Birch

I'm not a man.

Sitting by the pool, I let my feet dangle in the icy cold water. I had so many things I wanted to say to her, but I said none of them.

Cyprus locked herself away in our room after leaving the woods, refusing to even acknowledge that I was at the door. She wouldn't answer me when I called her name, she didn't yell at me to go away or tell me to go fuck myself.

I wish she had. That hurt more than any of the cuss words she could have thrown my way. Not hearing her voice, not having her scream at me that I was a dick or an asshole, that I could go fuck myself over and over; that silence was so much harder to take.

Fuck! Why the hell didn't I make her listen?

I let her down. . .

Hanging my head, I cupped my face in my palms and growled to myself. I was so frustrated that I had never once over the years told her the truth.

I fucking should have, she deserved to know.

“Did you tell her?” my father asked, forcing me to lift my head.

“No, she doesn't want to hear it from me or anyone else. She wants to learn it on her own. I just have no fucking clue what she knows already, she won't say shit.”

“Can you blame her?” Crouching down beside me, he swung his feet around and slipped them into the pool. “She obviously knows enough to know we took everything from her—”

“You took her everything from her, not me. I helped to save her.”

“Think of it however you want, but we're both at fault here. I might have done the shit that led us to all of this, but you. . .” Pointing his finger at me, he cocked his head. “You're the one she loves. She could give a shit about me and what I did, but you're the one she trusted the most, you're the one she gave her heart to.”

My eyes turned to slits, unable to believe that he had the nerve to put any of this on me. I was a damn child when everything happened. I had no say, I had no voice or control in what he decided to do.

I did as I was told. Period.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I helped her, I helped remove the pain. I didn't cause that shit, you did.”

“It's like this, your mother and I didn't always agree on everything. But no matter what I did, as long as she heard it from me first, eventually she got over it. Cyprus is hurt because you never told her the truth, it doesn't matter what your intentions were; saving her, hurting her—right now, it all looks the same in her eyes.”

“You told me not to, you're the one who told me to keep my mouth shut. So I did. Who was I supposed to give my loyalty to, you or her?”

“Birch,” my father said, reaching out and gripping my shoulder. “When you're a child things are different. Yes, I expected you to keep your mouth shut, but you're a grown man now, it's time for you to decide what you tell her and what you don't.” Patting my back, he climbed to his feet. Looking up at him, his eyes were full and tender, with more sincerity than I had ever seen before. “You know what you need to do, you don't need me to tell you anymore.”

He started walking away, but I stopped him. “Wait,” I said, holding out my hand. “You know you never really told me why before.”

“Why what?” he asked, keeping his head forward.

“Why all of this happened, why you did what you did.”

His eyes peeked at me over his shoulder, his back expanding as he took in a deep breath. There was a pause before he started speaking again, like he was thinking long and hard about how much he wanted me to know.

“I wanted power. At the time I told myself it was for you and your mother, but it wasn't. It was easier for me to lie to myself back then, but not now, not since your mom was ripped away from me. I was a selfish prick, and it took the death of your mother for me to see it.” Dropping his face into his chest, his voice fell quiet. “I got lost along the way, forgetting who I was fighting for. I didn't know Frank had a daughter, if I did, things would have ended differently. After you were born, I promised your mother I wouldn't ever do that, that I'd never purposefully go out and hunt a man with a family. And I hadn't up until then. It was something I took pride in, the one thing I always weighed when I made decisions in this business. Children need their parents when they're young. But I was too greedy to fucking care in the moment. I didn't stop myself, and I could have. I used him, I used him to feel bigger, to feel like I had all the control. I went looking for a fight, when I didn't really need to. I knew he needed the money more than me, but I didn't care, I wanted what was mine. . .”

I didn't say a word, I just sat and listened to him talk to me in a way he never had before. My father had always been straight to the point. He was cutthroat, I had seen him kill without questions.

