“Come on. We’ve already missed some of the game.” Tom takes my hand and leads me down a short tunnel-like walkway. A lady is waiting at the top of the stairs. He shows her our tickets, but she makes us wait until there’s a stoppage in play before we can head down to our seats.
I didn’t sign up for a hockey game. Aren’t guys at least supposed to make sure I’m somewhat interested in what we’re doing for our date? I don’t know a thing about hockey. The most I know is that our team is the Carolina Rebels. That’s it. That’s the extent of my knowledge. Tom acts as if we’re late because of me. No, we’re late because he didn’t pick me up on time.
Come to think of it, I didn’t want to go on the date, but Carey insisted, so here I am.
Tom is a huge hockey fan, apparently. We’re sitting in the third row from the glass to the right of the goalie. He starts talking, explaining the game, but I’m only mildly paying attention. Hockey makes me think of Ian since he used to play. That’s not who I want to think about tonight.
I keep my eyes on the big bodies on the ice, trying to keep up with the action while hoping it’ll keep my mind off of Ian. There’s a huge hit as two players slam into the boards in front of us. Fans immediately jump to their feet, shouting and cheering as gloves fly off the players’ hands. I stand, too, caught up in the moment. It’s a blur of fists until the refs pull the players apart. I stop breathing as I catch sight of the Rebels player’s face.
Ian.
Fans start to sit down, but I’m frozen in place. Ian leans down to pick up his gloves and when he stands upright, he sees me. His eyes widen, his jaw drops, and I’m so confused. He mouths I’m sorry before being ushered to a box.
I fall back into my seat as Tom starts to go on and on about Ian Rhett, who happens to be his favorite player. How is he even here? I thought he lived out of the country. How long has he been here? He’s a professional hockey player? He never told me that.
“How long has he been on the team?” I interrupt Tom’s long-winded explanation of why he loves the man I’ve been sleeping with but refusing to be with.
“He was traded last February.”
Around the time Ian started visiting me more regularly and asking if he could see me more. How could he keep this from me? Then again, I have my own huge secret, so I can’t truly be justified in how I feel, but this is huge. No wonder he’s been pushing for us to meet. It feels like my world has fallen apart. It actually hasn’t yet, but it’s going to. I don’t know how to process this information.
I’m so lost in my own head that I barely notice that my date has stopped talking to me and is now talking to a girl sitting on the other side of him. All I can do is watch Ian. He flicks his gaze my way every so often when there’s a stoppage of play or when he’s on the bench.
When Ian scores a goal, the arena erupts. I’d say they’re cheering, but the noise is so loud, it sounds like a roar. I’ve never seen or heard anything like it. Then again, I’m not a sports fan. All I want is to go home. I don’t care that the Rebels win with Ian’s lone goal. I can hope all I want that Ian won’t show up at my apartment tonight. While I usually meet him at the hotel since he was supposedly in town on business, but he does have the address for where I live since he started to send me gifts again when we reconnected. I can only hope that he won’t show up. He’s going to come. I just know it.
What is his reasoning for not telling me he became a pro player? That he moved here? God, this is fucked up in so many ways and it’s only going to get worse.
Tom takes me home and drops me off. He doesn’t even try to act as if there will be another date. He doesn’t say he had a good time. He just says we’ll talk soon, which is highly unlikely since I was a bad date.
I walk into my apartment and relieve Logan from his babysitting duties, wondering how long it’ll be before Ian is here. I don’t know what happens after a game and if it’ll take him a while or not. I know nothing about his job. He never mentioned it specifically. Why? Why would he keep that away from me if we’re supposedly so close and he wants to be with me? When that’s been his lifelong dream?
God, he’s going to find out what I’ve kept from him. This is not how I wanted to tell him. I walk down the hallway and peek into my bedroom. Savannah’s sleeping soundly. Hopefully, she’ll stay that way.
“How’d the date go?” Logan asks.
“Terrible.”
“Sorry. I’m heading out for my own late-night date. Carey picked up an extra shift, so it’ll be a few hours before she gets home.”
“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”
He heads out. With a sigh, I return to the living room and sit in a chair, which will force Ian to keep his distance since it’s a single-person seat. He needs to stay out of reach. One touch will weaken my resolve. That’s how this mess started. He took a chance and kissed me when I was sixteen; I’ve been hooked ever since.
Ian has become something to me that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve never wanted to lose him, but I’ve never wanted to be put into a position where he could hurt me again, which is why I’m so hesitant about doing anything more than fucking. This allows us to maintain our friendship and occasionally have sex to fulfill that need. It’s more than sex, but it’s not. Is it any wonder why I’m so fucking confused?
Ian doesn’t knock when he walks through my door an hour and a half later. “Sydney,” he says softly when he sees me. I don’t say a word. Hell, I’m scared to even look at him. He starts walking my way, but before he can pass the couch to come too close, I speak.
“Don’t come near me, Ian.” My voice is calm. Maybe I should’ve sounded more pissed because he ignores me, dropping to his knees in front of me and resting his hands on my thighs. I keep reminding myself that there’s a little girl down the hallway and she’s the reason I can’t be pissed. When this is all over, Ian will have way more to be pissed at me for.
