Lotty was exhausted. Nights didn’t bring much rest now that she spent them worrying. Her mind was tired from spending days questioning everyone’s motives. Which of her acquaintances, or even friends, was stabbing her in the back? Who did she know she could trust?

She stared at everyone she passed as she drove to the gym in her minivan, which she’d been reunited with on Friday. It was returned to them without any signs of wear or tear, which only baffled her more as to why it was taken. She parked on the far side of the lot since there were no closer spots. Ty was giggling in the back seat. Lotty smiled at her sweet boy. His adorable dimples were prominent when he laughed. She followed his cheerful gaze to Aiden and gasped. His fingers were covered in some sort of tan goo, his face smothered in chocolate. Oats were stuck in his hair. There were chunks of something all over his shirt and even on his belly. The inside of the window was covered in streaks of chocolate similar to the streaks up and down his arms. 

“Ty, where did he get that?”

“There was half a g’nola bar on the floor so I gave it to him.”

That was only half? How could he make such a mess from a measly half of a granola bar? Lotty’s stomach churned as she wondered where the granola came from. They didn’t have any with chocolate and the van had been missing for several days. That was someone else’s half-eaten granola bar. Someone who had a low enough benchmark of standards to steal her car. She wondered what that meant about their standards of hygiene. Ugh. She took the remaining chunks of the bar and Aiden screamed. The wipe container was at the top of her purse, but only two wipes remained. 

Lotty used those two as best she could and cleaned his hands, arms, and some of his face. She licked her thumb and tried to wipe more off his face, but smeared it worse. Maybe the gym was a bad idea. She could go home, give Aiden a bath, and no one would need to see how awful a mother she was. But, she skipped the gym yesterday because Jason was home and on Friday because she was waiting on the van. She had to quit finding excuses to not go to the gym, to be in control of something in her life. Aiden would have to go as he was.

As she unbuckled Aiden, she couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. She turned around and scanned the parking lot. Nothing. She slid Aiden onto her hip and grabbed Ty’s hand. As they marched toward the gym, Lotty tried to stand up straight and look confident.

“Mom, I’m cold,” Ty said.

“We’re almost to the childcare area, Ty. I’ll get you your sweatshirt when we get there.”

“But I’m super-duper, really cold.”

“Okay, your sweatshirt is in my bag.” She handed him the gym bag as Aiden realized where they were and started kicking and flailing. His head smacked Lotty’s and his screams intensified. Her shoulders drooped and she forgot about trying to look confident. She tightened her hold on Aiden. Desperate for him to calm down so they could get inside the gym, she reached into her purse for her emergency pack of fruit snacks, busted it open, and handed him a few.

“Mom, what’s this?” Ty called from where he was standing in the middle of the lobby, his hands pulling something white out of the bag.

She gasped as realization hit. “No, Ty, don’t.” Too late. He had ahold of her bra and was waving it around for the world to see. To make it worse, it was frayed and gray from wear. If only it could be a nice silky, red or lacey, black bra, but she didn’t have one of those that fit since nursing. Nope, she had her comfy, as un-sexy as you can get, discolored bras.

He stuck one cup on the top of his head and looked at her with a smile. “What is it?” He cocked his head to one side as he asked the question and her bra hit the floor. As heat flooded her face and the two men at the front desk tried to avoid eye contact, she set Aiden down, and jammed her bra back into her bag, getting Ty’s sweatshirt out instead.

She held it out to him. He shrugged. “Nah, it’s pretty hot in here now.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Lotty mumbled.

She turned back around to pick up Aiden. He’d dropped his spit-covered fruit snacks on the floor and was in the process of picking them up to put back in his mouth. She had an internal debate about whether she should rush over to stop him or to let him eat them and keep him happy. He’d already eaten a nasty granola bar that was probably covered in hepatitis or something and that was far worse than whatever was on the floor. Luckily, she was saved from having to make a decision when Nikki showed up and grabbed Aiden. 

“Hey, Aiden,” she cooed, distracting him from the fruit snacks while Lotty collected the sticky pieces. “Are you giving your Mommy a hard time today?”

“Icky, Icky, Icky,” he shouted his nickname for Nikki while clapping his hands. She bounced him on her hip and walked him over to the glass door by the pool, where he stared intently at the water. Lotty zipped her bag and held Ty’s hand.

“Thanks, Nik,” Lotty said as she joined Nikki next to the door to the pool. “I should never leave the house. I don’t know how women do this.”

“Some days are just tough, Lotty.”

“Some years are tough,” Lotty replied.

“I know. But that’s why you joined the gym. This will help you feel better, give you some time to focus on you. Let’s drop these two off and you can take a deep breath.” She wrapped her free arm around Lotty. “This too shall pass,” she said her favorite adage with an understanding smile.

They dropped the boys off and Lotty could hear Aiden screaming as she walked down the hall. She hesitated a moment, wondering why she was doing this. It didn’t feel right. “He always settles down within a minute or two,” Nikki reminded her.

