22
| LOGAN |
Between that speech Nicole just delivered and hearing my baby girl stand up for herself like that, my brain is on overload.
The way Hannah marched in here and spoke her mind, took charge of her life. Hell, that was something.
Admittedly, a part of me hates it a little bit.
Okay, a lot.
But that doesn’t diminish how amazingly proud I am of her, of how much stronger and more confident she’s become since Nicole started working with her.
And that’s just everything.
But having Hannah climb blindfolded? That’s just insane.
It was bad enough when Nicole had her climb with one arm tied behind her back the other week. Sure, it was with a Velcro release so she could use her second arm if she wanted, but the very idea of it had made me nervous as hell.
Nicole’s explanation had been sound, of course, having Hannah experience this would cause her psyche to rely on different avenues to accomplish tasks and practice re-routing her decision making and other reactions to help better equip her to cope with things.
That time, I’d let her do it, even with my reservations.
But this…I just don’t know that I can be on board with it.
“You could go up with her,” suggests Nicole softly. “You could shadow her.”
The thought had crossed my mind. “But that would be like a safety net, right? Your therapy wouldn’t have its full effect?”
“Yes. You going up there would more be for you than for her.”
I love that she never pussy foots around my feelings.
Turning to Hannah, I gaze into her determined little face. “If you do this, you know there’s never any shame in stopping and coming back down, right? Facing your fear doesn’t have to happen all at once.”
I’m not sure if I’m still talking to her anymore or myself. And Nicole. “Sometimes, it takes a lot of steps, a lot of retries after your fear gets the best of you. And sometimes, you even need to fall in a big way first. All that can be scary, I know. So, if you need to come back down, we will all be here for you.”
I exhale a long, heavy breath. “And we’ll all be here the next time you try. And the next.”
Hannah’s watery smile makes that unbelievably difficult declaration all worth it.
“I promise, Dad. I’ll be smart. I’ll come down and try again tomorrow if I need to.”
I shake my head. “That’s not smarts, that’s strength. And baby girl, you are so strong. I believe in you with all my heart. So go on up, squirt. I’ll be down here scared shitless, but supporting you the whole time.”
She beams and throws her arms around me.
Before I know it, she’s facing her mountain and stretching out again, with all of my free staff cheering her on. I make a mental note to give the whole lot of them raises.
Derick slips the blindfold over her eyes.
And then she’s up on the wall.
I don’t even realize I’m gripping Nicole’s hand until I register her nails digging into skin.
Every new handhold she grabs shaves another few days off my life, and every time she pauses to choose her next move and then makes it, I feel my whole fucking heart overfill just a little bit more with unending pride.
I don’t think I breathe until she makes it all the way back down without a single misstep.
“I did it! I did it!” she squeals, ripping off the blindfold and pumping her fist in the air before running to hug me. And then Nicole.
Derick comes over to give her a big hi-five. “That was one righteous climb, kiddo. I’m going to add this to your video highlight reel. Wanna come see it? We’ve been videotaping you all these weeks. I’ll cue it up to the big TV monitor. And I’ll make you a copy so you can show all your friends how badass you are climbing blindfolded.”
Hannah squeals and runs over to go watch the footage.
Nicole finally let’s go of my hand and drops her hands to her knees, her breaths coming in slow and deep, the tension in her frame easing a fraction with each exhale.
I stare down at her face—at the mix of fear and joy I’m sure mirrors my own.
“You didn’t answer my question earlier,” I say, breaking the silence. “Do you see Hannah as just one of your clients?”
“No. That’s not how I see her.”
“Earlier, you said you love her. Did you mean that?”
She blinks up at me. “Yes. Yes, I did.”
Yeah, I believe it. And that’s a good thing. So…what the hell was my issue with it?
Clearly, she’s wondering that too. “Does that…upset you?”
“Yes.” I sigh. “No.”
She remains silent, waiting for me to unjumble the mess of thoughts in my head.
I finally ask her, “Do you know that I’ve never once heard you say you loved anyone or anything before? Not that one time I overheard you talk to your folks. And not even when you talk about those sushi rolls you practically moan over when you eat them.”
She looks startled. “Well, the reason I don’t say it with my parents is because they don’t ever say it to me. Truth be told, I can’t actually remember them ever saying those words to me.”
Seriously? I yank her into my arms. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know.”
She shrugs it off. “I’m not going to say it’s okay or not. They are who they are. They do love me, I’m sure. Just in their own, silent way. But besides them, you’re right, I’ve never said it about anyone else because I honestly don’t love anyone else. Terrible as that sounds. I don’t really have any super close friends who I could honestly say I love.”
She blushes then. “As for those sushi rolls, of course I love them. Apparently, very vocally. I didn’t realize I sounded like that when I ate them. I’ll make a point not to be quite as…err, graphic about it.”
“Don’t. It’s hot as hell.” I study her. “What else do you love?”
“Um… Dessert? I love dobash cakes almost as much as sushi.”
Not exactly the answer I’m looking for. “Do you love it when I suck on your clit? Tongue fuck that wet, perfect little slit of yours?”
Thank god we’re alone. Though honestly, the way I’m feeling right now, I could care less who’s listening.
Her breathing gets thinner. “Yes.”
“Say it.”
“I...” She’s fire engine red now, but I don’t let her off the hook. “I love it when you make me come,” she says instead. “All the ways you make me come.”
Dammit, that big brain of hers is sexy. I narrow my eyes on her, wanting more. “Do you love making me come?”
This time, her breathing stops altogether for a few beats. “Yes,” she whispers. Then she adds without prompting, “I love making you come.”
Now for the most important one of all. “Do you love me?”
Her eyes widen. “I…”
Her hesitation is gutting me. And it’s possible I’m feeling my fucking heart crack right down the middle.
“I’m scared to,” she answers finally. “It’s different with Hannah. It’s not scary for me to love her.”
“But it’s scary to love me?”
“It’s terrifying.”
What the…? “Why?”
“Really? Are you seriously asking me that? You who won’t engage in anything more than a temporary fling with a woman?”
Well, hell. “Sweetheart, you’re more than a fling. And you damn well know it.”
“You’ve never said it out loud.” Her voice becomes quietly vulnerable. “Why is that? Is it guilt? Or fear?” she asks softly. “Or is it both?”
“It’s not what you’re thinking.” It truly isn’t.
She tilts her head. “What do you think I’m thinking?”
“You’re thinking that I’m afraid to get into a relationship with a woman because Janine died and that I’m going to feel guilty about loving another woman.”
“Are you? Do you?”
“No. I told you, it’s…different.”
“So, explain it to me. Please.”
“It’s been just me and Hannah from the second she was born. Us against the world.” I feel my throat clogging up, but I push through. “The day Janine died was both the saddest day of my life because I lost my wife, and also the happiest day of my life because my daughter was born. Do you have any idea how something like that can screw with a person’s head?”
Of course, she does, she’s the psych specialist. Still, I try and explain how it was for me. “It came in waves, the bouts of pain followed by happiness, anger followed by guilt. While it kills me to even think it now, I remember wondering for the briefest second of my life that if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with Hannah, if Janine would still be with me.”
The immense, unforgiveable shame over that makes my eyes slam shut. “For that one second, I allowed my grief to overshadow my love for my own child.”
I open my eyes to gaze down at Nicole’s tear-filled ones. “And I’ve spent my entire life since making up for it. I vowed to myself that day that I would make damn sure that Hannah knows without a doubt in the world that my love for her is absolute, and second to no one and nothing.”
I cup her sweet, beautiful face in my hands. “Then you came along.”