MY TRIP WAS SHORT AND SWEET. I missed being home and being around my parents. It was easy to get used to not seeing them every day when you’re so far away, but having them around reminded me of all the fun quirky stuff we’d always done. All of that had stopped once I’d moved out. But I couldn’t wait to get back. Wrigley seemed off since yesterday, and I wondered if maybe it was just me overthinking things. Only way to know was to see him.

Aurora picked me up from the airport and she was all smiles and bouncing brown curls.

“What’s up, girlfriend.” She grinned like an idiot.

I loaded my bag into the trunk and gave her the side eye. “Hey. What’s got you peppier than normal?”

She was nearly bouncing on her toes. “Oh, just a certain boyfriend of mine said he wants me to meet the fam. Can you believe it? I’ll be going to North Carolina for part of my Christmas break.”

I was happy for her. “Wow, meeting the family is a pretty big deal. Things must be getting serious.”

“Yep! Serious enough that he thinks I’m worth letting his family meet me. I’m not some college girlfriend he’s banging for shits and giggles then tosses to the side for next semester’s hoe.”

We were jumping onto the highway and I blinked rapidly at her. “That’s a lot of information and assumptions in that sentence. I don’t think you were ever some random hoe. Bishop has always seemed quite enamored with you. You shouldn’t be surprised he wants to take you home to meet his folks. You should be surprised that he wants to take you home after just a few months of being together.”

Aurora was looking at me like I’d sprouted a second head. “Enamored with me? I swear Hadley, sometimes you talk too much like a grown up and not a girl who is eighteen and experiencing the best years of her young adult life.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means loosen up, and be your age. Take selfies, be reckless, post your butt cheeks on Instagram, use acronyms.”

I giggled. “You just used an adult word there.”

“Shut up,” she teased.

“I do take selfies.”

“Yeah? When?”

“When I’m at the library and I’m bored, or if I think there’s something in my teeth and I need to check.”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “You’re such a rebel.”

“What? I’m not posting my butt for some weirdos to see.”

“You’re missing my point. Since you walked out of the airport, you’ve had your shoulders squared, your hair is pinned up perfectly, you’re wearing floral for fuck’s sake! Loosen up.”

I sighed. Maybe I was being tense. I didn’t need to see Wrigley with a chip on my shoulder or whatever. And when I talked to him about the small fib I’d told his mom, I didn’t need to come across as some up tight bitch either. If I was relaxed and nonchalant about the whole thing, there would be no reason for him to take it as awful as I’d felt that day.

“Enough about me. Tell me all about the trip, and how many times Wrigley said he missed you.”

“You’re such a girl.”

“Yes, I am, now spill it.”

I spent the rest of the car ride telling her about my weird uncle and how he belches every time he takes a drink of wine. She laughed when I told her my dad took me out fishing, even though it was cold out and fish weren’t biting but I had the biggest catch of the day… him. I had, unfortunately, snagged my dad’s hat as I’d attempted to cast overhead versus to the side like I had been taught. I started to tell her about how I casually didn’t bring up Wrigley to my mom, but then I had told a massive white lie to his mother and my own. She cringed.

“Jesus, Hadley. Why?”

“I don’t even know. But why didn’t he tell me he spoke to his mom about us?” I whined and slouched down in the seat. We were almost to the dorms.

“If I remember right, I knew he had talked to his mom about you. In fact, I’m positive. I’ve been at the house when he was on the phone with his parents and you came up in conversation. Not good. You know that makes him look like a dirty, little secret, right?”

I rubbed my hand down my face. “Yeah, I know. So why didn’t you tell me?”

She looked at me with an ‘are you kidding me face’. “Hadley, I didn’t know this was going to be a thing. If I had, I would have said something. You know I would’ve. Does he know?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Is this going to be a big deal? I mean, is he really close with his parents?”

“Sorta. He was acting a little weird on the phone yesterday and I’m worried he’ll talk to his mom before I will even get a chance to tell him my side. Not that I really have a side.”

Pulling onto campus, it was just like the day my parents had dropped me off but that day felt like it had been light years ago. I couldn’t help but think about how hopeful and excited I had been to be here and had that ‘the world was my oyster’ attitude. I had no idea that God was going to push me in this direction and I was now concerned the Wrigley Brooks, my possible boyfriend, would be angry with me for hiding him.

