NEVER MINE
1
Second chances are rare in this lifetime…
“Know that I love you, Eve. You. For who you are, what you mean to me now and what you’ve always meant to me—even all the years we’ve been apart. Don’t ever forget that. I wish I could give you so much more.”
Jake’s words outside the restaurant last night repeatedly played through Eve’s head...why hadn’t she realized it sooner? If that didn’t sound like a goodbye of epic proportions, she didn’t know what did. Heat from the coffee cup pressed to her chest offered some warmth as the chilly ocean breeze cooled her skin. Staring out over the sea, she absently tracked the waves rushing up the shore, only to return back to where they belonged—a fitting visual analogy.
“Baby... Are you serious? It’s 8:00 a.m.”
With a gasp, Eve jerked up at the sound of Jake’s raspy morning voice. Coffee sloshed over the brim of her cup and down the front of her camisole.
“Ugh! Really?” The glass table clanked as she dropped the cup down. Breakfast Blend and silk...not a good combination. Good thing it had cooled to lukewarm. “Shit!”
“Shit, huh.” His deep chuckle danced across her skin like a seductive caress. “Did I scare you?”
“No—I mean, yes.” She glanced down at her wet top. “Kind of.” Grabbing her cup, she stood to go change. When she walked past him, he wrapped an arm around her waist, dragging her to him. “Babe...” She pressed her hand and the mug against his chest. “I’m all wet.”
“Are you?” Moving his hand down to her ass cheek, he pushed two fingers between her legs, over her pajama covered pussy. “Mmm—not yet, but you’re about to be.”
His soft lips gently bit down on her earlobe, covering her arms with goosebumps and the wind whipped her hair across both their faces. With an exaggerated shiver, he lifted her off the balcony and marched her inside the studio suite.
“Gotta warm you up a little.”
A smile pressed at the corners of her mouth. “No—come on. I’m gonna get coffee all over you. Let me change.”
“Nope.” Hugging tighter, he walked her backwards until he reached the couch. He sat down and patted his lap. “Sit.”
She stared at the hand reaching out to her. The man short circuited her brain.
“Jake—”
The sight of his ruggedly handsome face made her heart hurt. The sharp screech of nearby seagulls drew her attention back outside. Black clouds rolled in across the blue sea, mirroring the darkness threatening to overtake her.
“Honey—come on. Sit,” he repeated.
When she turned back to him, she couldn’t help but grin. The rumpled just-out-of-bed look he sported was even hotter in person than what she’d ever imagined.
He quickly waved her to him with both hands and patted his thighs. His sensual mouth drooped on one side and his brows scrunched together.
“Seriously, Jake? You’re gonna pout?”
“Depends. Will it work?”
She cocked her head as his frown turned into a full-blown Jake smile. The one he knew she couldn’t say no to.
“You suck.”
“Fuck yeah, I do.” His eyes slowly travelled the length of her body, before meeting hers again. “Now get down here, grumpy, and I’ll remind you exactly how well.”
The heat already burning her cheeks blazed at his hungry expression. Any remaining self-preservation got shot straight to hell. Placing her cup on the side table, she straddled his thighs. “I see where your head’s at this morning.”
“Where’re you at, baby?” Jake rested his hands on her hips.
“Umm.” How to put this? She cleared her throat. “Last night you said—”
“Wait...” He put a hand up. “I know that look. This is gonna be intense, right?”
Hooking her fingers inside the neckline of his T-shirt, she shrugged as if no big deal. Right—neither was a grenade with its pin just pulled. “It’s something you said, so it’s on you.”
“Ahhh, Eve…too early for intense. Can I have coffee first?” He bunched the sides of her pajama bottoms in his hands.
The breath lodged in her throat came out in a defeated rush. “Yeah, okay.” When she shifted on his lap to stand up, he fisted the material tighter, locking her in place.
“The top needs to go.” He skimmed his hands up her arms, wrapping the spaghetti straps of her coffee-stained camisole around his fingers.
“Okay, but you have to let me go first,” she said.
“So grumpy this morning.”
Was he serious? “Stop saying that! I’m not grumpy.”
“Oh, yeah...grumpy.”
The slightly roughened pads of his fingers trailing down her arms made her nipples harden. She shivered at the scratchy circles he drew on her skin while he played with her top.
He took up the slack on the cami straps until she couldn’t move.
“Not enough coffee?”
“It’s your fault I didn’t hit my quota.”
“In the past, baby. Point is...this is wet,” he said, as he played with her tank straps. “Can’t have you getting sick, so it’s gotta come off.” He lifted the camisole up.
Eve squeezed her arms to her sides. “Babe, let me change. Go get coffee.” If her libido had an antagonist—it was Jake. His touch alone killed any coherent thoughts, turning them into a ridiculous manifestation of sexual need.
“I have coffee.” He switched up and tugged the cami down to her waist, twisting the straps around her wrists.
