What no one tells you about the real world is that time moves fucking fast.

After accepting an offer from Healthy Kids, Healthy Lives, a non-profit half an hour from the preserve, Kelsey and I bought a decent sized townhouse. We’d spent weekends scouring furniture stores for just the right mix of modern — my style — and hippie chic, obviously her style.

Madeline and Hugo ceded control of the Virginia preserve to Kelsey, and she’d kept Jackson on as her partner. They’d renamed it The Nole Wildlife Preserve. Even though she acted tough, Kelsey had crumbled at the mention of having a real father. She and Jackson were as close as any father and daughter could be, and driving all of their staff crazy with their ridiculous antics and pranks.

And as for my job…I’ve found what I’m supposed to do with my life. The little guys I work with on a daily basis have always been told they’re not good enough, too big, too slow, too whatever. They’ve been beaten down, made to feel useless. Kind of like I had been.

I get to watch their faces light up as we play sports, each child having their own turn to excel. I get to watch as specialists come in and tailor their food to be healthy and satisfying. I get to watch them start to feel more confident in their bodies. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done, and I love my girlfriend even more for stripping just so I could figure out my dream. She sacrifices so much for the team.

Speaking of that girlfriend title, don’t think I haven’t tried to change that. I bought her the most expensive ring I could afford and got down on one knee. You know what that little brat said to me?

“Ew, babe. I’m fat and swollen. Plus, you’re delusional if you think I’m ever obeying you. No, we are not getting married. I quite like calling you my baby daddy.”

She was such a saucy punk. I’d get her to be my wife one day. I think I had a better shot after she had the baby. Because man was she pregnant.

Kelsey was nearing her due date, just two short weeks away, and her stomach was more inflated than one of those giant beach balls kids always snuck into graduation. She could barely walk, just wobbled wherever she needed to get to. Not that I wasn’t waiting on her hand and foot.

I’d convinced her, finally just a week ago, that she needed to stay off of the preserve until after her maternity leave. I was usually tense about her being over there, even when my child wasn’t inside of her. The sheer multitude of animals who could attack her scared the ever loving shit out of me.

It helped that Minka and Chloe had arrived two weeks ago, clucking like mother hens around our condo. They doted on Kelsey, helped to get the entire nursery set up in two days flat, something we hadn’t been able to handle yet.

Owen and Miles flew in when they could over the last couple of months, and stayed with us whenever their teams played in D.C. And we tried to make those games, watching our best friends play in the majors.

Miles, of course, got brought up to the majors in New York about a month after we left to come to Virginia. He was tearing it up, the media was calling him the Rookie of the Year. And if he was the Rookie of the Year, Owen was the league MVP. Owen was racking up more wins for his major league team in California that he would soon break the record for the entire club, let alone a first year starter. Sometimes I missed baseball, but one look around my new life and I had all that I needed.

I find Kelsey in the nursery, rocking in the pastel yellow chair holding her belly while singing John Mayer to the more-than-ample bump.

“Chloe and Minka really went crazy in here, didn’t they?”

I walk over to plant a kiss on her forehead, then her lips, and felt the usual, cock-hardening heart-flipping sensation that took over my entire body every time I came within 10 feet of her.

“Well, at least we know our daughter will never go unspoiled.”

I tickle her side. “Or our son. Don’t play that game with me, Roo.”

“Don’t you think I’m actually Kanga now?”

I looked at her petite frame sitting in the rocker, her slim arms and legs jutting out from her big belly. She was still just as small, a fireball of energy, as the first time I met her. “Definitely not, babe.”

Turning my attention to the room while I keep my hand in hers, I can see she and the girls have been busy. They’ve done the room in greens and yellows, matching our attitude on not finding out the sex before Kelsey gives birth. Because of course, why would the self-proclaimed gypsy miss out on life’s ultimate surprise?

But the real theme of this room is wildlife. The walls are adorned with hand-painted scenes of the African jungle. Stuffed polar bears, hippopotamuses, giraffes and dolphins are piled in the corner. A tiger mobile hangs above the crib. The one that I put together because I’d insisted on being the best father ever. I’d only had to redo it three times after screwing the wrong parts together.

“God my back hurts.” Kelsey moans while readjusting in the chair.

I move to lift her up, my arms all but carrying her up. “Come on, baby, let’s get you to bed.”

I feel so helpless these days, but in a good way. Because for as uncomfortable as she is, I know we are that much closer to seeing our baby.

