CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Natalia
The warm afternoon sun beats on my back as I stand with my legs spread at the ready. The sky is cornflower blue today, with a few wisps of white clouds scattered among the blue. After our classes ended, Luke and I headed to the field just like we have been doing for the past two weeks. Even though he fixed my car, I’m still going along with his football lessons. I’m actually doing pretty well now, if I do say so myself. Every day I come to school prepared, with an extra bag of clothes and shoes—I’ve since learned my lesson.
“GO!” Luke shouts from across the field, and I take off down the wide-open field at a sprint. Luke throws a pass a few yards away from me and I watch in slow motion as it sails toward my open hands. I do everything I can to remember Luke’s instructions. Keep your eye on the ball and stay ahead of the ball at all times. Make a diamond with your hands or cradle the ball against your body.
The ball gets closer, spiraling toward me, and I make sure I’m ahead of it for the catch. It falls perfectly into my arms, and I let out a little oomph at the force. I cradle it against my chest, and stare down in amazement.
Holy crap. I just caught a football. Without Luke helping me.
I flick my gaze up, and Luke is charging toward me with a wide, devious grin on his face. Like someone flicked the switch on my adrenaline, I come to my senses and take off toward the makeshift end zone. I can hear the pounding of his feet stomping behind me, but I push myself to make it to the end zone before he takes me down.
Come on. Come on!
I make the mistake of glancing behind me, and I freak when I see how close he is.
“Brace yourself!”
“What?” I yell and gasp, feeling completely out of breath. I look over my shoulder, but it’s too late. His thick arms wrap around me and suddenly I’m airborne, being lifted off my feet and onto the grass with a thud. I laugh like a complete psycho at the adrenaline pumping through my veins. What a rush!
Luke rests his body over mine, hands on each side of my head caging me in. His chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath, and I do the same. My heart is pounding wildly, and it’s a struggle just to inhale and exhale. Each intake of breath brushes my breasts against his chest, and that’s when it hits me. I realize we’re only inches apart. That’s the closest we’ve ever been. We’re so close, that if I really wanted to, I could purse my lips and lightly graze his without even moving my head.
The way Luke is staring down at me does something strange to my body. My skin tingles, and an unfamiliar warmth begins to build in my belly. I try to drag in slow, controlled breaths to stabilize my breathing, but it’s no use. Luke keeps invading my senses. He’s everywhere. I can feel him on top of me, the heat of his body rests over me, making me hot. I smell his unique woodsy scent as it wafts around me. His eyes are a thousand shades of gray, blue, green, and brown, indefinable and indescribable. His tongue juts out, wetting his plump lower lip and a zing of something unfamiliar shoots between my legs. His eyes search mine. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, or what he’s searching for, but I do the same. I take in every minute detail of his features and commit them to memory. He really is too good looking for his own good.
“You caught my ball.”
I swallow thickly as his warm breath ghosts across my face, smelling of cool mint and everything I love about Luke.
“I did.” My voice comes out breathy. I can’t tell if it’s from all the running or his close proximity—probably the latter. Luke’s brows pull down, creating an indent in his forehead. His jaw grinds back and forth like he’s suddenly irritated.
What the hell?
Just as I’m about to call him out on it, he mumbles something under his breath that sounds a whole lot like “fuck it”, then his head dips, and his mouth is on mine. My breath leaves me in a gasp, and my body coils tightly beneath him. My mind works a million miles a second trying to make sense of what’s happening.
His lips tentatively stroke mine, and I lose my train of thought completely. His lips are soft as they glide across mine, yet firm in their intent, and plump, oh so plump, yet extremely gentle. I press my mouth more firmly against his, and marvel in the way his lips mesh with my own. He’s skilled. There’s no doubt about that.
With the tip of his tongue, he caresses my lower lip, and it’s like a bolt of electricity is shot through my body. With trembling hands, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his body flush against mine, needing him closer. A low growl rumbles from the back of his throat and the sound goes straight to my core. The throbbing between my legs is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. The urge to grind my hips against him is all-consuming.
A deafening whistle rings out on the field and Luke jerks off me in one fluid movement. He’s on his feet and a hard look takes over his face. I scramble to my feet and feel all the color leave my face when I see one of the football coaches.
“Caldwell, what the hell have I told you? No more floozies on the field, God damn it!” he shouts, pointedly staring at me. A sharp pain pierces my chest, and all the air is extracted from my lungs. I feel like a complete idiot. He’s done this before, with other girls.
Why would I think I was anyone special?
My eyes sting, but I hold the tears back. I refuse to cry over this like some childish girl. I can’t believe I let Luke Caldwell kiss me.
On shaky legs, I manage to get to my feet and I stride to the exit of the field, hoping like hell Luke isn’t following me.
Was this his plan the entire time? Pretend to be my friend just so he can get in my pants?