“Jake!” Her instinct was to cover up, but her wrists were stuck in the straps.
“That’s called improvising.”
The pressure of the material digging into her wrists was the only thing keeping her composed. Only a few more hours left with him.
Leaning forward, Jake ran his lips over the sensitive spot right beneath her chin. The leisurely slide of his tongue across her neck was almost torturous. God, she craved him to an inexplicable degree. The clean pine scent of his shampoo enveloped her as she rested her cheek on top of his head. Breathing him in, she relaxed into the warm feel of his tongue along the heavy swells of her breasts. Shifting back, she gave him more access.
“Mmm. Best coffee ever.” The warm tip of his tongue licked at one blissfully abused nipple.
The teasing pressure of his teeth grazing over her areola sent little jolts across her skin. When he finally got to the tip and gently bit down, her body instantly reacted with a surge of wetness to her core...and she realized it was too late. Had been too late for her, since they’d crossed the line of friendship. Jake owned her. He forced her to feel and that was something she’d lost a long time ago. The numbness she’d worn like protective armor had eviscerated with the first touch of his mouth to hers. She fidgeted in his lap, needing to feel his body stretching hers, filling her up.
“I can’t get enough of you—never enough time,” Jake whispered. Letting go of the straps on her camisole, he placed both hands on either side of her hips and lifted, so her breasts were even with his mouth.
Breathing became a task. Wiggling free of the straps, Eve threaded her hands through his thick hair. Her pajama bottoms clung to her core, saturated with her need for him. How was she supposed to get through two years without him now that he’d found her again? His face was the last thing she wanted to see when she went to sleep and the first thing she woke to in the morning. From the second she’d picked up the phone a little over a year ago, and heard his voice for the first time in sixteen years, she’d been lost to him.
Jake fluctuated between teasing sweeps of his tongue and sharp nips of his teeth on her tender nipples, keeping her on edge and needy.
“Jake...” she moaned.
“Feel good?” He asked, giving her a little more pressure.
“Yeah,” she whimpered to him. “Please—don’t stop.”
“Hmm.”
The vibrations of Jake’s moan sparked across her skin like waves of electricity.
“Always tell me what you want, what gets you off.” He suckled one nipple, while simultaneously pinching the other between his fingers. “I need you to own that, baby.”
Always. The word thundered through her head—there was no always for them. Was there?
Touchy and raw from last night, Eve welcomed the physical distraction right now, because emotionally she felt close to shattering. It would be so easy to just give in to the dark web of erotic possession Jake spun around her, but then where would she be if he did disappear again? Lost. Empty. Alone.
His strong arms enfolded her and his mouth worked back up her neck, keeping her in the present moment. Cuddling her to him, he nuzzled her ear and tightened his hold.
“No.” The sweet smell of his minty toothpaste lifted to her nose. Every inch of him smelled too good. Maneuvering her hands in between them, she created some space. “I need you.”
No more waiting. No snuggling. It took all she had not to go crazed sex nymph on him and stroke him through his shorts. They were on a clock—no time for foreplay. No. Time. She dropped her hands to his waistband and scooted back on his thighs, giving herself room.
The second Jake dropped his head and pressed his forehead to hers, she felt the muscles in his legs tense.
“Shit, baby. You’re fucking red.” He lifted her wrists up, examining the angry strap marks. “Why didn’t you say—”
“I’m fine.” Quickly pulling her hands out of his, she anchored her palms on either side of his head and pushed her chest against his. “Kiss me, Jake.”
He grasped her shoulders, his fingers digging into her skin, and held her away from him.
“What? Babe—what?” But she already knew...
“Why didn’t you tell me I was hurting you?” His voice was soft. Eerily soft.
“It’s nothing—a few red marks.” Eve insisted. “And it didn’t hurt.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “Nothing...” He dropped his hands to her wrists and held them up in front of her, the angry red strap marks violent against her skin. “This is nothing? What’s going on, Eve?”
“What do you think?” She bent to kiss him again, but his grip on her tightened, stopping her. “I’m trying to have sex with you. You’re being difficult.”
“Sex?”
“Yes!” She deserved some kind of award for not rolling her eyes. Out of sheer will, she straightened her spine when all she wanted to do was melt into him. He was making something out of nothing.
“Not making love?”
This time, she couldn’t stop the eye roll. “Twenty questions? Right now? Yes...sex, Jake!” Stealthily, she stole another quick peek at the clock.
“Huh.” He nodded once as his brows pulled together. “Funny thing, baby...you never say ‘sex.’ You say ‘making love.’ No matter how dirty I get or how hard I push you.”
The little hairs on the nape of her neck stood on end. She swallowed the scream chafing the back of her throat.
“Do the words actually matter at this exact moment? Making love, sex...whatever. They’re a means to the same end.”
“Night and day, sweetheart. Making love, sex, and the one word you can’t even say, fucking—not something I’ve ever done with you.”