“Are you going to go see him? I mean, maybe it was nothing.”

“Yeah. I’m going to just head over there after I unpack.”

“Screw unpacking. Want me to drop you off?”

Actually I did. I didn’t want to keep holding off when it’s been on my mind for days now. “Sounds good.”

Aurora made a quick turn just before she got to our road and was driving straight to Wrigley’s house.

“Are you going to let him know you’re coming? Does he know you’re home?”

“He knows I landed safely. But I think I’ll just show up. He won’t mind.”

We pulled up. “Good luck, Hon. Text me if you need me to pick you back up.”

I got out. “Thanks.”

I started to walk up the front path when she drove off. Taking a deep breath, I was excited to see him. Any days without the guy you’ve been seeing every day is rough. The anticipation was good. But everything else I was dreading. I sent a small prayer up to heaven that this blew over like it wasn’t a big deal and Wrigley would be his usual fun, laughable self. I knocked on the door.

Austin answered, instead of Wrigley. “Hey, Hadley! What are you doing here?”

I glanced around. “Is Wrigley home?”

He looked at me strangely. “No, he went to the pub down the road with Chris and Livi.”

Livi? What in the world? Settle down, Hadley, she was probably invited by Chris. They were pretty flirtatious the last time they’d been around each other. That had to have been the explanation.

“Oh, okay.” I tried not to sound shocked or disappointed.

“Want me to let him know you came by?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I think I’ll go down there and surprise him. We hadn’t planned to meet up till later, but I’m a little early.”

Austin smiled at me. “Okay. Well, have fun. And tell Wrigley I want my damn fake ID back when he gets home.”

All I could do was nod. Wrigley was at a pub with Chris and Livi. Chris, who was one of the most irresponsible guys on the baseball team, and his dumbest friend to date. And Livi, the chick who I despised, and she hated me nearly as much. But he was there with a fake ID and likely drinking. Okay, breath. Everything would be okay. While Wrigley enjoyed a good time just like any other male college student, he wasn’t stupid. There’s no way I’d show up and he would be drunk and doing things that would hurt me.

Hurt us.

I started marching down the sidewalk in the direction of the hole in the wall pub. This place was notorious for serving underage kids drinks. While they were on the radar of the local police for doing so, they claimed every person who ordered a drink was carded and assumed of age. Something wasn’t sitting right in the pit of my stomach. I was convincing myself that it was nothing. Every step I took I said the same thing over and over. You’re just overreacting. Wrigley cares about me and that’s all there is to it. I didn’t even want to entertain the thought of me walking in and seeing Livi’s arms around Wrigley, or even worse, them in a lip lock.

When I got to the front door, there wasn’t even a bouncer there to check ID’s. It was still considered a holiday and most people were just coming back and going straight home and to bed. The building was a dark, wooden brown, and parts were chipping off the sides. There were neon signs that read ‘BudLight’ and ‘Coors’ right above the door. As soon as I stepped in, my nose was assaulted by the pungent smell of old and new cigarette smoke. I thought smoking was illegal in all establishments. I guess this place didn’t care much about anything that was legal. It wasn’t a large place. There were two pool tables in the middle of the room, a dance floor big enough to fit five or six couples in the back, and a bar that spanned the length of the room on the far wall. There was an old Hank Williams Jr song playing over the speakers and very few people mingling about.

My eyes scanned the dim room. It didn’t take long at all to spot them near the dance floor. Chris was nowhere to be seen, and Livi and Wrigley were sitting too close for comfort chatting away about who knows what. Wrigley tipped his head back and drank a beer that was in his hand. He looked like he emptied it. I stepped into the facility further and started making my way back to where they were. Both were had their backs to me and never saw me come in.

“I can’t believe the semester is almost over.” Livi said in an over dramatic fashion.

Wrigley nodded. “Yeah, but I’m ready for it to be over. I want to go home, sleep in my old bed, have my mom’s hot chocolate, and not worry about studying for the next damn test.”

“Sounds nice. I just want the next semester to hurry up and start so I can play softball. Coach has us doing sprints in the gym, and lifting a little but I always get antsy for the season to begin.”

“Exactly.”

Livi eyed Wrigley like he was a prime piece of meat. “So, what’s going on with that girl who’s been hanging around. Hanley or whatever.”