Red hot anger coils through my body. After all the time we’ve spent together, I was actually starting to think he was different…that he wasn’t this ladies-man that everyone has pegged him out to be. But I was wrong—so completely wrong.
I spot Luke’s car in the parking lot almost immediately. We rode to school together, because Sam needed to borrow my car. I didn’t bother asking what for because she’s my best friend. It didn’t matter at the time. It was fine, up until now. I’m praying he left the doors unlocked so I don’t look like some idiot standing around waiting for him. God, I wish I would’ve just taken an Uber to school this morning instead of letting Luke give me a ride. Footsteps pound behind me, but I ignore them.
“Natalia, wait,” he puffs out breathlessly like he ran to get to me. I stop walking, close my eyes, and summon the strength to look indifferent. I turn around and cock my head to the side. “What?”
“Look…what happened back there…what he said—”
I cut him off before he can finish. I don’t think I can handle listening to the last of that sentence. I’m close enough to crumbling as it is.
“Don’t worry about it. The kiss meant nothing. You do this stuff all the time, Luke. I get it. You’re the ‘Ladies man Luke’. This is who you are, what you do. I know that. You don’t have to explain it to me.”
His brows pull down, and if I’m not mistaken, a brief look of hurt flits across his face, only for a second before his face hardens into a mask. His jaw grinds back and forth and his hands clench into fists at his sides.
“That’s what you really think of me?” His words are cold, so much unlike the warm, and playful Luke I’ve come to know. But did I really know him? Maybe I just see what I want to see, and this guy here is the real Luke Caldwell.
I shrug. “It’s all I know.”
Luke stares at me for a beat, then purses his lips and laughs dryly. “You know what? Fine.”
I cross my arms over my chest and feign a look of indifference. I don’t want him to know how much today has hurt me.
“Can we go now? I have to be at work, and I’m already running late.”
His nostrils flare, but he doesn’t say a word. Instead he walks toward his car, fishes out his keys to unlock the door, and climbs inside.
The ride to the Bar and Grille is silent. We both haven’t said one word to each other, and for that, I’m thankful. I don’t even want to be in the same car as him right now. I internally berate myself for letting my guard down with Luke. After that completely mortifying experience, being with him, in the closeness of his car while he takes me to work, is complete torture.
Can this get any worse?
I breathe out a sigh of relief when he pulls up at the front entrance. I don’t bother with the formality of a goodbye. Instead, I just gather my bags and speed walk through the front doors, ignoring the irritating ache in my chest that makes it impossible to breathe. I don’t even look back once.
Hours after the incident on the field with Luke, I’m still fuming. Aliza and Sam aren’t stupid, they know me well enough to get when to not ask any questions—and today is one of those days. I feel my control on the verge of snapping beneath the weight of my anger. I can’t believe I was that stupid.
How could I let myself slip? I thought I knew what I was doing!
I’m just turning the corner from the kitchen, when I stumble into Alex. Giving me a quick once over, he tugs on my arm and pulls me into a quiet corner of the Bar and Grille.
“What’s going on?”
I huff out a breath. “Don’t want to talk about it.”
He levels me with an intense gaze, his whiskey colored eyes probing for answers. “Start from the beginning. You’re freaking out the customers.”
“I’m just having a bad day, I guess. Boy trouble.”
Alex cracks a smile revealing a perfect row of white teeth. “Never thought I’d see the day.”
I roll my eyes. Yeah, I know. Who would’ve thought I’d ever be this angry over a guy. Not me, that’s for sure.
“You gonna be alright? Can’t have you scaring off all the customers, now,” he says in jest, elbowing me in my arm playfully. Forcing a smile, I nod my head.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s just…how do you do it?”
His forehead pulls down, indenting between his brows. “Do what?”
“You know…deal with Samantha? How do you put up with the drama and hide your feelings for her, all the while seeing her every day? You make it seem so easy.”
“Samantha and I have been going in circles for years. I guess after a while, you start to get used to it.” He shrugs and my heart constricts. Stupid Sam. I give him a look that says I hope one day she’ll pull her head out of her ass.
“Don’t worry,” he says, his lips turning up sadly at the corners. “I’ve spent my whole life dealing with people who didn’t love me back. This thing with Sam…it’s nothing new.”
Patting my shoulder, Alex turns on his heel, heading back to work. I’m rooted to the spot for I don’t know how long, wondering why I couldn’t end up attracted to guy like Alex. He’s perfect, and loyal, but he saw Sam first, and it doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to move on from her. Blowing out a sigh, I tilt my head heavenward and hope my best friend can get it together—myself included.