Even with the screen door open and the breeze off the ocean cooling the room, the air became stifling. Something deep inside drove her to push him away and she knew that’s where Jake’s tolerance ended. The sense of finality marring his cryptic admission of love last night wouldn’t stop running through her overactive mind. She couldn’t stop herself from trying to provoke something physically she could justify staying emotionally detached from later. Something had to stop her from falling deeper in love with him every second he was in her presence.
“You think I’ve fucked you?”
The edge in his voice stopped her cold and her eyes met his. “No. That’s not what—”
“Right, whatever’s going on in that over-active brain of yours...rope it the fuck in.” The back of his fingers lingered over her nipples, playing with her while he spoke.
Her heartbeat raged out of control at the gentleness of his caress in contrast with the rage in his voice, which for some godforsaken reason made her want him even more. She tried to jerk away from his touch. This wasn’t working...
He locked strong hands around her biceps. “You can withhold shit from me over the phone, but sure as fuck not when you’re with me. Not when I’m touching you.” Shaking her gently, he tugged her to his chest and wrapped his arms around her. Cradling the back of her head with one hand, he held her face to his neck for a quick second.
“Eve.” He set her away from him. “There’s still time, baby,” he said softly.
No holding. And Jake holding her was usually the one thing she craved above all else. The tenderness in his eyes was like an increasing weight crushing her chest and she looked away from him. He read her so well and it wasn’t fair.
“Jake—” She struggled to squirm away.
“Shhh, I got you.”
“Are you planning on finishing what you started?” she scoffed, staring at the back of the couch.
“Yup.” Gripping her ass with both hands, he stood up with her in his arms. “On my terms. Yours suck right now.”
“You’re going to hurt your back,” Eve cautioned. Frustrating man! “The doctor said two years for a full recovery—it’s only been one and change and you’re already back at work. You don’t listen to anybody. Even your doctor.”
His sexy chuckle rippled along her ear. “I’m good as new, baby. See…” He bit her earlobe gently. “…even when you’re trying to push me away, you can’t stop caring. You’re loving by nature.” He set her on the bed and laid her down beside him, but leaned over her.
“I don’t want to talk.” She trailed a finger down his cheek, over his full lips.
“No more talk.”
All the fight bled out of her with the touch of his lips to hers.
He licked into her mouth with aggressive, sweeping strokes. No teasing. No sexy build up. He wanted, he took, and she willingly gave herself over to him. Aggressive. Hungry. Needy and dominant. This is what she needed from him.
As he settled on top of her, she opened her legs, cradling him between her thighs. Using both her hands and toes, she managed to get his shorts over his ass to mid-thigh. She arched her hips off the bed, wanting his thick hard length against her.
Jake worshiped her mouth. He seduced her with slow, teasing kisses that seemed to go on forever, before taking her bottom lip between his teeth and sucking on her tongue.
She groaned when he broke the kiss. The loss of his mouth on hers had her reaching for him.
Turning his face into her hand, he kissed the center of her palm before sliding down along her body to kneel at the side of the bed. He gripped her waist, then jerked her down to him, taking her pajama bottoms with him when he sat back.
Her knees rested alongside both his shoulders, leaving her open to him.
“Jesus, you’re soaking wet. Goddamn.” Jake groaned as he slid one finger around her opening. “Gotta taste you.”
“Wait!” She scrambled to her elbows. “I—I’m sore. I don’t need this.” Maybe a little white lie. The anxiety aside, she knew she was close to ready. For the first time ever with Jake, she didn’t want him to go down on her—didn’t want the intimacy of the act. It would be hard enough to push back the memory of this weekend, so that she could actually be a functioning human being.
Jake’s eyes met hers. “I’d never hurt you.”
“I’m ready, though.” It was no use, but she couldn’t help trying to distance herself. “I want you.”
“You’ll get me...when I say you’re ready.” He slid warm hands under her knees and pushed her thighs back on either side of her, exposing every wet, swollen, pink inch of her.
If she wasn’t so turned on to the point she ached, she’d be humiliated—but that would come later.
“Hold your knees.”
“Jake—”
His eyes drilled into hers. “Hold. Your. Knees.”
Slowly, Eve wrapped her hands around her knees and pried them apart.
He ran his palms up the insides of her thighs, pushing them out farther as he bent down between her legs. With an unleashed aggression, he covered her entire cleft with his mouth.
The slide of his tongue through her dripping wet crease made her clit throb harder and she cried out. For some reason she’d expected slow. More gentle. Not even close to what he gave her. And fuck her if she didn’t get hotter with every hard flick and lap of his wicked tongue. A coppery taste flooded her mouth and she realized she’d bitten the shit out of her lip.
Tilting his head, he swept the pad of his tongue up one side and down the other, sucking on the swollen lips of her pussy before slowly thrusting his tongue inside her.
“Jake, please—please.”
“Please, what?”
“Um—um.” An uncontrollable shiver ripped through her. “I need you.”