My ears perked up. I took a few more steps closer to listen. “Nothing. She just comes over and hangs out.”

“But she’s there all the time,” her voice whined.

He shrugged. “She’s clingy.”

What? Did I just hear that right? He said I was clingy?

“She really seems like it. I thought you two were together.”

He picked up another beer and chugged it. When he set it down, his finger circled the mouth of it. “No. It was nothing. Just something I was trying out.”

Her lip curled. “Well you spent a whole semester ‘trying her out’.”

“Jealous?”

“Of her? No!”

He couldn’t even muster a grin. I could see his profile when he turned to the side. He looked blank. There was nothing there behind his normally jovial eyes. If she couldn’t see that, then she didn’t know a damn thing about him.

“She wasn’t my type. Too uptight.”

Livi nodded in agreement. “Definitely had a stick up her ass.”

“Look, can we talk about something else? This is making my mood even shittier.”

She gave him a devilish grin. The song had changed to something more upbeat and contemporary. She grabbed his hand and tried pulling him out onto the dance floor. I’d seen and heard just about all I could handle. I didn’t care if she dragged him out so she could dance all over him. I went straight out the door and left Wrigley in the hands of someone else.

“Where’s your bottle of vodka?” I asked, digging through Aurora’s dresser. 

She was watching me skeptically. “It’s in the freezer. What’s going on?” 

I marched to the small freezer and yanked out the bottle of Stoli. I knew it was going to go down rough but there was a little bit of orange juice left in the carton that I could mix it with to make it smoother. Grabbing a glass from our small cabinet, I dumped a tiny bit of juice and filled the rest with alcohol. Bringing to my lips, I was about to take a huge swallow when Aurora stopped me. 

“Hey! What is going on? Talk to me.” 

“Some things never change. I was a fool to think it would but Wrigley will be Wrigley. The popular kids rule, and people like me don’t matter.” I tipped the glass back and took a large gulp. The burn immediately hit the back of my throat and threatened to come back up. It felt like fire as it made its way into my stomach. Jesus, how did people drink this crap? I coughed. 

“Easy killer. I see you’re on a mission, but I’m not understanding.” 

While I appreciated her concern, I wasn’t in the mood to explain anything. I just wanted to be numb. I wanted to feel nothing. I wanted to be the nothing I, apparently, was. I’d never drank before in my life besides one time that I snuck a sip of my dad’s beer when I was seven. I thought my mouth was going to shrivel up with the bitter taste and I swore to never have alcohol again in my life. Well, desperate times called for desperate measures. 

“I overheard him talking to Livi. Some shit will never change.” 

Her brows drew together. “Okay, but why is it leading to all this?” She waved her hand in front of me. “Hadley there are no cool kids in college. Just adults that are shitty and ones who are focused on themselves.”

I pointed my finger at her before I took another gulp. “Not true! This was proven today.” I drank again. “The popular girls win again, and the uncool kids can’t sit at their lunch table.”

“Jesus, you’ve seen Breakfast Club too many times.”

“What club?”

She blinked at me. “The Breakfast Club.” I stared blankly at her. “Wow, okay, I need to introduce you to some pop culture your parents clearly didn’t expose you to.”

What in the ever loving crap was she talking about? I waved my arms in front of her, liquid sloshing in my cup. “Okay, I have no clue what you’re saying, but focus. Wrigley is an asshole. Livi is a bitch. Those two can have each other. I’m washing my hands of it.”

She came to my side and grabbed the neck of the vodka bottle. “Do I need to pour myself a shot, or do I need to keep my senses and go cut a bitch. Because I know it’s serious business when my roommate uses grown up words like bitch and asshole.”

I smiled. “Don’t make me laugh right now. This is not a joking matter.” My eyes stung but I wasn’t sure if the tears were caused by the alcohol or Wrigley. “I heard them talking. I swear it’s like my ears didn’t want to absorb what was being said.”

She became more serious. “What was said?”

I shook my head, the vodka was hitting me hard. My empty stomach was colliding with the strong booze and it was making me dizzy. “He said I wasn’t his type. That we didn’t go to together. That I was plain.” My lip curled at his word to describe me.

“He said that?” she asked, almost as if in disbelief.

