Chapter Fifteen

Aidan

San Diego two months ago . . .

THERE HAD TO BE a point in falling in love. A lesson learned. Something to be gained by feeling this pain. The address was crumpled in my pants pocket. I’d already memorized it, I kept it because it’s in her handwriting. It’s how I’m hanging on to the impossible. I vomited in Magnolia’s front yard before making my way to the airport to head here. The scenario plays over and over anytime I close my eyes. I haven’t slept. I’m barely eating. Not only won’t Magnolia pick up my calls, I know she never will. Not after seeing the strength of a mother-daughter bond for myself. That is sacred. An outsider is what I’d always be.

I finished all of my medical tests at noon. Before I knew what I was doing, or why, I ended up parked in front of their house—in a nondescript middle class neighborhood. It’s the kind of neighborhood bad guys hide in. The kind so plain and unappealing new people rarely move in and residents never move away. It’s a prison. An illusion of security with a hard edge that only I can feel.

There are no cars in the driveway, but I know my father always parks his vehicles inside the garage. A fact I doubt time changed. I get out of my rental car and survey the area with a keen eye. I wait, but the dread doesn’t come like I assumed it would. A sense of relief washes over me and I hate that she’s right. That she’s won another piece of me I’ll never get back. I need this. Pacing slowly, I don’t think about what I’ll say if they’re home, only seeing them, letting them see me. A whole, self-made man. Sure, I’ve arrived today as a man who has nothing to lose, but this journey began on completely different terms—back before I lost everything.

I can be a man worthy. Magnolia showed me that. It has to be the takeaway. There’s no other logic I can wrap my brain around when I think about the time we spent together and what she taught me. I ring the doorbell once and wait. She opens it, and I see the second her confusion turns to sorrow—regret. The years have been kind to her, the lines on her face deeper than they were when I was a child. Her hair is gray and the frown lines around her mouth are deep and telling. Happiness never lived inside her.

“Aidan, son, is that you? Oh my gosh, get in this house right now and give your mama a hug,” she croons, voice creaky from disuse.

I laugh. “You want a hug?” I choke out. “You want a hug,” I repeat, shaking my head, motherfucking tears already threatening. “Is he home?” I ask.

She looks down at her feet and shakes her head. “He died, son. Five years ago.”

I try to swallow, but it’s lodged in my throat, along with my breath. I hold it in for several more seconds before I blow it out, rough and noisily. “Jesus,” I whisper, as my legs give out. I sit right there on the cement in front of the door and put my face in my hands.

She leans over and puts a hand on my back. I jerk away. “I tried to get in touch with you, but the Navy wouldn’t give me the information. I’m sorry, son.” Every time she calls me son, my skin prickles. There’s a reason they wouldn’t give her the information. I told them not to. “He was so proud of what you made of yourself, Aidan. You should know that. Every single day he prayed for your safety. Prayed you’d find your way home to us so that he could shake your hand. You did it.” Emotion floods her voice and it’s the last straw. A traitorous tear slides against the palm pressed to my face.

I’m not angry. I’m not confused. I’m furious with sadness. “I did do it,” I say, looking up at her. The same position I was in my entire childhood. “All by myself,” I call, shaking my head. “Not because of anything he did. Because of the man I made myself.”

Her eyes glaze over. “I know we were awful parents. I know, son. We weren’t sure how to make sure you grew up successfully. We didn’t know. I’m sorry. Your father was sorry. But look,” she says, tears streaming down her face. “You are a hero. A strong, brave hero.”

“Not because of you,” I deadpan. “Despite you. You guys were fucked up. Think how strong and brave I’d be if you actually loved me.”

“Is that what you think? That I didn’t love you?” she asks, letting the door close and sitting down in front of me so I have to meet her sad gaze.

“You let him beat me. For no reason at all. What made you think that was okay? That’s not love,” I growl. “And the reason I know that is because I tasted pure love for the first time and I know exactly what it is. It’s why I’m here. Why I came to show you that I’m a person worthy of being loved. I am a hero but not for the obvious reasons. You know why? Because I survived you.”

She covers her mouth with a weathered hand as her eyes crinkle in pain. “Son,” she sobs.

I continue on. “I survived you and I soldiered on. I got a little mixed up, and sometimes I did horrible things to people because I had to learn how to treat people I care about the hard way. No one ever cared about me. How the fuck was I supposed to know how to have a relationship? My sole role models for a family unit were completely neglectful and abusive. I succeeded in my career and everything else around me crumbled. Then I met her. It was a revelation. A goddamn stroke of luck.” I think of Magnolia and my chest aches. “I fucked it up, because what choice did I have? A man like me doesn’t deserve that kind of love, right? Fuck me.”