“Need me to what?”
His response vibrated across her hypersensitive body. When he skimmed his teeth over her throbbing inner lips, her restraint snapped.
“Christ, Jake...make me come,” she pleaded. “Don’t leave me like this.”
“Never, baby. I’d never leave you hurting.” Wrapping his arms around her hips, he held her open with his fingers and teased his tongue just under her clit, but much softer now.
Was he intentionally mind-fucking her without words? Angry, caring, aggressive, gentle—no consistency. She felt like she was on the edge of a cliff, contemplating whether to jump and fly, if only for the few blissful seconds of absolute freedom, or to step back and just exist, safely admiring the beauty from afar—imagining what it could feel like.
The pulsating intensified the more he licked at her and pushed her closer to that edge. It felt as if he were barely touching her. His tongue was like a fluttery butterfly wing—fragile and soft. He’d never been this gentle with her before, knowing she needed more aggressive stimulation. This, though—this was loving, more intense. Exactly what she’d wanted to avoid. No jumping. No flying. Not for her.
“I’m addicted to you,” he mumbled.
Soft flicks and circles with the tip of his tongue had her panting and clenching the ends of a pillow in her fists. Muscles in her stomach violently ebbed and flowed as he slipped two fingers inside her saturated opening. She pulled her knees farther apart and rocked her hips against his mouth. A fiery warmth flooded her core when he finally sucked her clit into his mouth...shoving her right to the very edge of her metaphorical cliff. She jerked the pillow out from behind her head and screamed into it. Fear of being without him, her vulnerability to him, her self-preservation, all of it exploded inside her.
“I want to hear you.” Ripping the pillow from her hands, Jake threw it across the room. “You’re gorgeous when you come.” Rising over her, he balanced his weight on one hand and caught one leg in the crook of his other arm. The second she wrapped her free leg around his waist, he thrust hard inside her.
“Jake,” she cried. “Wait! Just wait.” She was sorer than she’d originally thought.
“No waiting. Breathe, baby. I know your body. Just kiss me.” Releasing her leg, he shifted his weight to his elbows and held her face still with both hands. “Kiss me, hon.”
Squeezing her eyes shut, she hastily grabbed his face and thrust her tongue between his lips. In all the times she’d been with Jake, as intense and aggressive as he’d been with her, he’d never felt so...deep. She whimpered into his mouth. Jeez, her insides were about to split in two.
His lips barely broke from hers. “You’re tensing. Relax for me. You know what I want—give me those wet kisses that take my breath away.”
Distracting herself from how uncomfortably huge he felt, Eve took his mouth and raked her nails down his back. She swept her tongue inside and lost herself in the taste of him. A long moan escaped her as she began to settle into the feel of him stretching her.
Jake let out an encouraging groan. “Wetter, Eve.”
Pushing her hands through his hair, she fastened her mouth tighter to his.
He growled her name as he took her bottom lip between his teeth, opening her mouth wider.
“More,” he demanded, as he pulled out and slowly drove back into her. “Wetter.”
As the stretch inside her body bordered on intolerable, she concentrated on relaxing one muscle at a time, opening herself to him. The need to get closer consumed her…a desire edging toward crazed. She clutched at his shoulders, digging her nails into his skin as if that would allow her to hold on to him longer. Please don’t let this be the last time I see him, touch him.
“Open your eyes, Eve.”
Her name in that hard tone jarred her out of her head.
Slowly moving in and out of her body, he set a maddening pace.
“Better?”
“Yes.” Locking her eyes to his, Eve forced herself to stay with him, never looking away. Like breaking in a glove two sizes too tight, she focused on the thickness of him. The head of his cock skillfully hit the delicious place inside her that guaranteed she’d come again for him, despite the lingering pain—as many times as he wanted her to. Her tender walls pulsed around him, ached with every penetration, and yet she needed him harder, faster.
Jake knelt on the bed still lodged inside of her and hauled her legs up to his shoulders.
Eve inhaled sharply, the sudden movement forcing him even deeper. She felt her body clasping at his as he grew harder.
“So tight, baby. Hang on.” Wrapping his arms around her thighs, he forced her legs straight up in the air on either side of his head and hugged them together.
“Jake...” The uncompromising position made her feel every rock-hard inch of him. So raw and tender now, she could feel the roped veins in his shaft. She clenched the sheets in her hands—as much as it hurt, it kept her with him, wanting more despite the pain.
“Relax, sweetheart. Take all of me.” He moved his head to the side squeezing her legs together alongside his cheek. He closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds almost as if he were treasuring the feel of her skin. Keeping with the same frustrating rhythm, his thrusts became harder, deeper, but he kept the tempo slow.
Eve panted and reached for his hands, but he wouldn’t let go of her legs. He studied her face and if she didn’t know better, she’d say his eyes were watery. Tensing for a second, Eve thought he must feel it too—the desperation. There was an aggressive gentleness to his touch, which was a disconcerting paradox. Jake was dominant in bed, always careful with her, yes, but demanding. He seemed to be touching her to remember.