“Yeah. Well, most of it.” I picked up the carton of orange juice that was already empty and tipped it upside down. Not a drop came out of it so I frowned. “He might as well have told her I was gross.” The words bubbled up with the bile that was threatening to come up at the same time. Harsh memories of a time I’d rather long forget about slapped me in my cold drunken face. I should’ve known better.

“And he said this to Livi?”

“He was answering her questions. She just couldn’t believe he would have a thing going with me. So she grilled him till he told her the truth I guess.” I sat down at our small breakfast table and downed the rest of my glass. I felt pathetic. “She’s right. Wrigley and I are oil and water. He was trying to shake us till we blended, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Dust would settle and we’d go back to the places we belonged. Not with each other.”

She shook her head, hair flying back and forth. “No way woman. Not tonight, and not because of that fake blonde, needs to be on everyone’s dick, bitch. She doesn’t get to do this to you and neither does he.”

“Well, she did, he did, and it did.”

Aurora looked at me, stunned that I was conceding so easily. “Just like that, you quit? You’re not going to fight for him? I mean, maybe he was just upset because his mom might have talked to him before you did.”

I laughed. “What is there to fight for? Huh? For me to try and prove myself to someone that’s never seen me for me in the first place? What a waste of my time. Whether she had or not, I didn’t deserve that.” My words were beginning to slur. “Let them have their lunch table. I’ll be better than them regardless.”

“You need to eat something to help absorb that alcohol,” she said, trying not to argue with me.

“K.” My lips felt numb. How weird.

I watched as she moved about, making me a sandwich of some sort. When she gave it to me, I paused briefly, looking at it, and wondering if this was going to sit about as well as the alcohol currently in my stomach. I took a bite and it was good.

Aurora sat down next to me and sighed. “You must’ve been really dehydrated or had no food in you. You got drunk fast.”

I took another huge bite of my food. “Neither. I had a burrito before I started drinking. But I stopped at the gas station on the corner just off campus and tried to buy a pack of wine coolers. I figured they’d taste better than this crap.” I pointed to my glass. “When he asked for my ID. I tried lying to him and said I left it at home. I think he’s some sort of Houdini, because he seems to know all the tricks.” Aurora was trying hard to stifle a laugh. “Instead of walking out like a normal person would have, I leaned over the counter and started to tell him my whole pathetic life story. Which surprisingly was a lot shorter than I thought.” I stopped to think about that.

“Oh, honey.” She tucked her lips in to stop her silly grin.

“Anyway, he felt bad for me, or he wanted me out of his store. Either way, he slid a couple of those travel bottles across the counter and said to have one on him, but no driving while drinking them.” I rolled my eyes. “As if I ever would.”

“Wait, you’ve already started drinking? This isn’t your first?”

I snapped my fingers in her face. “That’s what I just said, keep up.”

Shaking her head, she sat back and ran her fingers through her hair. “Oh hell. Okay, what have you had so far?”

“Alcohol.” My words were beginning to sound slurred even to me.

“Okay, but what kind?”

My eyes were trying to focus on her face. “The shitty, small bottle kind. One of them tasted like cinnamon. Burned the crap out of my stomach.”

“Oh Jesus, you drank Fireball. That’s not going to be good coming back up.” Her phone dinged and she picked it up and responded. Bet it was nice to have a boyfriend that wanted you.

I shrugged, not caring. My legs felt like Jell-O and I felt warm all over. Good. I wanted to feel something, anything except how low I’d felt just an hour ago. I wanted to be numb to my emotions, and to my mind. I was still lucid, but the world was slightly foggy. I welcomed the sensation instead of fighting it. Maybe the alcohol would allow for a good night’s sleep instead of busy thoughts. I was so sick of feeling like this.

Not worthy.

“Oh hey! Let’s go dancing!” I exclaimed, nearly falling out of my chair.

“Yeah, not a good idea.”

“Why? We could go bust a move with Wrigley and Livi.”

Her lip curled at Livi’s name. “I would have if you were just buzzed, but man, you went from girl who never strays from the sidewalk to drunken crazy person real quick.”

I scowled. “I’m not crazy.”

“No, you’re not crazy. I meant it more as a euphemism.”

I saw her picking up her phone and blinked, trying to get my eyes to focus. “What arrrre you doing?” A giggle bubbled up my throat. “Dude, I sound just like a lion. A drunk lion.” I swiped my hand in the air. “Rrrroar.”