***
“What are you doing, Samantha?” I ask, irritation lining my voice. We just got off work, and I’ve been stewing over my anger for what feels like all day. After my conversation with Alex, I’ve been furious with Sam. She has the perfect guy, who is in love with her, but she doesn’t even care. Instead, she treats him like garbage because she’s afraid. All throughout our shift, I’ve tried to keep quiet on the conversation I had with Alex, but it hasn’t been easy. On my last straw, I’m ready to dump all my anger on Sam.
“Making a damn sandwich, Natalia. Who the hell shit in your cornflakes?” Her lip curls in anger before she turns back to the fridge.
“I’m talking about Alex, Samantha. What the hell is the matter with you? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life? Sleeping around until you’re fifty fucking years old?”
Sam slowly turns from the fridge and faces me with her brows raised. “Why don’t you say what’s really on your mind, Natalia? Because I have a feeling this isn’t about me.” She crosses her arms over her chest and pins me with a withering stare.
“It is about you! You’re just so selfish. You don’t care about anyone you hurt around you, just as long as you get what you want, that’s all that matters.”
Sam smiles at me, but it’s not a normal smile, it’s a scary smile. “Damn fucking right, I’m selfish,” she says in a calm voice. “Do you really think I would’ve made it where I am today, if I didn’t only look out for myself? I had a fucking crack whore for a mother who didn’t give two shits about me. I grew up in a foster system that fucked me over every night, literally. I did what I had to do to leave Roxbury and make a new fucking life for myself. So what if I step on people who are in my way? It’s fucking life, Natalia. People are bound to get hurt.”
I narrow my eyes at my best friend, feeling my temper rise. “You’re going to regret never giving him a chance. When you’re alone and old, and he starts a family, you’re going to regret it,” I seethe. Sam’s smile falls immediately.
“Well…don’t try to spare my feelings,” she says quietly, brushing past me out of the kitchen. Just as I start feeling bad for being so harsh, Sam turns back with a look on her face that makes me flinch.
“Too bad I don’t have feelings to spare. You just reminded me of that.”
She walks out of the kitchen without another word, and I sag against the kitchen wall.
What the hell is wrong with me?
***
I pound my fists on my sheets in frustration as I turn over in bed once again, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. But I can’t. Ever since our fight in the kitchen, I’ve felt horrible for saying all the things I did to Sam. On some level they were true, yes, but that doesn’t mean I should’ve said it. She didn’t deserve my anger over something that Luke did. Usually, when Sam and I fight, we make up by the end of the night, but not tonight. She went straight to her room after our fight, and I haven’t heard a peep since.
Blowing out a breath, I stare at the ceiling, hoping the darkness will bring me comfort, and lull me to sleep, but it doesn’t. I know exactly what I need to do in order to fall asleep. I throw back the covers, climb out of bed, and pad down the hallway. Twisting the doorknob, I push inside, and climb onto the empty side of Sam’s bed. Lying on my back, I stare at the ceiling and push past the tight feeling in my chest.
“I’m sorry for what I said.”
“Are you?” Sam asks in sarcastic tone from her side of the bed next to me. Blowing out a sigh, I turn toward her, and find her in the same position I just was—flat on her back, staring at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry, Sammy. It’s just…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” My voice cracks on the last word, and I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from crying. Sam shifts, turning onto her side toward me. Red hair that I’m so familiar with and emerald eyes face me.
“Talk to me.”
“You’re right, you know…I like him, but I don’t want to like him. I didn’t ask for any of this, Sam.”
She smiles sadly. “I know you didn’t.”
“Are you still mad at me?” I ask like we’re little girls in elementary school, and she laughs.
“I was never mad at you, babe. You’re my best friend and I love you. Sometimes we fight. That’s life.” She smiles at me, and I rapidly blink away the tears that so badly want to fall.
“You were right, per usual.” Sam sighs dramatically. “I was just mad at myself, because I am afraid. Alex’s feelings for me…they scare the shit out of me, Nat. He puts me on this pedestal, and I don’t know if I’ll ever measure up to the girl he thinks I am, or the girl he wants me to be.”
“Stupid girl. Don’t you know you already are the girl he wants you to be? Alex loves you for who you are, and what you’ve been through, Sam. He doesn’t expect you to change because you’re already the girl he wants.”
“I wish it was that easy, Natalia.”
“Why can’t it be? I know deep down in that nasty little brain of yours that you love him too.”
Sam’s eyes gleam in the dark, and I swear I think I see her chin tremble. She reaches out, grips my hand in hers, and squeezes.
“I don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone sweetie. Not after the life I’ve led.” Her voice shakes, and the tears I’ve been holding back drip down my face.
“But you love me, and Aliza…that’s a start.”
“Come here.” Sam tugs me into her arms and squeezes me tightly. I do the same.
“You guys are the exception to the rule,” she whispers lightly into the quiet air of the room.
We don’t say anything more. Instead, we just lie next to each other and listen as our breathing starts to even out. Even after fighting it all day, my last thought before I slip under is of Luke Caldwell.