Chapter Four
Sadie
Someone’s sitting on my bed, their body sinking into the mattress next to my hip. Despite the drummer going to town in my head, I force my lids open, blinking the grit away for several seconds.
Jesus. Why is the sunlight so bright? Have those rays always come through my bedroom window with the power to blind a person?
And why is Ashton sitting on my bed first thing in the morning? As I push my tangled hair from my eyes, everything that I did the night before floods back.
“Oh, God…” I yank the covers over my face.
He pulls them back down. “Wanna tell me why you did that last night?”
Shaking my head with a groan, I haul my blanket over my head again and mutter an incomprehensible “no.”
Ashton jerks the comforter below my chin, knuckles turning white from the force of his grip, and I know there’s no way in hell he’s going to let what happened last night go. And he isn’t going away until I give him an explanation. But the truth is too convoluted for even me to grasp. In my drunken state, still hurt over finding Jake with his pants down and another woman’s lips wrapped around his cock, I was drawn to Ashton.
For comfort?
For revenge?
Or because…no.
“C’mon, Sadie. You can’t suck my cock out of the blue and expect me to not ask why.”
I let out a frustrated breath. “I caught Jake’s assistant blowing him last night.”
He quirks an unsurprised brow, but at least he has the grace not to say I told you so. Amanda’s already given me enough hell about Jake and his womanizing vibes.
I sit up, careful to keep the lower half of my body covered, and Ashton scoots over on the mattress to give me more room.
“So you did it to…what? Get back at him?”
“No!” My eyes go wide. I temper my voice before continuing. “I was drunk. I’m not sure why I did it.”
“How long have we known each other?”
A very long time. Almost too long to remember the exact day I met him. “Years.”
“That’s right. Too damn long to skirt around this. You know you can tell me anything.” He swallows hard, and for a split second, his gaze wavers. “No matter what, Sadie.” Something catches in his voice, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. Hope? Fear?
Uncertainty seizes my heart, especially since my feelings for him are completely fucked up—are nothing more than twisted vines strangling my gut. I bite my lip, deliberating, and finally settle on what little truth I can give him.
“I guess I was curious. I’m not…experienced…in that department.” Or any department, really. “That’s probably the reason he decided to feed someone else his fucking dick.” The words come out with more vehemence than I intended.
“So let me get this straight. Jake decided to be an asshole because you wouldn’t give him head?”
“Not because I didn’t want to,” I mumble.
“Jesus Christ, Sadie. Jake did what he did because he doesn’t deserve you.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know the first thing about pleasing a guy.” Groaning, I cover my face with two sweaty palms. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
He grabs my hands and yanks them away from my face. “And I can’t believe you tried sucking me off in public.”
I gulp.
His icy blue gaze smolders with intensity, roaming my face, studying each nuance of my features. “You confuse the fuck out of me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For confusing me, or for sucking my cock?”
Every part of me grows warm. My cheeks, my chest, my toes…and everything in between. The fuzzy memory of last night starts an inferno in my veins. I mentally flip through the recollections like TV channels. His steel shaft wrapped in warm, smooth skin. Skin like velvet. His soft tip between my lips, leaking silky desire onto my tongue.
The gagging.
The groaning.
His fingers tightening in my hair, pulling at my scalp. Begging for more. His thigh shaking under my hand.
No matter how embarrassing, I can’t regret going down on him. It was a ballsy thing to do, a humiliating thing to do. What’s done is done, and now my secret is out. Despite my inexperience, I crave things my parents would disown me for.
“I’m sorry for confusing you. Last night confused me too. I’ve never done anything like that before.” I try to extricate my hands from his, but he won’t allow it.
He leans closer, his lips parting the slightest bit, choppy breaths fanning my mouth. “If it’s experience you’re looking for, I can help you out there.”
Time screeches to a halt. My pulse speeds up, and my hands go sweaty within his grasp. His chest rises and falls too fast.
I affect him. Me. The girl he wrestled with in the mud when we were seven. The girl he picked on by pulling my pigtails. But more surprisingly is how he’s affecting me. One drunken, thoughtless act shifted the foundation of who we are. What we are.
Friends…
More than friends.
It might be undefined and unvoiced, but I suspect neither of us can deny what’s happening here. Not after last night.
“I don’t think…” Damn, I can’t keep my gaze from drifting to his mouth. My lips have touched his cock, but I’ve never kissed him. How crazy is that?
“Don’t hold back now, Sadie.”
“I…it’s not…I mean…”
“Not a good idea?”
“Yeah.”
Slowly, he lets go of my hands and puts some distance between us.
Why do I feel so damn disappointed?
“You know I’d never hurt you, right?”
Not physically, but emotionally?
“I have eyes, Ash. You break hearts for a living.”
“Are you saying I have the power to break yours?” He seems too interested in the answer to that question.
“I’m saying you’re one of my closest friends. I don’t want to risk losing you.”
“I can be your friend and still be…more.”
I read between the lines of his words. Experimenting with him will be safe. He won’t hurt me, won’t judge, and he won’t expect anything more. He isn’t the settle-down-in-a-relationship type of guy.