“Babe?” Eve asked, not understanding the emotions within his expressive eyes, but at least making sense of the push-pull behind his actions. He knew it too...
They were out of time.
“Just feel. Can you for once, please just do that for me...” Pulling back, Jake split her legs just enough to glance down at where their bodies connected. “So perfect. Watching my cock disappear into your drenched, greedy pussy—knowing only I make you this way. Fuck, you were made for me. How the fuck do I let you go?”
Let me go? Right when Eve was about to try and sit up, Jake pushed her legs wide and anchored his hands on either side of her head. He swung his hips faster, inching her up the bed with each desperate thrust, taking them both higher to the place where they moved in perfect sync. She locked her legs around his waist, clutched his shoulders and mimicked his rhythm. If this was the last time, she’d take everything he gave her.
“Don’t you leave me, Eve,” he growled down at her. “Stay out of your head.”
Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she kissed him, so hungry for him she couldn’t stop from moaning into his mouth.
“I’m right here, babe. With you.”
Suddenly, Jake broke the kiss, balanced with one hand and took her wrist in the other. He pulled it above her head, then repeated the process with the other. Threading their fingers together high above her, he rendered her immobile.
She tried to pull out of his hold, but might as well try to break steel—she couldn’t move, couldn’t touch him. Discomfort turned to panic and she began to struggle.
Slowly, Jake trailed his lips down her cheek to settle in the hollow behind her ear. His breath warmed her skin, settling her down a bit. He repositioned his hips and lifted up, so he could see her face.
“Easy,” he said, easily holding both wrists in one of his hands, while trailing the fingers on his free hand over her face. “Let go, baby.”
Eve stopped fighting and kept her gazed locked to his, wondering if he was even aware of the double meaning behind those three words. The rugged angles of his face strained and she got lost somewhere in the depths of his eyes. The length of his thick cock, slick with her arousal, dragged across her clit every time he withdrew and hit that sweet spot inside when he thrust back in. Eager to touch him, she moaned his name and attempted to free her hands again, but he held tight, forcing her to feel every hard, methodical, penetration.
“So good….” he hissed. “Come, Sunshine. One more time.”
With a final thrust, his pelvis hit her over-sensitized bud in just the right place. The use of the nickname he’d given her when they’d first met felt like a knife across her chest, leaving her to bleed out. And yet, its use was the very thing that threw her into a full body orgasm, ripping apart everything inside her from each strand of hair on her head to the little nail on her pinky toe—the kind of orgasm that recoded your goddamn DNA. A slow, yet beautiful death.
Finally letting go of her hands, he shoved his arms under her, hugging her so tight she could barely breathe. He lay there for a few minutes, kissing her, touching her, calming her, until her trembling stopped, until her breathing returned to normal and then he lifted up. Resting his weight on his elbows, he passed his thumbs under her eyes, over her lips, lingering at the side of her mouth.
“I love kissing you. Everything you feel, I feel when you kiss me.”
“I love you, Jake,” she whispered up to him.
“I know, hon.”
“I missed you so much.”
“I missed you more.” He kissed her forehead and secured her hair behind her ear. On a long exhale, he slowly pulled out of her.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he rested his elbows on his knees and his head dropped for a second. Finally, he half turned to her.
“Give me a minute here. Then we need to talk.”
Every muscle in her body tightened, but she stayed put. “Talk about what?”
Jake never moved after making love to her. He would flip her around like a rag doll, spoon around her tight with his hand on her breast and his face in her neck. He rarely got up before she did...ever.
The shift in his behavior kicked her anxiety in hard.
“It’s all good.” He winked at her, got up and walked to the bathroom.
The passionate intimacy there a few seconds ago was gone—evaporating in an instant. Eve bit her lip to keep from falling apart.
“Okay,” she whispered, as her eyes skirted around the empty room. Scooting off the bed, she picked up the towel that had been there since last night and wrapped it around her. Her hands trembled as she secured the ends. She couldn’t stop her head from spinning. Breathe, damn it!
When Jake reemerged, he kissed her forehead and nodded to the bathroom without a word.
Eve hurried across the room and shut the bathroom door. She showered and dressed in record time. Staring at her reflection in the mirror, she cringed at the sight of her pale skin flamed red from scrubbing so hard and so fast. Every single part of her body ached. Anchoring her hair behind her ears, she wiped her eyes and got her emotions under control before walking out of the bathroom and into the main room.
Jake sat on the couch fully dressed, staring out the screen door. “That was fast,” he commented without looking at her.
Ignoring him, Eve walked around the room collecting her things, attempting not to think about this possibly being the last time she saw him before she left. They enhanced each other’s lives and were genuinely comfortable around the other. It was as if they’d never been apart. The reality of New York destroyed her. She didn’t want to leave him. She wanted the chance they never had, but she’d worked too hard for this opportunity. She had to go.