Lotty nodded and kept moving. When they got to the base of the stairs that led to the cardio equipment and weights, Jocelyn met them. Her shiny, brown hair was pulled back into a long, curly ponytail. Her multicolored leggings and fluorescent pink tank top accentuated her lean body and her tan skin glistened with the perfect amount of sweat to give her that I’m-ready-for-a-Bowflex-commercial look.

She reached for Lotty and pulled a fruit snack off the sleeve of her shirt. Lotty grimaced and scanned her shirt to see what other treasures she might find. There was a large, brown spot on her shoulder (most likely chocolate drool) and a ring of sweat around her collar. She hadn’t even made it to the actual workout equipment yet and she’d already worked up a sweat. 

Jocelyn grinned and hugged Lotty. “We’ve all been there,” she whispered. “It gets easier.” Lotty hugged her back. Jocelyn was perpetually optimistic and always had something nice to say about everyone. This woman had raised her seven-year-old daughter by herself and had just lost her home to a fire, but she was consoling Lotty over a dirty shirt.

“Are you already finished working out?” Nikki asked, giving Jocelyn the once over.

“Yeah. All I do on Tuesdays is cardio so today it was just a little run.”

“And by little run, you mean...?” Lotty asked.

Jocelyn grinned, but didn’t respond.

“She means she ran seven or eight miles,” Nikki filled in for her. “Because running is fun and increases her endorphins,” she finished, quoting Jocelyn’s usual defense of running.

Jocelyn shook her head and smiled. “I was headed to the café to grab a drink, but I’ll workout with you two for a bit and then we could all go to the café together.”

Nikki nodded and looked at Lotty.

“I like the café part,” Lotty said. “It’s the workout part I’m not too sure about.”

Jocelyn smiled and elbowed Lotty before jogging back up the stairs. Lotty groaned. Nikki looped her arm through Lotty’s and pulled her up the stairs.

“Have either of you ever done the stairmill?” Jocelyn asked. “It’s one of my favorites.”

“Does it involve running?” Lotty asked. Jocelyn shook her head. “Alright, show us how it works.”

Jocelyn hopped onto a machine that looked like a torture contraption disguised as a tiny escalator. She began climbing, but going nowhere. Lotty and Nikki got on machines of their own as Jocelyn explained what buttons to hit to begin. Jocelyn trotted up her moving stairs with ease. Lotty stared at her feet, afraid if she took her eyes off of them for a moment, she’d miss a step and go flying off. Though her feet felt a bit like concrete as she repeatedly lifted them, she was able to put one foot in front of the other and climb the never-ending steps. 

Channeling her inner mountain-goat, she could feel the cold Nepal air hit her face as she climbed Mera Peak. The terrain was treacherous, but this was what she’d trained for. With an ice pick in one hand...

Nope, even visualizing herself in the beautiful Himalayas wasn’t helping.

“See Lotty, I knew you’d be good at this,” Jocelyn said. “You look great.”

Lotty took her eyes off her feet long enough to look at Jocelyn and offer a weak smile. She leaned on the handles for support and kept climbing. “This feels...exactly...like my life,” Lotty panted. “I’m not...getting...anywhere.” Lotty pushed the down arrow to slow her torture device. “Why do we put ourselves through this? We work and work and we’re still in the exact same spot when we’re done.”

“Yeah, but you feel accomplished,” Jocelyn said. She pointed at the numbers on Lotty’s machine. “Look, you’ve already done twenty-nine flights of stairs. The Sydney Opera House is only as tall as twenty-eight flights and Big Ben is forty-two. You’re almost there.”

“How do you know that?” Nikki asked.

“I do the stairmill a lot. I’ve looked up every famous building or structure I can think of and checked its equivalent in flights of stairs.”

“Okay, I can make it up Big Ben,” Lotty said. She kept climbing until Jocelyn slapped her back. “There, you did it. Forty-two flights. See, doesn’t that feel good?”

“Mmm, maybe a little bit,” Lotty agreed. She did feel good. She’d actually finished something. Even if it was small, it was a start. 

“Now for something to drink at the café, right?” Nikki asked. Jocelyn and Lotty agreed and they headed down the stairs and into the café. 

Jocelyn ordered a protein shake. Lotty opted for a green smoothie and Nikki did the same. The three snagged the corner booth as soon as two older men discussing colonoscopies vacated it.

“What do you think of living in a hotel?” Lotty asked. Jocelyn and her daughter were there temporarily while they waited on a settlement from the insurance company. 

Jocelyn shrugged. “Katie loves the pool.” She smiled. “I am excited to figure out what we’re doing next, though.”

“Like when you can start rebuilding, or what?” Nikki asked.

“Well, maybe.” Jocelyn hesitated and took a sip of her drink. “Or maybe moving to a different neighborhood.” Nikki and Lotty stared at her, wide-eyed. “I mean, it’s been a little crazy in the cove lately. Kinda scary.” They held their stares until Jocelyn looked away.