“I was planning to tell you tomorrow,” he begins.
“You should’ve told me when you moved here!” My voice rises and it pisses me off that he doesn’t look guilty! He just seems worried. “Why didn’t you tell me? What would you have done if I bumped into you when I was out running errands? You should’ve told me! Instead, I had to find out while I was on a date!” I shake my head because I can’t be pissed at him, but god, I am!
His eyes darken at finding out I was on a date, but I don’t care. “Babe, you know I love you,” he says quietly. Those words spur me into pushing him away and standing to gain some distance. That’s what he keeps telling me. I’ve been so certain that he meant he loved me as his best friend. I’ve done everything I can to convince myself of that because it’s the safe option. Ian doesn’t give me time to panic. “Every time I tell you, every time I mention wanting to meet when the sun is shining, you pull away from me. I didn’t tell you because I was scared I’d lose you if I did, that it would be too much for you. I thought if we met up more often, you’d warm up to the idea.”
“Bullshit! You didn’t want more from me until after you moved here. So, what? You want a relationship because it’s convenient now that we’re in the same city?”
“That’s not it! I tried dating other girls and I kept coming back to you, wishing they were you. I was ready for a relationship before I got traded, but since you’re so fucking content with how things are, I didn’t mention it. I took it as a sign when I got traded that it was time to act. I want you!”
“You lied to me! You’ve been here all this time and you haven’t said a word!”
“You would’ve freaked the hell out!” he shouts back at me. “Just like you are now. I’d bet all the money in my bank account that this is more of a problem because I’m here than because I lied. Don’t you love me, Sydney? Don’t you want to see how much better we’d be together if we were to take things further? Why is a relationship with me so terrible?” he finishes as he closes the distance between us, grabbing my hips.
“What’s so terrible about what we have now?”
“Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a relationship? A boyfriend? Someone to love you?” I squeeze my eyes closed as if that could keep his words from getting to me. “Babe, what are you so scared of? Come on. Tell me. Let’s get it all out right now.”
I stay quiet, not wanting to confront my fears. Ian pulls me against his chest, wrapping those strong arms around me. “I’m sorry I kept something like that from you. I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t want to lose you, so I’ve been cautious. I want you, Sydney, in every way possible. Please, explain to me why you don’t want the same thing.”
I knew if he touched me, I would lose my resolve. It crumbles so easily, it’s as if it was barely holding itself together to start with. “I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.
Ian rests his hands on either side of my neck, placing his thumbs on my jaw to tilt my head back. “Being in a relationship with me is the opposite of losing me, gorgeous.”
“You don’t get it.” I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me.
“Then make me get it.”
“I’m supposed to be mad at you.” Maybe I can change the subject.
“Sydney.” One word in a low, warning tone that lets me know he’s not budging until I confess. The man is about as stubborn as they come.
I don’t get the chance.
“Mommy?”
Ian swivels around at the sound of Savannah’s voice. I pull away from him to go to her.
“What’s wrong, buttercup?”
“Who dat?”
I glance over my shoulder at Ian. He’s staring at her in wonder. “That’s Ian. How about we watch The Little Mermaid and see if you can fall back asleep?”
She nods, rubbing her eyes with one hand while I take the other and lead her to the couch. I switch over to the movie that stays in our DVD player. We get settled on the couch, Savannah leaning into me as she gets comfortable, and Ian still seems baffled.
“I don’t understand,” he says.
“Sit down.” I pat the cushion next to me. “It’s going to be a long night.” My hands tremble as he sits. It’s good that he’s going to know, but I’m so not ready to confront my issues and the consequences of my actions.
“You never said,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
“Is her father around?” he whispers.
God, he hasn’t put it together. Tears begin to fall and I take a deep breath. Looking him in the eye, I say, “He just found out about her.”
Understanding dawns in an instant. “Fuck. Sydney.”
“Ssh. Please wait until I can get her back in bed.” She’s already half asleep, but if I move her now, she’ll wake up again.
Instead, he stands and walks out of my apartment.
The tears fall faster and I hold my daughter closer to me. I should’ve told Ian the moment I reconnected with him, but I didn’t and the longer I didn’t tell him, the harder it was to find a way. It’s going to hurt Ian worse when he hears the full story. It’s such a cluster fuck.
Just as I stand to put her in bed thirty minutes later, the door to my apartment opens. He came back. Relief floods me. He’s worse for wear than when he left, however. Ian follows me to my room, watches me tuck her into one of the twin beds, and shakes his head in wonder.
The moment we’re back in the living room, he demands, “Start from the beginning.”
“You’re not going to like any of it.”
“I don’t fucking care.”
We sit on opposite ends of the couch. I angle toward him and take a deep breath. Ian refuses to look at me. He stares at the movie still playing on the TV.