She dropped her overnight bag on the bed. Skittering about, she collected her clothes, her mangled dress, her heels, and shoved them into the satchel before pulling the zipper with shaky fingers. Damn thing wouldn’t close. She slammed her fists into it and forced the sides together. Droplets fell on her hand and she realized she was crying. Again, she tugged on the zipper—still wouldn’t budge. Turning the entire thing upside down, she shook all the contents out on the bed, and began to reorganize.
Jake’s body heat behind her stopped her. Reaching around, he took her pajamas from her, laid them on the bed and took her hand in his.
“Leave that, baby. Come over here.” He led her to the couch and sat her on the table she’d been splayed out on the night before. Grabbing both hands now, he held them in front of him while she sat between his legs.
When she met his gaze, she noticed trepidation behind his eyes. A rarity, since Jake was a master at keeping his emotions locked down. All at once, she time-warped back to his going-away party when he’d enlisted. He’d held her hands then too—right before he’d told her that while he cared about her, she was too young for him and she couldn’t stop her life and wait for him. Here she was once again. The situation felt frighteningly familiar even almost two decades later. She waited for him to speak with the same rotting feeling in her stomach.
Stroking his fingers over hers, he gazed down at their intertwined hands.
“Have I ever told you what an amazing mother you would’ve been?”
Eve jolted at the unexpected statement as bile rose in her esophagus. Swallowing hard, she glanced at the clock above his head.
“Jake, it’s almost ten. We have to check out around eleven.”
“I got a late check out. Answer me, have I ever told you that?”
Eve cocked her head. “Several times. Why?”
Shrugging his shoulders, he met her eyes. “We would have had beautiful kids. I’d have loved every second of watching you with our children.”
It never got easier hearing him say those words. She wondered if he realized how much it meant to her and hurt her. She took his hand. “That time has passed for both of us. Besides, you already have beautiful children.”
An expression that could only be described as tortured crossed his handsome face.
“That I do...” The half-hearted smile he gave her in no way reached his eyes.
“Jake, look at me.” Pulling one hand out of his, she lifted his chin with a finger until his eyes met hers. “What is going on?” Something was off. The mention of his girls put that expression on his face.
“Hon—shit...” He dropped his head.
A disconcerting chill shot from the top of her head to the toes she couldn’t feel.
“Oh Jake,” she whispered as her world stopped. All sound, even the roar of the crashing waves directly below their balcony, muted. Her thoughts fragmented and scattered in a million different directions. The reality she’d been dreading was about to backhand her and she knew what waited on the other side—darkness, isolation.
“Baby...” His fingers caressed over the top of her hands.
The tension in his voice made her lungs stop working for a second, but she nodded for him to continue.
“Why haven’t you asked me about the divorce?”
Heat burned her cheeks and she dropped her chin. Her greatest shame. She blinked quickly. “I thought it impolite to ask—”
“Impolite? Kelly and I started the proceedings before you and I ever reconnected.” Jake leaned forward to catch her line of sight.
Exhaling, she shrugged her shoulders. “Not my place. You could have changed your mind, stopped the divorce. I didn’t want to influence that and I would have understood. You have kids. Others who are dependent on you—”
“Hold up. Do you think I’d have started anything with you, given our history, if I wasn’t positive my marriage was over? You think I’d do that to you?” When she opened her mouth to respond, he nodded his head and smirked. “Know what, don’t answer that. Besides, you wouldn’t even talk about seeing me until the court dates were over and the papers were officially filed. Since then, you haven’t been curious?”
Curious wasn’t the right word—more like frightened. She’d always thought he might go back, which was why she wouldn’t see him well until after the papers were filed. The first six months of reconnecting after a sixteen-year absence had been on a phone.
“Of course I was, but then we—this—happened.” She frantically motioned between them with a hand. “I told myself I could see you and just be friends, wait until your divorce was final and then, if we felt something maybe...but deep down, I knew better. You were my first love—seeing you was dangerous. It’s why I wanted to wait.”
“I got that. You were being ridiculous. Yeah, we’ve always been friends, but we both felt more than that and we’re divorced. We’re adults.”
The pounding in her head wouldn’t let up and she didn’t even try to fight the wave of emotion at this point. He would never see their relationship the way she did.
“I’m divorced, Jake. You’re still married according to the courts, but I did agree to see you once my divorce was final and your papers were officially filed...however, I was wrong.”
He shook his head. “You weren’t wrong and I hate when you say that shit. Don’t say we’re wrong.”
“We—us—we are not wrong. I don’t regret us. I regret the timing, not waiting.”
He tightened his grip on her hands until she met his gaze. “Eve, it was a waiting game…that’s it. I was waiting for a piece of fucking paper. I wouldn’t expect Kelly to wait if she met someone. What? We were supposed to stop our lives, because we got divorced?”