And that’s the problem, because I don’t know myself well enough to know if I can play around without getting my heart involved. The thought of risking what we have, of allowing our friendship to go into turbulent waters, is terrifying.
It’s about as unsafe as you can get.
Deep down, I know I’ll only grow closer to him through the act of intimacy. And after he walks away, I’ll want to tear out the heart of the next woman he brings into his bed. It doesn’t matter that she won’t spend more than a few weeks with him. Doesn’t matter that he’s open about being a manwhore of epic proportions. That’s a line that isn’t worth crossing.
I open my mouth to say thanks but no thanks.
“Okay.”
But that comes out instead. Why does my fucking mouth keep doing things that will get me in trouble?
He sucks in a breath. “Are you sure?”
No.
“I trust you.”
“Before we do this, I need you to know something.”
“Okay,” I say, dragging out the word with caution.
“I like to be in control.”
“What does that mean?”
He leans forward, planting a hand on either side of my body, and invades my space in a way he’s never done before.
Like he owns the air I breathe. Like he owns me.
“It means I call the shots.”
I blink, stunned because Ashton never came across as the dominating type. Okay, well maybe a little. He’s always been super protective of his sister and me when we were kids. Truth be told, he still is. And now that I give it thought, he never asks for what he wants. He doesn’t have to because he always makes his intentions clear from the get-go. He carries himself with confidence that borders on cocky.
Unless you know him like I do.
So what if he is a cocky fucker? Maybe that cockiness only comes out in the bedroom. His words from last night drift back to me, untainted despite my drunken state at the time.
You couldn’t handle me.
One look into his eyes steals my breath. The curve of his lips steals rational thought. The firm set of his jaw steals my will. Against my better judgement—against the warning staccato beat of my heart—I hurtle from everything that’s safe and familiar and boring.
“So…” I despise the way my cheeks flush under his scrutiny. “Where do we go from here?”
He takes my chin between two gentle fingers, his thumb stroking my jaw. His touch sparks something inside me—an ember longing to blaze. It takes everything I have not to let my eyes drift shut and just feel. A small sigh escapes my lips.
“We go where I take us.”
Now I do close my eyes. This is too much. Things are shifting too fast. I’m still the same girl I’ve always been, only now I want to drop to my knees and tear at his zipper. And I want him to teach me how.
A long stretch of silence passes. Or maybe it’s short and just feels like minutes instead of seconds.
“Look at me,” he says, the softness of his voice lifting my lids. “If you want to pleasure a man, the first thing you need to learn is how to pleasure yourself. Do you touch yourself?”
I jerk back, alarmed by such an intrusive question.
He won’t let me retreat. “Eyes up here, Sadie,” he commands, and I realize I’m staring at his strong jawline. “Answer me.”
Holy shit, this side of him both scares and thrills me. What sort of avalanche did I set in motion last night in my drunken stupor?
“I…sometimes.”
“Have you ever gotten yourself off in front of a guy?”
He’s so matter-of-fact with these questions, we might as well be discussing the various ways one could prepare dinner.
“No.” I try to shake my head, but his hold on my chin won’t allow it.
He seems to consider that for a second. “I want you to get up, shower, and dress. Lying around in bed until noon isn’t going to help your hangover.” He finally lets go of me and stands. Parting my lips, I allow a tiny breath of relief to escape. But then he tugs on the blanket. With lightning quick movements, I grab hold at the last second, refusing to let go.
“I’m not dressed.”
“We’re gonna have to go over some ground rules, beginning with your modesty.” He steps back and lets go of the blanket before gesturing at me with a sweeping hand. “You’re gonna be naked in front of me soon enough, so a T-shirt and panties is nothing. Get up. Now.”
“You’re so bossy.” My words might have sass, but I can’t hide the quiver behind them. I’ve never heard him speak quite like that before—with commanding presence. With authority.
Over me.
He is utterly confident that I’ll bend to his will simply because he gave the order.
Who is this guy? I can’t reconcile the version of Ashton standing before me with the guy I grew up with. He’s a fucking master chameleon.
“Bossy doesn’t begin to describe me. Now get your cute ass out of bed before I spank it.”
I climb off the mattress, exposing my half-naked body to his heated perusal. But I can’t stop from folding my trembling arms over my chest. Too much adrenaline is rushing through me. Too much want.
“Is this what you mean by calling the shots?”
He nods with a frown. “Don’t be ashamed of your body.” He gestures at my rigid posture. “Lower your arms.”
Slowly, I let them dangle at my sides, hating how naked I feel standing in front of him, vulnerable and exposed to the core, despite my T-shirt covering my panties.
“Do you have a problem with me being in charge?”
“I…” My gaze lowers to his feet. “I don’t know. All of this is happening so fast.”
I’m dreaming. None of this makes sense. How did Ashton and I end up in my bedroom like this? In this situation?
“Do you trust me, Sawyer?”
He’s the only one who’s ever called me that.
“Of course I do.”
“Then I don’t see a problem. We’ll go over some ground rules so we’re both comfortable with this. But in the meantime, I want you to shower, dress, and get some food in your stomach.” His lips curve into a grin, and that bright smile of his warms me all the way to my toes. “Do you have plans tonight?”
“No.”
“You do now. Come by my place at seven.”