He never admitted guilt or sorrow, he never owned his mistakes. He always stood by his choices.

But this, this was him finally speaking the truth. For the first time in his life he was actually speaking from his heart and not from his fucking balls.

Exhaling, he reached up and scratched his head. “When I saw her crying under that bed, I didn't know what to do. I tried, I did my best to fix her. I fucked up, that's what I did instead. Your mother forgave me, and not because I took care of someone who could destroy us and tear our family apart if he went to the cops, but because I told her what I had done. I promised her I would make it right. . .” Grunting, he stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Just don't forget who you're fighting for, Birch, she's worth more than all the pride in the world.”

I watched him stroll through the yard and into the house, closing the door behind him. I sat stunned, unraveling inside from what he had just said. That was first and only time I had ever heard him say he was wrong, that it was his greedy, power-fueled need that led us here.

He's right, the man is fucking right.

Pushing myself up, I crossed the patio and went into the house. My father wasn't one for heartfelt conversation, and I couldn't help but feel like it was my mother speaking through him right then.

It was like her hand had come down and touched his heart, helping him to guide me in the right direction. I was going to listen to him, I was ready to tell Cyprus everything that had happened from the first moment she entered our home that night.

If Cyprus chose not to listen, there was nothing I could do. But I could try and help her see, I could try and help her understand. And maybe she would get pissed and hit me and tell me she never wanted to see me or my father again.

But I had to do the right thing.

The truth had eaten away at me, it made me harbor this guilt that I had to get off my chest. I was tired of the wall between us, the one I had felt for years and she had just discovered.

Climbing the stairs, I took them two at a time. My muscles were tense, my heart thudded against my ribs as I tried to put together the words inside my head that I was going to use.

I wanted to make sure that everything I said came out clear and easy to understand. I didn't want to risk her misunderstanding and twisting my words into something they weren't.

Taking in a deep breath, I knocked on the door. “Cyprus, let me in.” She didn't respond, not that I expected her to. “I'm coming in, we need to talk.”

Pressing my ear to the door, I tried to listen for any sounds. She was silent.

“If you're near the door then move, because I'm coming in, even if I have to break it down.” Holding the handle in my hand, I pinned my shoulder to the wood, ready to force my way in.

Twisting the handle, to my surprise it turned. Pushing it open, I poked my head inside before opening it up all the way. Glancing around, I found Cyprus sitting against the wall with a book in her hands and tears running down her face.

“Cyprus, you need to hear me out.” Stepping closer, I looked at the book and my heart sank in my chest. “Where did you get that?” I asked, moving slowly towards her. “Where did you find it?”

How the fuck did she get the diary?

“The detective gave it to me.” Sniffling, she wiped her eyes. “He said they found it here in the house.”

“You were never supposed to see that.” Stopping a foot from her, I raked my fingers through my hair. “My father was supposed to get rid of it so you'd never have to know.”

“But I do know, I know what happened that night.” Tears continued to fall as her shoulders rolled forward. “I remember, Birch.” Flicking her eyes up to mine, her lip trembled as she spoke. “I remember the night he killed my parents.”

She looked so broken, so lost and sad as her eyes swelled with pain I never wanted her to have.

“I wanted to tell you—”

“But you didn't!” screaming, she slammed her fist into the floor. “You knew what he did! You knew who I was! And you didn't tell me!” Gripping the carpet in her fingers, she clawed the fibers as her body began to shake.

Dropping to her side, I tried to hold her, but she pushed me away. “Let me explain, let me tell you the truth.”

“No!” Her screech came out loud and unhinged as she punched her fists into my chest. “No! No! I trusted you! I loved you! How could you do this to me?”

Snagging her hands, I yanked her into a bear hug, refusing to let her go. “I love you, Cyprus, I've always loved you. That was never a lie, I love you with everything I have.” Whispering into her ear, I kissed the side of her temple. “I love you so much, I never wanted to hurt you. None of this was supposed to happen, not like this.”