She was utterly confused by me. I didn’t care. Grabbing the bottle of vodka, I attempted to pour a glass. A little spilled so I closed one of my eyes to try and aim better with the one that was open. “There we go.” It made it into the glass.

“I think you’ve had enough.” Aurora tried to take the bottle but I yanked it back.

“You’re right. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of everything. I’ve had enough of my perfect, little cushy life that my parents created for me. I’ve had enough of people who feel like they are better than me because I didn’t fit in with them.” I hiccupped and flung the bottle in the air. “And I’ve definitely had enough of sexy, hot, asshole guys name Wrigley, who could give two fucks about me and my feelings.” Aurora’s eyes widened and I laughed. “That’s right. I said fuck.” I whispered it this time.

Damn that felt empowering. Word vomit was the best feeling in the world. Screw him and screw everyone else who had always treated me like I was invisible or only worth the time they took to be mean. I should have been spewing this out a long time ago. Who cares if it made me look crazy, it sure made me feel better.

“Tell me how you really feel, Hadley.”

A deep voice sounded behind me and even in my drunken state, I froze. I couldn’t make a single one of my limbs turn me around and face him. Instead, I looked at my friend with an expression of complete betrayal. She, at least, had the decency to look apologetic.

“I’m sorry, baby girl. But you’re drunk, and I think it would be good for you to talk to him.”

“So you picked now to be that time?”

She nodded. “Drunk people are honest people.” She stood from her chair and grabbed her phone and keys from the counter. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” Aurora walked over to Wrigley and I heard her say, “I swear to god, if you leave her, or if you hurt her any more than you already have, I will make sure you are incapable of reproducing.”

If he responded, it was too quiet for me to hear. Why did she do this to me? Drunk people may be honest people, but that didn’t mean I needed to be honest with him. I didn’t want anything to do with him.

“Hadley.” The way he said my name sent a chill down my spine.

I slowly turned to face him completely. It was not a time to back down from him. I needed to stand tall, and deal with this.

“What?”

Okay, seriously, the room was tilting and I didn’t know if I was actually standing straight or leaning, but I reached out to the table to help hold myself up. This wasn’t going to be a fair fight. I wasn’t at full capacity.

He stepped closer to me. I blinked, trying to focus on his face. “What in the hell are you doing completely wasted, and why didn’t you call me when you got home?”

“Are you kidding me?” I shook my head. “Why would I call you?”

He tilted his head. Or at least I think he did. “Because that’s what people do when they come home from a vacation. They speak to the person they are with.”

“You seemed just fine with Livi. Pretty sure you had enough to keep you company. You know, three’s a crowd and all that.”

Wrigley’s lip curled. “Oh, so you did come find me, but you chose not to say anything to me. Hmmm, seems to be a common theme with you.”

I jerked my head back. “What are you talking about? You were the one with Livi tonight, not me.”

“And does that really matter at this point?”

“Yes!” I shouted. “It matters, all of it matters.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because, you chose to sit at a different goddamn table, that’s why.”

He scrubbed his hand up and down his face before he ran his fingers through his unruly hair. “What are you talking about, Hadley? I was at the pub waiting for you to let me know you were home so I could come over. Instead, I get a text from Aurora that you’re shitfaced and upset.”

I laughed, but none of it was funny. “Of course I’m upset. I went to your house to talk and you weren’t there. You were out with her—the bitch who hates me.”

I don’t think I’ve cursed this much in my life let alone in one sitting. I should drink more often. It was therapeutic saying the words.

“I don’t care about Livi. I want to know why you are barely able to hold yourself up right now and why you didn’t let me know you were back at the dorms. Better yet, I want to know why you told my mom that you barely see me when you see me damn near every day. We are a fucking couple.”

And there it was. Donna had spoken to him.

I waved my hand in the air. “Does that even matter right now? You were with another girl, and apparently, I was just trying out to be on the Wrigley Brooks’ team.” I lifted and eyebrow. “I’m not your type.”

I saw acknowledgement set in. He understood that I’d heard what he’d said and why I was upset, but then he quickly masked it and settled on frustration. “This, coming from the girl who won’t accept the fact that we are together. Who can’t even hold a conversation with my mother without lying to her and then me getting a call asking if everything was okay. Seems I’m not the one with the issues here, Hadley. My type wouldn’t hide me in a closet till their parents were gone, or not acknowledge me when I walked past them on a sidewalk.” He sighed and looked down at his feet. “I just don’t get it. I thought this was what you wanted.”