“That’s not true and you know it. If that woman loves you like you love her then choices aren’t a factor. There is no choice to be made. Love forgives, Aidan. Weak men blame their pasts for their mistakes. Nobody is perfect.”

I sigh a haggard breath. “I’m not blaming you. I just want to know why you never tried to save me.”

“You didn’t need saving. You were a strong boy.”

I bark a laugh. “I was a child.”

“I was wrong,” she says, taking my hand in hers. I can’t find it in me to pull away. “Your father and I were both wrong. I’m so sorry you endured a less than ideal childhood. I loved you. I love you still. When you have a child, you’ll understand what that kind of love feels like. The balance is hard. Forming an adult while loving a child. I wasn’t tender enough. You deserved more from me and I failed you.” She sucks in a breath that seems strong enough to rattle her rib cage. “He beat me too. Your rather beat me too. That was my normal. Our normal.”

I stay quiet. I never expected this conversation. An apology. My whole adult life was formed because of miscommunication, rather, the thought that I was strong so I didn’t need culpable love in physical form. Their way of loving me was their own. Can I respect that while disagreeing completely? Her hand squeezes my own, a reminder that he’s gone and she’s here. A mother hoping to reconnect with a son. I’d give anything for another chance with Magnolia. To be in her proximity. To feel her lips against mine. If her love would be mine again, I’d be able to face this. Alone? I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I run a hand through my hair. “I’ll leave you my phone number. I’m living in Florida now. A small town called Bronze Bay. I’m heading back there in a few days after I finish up some testing here.” I stand, helping her up as I go, grabbing her other hand. I see the frailty then, the way she wobbles without me as leverage. “You live here by yourself?”
“A nurse comes to check in once a week, but I’m used to it. Since your father died, I’ve found peace in being alone. No one to worry about except myself.” She rubs her neck as she speaks, the loneliness creeping into her tone. “I don’t want to talk about myself. Tell me about you. Tell me everything. If this is my one chance to see you, I’m taking it. Give me everything you can. All the good and the bad.” She holds open the screen door and her arm shakes a bit.

Something cracks, a weakness in my armor. This isn’t what I planned on, but I know without a doubt it’s what Magnolia hoped would happen. I swallow hard and sigh, reaching out to hold the door for her I say, “Okay, Mom.”

She turns back, beaming. I return the smile. I can’t mete out forgiveness to my father, but perhaps my mother is deserving.

_______________

I deleted the dating apps off my phone the night after I returned from San Diego and tried to talk to Magnolia at her shop. She ordered me out without even considering my truth. It’s what I expected. What I didn’t expect was to feel so downtrodden because of it. No one tells you how awful a breakup is. What confuses me is how quickly the person you love the most in the world turns into a complete stranger in a short amount of time. I see her from a distance when she’s closing the store and it’s as if I’m watching a person I don’t know. The Magnolia Sager that came after we ended. Another human.

Leo has been making my life a living hell since the breakup. Taunting some pseudo relationship/friendship with Kendall over my head. Others swear to me he hasn’t touched her, but my anger refuses to accept that. She’s a kid. And she’s mine. I’ve broken his nose once, given him two black eyes and threatened to end his life if they didn’t ship his ass to Cape Cod as soon as humanly possible. His orders are in and he’s leaving next month so I’ve backed off, but I still keep tabs on the fucker for Magnolia’s sake. I’m responsible for Leo being in their world to begin with. I recall the conversation on the beach when I told him that Magnolia was off limits. Why would I think to add Kendall into that spoken order? Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would move in this, sneaky, desperate way. He hasn’t done anything illegal, so no actions can be taken. Being friends with a teenager isn’t a crime, especially when you are a teenager yourself. It’s hard when two years’ difference is close to nothing once you’re in an adult relationship. I don’t want to accept that intellect now. Not when it affects me and those I love.

I brush my sweaty hair off my face and mop it with my t-shirt. The gym is empty and I’m thankful I don’t need to make small talk with anyone. Tonight we have a mandatory fundraiser for the local school district. We have to be there, and I’d rather be anywhere else besides in a room with Leo, but I was told there isn’t an option. Sighing, I hit the showers and put on my dress uniform. I fix my hair, leave the office and put my cover on. It’s a short walk to Town Hall and it’s already buzzing with people. I see my brothers right away and make sure Leo isn’t in sight before approaching the group.