Her body shrank, folding up as she began to weep. Her entire life had just changed. What she lost, she had found, what she didn't know, now had the power to destroy us both. I never wanted that, I never wanted her to know the pain she had been through.

“Why did you lie to me for all these years? If you really love me, how could you lie to me?” Sharp nails dug into my chest as she held on tight. “How could you lie to me, Birch? Tell me.”

Burying her face in my shirt, I slipped my hand around the back of her head and held her tight. “I lied because I love you. I wanted you to always be happy, I wanted to make you happy. I was selfish, I was wrong.”

Tipping her head up, she nuzzled herself into the crook of my arm. “All those times you saw me crying about losing my family, that never bothered you? It didn't make you think?”

Running my thumb across her forehead, I traced her hairline and moved down her cheek. “It always bothered me, I hated seeing you like that. I wanted to tell you so bad, but I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” Her brows scrunched, eyes searching my face. “What were you scared of? Was it your father, did he threaten you?”

A part of me was.

I wanted to answer her, to open my mouth and spew every last drop until my soul was clean and there was nothing left filling the air between us. Her eyes made my heart bleed, sending a shiver up my spine as she stared at me.

She looked like she was genuinely concerned for me and my feelings. I couldn't understand why, not after what I had kept from her. Why would she care about me? Why should she even give two fucks about how I felt?

I was the son of the man who had killed her family. I was the boyfriend who had let her believe she was abandoned, who nourished and manipulated her mind into believing what my father wanted her to believe. I was the lover who never told her who she really was.

I was a liar.

“I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid that you'd hate me, and I couldn't ever live with that thought. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. I was scared that if you knew the truth you'd leave me. I couldn't handle that, I could never imagine my life without you.”

“Did you really think that I would leave you just like that? That my love for you was that weak?”

Weak, no. Misguided, no.

I never thought that her love for me was weak, but hate had the power to drive people away.

“I was afraid you'd hate me.” Wrapping my fingers around her hand, I placed her open palm over my heart. “My heart beats for you, I live for you, Cyprus. If there is one thing in this world I never lied about, it's how I feel about you. That was always the truth.”

Darting her eyes between mine, her fingers nipped my skin as she curled them into my chest. She didn't use her voice, remaining silent as she gazed up at me.

Inside my head I was praying that she could feel the sincerity in my tone. She had to know that I meant every word.

Parting her lips, I didn't wait for her to speak. I kissed her. I kissed her so she could taste my love, I kissed her to remind her of what it felt like when we touched. I wanted her to remember the passion we shared and the feelings that came alive when we were together.

My muscles tensed as I anticipated a slap to the face or a punch in the gut. She didn't do either of those things. Cyprus kissed me back.

Her tongue slipped into my mouth, back arching as she lifted her hand to my nape. A hearty moan rolled from her mouth into mine as our tongues danced over ridges and tangoed together.

There were a million quiet words in my kiss. I love you, I need you, I can't live without you, you're my world, you're my life, without you I'm nothing. . .

Raw and greedy, I scooped her cheeks in my palms, forcing every last breath I had into that kiss. In the back of my mind I wasn't sure if that was going to be the last kiss we ever shared.

This isn't it, this isn't ending here. Not like this.

Cyprus dug her nails into my hair, scraping my scalp and sending chills down my spine. We were nothing but heavy breaths and soft moans as we lost ourselves to a hunger that wouldn't be satiated until it felt complete.

Cradled in my lap, I held her firmly, unable to let her go. She was my earth, my air, my everything. If she wasn't in my arms I'd be empty, if she wasn't in my life, I'd be no one.

Looking in her eyes, I watched the tears dry as need swept in taking full control. I could see it written all over her, she needed me as much as I needed her.

Pulling back, I tickled my fingers across her forehead, twirling a thick curl of her hair around my finger. “I love you, I'll never stop loving you. I just want you to know that.”