I was overwhelmed by the feeling of alcohol pulsing through my veins, and his words. “It was, but then… god, I don’t know. Why can’t you understand that this is new for me? It’s uncharted water.” I plopped down in the chair that was behind me.

“I don’t understand why the need to lie? Uncharted or not. Why get drunk? Why all of this?” He waved his arm in front of me.

I was so aggravated at everything. It was infuriating how attractive his was right now. I hated that even through my drunken fog I still wanted him to throw me on the table and do bad things to me. I wanted another drink so I couldn’t feel anything. I wanted for all of this to have never happened. I wished I’d never lied. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he still would have gone out with Livi.

“Why were you at the pub with Livi?”

“Hadley.”

“I’m serious, Wrigley. Why were you there with her? Answer me that much and then we can talk about the other crap. This is a big deal for me.”

He spun on his heels and then walked over to my bed to sit down. Ugh, on my bed, where I could push him back and straddle him.

“We weren’t there together. Her and Chris had gone out. I needed out of the house because I was feeling stir crazy, so I left to go shoot some pool. I saw them both there, and Livi glued herself to my side. What was I supposed to do, tell her to get the fuck away?”

“Yes!” I shouted.

He shook his head and glared at me. “No, Hadley. No. I may be an asshole sometimes, but there wasn’t anything going on and if she ever tried, I would have said something to her.” He stood back up and began to pace. “Seriously, this is such bullshit, you know that? Here I am sitting at home, waiting for my girl to come back, and when she finally does, she basically spies on me, then runs off.”

I rolled my eyes. Lord, I shouldn’t have done that it made me dizzy. “I wasn’t spying.”

“So you were eaves dropping?”

“No, I wasn’t doing that either. I just happened to overhear you. And now I know. I know that I was basically a test subject and another girl you can mark off on your bed post. Scored the lame girl from high school. Good for you.” I gave him a slow clap.

“Jesus.” He gave a sinister laugh. “Do you even hear yourself right now? High school happened. Let it the fuck go! We get no do overs. You were who you were, and I was who I was. Stop living in the past and see what’s standing right in front of you. You can’t even hold a fucking adult conversation with me.”

“I am.” I swallowed hard. “Don’t you get that? Are you the one that is blind? We don’t fit, Wrigley. You are the boy I have crushed on my entire life. I never moved on, I never dated someone else, I never let it go no matter how many times I lied to myself and said that I had. It has been you almost all of my eighteen, pathetic years, and now that we took our chance, we don’t fit. Have you ever seen the looks we get? How people look at you, then they see the girl standing by you side holding your hand, and the looks I get? It isn’t equal. I’m not what’s expected for you.”

“And that’s on you.” He dead panned. He marched right up to me and yanked me up into a standing position. My head wobbled and the beer on his breath was delicious. I thought he had been drunk at the pub, but he wasn’t. He must not have had as much as I’d assumed. “You have all these little rules and stigmas in your head that you’ve placed on everyone around you. You talk about not giving things labels, but you’ve labeled every single one of us. I’m sure I’m the jock, Aurora is the ditzy friend, Livi is evil cheerleading queen that hates everyone, and you’re the nerd that nobody wants. Who else, Hadley? Am I missing anyone?” He stepped back from me. “Grow up. Shit’s over, and people don’t survive by labels. I was proud to have you by my side. And those looks you think you were getting, those were looks of envy at us. At what we had.”

Tears were pooling in my eyes. Anger and grief were swirling around me. “Had?”

He shrugged. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it needs a label.”

“I think you should go,” I said to him. I didn’t want to hear any more. Jealousy was running rampant and it was mixing with the booze.

He nodded. “I think you’re right.” He grabbed his coat that I hadn’t realized he’d taken off, and he slammed the door behind him.

I stumbled over to my bed and collapsed face down. Instead of drowning myself in liquor, I drowned in tears. Anger was overflowing and I hated him. I hated myself. I wanted a do over. Not just this Thanksgiving holiday, but the last eighteen years. If I would, I could. Even it if changed the outcome of us. Right now, I wanted to be anywhere but here.