Kara
I grew up in a sheltered environment.
In a town where Louis Vuitton’s were not as important as Hermès and Dolce and Gabbana were everyday wear.
I never discussed finances with my parents. It was just assumed that whatever I wanted, I was able to ask for and get it.
But asking for it meant returning the favor and that’s what my mother had taught me.
“When you arrive, we’re going to have dinner with the Starks, then in the morning brunch with the Jamesons’.” My mother was speaking on the phone, I listened for the details and tuned out the rest.
Dinner, brunches, they were all the same.
Hubbubs of people who dressed as if every day was a fashion show and that they were immune to all the strife in the world.
I’d learned of infidelity when I saw my friend Allie cry over her parents’ sham of a marriage. Her dad was toppling the nanny and her mom was having an affair with the plumber, but they were together because their names side by side were better on paper.
I’d accepted that men seldom showed affection and that it was better to be alone than to fight and split up the assets.
My parents, for all the shortcomings that they had, somewhat loved each other.
They weren’t affectionate publicly, but my mother didn’t cheat and my father was scared to death of my mother.
I also acknowledged that while I understood the way the world worked, I wasn’t capable of comprehending it all.
“I’m coming back right after Thanksgiving, Mom,” I said when I could finally insert myself into the one-sided conversation. “I have a lot of stuff to do after the holidays.”
I did but before I came back to San Diego, I was stopping by Aspen for two days to be with Bishop and his sister.
Bishop divulged to me that his sister didn’t want to go back to New York so they were rerouting to Colorado for a few days. He’d invited me to stay the whole time he was there, but as much as I’d love to, I had to show my face to my parents or they’d never forgive me. Thanksgiving at the Chamberlane’s was a big family affair.
My parents hosted a big dinner for their closest friends and families and everyone had the chance to get caught up in the latest gossip.
I loved the idea of spending time in my room and watching the snow fall to the ground. I would’ve invited Bishop, but I didn’t want him to meet the firing range of my parents’ inquisitions so maybe next year.
“Got it, Mom.” I refrained from saying anything more before I said goodbye.
My brother had texted me that Mom had been calling about Thanksgiving so I was obliged to answer before I stepped inside Coffee Deux, SDU’s popular coffee spot.
“Espresso con panna, please.” I gave my order to waiting barista, who asked if I wanted to pair it with a bagel.
“Oh, no thank you.” Bagels would not be good for my non-existent diet. I’d been eating like a pig since Bishop and I got together.
He had the habit of feeding me and I had the habit of eating.
The good thing was we both loved to work out after so somehow the calories evened out.
I stepped to the side to wait for my order when a strong, familiar hand touched my arm.
“Kara.”
Scott.
I glanced up his way and I saw the familiar light green eyes of my ex-boyfriend and the not-so-familiar strain in his features.
He looked tired, exhausted even.
“Can we talk?” He asked in an unsure voice.
I had twenty minutes to spare before my groupmates started hounding my cell so I nodded and walked towards a corner table that could seat four after picking up my coffee from the barista.
It’d been a week since Bishop’s game and our coming out to the world.
So far, Bishop hadn’t been kicked out of Tau, and I think it had a lot to do with my brother’s influence. In addition to that, Bishop was VP so that should have counted for something.
Bishop had been staying at Ian’s apartment at night so I could be with him and I’d been over there a few nights this week. Ian rented a three-bedroom house off-campus and his third roommate had moved out after a family emergency and Ian was still looking for a roommate. We’d talked about Bishop’s living situation and he said he was willing to be the third roomie if he had no place in Tau.
My man had been quiet about the on goings at his frat.
I’d asked Cody about it, but Cody said he didn’t know anything. Cody was still a new member of the frat so he might not be privy to what was happening to his seniors, but the fact that Cody was still around me was a testament of Bishop’s place in Tau.
Scott sat across from me and placed his phone on the table, face down.
“I miss you.” He didn’t mince his words and I saw the veracity of his statement in his eyes.
I took a sip of my coffee and gently nodded. At one point in my life, I loved this man. My world rotated on his axis and I gave everything that I could to him.
My shoulders were his to cry on when he had a lousy appointment.
I’d kissed his lips when he’d argued with his parents.
I’d listened to him talk about his frustrations in football, football, and more football.
I knew he loved me too.
But now I knew the difference between loving someone with all that you could give and loving someone with all of your soul.
I gave all that I could to Scott.
And to Bishop, I gave my soul.
The difference was meteoric, infinitesimal. Unquantifiable.
“How are you?” I asked, wondering what was going through his head. He hadn’t spoken to Bishop and my brother hadn’t said a word about Scott.
“Shitty.” He forced a laugh, then followed it up with a loaded gun, “I want you back.”
He put both of his hands on the glass table, fisting the paper napkin into a crumpled mess, and looking at me with so much weariness and sadness. “I miss you, Kara.”
My heart was breaking, and my insides were shaking, but my voice held firm, “You have to move on, Scott.”
“How do I move on from you?” He asked, willing me to answer it for him. “I made a mistake. I should have been more attentive. I should have taken care of you. I should have kept you in the loop. I have all the should-haves whirling around in my head and it’s hard for me to deal with it.”
“You can’t keep blaming yourself. It’s stressful and I wouldn’t want you to start having seizures again. Scott, It’s not healthy…” I said, feeling the slight burn of the coffee on my tongue. “I broke up with you because of many reasons, but the main reason was that I didn’t feel like we were growing as a couple anymore. I felt like we’d reached our time and it expired. All these years, whenever you asked for space, I gave it to you, sometimes not knowing if you’d come back to me. It was hard and Hanna had nursed me through all of it. I gave everything I had to you, Scott, but somehow it still wasn’t enough.”
His eyes lowered and he turned his face to the side. “When you broke up with me, I thought you were also coming back… But now, now that you’re with him, I feel like it’s just so final.”
“It was final before I started anything with Bishop,” I proclaimed. The weeks before I broke up with Scott were filled with confusion and despair. I wanted to make it work between us, but I also knew that I was starting to develop feelings for another guy.
Scott’s eyes tensed as soon as I mentioned Bishop and he said, “He broke the rules.”
I tilted my head and as I watched a scowl mar his face, I countered, “Don’t tell me you’ve never broken the rules.”
He was a good man, but he’d also broken rules. He’d skipped so many classes in his senior year so he could go boating with his friends, including my brother. He’d had his doctor sign absence slips for him because he’d lied about not feeling well when all he wanted to do was stay home and play video games. He almost didn’t make it to a football game because his friend’s car broke down thirty miles away from our town because they’d spent all night clubbing in Dallas.
His face was inscrutable as he processed what I said.
“It’s different, Kara.” He articulated, his posture straight, and I knew that there was no reasoning with him but I had to try.
“How is it different?” I raised a brow, holding the paper cup still teeming with coffee with both of my hands. A few curious glances went our way, but I ignored them. Scott was a popular entity at SDU so everywhere he went he’d be recognized. “Is it because breaking the rules only apply to you and not to him?”
He shook his head and said, “No. Because he messed with what’s mine.”
Slowly, I stood up and bestowed him a look of sadness and exasperation. “I was yours.”
I kissed my hand and pressed it to his head when I passed by him, “Goodbye Scott. Call me when you get your good senses back.”