing to live there.
Logan had wanted me to stay, I know. But, I didn’t want to keep lying to Hannah and his parents. And I didn’t want to keep pretending my time there was more than what it was.
Though it had felt more right than anything in my life to this point, we’d essentially been playing house that entire time…with Santa Clause as our cover, a history we still haven’t truly unburied, a tragedy as the impetus of it all, and deepening feelings we still couldn’t voice yet.
Our living together with that many psychological red flags just wasn’t healthy.
My putting a stop to it was hard. I didn’t do it because I’d given up on the dream. But rather, because I’m willing to wait until it’s all real for us, and no longer pretend.
And I didn’t move out expecting Logan to stop me; I knew he wouldn’t. What I still don’t understand though is the why of it all. But I’m willing to wait as long as it takes until he’s ready to explain it to me.
A lifetime, even.
“Yes!” cries out Hannah from the top of the wall.
I smile up at her. “Way to go, Hannah!”
Waving excitedly, she shoots me an elated grin and starts rappelling down like a pro. I watch and wait for her, anticipating the moment she touches down. It’s easily the best part of my day on most days.
True to form, the second her feet hit the floor, she does a triumphant fist punch high into the air like a rockstar with a mic, before doing something akin to a touchdown end zone dance that ends with her hi-fiving anyone who wants to hi-five her.
I could watch that every day.
“Again!” she says, running over after she finishes her celebration dance. Her face is red from exertion, but she looks pumped, on top of the world.
“You sure you’re not too tired?” I ask. I don’t doubt she knows her limits, but she still needs an adult’s voice of reason to remind her to be mindful of her body and her limits.
“I’m good,” she says with a confidence she simply never had before. It’s just amazing to see it blossom like this.
She turns to face the wall and I step back to watch as she finds her handholds and hoists her body up higher and higher, all of her movements bold and precise.
“Slow down a bit,” I call up when I see a telltale wobble in her limbs. “Take a breather if you need to.”
The back of my neck prickles and I glance over my shoulder. Logan’s watching us from his office. And he doesn’t look happy. But, he stays where he is.
“Nicole!”
I shoot my gaze back over to Hannah and see she’s lost a handhold.
“Don’t panic. Find your grip,” I call out, trying to talk her through her fears, while trying not to show any of mine.
Her body’s too tired. I should have told her not to go up again.
“I can’t reach!” Hannah cries out, panic filling her voice.
For an adult, it wouldn’t have been a problem, but being that she’s a child—and a petite one at that—the nearest handholds were spaced farther away from her.
She was officially starting to panic, I could see it.
“Deep breaths. Look at the wall and remember you can do this.” I can see her shaking, struggling to hold as her hand finds a grip.
Two of Logan’s workers immediately begin rappelling to get to her. But they’re way at the top.
C’mon Hannah. You can do this.
She makes a desperate grab for a nearby foothold. But, it’s not enough. Her grip isn’t strong enough to make that work.
With a shriek, she falls.
It’s a nearly thirty-foot drop. The fact that she’s on a part of the wall with no jagged formations jutting out for her to slam into is a small comfort. But still, with spine injuries being known to happen from those heights for grown men twice her size, seeing her tiny frame go down is nothing short of terrifying.
The harness catches her cleanly, and aside from a sharp jerk of her entire body that gives me a mini heart attack, she looks uninjured. At least physically.
With tears streaking down her face, and terrified hiccups racking her tiny frame, Hannah runs right past me to Logan, who catches her in his arms.
He’s furious.
I can see it in the hard line of his lips, the stone set of his features.
“You okay?” he asks her, but she doesn’t answer.
He glares at me, positively enraged.
Gently rocking her back and forth, he simply holds her until she stops crying.
I don’t leave their side, even though I can see Logan wishes I would.
“You did a great job up there, Hannah,” I say. “You fought through your fear, we all saw it. You pushed past it and went for that handhold. You didn’t let your fear stop you.”
“But I still fell,” she mumbles dejectedly.
“Everyone falls. The important thing is that you didn’t let your fear get the best of you. And that you don’t let your fear stop you from trying again.”
Logan snaps. “Are you out of your damn mind?”
“We’ll wait until her muscles have had time to rest a bit, but when she’s up for it, she needs to try again. Even if it’s just part way up. She needs to know she can do this.”
“Stop telling me what my kid needs to do,” he growls, sounding beyond pissed. “She needs to be safe. Something that you failed to ensure when you let her go up that last climb even though her body was obviously fatigued.”
“Logan.”
“She’s done.” Without another word, he unhooks her harness. Judging by the look in his eyes, I can tell he isn’t just referring to her being done with climbing today.
Hannah holds onto her harness. “I want to go again.”
“If she wants to go again, you need to trust her.”
“Just stop it!” he all but yells at me. “This is my daughter’s safety you’re putting at risk just to prove that your methods aren’t dangerous, and reckless.”