“It happened the last time we were together, when you came to see me before my graduation. When I first found out, I was terrified about what I was going to do. I didn’t know what you would say or how it would work out, but I knew that you had to know even though we weren’t talking anymore. I had deleted your number from my phone, so I didn’t have that. Dad got your dad’s number for me.” Ian tenses. “I called him and asked him if he would get you to call me. That it was important because I was pregnant. I told him that if you didn’t want anything to do with the baby, then that was okay, but I wanted you to know. I never heard from you. I called him two more times and the second time, he said he told you. But I hadn’t heard from you, so I took that to mean that you wanted nothing to do with her. He even apologized to me.”
Ian starts shaking his head. “He never told me.”
“I realized that when you came back and wanted to talk to me. I thought that maybe you wanted to be a part of her life, but when you never mentioned her and only wanted us to be friends again, I knew he didn’t tell you. Then we started sleeping together whenever you were in town and you seemed like the same Ian to me. You hadn’t changed and you were living in a different country. I knew I needed to tell you, but I never managed to say the words. It didn’t help that you were wanting more from me and I didn’t know if I could trust you.”
“That’s no reason to keep my daughter from me!” he explodes. “Does she even know about me?”
“Well, she’s two—almost three. It’s hard to tell her she has a father and her to really understand the concept.”
His shoulders slump and he nods. “What’s her name?”
“Savannah.”
“Pretty.”
“Thank you.”
He nods. “She’s why you always meet me at the hotel, isn’t she?”
“Yeah.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but I thought your father did and when you didn’t get in touch with me that you didn’t want anything to do with us.”
“You should know me better.” He finally looks at me.
“Well, I thought I knew your father enough that he would’ve told you I was pregnant, too. Why didn’t you tell me you became a pro player?”
“Fuck,” Ian curses. “My first season would’ve been when you called Dad to tell him. He probably thought I would fuck up my career.”
“Would you have?”
“No,” he immediately answers. “You could’ve come live with me; I’d just have to convince you to move to another country.” Ian sighs. “Fuck. Who would’ve wanted to move to another country alone with a new baby while her boyfriend would be working and traveling? Anyway, you never cared for sports and it’s just a job. It’s my dream job, yeah, but it’s just a job. I didn’t figure you’d care all that much.”
“Are you kidding me? Of course I care. That’s something huge that happened to you, Ian, and I missed it.” He’s living his dream and he didn’t think I would care? God, that hurts.
“Welcome to my life,” he mutters. He finds my gaze again. “Is she why you don’t want to be with me?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
“Does it matter? Can you honestly say that you still want a relationship with me now? I didn’t tell you that you have a daughter, Ian.”
He clenches his jaw. “No, I can’t say that because I’m too fucking pissed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want an answer.”
I sigh. He’s too stubborn for his own good. “You hurt me, Ian. You cheated on someone else with me. I told you that I loved you and you were adamant that you didn’t love me back. That fucking hurt! And for a long time, you hurt me worse by rejecting me and my child until I figured out that you didn’t even know. It wasn’t easy to be friends with you again and then to start sleeping with you somewhat regularly. I’m comfortable with what we were because I got to have you without worrying about getting hurt. Anything more is too risky.”
“And you hate risks,” he supplies. “You do know that our entire relationship as it is right now is because of risks, right? The risk of talking to a stranger in an airport. The risk of continuing to talk and getting to know one another. The risk that that person would change over time. The risk I took when I kissed you and you kissed me back. The risk we took to sleep together and to continue that every time I was in town. We’re built on risks, gorgeous, and you know what? They all turned out to be worth it.”
“But it’s not just about me anymore, Ian.”
“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “We have a daughter.”
Oh my goodness. My heart just exploded. Good. Maybe it can stop giving me problems. “Do you want to get to know her?”
“Yes,” Ian answers immediately.
“If I introduce you to her, there’s no walking away. Whether we’re together or not in whatever capacity, you can’t walk away from her.”
He nods in understanding. Ian glances over his shoulder toward her room. “I don’t know how to be a father,” he says quietly.
“You’re in luck. I don’t know how to be a mother. I wing it.”
Ian laughs. “That shouldn’t comfort me, but it does.”
I smile and for a moment, it’s like we’re normal. Or, our version of it. It’s too much. He’s still pissed. I’m pissed, though his lies are nowhere near as bad as mine. Looking away, I take a deep breath. “You should go home. Absorb your new role in life. We’ll work something out for you to officially meet her.”
“Do you think she’ll like me?”
“Absolutely. I was going to tell you the next time I saw you, by the way.”
“It’s been almost two years since we started talking again, Sydney. Two years of you keeping it from me and not just my dad.” Ian shakes his head. “Pretty pissed at both of you.”
“I know.” Ian missed so much of Savannah’s life and part of that is my fault. “Stay right here.” I get up and go to my bedroom. A few moments later, I return with three photo albums. I set them in his lap. “You’ll see her grow up. There’s also her weight when she was born and that kind of thing.” I pause. “Her full name is Savannah Lynn Jarvis. I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with her, so I gave her my last name. Plus, without you there to sign the birth certificate, she got my last name anyway. We can get you added, I’m sure, if you want. I don’t know what we would have to do, but we could look into it.”
“Okay, thanks. I’m going to head home.”