Nikki shook her head. “You sound like Brent. He’s convinced we need to list our house now before the value of our home plummets. He says all of this crime is going to scare people away from Strawberry Lake Estates.”

“All of this crime?” Lotty asked. “Hardly.” She tried to appear unfazed by the recent problems in the neighborhood. She couldn’t stand the thought of Jocelyn being scared into building somewhere else. 

“Oh, I agree with you, but it is making people nervous.”

“It’s making me nervous,” said Jocelyn. “I already lost my home. What’s next?”

Lotty wanted to say it would all blow over, that she was sure someone was just trying to stir up a little excitement in Walden, but she thought again of the threatening words on her wall and the constant feeling of being watched. She set her hand on Jocelyn’s.

Jocelyn smiled. “And it’s not just that. I mean, it would be nice to buy a house now and be able to move right in, ya know? Not have to wait for it to be built.”

Lotty nodded. “Yeah, I guess, but I for one really hope you stick around.” She smiled and took a sip of her green smoothie. Her gag reflexes kicked in and wouldn’t allow her to swallow the horrid concoction. It sat in her mouth, her taste buds protesting while her throat constricted. It reminded her of the rotting algae that collected along the shores of Strawberry Lake some summers. She was certain if she were to taste that algae, it would be exactly like the decaying mixture stuck in her mouth. There was a pile of napkins on the table behind her, so she grabbed several and spit her smoothie into them. Though she was certain her attempts to remain inconspicuous were futile, the coughing spasm that gripped her throat made sure she was the main spectacle of the café. She gasped for air and wiped her watery eyes with the napkins.

Nikki grabbed her a glass of water and Jocelyn got more napkins. When the coughing finally subsided and her audience had gone back to eating, she started laughing.

“First green smoothie?” Jocelyn asked.

“First one that tasted like dead animals.”

“I should have warned you,” Jocelyn said as she grabbed the smoothie and took a sip. “They don’t use much in the way of sweeteners here, try to keep it natural. Plus, there’s spirulina in there, which is pretty strong.”

“I don’t mind it,” said Nikki.

Lotty sighed. “Maybe I wouldn’t mind it if they had some whipped cream to put on the top.”

Jocelyn shook her head. “Not here.” She finished off her protein drink. “Maybe some stevia or pure maple syrup.” Lotty finished the glass of water Nikki had brought her and Jocelyn continued. “Are you feeling any better this week?”

Lotty shrugged. “Maybe?”

Nikki raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know,” Lotty continued. “I’m lost. It’s like I’m drifting through life instead of living it. I feel like I have no control over anything.” It felt funny voicing her problems in the gym café. She lowered her voice. “I can’t control what’s going on in the neighborhood. I can’t control how Jason feels about me.”

Jocelyn nodded. “So, focus on what you can control.”

“Okay...”

“You need to find something you truly love, something you’re passionate about.”

“My kids?” Lotty offered.

“No,” Jocelyn and Nikki said in unison.

“We know you love your kids, Lotty, but what Jocelyn is saying is you need some time every day for just you, where you can feel like yourself again, not Ty and Aiden’s mom, not Jason’s wife, but you. If you can find a hobby that excites you, you might find yourself feeling more and more alive.”

Lotty considered it. A hobby. “Like what?”

“Anything. Like I love working out.”

“Yeah,” Lotty began. “I come to the gym to sit in the café. I don’t love working out.”

“How about blogging?” Nikki suggested.

“Mmm, no,” Lotty said. “I tried that, but it wasn’t really my thing.”

“You could always try Trinity’s hobby,” Nikki suggested. “Hitting on everyone’s husband except your own.”

Lotty laughed. “You might be on to something.”

“You’ll have to be the one to figure out what you like,” Jocelyn said. “But I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” She smiled and then repeated the quote she’d had on her refrigerator for years. “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

Lotty stirred the ice in her water with her straw. All this talk focused on her and what she needed to do to be happy was making her uncomfortable. “You know what’s really distressing me?” Lotty asked. “My missing DVR. AT&T said they sent me a new one, but I still haven’t gotten it and I hate watching shows in real time.”

Jocelyn rolled her eyes and smiled. “Yes, that’s truly distressing. Maybe we can all get together on Saturday and watch the shows on Nikki’s DVR since hers is fine.”

“There. I feel better already,” Lotty said.

“Ms. Brooks?” A lady wearing the gym’s signature blue polo stood next to the booth. “We need you in the childcare area. Your son has a dirty diaper.”

“Oh, thanks,” Lotty said. The lady left and Lotty sighed. “Speaking of distress, I’m out of wipes. I used the last ones on Aiden’s chocolate-covered face before we came inside. I guess I’m headed home now.” Lotty grinned and gathered her stuff. “Bye, girls.”

“Bye,” Nikki said.

“Find a hobby,” Jocelyn called after her.

Lotty waved her off without looking back, but in her mind she was slowly repeating “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Time to do something new.