His image became blurry and she blinked, clearing her vision. “We don’t see this the same way, Jake. To answer your question, though, you have children, you and Kelly have property. I knew your proceedings would be more involved and take longer than mine. I told you when I received my final divorce papers. I just figured you’d do the same if you wanted me to know.”
He nodded slowly, as if struggling for the correct words.
Jake didn’t usually censor—this was a recent development with him. Censoring was her territory. He was straight up, always had been. This had been one of the things she valued most about him, but the past few months he’d been distant.
“You leave for New York in a little over a month,” he said, tapping into her worst fear.
“I know. You hate New York. But it’s only two years. Is that what all this is about?”
“I do hate New York, but time isn’t the problem.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose.
Watching him closely, Eve’s hands trembled harder. “Then what is the problem? You’re confusing me.”
He scooted closer to her and reached into the backpack next to him. He brought out an envelope and handed it to her.
Unable to stop trembling, Eve took out the paper and read. She skimmed the document and her eyes immediately jumped to his.
“This is the finalization of your divorce.”
“That’s it,” he said.
Slowly exhaling, Eve concentrated on stopping the blood racing through her veins. This didn’t change things. She was still leaving. With quivering hands, she refolded the paper, returned it to the envelope, and handed it back to him.
“When did you get that?”
“About a month ago. I was overseas. It was waiting or me when I came home.” He still hadn’t looked at her.
“A month ago—and you’re just telling me now?” Her mouth dropped open. “I—I don’t understand. You didn’t tell me just because I didn’t ask you about it?”
Jake let her hands go and leaned back into the cushions, looking just above her head. “It’s more complicated than that. I want a chance for us.”
Eve waved her hand in front of him getting his attention. “I hear a distinct ‘but’ there,” she said softly.
“I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. This can’t change anything.” Grunting, he locked both her hands to his once again. “I can’t go to New York.”
Leaning back, Eve studied his expression, wondering where this was going. “That’s not news to me. Maddelyn and Kelsie are here. Your home base is here. I never expected you to go to New York with me. You know that.”
He leaned closer to her. “What exactly did you expect?”
“That we’d try? Jesus, Jake! I’ve loved you since I was thirteen. I’ll always love you. I’ll always want you no matter how far away you are or how inaccessible you are to me—that won’t go away because I’m on the other side of the U.S. Just tell me what you want, so I can understand why it sounds like you’re saying goodbye without saying it.”
At least last time he’d actually said the words—goodbye, don’t wait for me. He was struggling with this, she just wasn’t quite sure why. No sense—it made no sense.
Jake put his hands to his head and yanked them through his hair. “I have responsibilities that come with me, hon. At the top of that list is my children. Their state of mind, their health. Maddie and Kelsie come before anything and anyone. They always will. Nothing will ever affect my relationship with my girls or come before them.”
Now Eve slowly stood up. Confused by his statement, she couldn’t fathom where this was coming from.
“Of course not. You leave spouses, Jake—you don’t leave children.” She looked out across the ocean before turning back to him. “With all you’ve shared with me about Kelsie and Maddelyn, do you think I wouldn’t want the best for them? You being here is what’s best for your girls. Jesus, babe, did you genuinely believe I’d expect your relationship with your daughters to change after your divorce? That I wouldn’t want you in California to take care of your girls? Do you even know me at all?”
When Jake’s eyes met hers, Eve’s blood froze as confusion turned to brutal reality. Memories of a time best forgotten flooded her. Her heart thundered against her chest. She instantly flashed back to the blinding white lights of a hospital bed and her parents crying when she came to.
Yes—she knew that look intimately. She’d put the pain in Jake’s eyes—in her own parents eyes—twice now. The car accident wasn’t her fault, but she still hadn’t forgiven herself for the first time. There was a particular look to suffering when something was wrong with one’s child and it was etched all over Jake’s face.
Eve sat back down, but didn’t touch him. His body hummed with an uneasy sort of energy.
“Please, tell me what’s happening.”
“My kids aren’t doing well with the divorce now that it’s final.” His eyes met hers. “Especially Maddie.”
“What do you mean? What’s wrong with Maddelyn?”
Sighing, Jake sat back hard. “Maddie’s a straight A student—always has been. She’s failing three classes. Cries every time I leave the house. She’s detached from everyone. They’re kids, hon. Even though we were separated a year before filing, up until a month ago, they’d hoped we’d work it out. Kelly tried to talk to Maddie about it and Maddie stonewalled her. Kelly called me and we sat them down again. Fuck.” He rubbed his head with both hands. “Hardest hour of my life.”
Call it woman’s intuition, but Eve sat up straighter and focused on his body language. Her instincts screamed that there was more than just Maddelyn not making grades and being upset about the divorce. No doubt, it had been a devastating conversation for all of them. But something else had Jake on edge...almost frightened, if she had to guess.
“Why are you just telling me this now?”