Mercer slaps my shoulder. “Got that extra workout in, bro?”

I nod. “Three times today.” I’m not fucking so I need the adrenaline release and endorphins working out gives me. Bonus points because it clears my mind and it’s the only time, all day, that happens.

He cups my arm. “Your muscles are even more perfect than they were before. I want to hump them.”

I push him away, shaking my head. “Is the fucker here?”

“Oh, he’s here, but he’s staying out of the way. He knows he’s not welcome in the crew. It’s so fucked up what he did to you, man. We all agree.” Mercer shoves a beer into my hand. “Oh, there was someone looking for you though.” His pink cheeks tell me he’s been drinking for quite a while already, and his grin is mischievous.

My heart skips. “Magnolia is here?” My voice changes when I say her name and he catches it.

“No, no, man. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get your hopes up.”

The elation quickly turns to dread as I sip the beer. I need to stop that. Getting all bent dicked over Magnolia when she clearly wants nothing to do with me. “Polly was looking for you. Heard you were single again,” Mercer explains, glancing away so he doesn’t have to witness my pain.

“Wonder who she heard that from,” I deadpan, scanning the crowd for my nemesis. “That kid is trying to fuck me over constantly. I never did anything to piss him off.”

Mercer clears his throat. “He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t need a reason.”

I brush a piece of lint off my jacket. “Where is Polly?”

Mercer’s drunk smile appears again. “Atta boy. Get back in the saddle. She was in the foyer looking for her table number when I last saw her. Wearing some weird flowery dress or some shit. It’s short.”

I clap him on the back and excuse myself. I take off my cover when I enter the building and look at the main desk where table numbers are being issued. Polly isn’t there. Magnolia and Jenny are walking away, toward the bar. I trip over my own feet and have to steady myself on the door frame. She’s so beautiful—the low lights falling on her bare shoulders like an invitation. I’d give anything to kiss them again. She saunters with confidence as she talks to the bartender. My brothers filter in and move toward two tables in the center of the dining room.

I move away from them, heading toward the sign for the restrooms. It’s a hallway I can hide in for a second. While my mind flits through all of the possible outcomes of me saying hello, Leo rounds the corner. He winks at me when he enters the restroom. I follow him in.

“You need to fucking watch yourself, Leo. You’re playing with fire. You might be getting transferred, but you’re pissing off a lot of people. That’s not good for business. You’re new to the teams so let me be the one to say, you are only one indiscretion away from being fired completely.” I mean it to sound like a threat. I am his senior, but he knows enough that I alone would be hard pressed to have him fired without solid, indisputable evidence.

He pisses into the urinal, and tilts his head back, eyes closed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t touched Kendall. We’re just friends.”

“Bullshit,” I scoff.

“Stay the fuck away from them. This isn’t a game. This is their life.”

He zips his fly, and readjusts his cock. “Not a game? Life is a game, brother. Have a good night.” He winks at me as he leaves and I’m left holding fury and jealousy. I slide down the filthy wall until my ass hits the ground. I don’t know how long I stay in here trying to come up with a plan that will backfire on Leo and expose the truth, but I snap directly out of it when Polly slides into the men’s room and flattens her back against the door.

“He said you wanted me to meet you in here?” Polly whispers. “Is that true?” I don’t know if it was Mercer, who was trying to do a good thing, or Leo who is trying to set me up, but in this moment I don’t have any fucks left to give. I stand up.

She stalks toward me, her ass hanging out of the cheap dress she poured herself into. When she’s in front of me, I take her hands in mine. “Listen,” I say, swallowing hard, “Polly, I want to apologize for being an asshole.”

Her face changes and her head tilts to the side in confusion. “I forgive you,” she mumbles.

“I was a bad man.” I sigh. “I did a lot of bad things to people who didn’t deserve it. I’m trying to be better now.” I lean over and kiss her cheek just as Magnolia blows in the door.

“Oh my God, this chick again?” Polly hisses. “She has a radar on you or something! I thought you were finished with her. That’s what you said.”

“I never said that,” I clap back, gently moving Polly out of the way. “Magnolia,” I plead. “Please, talk to me. Please.”

She nods. “I don’t care that you’re in here fucking Polly, Aidan. Trust me. They told me this is where you’d be.” Magnolia glances at Polly and back to me. “I’m resigned to the fact that you will always be the same.”

“He’s not fucking me,” Polly says, folding her arms across her chest and yanking on her hem. Magnolia’s gaze darts to the dress.