A soft smile spread on her lips as she touched my chin. “I know, Birch.” Lowering her hands to the edge of her shirt, she tugged it off, dropping it into a puddle on the floor.

Her nipples poked through her light pink, satin bra, as her stomach clenched and goosebumps jumped down her skin. My cock jerked, thickening and throbbing as I ran my fingers over her stomach.

Moaning, Cyprus closed her eyes and tilted her head. She was so fucking beautiful. That woman was my strength and weakness all rolled up into one. She could hold me up and tear me down in a snap.

Arching her back, I plucked her nipples through the bra and watched her body shudder. Fuck, I loved that. The way she wriggled and tensed when my hands were on her, it was fucking magic.

Grunting, I placed her down on the floor and climbed on top of her. Brushing my fingers through her hair, I kissed her throat. “Tell me you love me, Cyprus. Tell me you still love me.”

Her eyes glazed over, spearing my heart and making me sweat. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, or if she was about to cut me loose. I couldn't bear hearing the words if she didn't feel the same anymore.

“Birch,” she said, stroking my cheek with a gentle smile. “I love you, I can't pretend that I don't. I love you, that's why this all hurts so much.”

“I won't hurt you ever again, I promise. I'll tell you everything, I'll answer all your questions. Just promise me you won't give up on us.”

“Give up? It's not about giving up, it's about holding onto what I have.” Her thumb brushed the curve of my jaw, eyes soft and gentle as if she could see through my hardened shell. “But I'm holding on tight, Birch. I'm not ready to lose this, I can't just give up on what I feel. I won't give up on you, or on us.”

That was all I needed to hear. I had to hear her say she wasn't leaving me. I had to know that everything between us was worth the fight for her too. Because I was going to fight to keep her. Without both of us working to save it, we wouldn't stand a chance.

Love needed to be felt on both sides, otherwise it was a strong wind blowing away the world. I couldn't lose my world.

Pushing up her bra, I licked her nipples, suckling them hard. Cyprus moaned, pressing her tits harder into my face. Swirling my tongue around the hardened beads, I dug my fingers into her ribs.

I couldn't think straight anymore. The blood had poured from my brain and filled the aching muscle between my thighs.

All I could think about was proving my love to her and taking her body like she had taken my heart. I wanted to drive in deep, wash her soul in silky bliss, and make her forget everything she worried about.

Her past was a shattered piece of glass. But her future wasn't set in stone, it could be whole and full if she wanted it to be.

“Mm,” she cooed, her voice a whisper in my ear as I allowed myself to get lost in her.

Her hands found my neck, tearing my shirt over my head and digging into the flesh of my back. Her nails raked my spine as she rolled her head and rocked her hips beneath me.

Running my hand down between her breasts and to the hem of her pants, I popped the button, and slid the zipper down, slipping my hand inside. The diamond between her thighs was hot and wet, aching for my touch.

Flicking her panties to the side, I pressed her clit, forcing her to moan louder. It was fucking music to my ears. Every sound that spilled from her lips made my heart beat faster and cock throb harder.

I wasn't going to draw this out, I couldn't. I needed my woman.

Tearing her pants down on her legs, I ripped her panties off with a heavy growl. With nimble fingers, Cyprus tore at my jeans until they were free from my hips. Shuffling out of them, I kicked off my boxers and spread her legs open so I could climb between them.

Her eyes met mine and all I could see was the love she felt. She loved me for me, she loved me for everything we built together, and she loved me because we were meant to be.

Biting her bottom lip, she called me in with a single finger. Resting my forearms on either side of her head, she wrapped her hand around my dick and guided it into her hot center.

There was no resistance as I slipped inside her body with ease, her warm juice coating my skin and helping me along. Stilling above her, I pushed the stray curls from her face and held her eyes with mine.

“I love you, I love you so much it hurts.” Kissing her throat, I kept whispering my feelings into her ear with each thrust.

