“All right, Thorn—it’s time we talked.”
Those were the words Thorn had been dreading but he couldn’t say he was surprised to hear them. Neh’sa had seen things tonight—things which demanded an explanation.
The question was, exactly how much should he tell her?
I can’t tell her about my mission, he decided firmly. That secret is not mine to tell. But there are other things she must know.
Things he had kept buried and hidden even from himself for years. He felt them, floating to the surface of his mind like the corpses of murder victims that refused to stay dead.
“In fact, I think it’s past time you offered me some answers,” Neh’sa said sternly, interrupting his morbid thoughts as she sponged blood off the long, ragged claw marks on his cheek and chest and began to heal him with her power.
She had put him straight into the bath as soon as they got home, which surprised Thorn—he would have thought she’d be afraid to touch him after what she had seen. But his Mistress was courageous as always.
It’s one reason you love her—her unfailing courage, whispered a little voice in his head. Thorn pushed it away. He couldn’t love Neh’sa, no matter how brilliant or brave or beautiful she was. His mission didn’t allow for love—only for duty.
So then why did his heart ache when he looked at her? Why had the possessive fire burst forth and almost consumed him and everything around him when he saw her threatened?
“You told me you were part Kindred and part Enfuego.” Neh’sa’s voice was sharp. “Did you lie?”
“No,” Thorn said, shifting in the bathwater. Gods, he ached everywhere and the brand on his back burned like fire. Which was no more than he deserved.
“Thorn—”
“But I didn’t tell you the whole truth either,” he continued. “Enfuego is what we call ourselves. But what the rest of the galaxy calls us is…” He looked up at her. “Neh’sa, I’m half Pyro.”
“Pyro!” She half recoiled from him, her eyes going wide in shock. “But those…those are the people who live in the hearts of stars. How can you even be here?”
“That’s a myth, actually,” Thorn said mildly. “We can fly into the heart of a star and survive—or so it’s said. I’ve never tried it myself—though I’ve been tempted a few times,” he added darkly.
“But how is it even possible for you to be alive? I mean, how could a Pyro mate with another species of humanoid like the Kindred?” Neh’sa demanded.
“It’s not often done,” Thorn admitted. “But it does happen on occasion. It’s easier when it’s a Pyro female with the male of a different species, as happened with my parents. My mother was a Pyro and my father was a Kindred explorer who came to our planet. He was a Blood Kindred but his father’s father had been Pyro. The Kindred are genetic traders—they’re always interested in looking for new trade partners,” he added, seeing Neh’sa’s look. “Sometimes they’re willing to overlook obvious flaws to be with someone they love.”
“Obvious flaws like bursting into flame in public?” she remarked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes, like that.” Thorn looked down at his hands. “Anyway, my mother was a genetics specialist whose father’s father had been a Beast Kindred. My parents had a lot in common because of their shared ancestry and heritage. She helped him find out more about his Pyro relations and, well…” He shrugged. “They fell in love.”
“And had you,” Neh’sa said softly.
“And had me,” Thorn said grimly. “Though they didn’t really want me. My mother cried when she found out I was a son instead of a daughter.”
“What?” Neh’sa frowned. “Why?”
“Because a half-breed Pyro has a much more difficult time controlling the fire that lives inside us,” Thorn explained heavily. “For some, it’s nearly impossible—such children are often locked away for their safety and the safety of others.”
Neh’sa shook her head. “I don’t understand. If all Pyros have a, uh, fire inside them—”
“All male Pyros do,” Thorn corrected her. “Female Pyros don’t have the fire. And until they bond with a male Pyro, they’re vulnerable to it.” He shook his head. “My mother cried when she found out I was a male because she knew she’d have to give me up.”
“Did they lock you away?” Neh’sa asked softly, stroking the long shallow cuts on his thighs where the night-slinker’s hind claws had raked him.
Thorn could feel the warming heat of her healing power and see the pink glow of light that came from her palms as she healed him, just as he had when she healed his chest and cheek. It felt so good he wanted to push her away—he didn’t deserve to feel good right now or ever again.
“No—but maybe they should have locked me up,” he said grimly, holding still under her touch with an effort. “The authorities wanted to, in fact. But my mother’s father swore he could teach me to control the fire. So I went to live with him and my mother’s mother.”
“That must have been difficult.” Gently, she trickled water over the brand on his back, squeezing it from the synthi-sponge over the burning area.
Thorn hissed through his teeth but didn’t flinch. He deserved this pain like all the rest. He was glad she didn’t try to heal him there.
“Some,” he said when she was finished. “My parents came to visit me often. I burned my mother by accident so many times as a child…” He sighed. “It used to make both of us cry. I remember it well—the ache of causing pain to someone you love so much you’d rather die than hurt them. But she never stopped coming and finally, by the time I was in my teen years, my father’s father had succeeded in teaching me control.” He shook his head. “It didn’t come easily to me, you know. Full blooded Pyros have a kind of wall inside them—a wall they can throw up around the fire and cut it off at any moment. But I don’t have that.“
“What do you have?” Neh’sa sounded interested.