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah. Sure. We both know Aidan Mixx is a skirt chaser and yours looks just his style.”

I clear my throat. “I’m not fucking Polly.” I enunciate each word.

Magnolia holds her palms up, shaking her head. “I need you to tell me everything about Leo. Right this second.”

“Why? What happened?” I ask, taking a step toward her. She’s so fucking beautiful I can’t help myself. I’m drawn to her. My skin prickles with awareness. Polly huffs out a string of curse words and leaves us. Magnolia locks the door and my dick jerks. It’s still on love autopilot—doesn’t know that’s not what a locked door means anymore.

“Is he with Kendall?” Magnolia asks, biting her lip to control the quivering. “He is so young. I should have known.”

I put my hands in my pockets and look at the floor. Her pain isn’t something I’m prepared to deal with tonight. Not again. Not ever again. Not at my expense at the very least. “I’ve been keeping tabs, and everyone says he’s not with her. Like that. But I don’t know for sure. I’m sorry. Other than him focusing on ways to ruin my life, I don’t know anything else.”

Her breathing turns ragged and she cries out. My feet react before my brain determines the right course of action and she’s folded in my arms sobbing into my chest in the next second. “He said he likes them young. Says you all like them young. Kendall was looking at him,” she says, hiccupping, “Like she knows him. Really knows him, Aidan. I don’t know what to do.”

“I already did all that needs to be done, Magnolia. He’s being sent to the Cape Cod base in less than a month. Until then I’ll be on him like white on rice. He won’t get near her. I promise you, okay? I’m handling this.”

“Why are you being so kind to me?” she whispers. Pressing a kiss against her head, I inhale her scent like a dying man’s last breath. I don’t care if she realizes I’m taking her in like oxygen. It’s a desire so strong I don’t have control over it. I need a fix.

She pulls away and her glassy blue eyes are so stunning I have to close my own to compose myself. Being this close to her without having permission to have all of her is a brand of torture even I wouldn’t condone. “Magnolia. It was the truth. Everything I said before. It wasn’t some twisted lie to get you back. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t change anything because Kendall has to come first. I understand. Maybe someday in the future when Kendall is ready to reveal the whole story, we can make something again. I’ll wait for you, but I can’t be the bad guy stuck between you two. Not when the only person I want to be for you and her is the good guy. The hero. The one who saves you. I’d never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. Leo is a bad kid who has infiltrated a battlefield he had no right to fight in.”

She wipes underneath her eyes to clear the watery black tears. “I need to talk to her. We need to talk to her, Aidan. I’m not promising anything because as much as I love you, I have to love her more.” The reason I love her is part of the reason I may never have her again.

“But you love me,” I say, smirking a bit at the words dancing in my head. She still loves me. “I’ve gotta grasp onto something.”

She shakes her head sadly. “I’m going to talk to Kendall and bring her to the shop to show her the window display tonight. Meet me at Magnolia’s Steals in a few hours. With you there, she might open up. Maybe she’ll be forced to tell the truth.” I can hear the heartbreak in her voice and I don’t want to know what that battle feels like. The love for a man versus the love for her child.

“And yes,” she says, interrupting my thoughts. “Of course I love you. Even if you bang bimbos in a men’s restroom. Obviously I am beyond helping. I’m a desperate breed of a doormat.”

I grab her chin. “You are not a doormat. I was not having sex with Polly. I was apologizing to her for being an asshole in my former life. I haven’t been with any women since you and I don’t want to be with any other woman except you. You are the end all, be all, to women for me. You’re it. The only one.” The urge to press my mouth against hers rises. Leaning in, I get close, she even closes her eyes in wait, but I pull away. “You’re not mine so I’m not going to kiss you.” She’s so near I can taste her breaths and scent her skin. My head swims. My cock stiffens. I imprint this as a moment of pure torture and bliss wrapped into one.

She pulls away, wipes her eyes once more and unlocks the door. The magic moment broken. I didn’t think I’d have this chance again, to share this close space. “Three hours? Please?” she asks. “No promises.”

I nod once, stoic. “I’ll be there.”

The sky-blue dress floats behind her as she leaves. Her perfume lingers in the air and facing the mirror, I see my jacket and dress shirt has smears of her makeup along the collar. Fuck, what am I doing? I tear out of the restroom and head for the bar for a stiff drink and then to my table. I try to make small talk with my brothers, but I always let my gaze find Magnolia and Kendall. In three hours I have to convince a teenager to tell the truth. The rest of my life depends on it.

Talk about mission impossible.