“I need you.” My hips shifted, pressing deeper.

“You're my everything.” I pulled out and drove in harder.

“Without you I'm nothing.” Like a piston I pumped and pulled, each thrust a devastating blow to her hips.

Wrapping her legs around my waist, Cyprus ground into me, rubbing her clit against my stomach and groaning with pleasure. Her body trembled as beads of sweat coated her chest and her nails scraped my skin.

I could feel the claws as they dug in, cutting me with soft scratches and turning my flesh red. Her moans grew louder and louder, her hips rocking and rubbing hard and fast. She was so close to coming and I was determined to come with her.

I wanted to share that release with her, to feel our bodies as they shook and pulsed when the orgasm reached its peak. I wanted to ride that high alongside her, just like we had for years.

Faster and faster I jerked my body, throwing my cock in with determined thrusts. I felt my balls draw up tight, and my stomach begin to tense as tingles swept through my muscles making me weak.

With one final thrust, my body stalled, and hot come spewed from my dick, filling her to the point I could tell it was dripping out. The warm liquid trickled down my shaft, dropping to the carpet.

Staring into her eyes, Cyprus lifted her head and kissed my lips. “I love you, Birch, nothing will change that.”

Smiling, I ran my fingers through her hair as I peered down on the only woman to ever make my heart skip a beat. “That's all I need. That's all I've ever needed.”

Rolling onto my side, I grabbed my shirt and passed it to her so she could wipe herself off. Our breathing was heavy and ragged, and the air was hot and thick. I could feel my knees as the sensations subsided, they were sore and tender, rubbed raw from the rug.

Twisting, I rested my hand under my head and looked down on her. “So where do we go from here?” I asked, running a finger up and down her ribs.

A thin smile spread across her cheeks as she looked off in thought. “I'm not sure. To be honest, I don't really know what to think about all of this.”

“It's not about what you think, it's about what you feel. What do you feel?”

Sucking in a breath, she let it out slowly. “I feel confused. I still feel hurt and betrayed. But I also know what this family has given me.” Rolling onto her side, she snuggled into my chest. “What do I do with that, Birch? How do I love and hate the only family I have ever known?”

“Will you tell me what you remember?”

“I can't.” Her face sunk into my arm as her eyes slammed shut. “I wish I didn't have this shit in my head. I wish I never remembered.”

“Was it the diary? Do you think that gave you your memories back?”

Shrugging her shoulder, her finger spun against my skin. “Maybe.” Tilting her head to look in my eyes, she asked, “How did the police never find it before? If it's been here, how did they miss it?”

I had to think about it before I answered her. That was a good question, one that didn't cross my mind until she asked it.

“My mother. . .” Pausing, I curled my arm under her neck and rolled onto my back to look at the ceiling. “My mom used to remove it from the house before a raid. We have a guy on the inside who would let us know when they were coming, and my mom would always make sure it was gone before they got here. That's why you were always sent off too.”

That's how they got it. . . That's how this shit happened.

That was the first raid we had since my mother passed away. The only reason they found it was because no one had warned us and no one was here to hide it. I felt sick to my stomach that something we had been through so many times before had been our downfall.

I still wasn't sure why my father never destroyed it. But then again, maybe it wasn't up to him. Maybe it was my mother who refused to let him, maybe she wanted a piece of Cyprus's past to still live on.

“Your dad went through a lot of trouble to hide me. And I'm still not sure I know why. He could have left me there, I didn't really know who he was.”

She's right. He could have left her there. . .

He said he was trying to fix it, and I believe him.

“Tell me what you remember, Cyprus. I need to know. All I know is what he told me, and that wasn't much. I want to hear what you saw, what you felt.”

My memory was one thing, but she had been there.

I trusted my father and what he said. But I only knew his side.

It was time for me to hear her truth, to learn about what it looked like through her eyes.