Thorn raked a wet hand through his hair, making it stand up in spikes.
“The best way I can describe it is as a kind of net—a net I keep around myself at all times. Of course,” he said dryly, “A net isn’t nearly as good as a wall, especially when you’re trying to keep something from leaking out.”
“But it did leak out, didn’t it?” Neh’sa asked softly. “Not just tonight—at another time—in your past.”
Thorn frowned. “How did you know that?”
“Besides the pain and guilt I feel coming from you? You told me yourself tonight. You said, ‘Do it before the fire kills you! Before it kills you the way it killed her!’ You shouted it when you were begging me to brand you,” she reminded him.
“Gods…” Thorn put his face in his hands. “I guess I did, didn’t I?”
“Do you want to tell me about it?” Neh’sa asked gently.
“Tell you about it? Tell you the worst, most painful and fatal failure in my life?” Thorn demanded. “Hell no!” He sighed and looked at her. “But I will. You should know what I am…should know what you’ve taken into your house.”
“Thorn, if you’d rather not—”
“I was eighteen cycles old and full of myself,” he interrupted. “I hadn’t had what we call a ‘flame-up’ where you lose control of the fire, in almost three years. I thought I was invulnerable—that I could never lose control again. And so I allowed myself…” Gods this was hard to tell. “Allowed myself to love,” he said, forcing the words out. “Her name was Loreinalla but everyone just called her Lori. She was a year older than me—both our parents hoped she’d be a steadying influence on me.”
“And was she?” Neh’sa asked simply.
Thorn nodded. “Oh yes. Because of her, I learned a trade early. So that we could afford to be joined and bonded. I wanted no one else from the moment I saw her.” He sighed. “My father said that was the Kindred part of me. That when you find the right female you know it and you don’t want any other.”
“What happened?” Neh’sa asked. “I mean, did it happen when you…penetrated her?”
“No.” Thorn shook his head. “It’s the act of penetration—of bonding—that forms a protective barrier around the female—any female a Pyro mates with—and keeps her safe from his fire. In fact, if we had made love early, Lori might still be alive. But she wanted to wait—it’s very important to be a virgin on the joining night on my home planet—on Pyralis.”
“So then how…”
“We went on a trip together. A post-joining trip. The idea is for the male and female to spend time alone together after their joining day,” Thorn explained. “The people of Earth, the planet the Kindred Mothership is currently protecting, call it a ‘honeymoon.’”
“Sounds like a good idea,” Neh’sa murmured.
“It is—in most cases. In our case, we decided to go to the Chalian woods. It’s a huge forest on the northern continent of Pyralis and Lori’s parents owned a small domicile there—a cabin.” He raked a hand through his hair again. “It was going to be perfect—spending our first night as a mated couple together in such a quiet, beautiful remote place.”
“What happened?” Neh’sa asked.
“We got settled in the cabin and like a fool, I left her alone.” Thorn gave a bitter laugh. “I went to gather some shalla blossoms for her. They’re a common little pink flower that blooms everywhere on Pyralis and it’s tradition for a male to bring some to his new mate. I went to get her some but on my way back…I heard her screaming.”
He closed his eyes, remembering that awful sound—the piercing shrieks coming from the little greenish-brown cabin built of the same Chalian wood that grew in the forest. He remembered crushing the bouquet of blossoms tight in his fist and running as fast as he could, rushing to the door of the cabin where he saw…
“What did you see?” Neh’sa whispered and he heard an echo of the pain he felt himself in her soft voice.
“There were…three males. I don’t know if they lived there or they were just passing through but they must have seen Lori through one of the windows. Seen her and decided to take what they wanted.”
Thorn’s voice had gone harsh and he found the words harder and harder to get out. The memory of the three of them—those bastards—and Lori between them, screaming and struggling but pinned, unable to get away…
“Thorn…” Neh’sa’s voice was awed. “Your bathwater…it’s boiling.”
“Gods, damn it!” It was the fire inside him, wanting to get out again. Once you had a flame-up it was so much harder to control.
Thorn closed his eyes and concentrated, forcing himself to breathe deeply and get hold of the raging inferno that lived inside him. Slowly, the water in the deep soaking tub stopped bubbling and he was able to speak coldly and dispassionately again.
“They were hurting her—taking her against her will,” he made himself say. “When I saw that—saw what they were doing—the fire rose inside me. Strong emotions, especially when it comes to a cherished female, make it worse—harder to control.”
“So the fire came out—”
“And killed them all. Oh yes,” he added, seeing her puzzled look. “The fire of one male Pyro can kill another. It just depends on whose fire is strongest. Perhaps because of my hybrid heritage, I have a stronger fire than most.” He sighed deeply. “But I lost control of it. It spread to the cabin. I shouted for Lori to run, to get out but she…” He cleared his throat. “Instead of running out the door, she ran deeper into the cabin. She ran into the flames.”