We’re halfway through the hallway, laughing about the sad state of Kelsey’s walking, when I hear what sounds like a bucket of water being dumped on the floor. She stops dead, her arms going tense where I’m holding them under her armpits.

My heart goes into overdrive thinking she’s hurt. It’s hard to keep my voice neutral. “Babe, what’s wrong?!”

Kelsey looks over her shoulder, that wild hair brushing my chin. “I think my water just broke…”

“What?!” I can’t have heard her right. We still have two weeks. We aren’t ready! I haven’t even finished the last chapter in “So You’re Going to Be a Dad.”

“Uh…yeah.” Kelsey seems in a daze, and I know I need to step up. This is my moment. I have to take care of my girl, and my baby is on its way.

Snapping into crisis mode, I call Chloe and Minka, who are staying at a nearby hotel. After a rushed, excited and frantic phone conversation, it’s decided they’ll meet us at the hospital.

After laying Kelsey down in the tub, where she insists on washing herself before we leave because “I’m not going anywhere with wet pants on,” I run around our bedroom like a chicken with my head cut off. I throw things into a suitcase, not sure if they’re suitable for this experience or not. I pack like we’ll be there for a week, when in all honesty I could always send Minka or Chloe to come get anything I forgot.

I usher Kelsey out of the house as she practices the labor breathing we did in Lamaze. To say that we became the class clowns is an understatement. It’s a miracle we even learned anything. Then again, neither of us was very good at school. Here’s to hoping Baby Bellows inherited his Aunt Minka’s smarts.

A pile of paperwork, wheelchairs and hospital gowns later we’re in the delivery room. And I hate it. Kelsey is screaming her head off, refusing the pain medications because she’s my fearless, lionhearted, take-no-shit spitfire. But no pain meds means she’s screaming her beautiful little head off in excruciation. I wish there was technology to transfer that pain to me, let me take it.

I can’t stand to see her body being ripped apart, but I stand behind her, letting her squeeze my hand until it feels like it might fall off.

“You can do this, baby. You’re doing so well.” I kiss her sweaty forehead and thank god for giving me a dick.

Kelsey just makes an unintelligible grunt, screaming and moaning while also trying to focus on her breathing.

Six hours in and my girl is holding strong, refusing any kind of drugs and giving the doctor a death glare anytime she utters the words “C-section.” But she’s not dilating enough. The doctors are worried it will put the baby in distress, and I will do anything to make sure she and the baby are safe.

“No, I can do this. It’s what my body was made for. I’m doing this the natural way.” Kelsey keeps pleading with them, me, and anyone who will listen.

“Okay listen, Kels. We’re going to try and push a little more. But if you can’t get the baby out now, we are going to have to take you in for surgery.” Her Obtalks slowly and steadily, making it a firm offer that Kelsey won’t go back on.

“Okay, okay.” Kelsey is sweating, tears streaming down her face and her slim limbs tense in pain. But she’s never looked more beautiful. I’m in awe of her, how perfect and strong she is.

I prepare myself, readjusting my stance and taking both of Kelsey’s hands in mine. This could be it. We could meet our little guy right now.

“Push!” The doctor instructs her.

Kelsey gives a blood curdling scream and tenses her entire tiny body, putting all of her focus on pushing the bowling ball size person out.

The doctor tells her to breathe, and then push again. Kelsey gives a tiny groan and then goes silent, holding her breath while she tries to force the baby out.

On the third push, the doctor gets excited. “Okay, I see the head, you are almost there! One more big push for me Kelsey!”

Kelsey looks up at me, her hazel eyes exhausted, happy and dazed. And then she’s pushing, and I hear the wails of our baby for the first time.

We’re both crying as the bundle up the baby and hand it to us.

“Congratulations, you have a little girl!”

The whole world falls away. I see Kelsey, holding our perfect baby girl, and there is nothing more important in this universe than them now. All of the other problems fall away, my aches and pains, any conflicts. We have a daughter, and she is healthy and beautiful. I’m already in love, itching to steal her out of my girl’s arms and keep her cradled in mine for the rest of her life.

“I know it’s not a boy…” Kelsey looks up at me, tears in her eyes as she kisses the baby’s forehead.

“Shush. Who wanted a boy anyway? Not me. We have a perfect, amazing little girl.”

She hands me the little bundle, and I’m mesmerized by the tiny face that peeks up at me, her eyes the same cinnamon color as her mothers. And I know, in this moment, that life will never be the same.

But, if our girl is anything like Kelsey, at least it will never be boring.