He rested his hands on her thighs and squeezed. “Baby. I tell you about my girls and you worry. You worry when they’re sick, when they’re upset and you’ve never even met them. They’re not your problem. This is my deal. You have enough happening with the dissertation and the move.”
The panic she’d felt earlier dissipated as comprehension dawned. Whatever Maddelyn’s situation was, it was serious—he was either afraid to tell her or wouldn’t admit it. Jake had a strong protective instinct and wouldn’t tell her what was happening if he thought it would hurt her. Being a loving and protective father, however, he might not want to face or even voice something going on with his daughter. The clenching of his fists and the throbbing vein in his neck suggested he was somehow torn between his feelings for her and whatever had happened with Maddelyn. Eve paused, centered and willed the wrenching twist in her gut to stop.
“Not my problem?” Tilting her head, so she could see his eyes, she kept her voice calm. “Jake...do you truly believe me when I tell you I love you?”
“Yeah, baby. You know I do.”
Shaking her head at him, Eve continued, “Okay then, do you think I go about my life as if all’s well when I know you’re upset—especially if I know something’s wrong and you pull the silent act? Do you think I can’t handle it? It’s better if I know what’s going on rather than guessing.”
“Not this.” He ran a finger down her cheek.
“Not what?”
Suddenly, he got up to pace in front of the fireplace. “Eve—” He pressed his palms to his forehead.
Getting up from the table, she walked in front of him and slowly drew his hands away from his face. “You tell me everything...or so you claim. Whatever it is, it shouldn’t be this hard.”
He took her cheeks between his palms.
Eve studied him closely, noting the pain in his eyes.
Opening his mouth to speak, he stalled out. His eyes searched hers for a brief second and then he locked all emotion down. It was a flash, an instant, but with one twitch of his cheek muscle, he shut her out.
Eve stepped back.
Jake advanced on her. “I told you from the start I couldn’t give you a commitment. We always knew you were leaving and that I had to stay here. Divorce or no divorce, we’re gonna be on separate coasts for two years. A commitment wouldn’t be fair or realistic to either of us.”
Oh, no. Not happening. Not this time.
If she were destined to lose him a second time, she would damn well hear the reason why. He was deflecting and he was not getting off that easy. Digging for courage, she braced herself for a confrontation.
“That’s a copout and you know it. Don’t presume to know what’s fair to me, Jake. I know you told me not to, but when we were young, I waited seven years for you. For what? To see one day that you’d been home, were newly married with a newborn. So, yeah, I moved on, but let’s be clear, time obviously isn’t the issue for me. And no, you didn’t commit to me.” She nodded. “You’re right. Falling in love with you is on me. What you did, however, was give me hope. Now, you’re refusing to talk to me and saying goodbye in some cryptic way?”
“Baby, there are situations you don’t know about.”
“Enlighten me then.”
When Jake just stared at her and remained silent, she backed farther away from him until her butt hit the table. She struggled for composure, but the disappointment and hurt became just too suffocating.
“So that’s it? Nothing? According to you, you’ve trusted me with things you haven’t shared with any other person on the planet. If that’s true, I’m asking you to trust to me now.”
“I don’t want to lose you, but you’re leaving and my situation isn’t your problem. Our lives went in two separate directions. It is what it is and we have to accept that now.”
Eve walked past him to sit on the end of the couch.
“Now?” She looked around. “If you knew you weren’t going to try, why did you bring me here? Why did you push me so hard last night?”
Jake shrugged. “I wanted us to at least have one night. A taste of the life we should have had together, but for some fucked up reason it didn’t happen. Was it selfish? Yeah. Does it make me an asshole? Pretty sure it does...but I’m leaving in a week on assignment for two months. I won’t see you again before you go to New York.”
“So this is the way you leave it? Leave us?” Last night he took her further physically and emotionally than he ever had before and then...this?
“I wanted all of you, Eve. I always will.”
“All I’m hearing is you. What you wanted, what is best for you. What about me, Jake? Do you have any concept of what you’re doing to me? What you’ve done?”
If it was possible for a human heart to physiologically break, the splitting pain throughout her chest, the sensation that her entire body was shutting down organ by organ had to be what it would feel like.
“I do,” he admitted in barely a whisper.
She nearly didn’t make out his response. “No. You don’t. You have no concept. If you did, if you cared about me at all, you’d talk to me.” She finally met this gaze. “After this past year, how am I supposed function without you? I’m losing my best friend, my support, the only man I’ve ever genuinely loved and trusted.”
“You’re not losing me, hon.” He pressed his fingers to his temples.
“Am I not!” Eve wept. “Is that not what you just said five minutes ago? Two separate coasts? Unrealistic for either of us? Be consistent damn you!” She slapped at the tears running down her cheeks with both hands. “We’ve always known I was going to New York, but I hoped we might be able to make this work. Second chances are rare in this lifetime—especially circumstances like ours. I didn’t need a marriage. I only needed you. And I would have loved you, and all that comes with you, with everything that I am.”
19 hours