“Oh, Thorn…”
“I know why she did it,” he went on, wanting to get it all out. “She wanted to die. After what those bastards had done to her. After I failed to save her.” He looked up at Neh’sa. “I went in after her—tried to get her back. But by the time I got her out of the fire it was too late. She was…was gone.”
“Thorn, that’s terrible.” The compassion in Neh’sa’s dark eyes was more than he could bear. He shook his head.
“I deserved to lose her. And I deserved everything that came after I left Pyralis too. The fire whip…the blood snails…every other torture I ever endured. I went through them to prove nothing could ever erode my self control again.”
“You went through them to punish yourself,” Neh’sa said softly.
“What if I did?” Thorn demanded. “I deserved the pain. I should have protected her. I should have saved her. Instead I let her burn…” He looked into Neh’sa’s eyes, willing her to understand. “I let her burn.”
“Thorn, darling…” She took his face in her small, cool hands. “What happened to you was terrible but you’ve paid enough. Let the past go. Let me heal you.” She let one small hand slide around to the burning brand between his shoulder blades but Thorn shrugged her off.
“No!” He rose dripping from the bath and snatched for one of the long bathing sheets by the side of the tub to wrap around his waist.
The past was bad enough but right now all he could think of was the way he would have to betray Neh’sa to gain the knowledge he had come to get. What a monster he was! He’d failed to protect and save the first female he ever loved and now he was going to deceive and ruin the second one.
Because, yes—he loved her—loved Neh’sa to distraction. Though it had been only a week she’d somehow gotten past his shields and found her way into his heart. A heart Thorn had once prided himself on being as hard and cold as stone. He’d thought nothing could touch him, nothing could crack his armor. But Neh’sa had done it—she’d forced him to submit not only his body but his soul.
She owned him and not just because she’d bought him at that damn auction.
And look what he was about to do to her. He was going to force her to let him in to the Library of All Knowledge and probably ruin her reputation as a trainer in the process. He was going to betray her and leave her—leave her to run into the flames, as surely as Lori had run into them those many years ago.
What a shit I am, he thought dismally. Gods, I should be killed but death is too good for me. It would put me out of my misery which I damn well don’t deserve.
“Thorn…” Neh’sa’s soft voice was strained and her dark eyes were full of the hurt he felt. “Goddess, your pain—you have so much pain both inside and out. Please…” She took a step towards him. “I could order you as a Mistress but I don’t want to. I want you to come to me as an equal and let me heal you—or at least try to anyway.”
“No.” Thorn evaded her reaching hand. “No, you don’t know everything about me, even now and I can’t…can’t tell you.” He shook his head. “I don’t deserve any more healing and I don’t want it either. I would rather…” He cleared his throat. “Would rather go to my room and be alone.”
“You mean you’d rather go be in pain,” she said softly.
“Yes,” Thorn said shortly.
He didn’t even merit her company, he told himself. He shouldn’t have anything that could mitigate the misery he so richly deserved.
Neh’sa looked about to protest but then she simply nodded.
“Very well,” she said quietly. “Try to get some sleep. I’m afraid we’re going to have a hard day tomorrow with Lady Wraith’ neck and Grande Dame Thrust’much.”
“Yes, Mistress,” Thorn said dully. He bowed his head in a gesture of respect and then left her standing there, left with the brand burning on his back, glad of the pain it caused.
Glad because he deserved it and would never deserve any better.
* * * * *
Neh’sa watched him go with an ache in her heart. Goddess, the agony inside the big Kindred was almost too much to bear even for her and she was only feeling it second hand!
How could he keep such an awful secret bottled up for so many years? Especially when he blamed himself completely for the terrible tragedy that had befallen his beloved.
She longed to take him in her arms, to soothe that awful ache she felt inside him. No wonder he willingly endured torture and pain—he was trying to atone for what he perceived to be the sins of his past.
He needs to be released of this pain—of this guilt, Neh’sa realized and knew it was true. The big Kindred needed badly to feel relieved of his internal torment, but how?
She had no answers.
There’s nothing I can do for him, she realized. Not now. He has to want to be forgiven and relieved of his burden. And right now he’s still clinging to it. Why?
“You don’t know everything about me,” he’d said. Had he done something else? What other guilt was he carrying?
Neh’sa didn’t know—could never know unless he trusted her enough to tell her.
Goddess, she wished he did. She couldn’t forget the way he’d flamed-up to save her. The words he’d shouted at the night-slinker—“You don’t get another chance to hurt my female! She’s mine!” And then later he’d knelt and said he was hers, even though he didn’t deserve to be.
Could it be that the big Kindred had developed some sort of…feelings for her?
And can it be that you feel for him too? whispered a little voice in her head. Can it be that you love him as you haven’t allowed yourself to love any male since Heroth died protecting you in that riot?
It was a foolish thought—a wrong thought.
And Neh’sa couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard she tried.