‘I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed.’
Sarah Dessen
From [email protected]étérinaire-saint-quentin-sur-aude
Subject: I fucked up – Part 2
Merde.
I think you might have been right after all – I do … like her. You know, possibly even Like her with a capital ‘L’. How did you work that out before I did?
Witch!!!
Don’t you dare laugh. In answer to your question, I suppose you can come down with Brad for a weekend to ‘inspect her’ soon, as you put it in your last email, but not yet. Give us a while. I don’t know how Poppy feels yet and to be honest I’m still working out how I feel.
There’s so much going on at the moment I don’t know if I’ve got anything left in me to give to a relationship. Also, I really don’t want to be ‘the rebound guy’ as you Americans put it. I’ve no idea if she’s still got a thing for that ex of hers. She must have been really into him if they were coming here to live together.
Leo
“So, what happened last night?” Joanna is peering at me suspiciously over her cereal bowl.
I managed to sneak back earlier as though I’d just been on an early morning walk with the little ones. No need to mention who else we went with, or what we might have got up to.
Joanna and I are having breakfast outside on the terrace. The morning sun is now high enough in the sky to bathe the front of Les Coquelicots with glorious sunshine. It’s that perfect temperature – just enough heat to make my skin glow and to warm my bones through yet not so much I need to grab the sunscreen. There’s a light breeze that caresses the trees, sending ripples of silver and green through the boughs, a contrast against the vivid blue of the cloudless sky. I suppose I ought to find out what sort of trees they are. I’ve been calling them my Monet trees because they look like the trees in some of my favourites of his paintings. I’ve never been too interested in the assigned categorisation or labels of things – I see in pictures, not words. In light and colour that dances in front of us like magic, ignored by all the people who go through life with their eyes half closed or focused inwards.
I feel the urge to paint the landscape twitching in my fingers, calling to me and waiting…
“Earth to Poppy.” Joanna laughs and breaks into my daydream.
“Sorry, late night.” I take a sip of orange juice and turn to her. “What were you asking again?”
“What you got up to last night? You know exactly what I’m talking about young lady.” Joanna raises an eyebrow in pretend mock reproach, the animation in her face transforms her. She’s really incredibly pretty, a light tan means she doesn’t need make-up. Today her long, honey-blonde hair is pulled up into a messy bun. Her stunning good looks are becoming obvious, especially now she’s smiling more, has shed her baggy layers to wear more revealing clothes and has lost the stress creases around her eyes. If she didn’t spend most of her time hiding here with me I think the men of St Quentin would be swarming around her.
I know she’s not ready to come out of hiding yet though. It reminds me of how it was with Treacle in the beginning when he still hid beneath the furniture but gradually made occasional forays to join in playing with the others. With each trip that didn’t end in disaster he grew in courage.
“What did I get up to last night? You mean other than getting lost less than a mile from my own home and having an emotional breakdown?” I roll my eyes. “Not to mention roaming the countryside in my PJs like a demented person?”
“Uh huh, apart from that.” Her lips twitch. “Someone had very red cheeks when they came in and I’m not talking about Treacle. It’s odd really, given it was a cold night.”
“Hmm,” is all I say but I can’t suppress a smile when I think about the very interesting way Leo made my body feel last night. When Joanna called out it felt just like being caught out by my parents, kissing a boyfriend after a date.
Boyfriend. Now there’s a label I’d rather not think about. I’ve never done, well, what we did last night with anyone I wasn’t absolutely sure was my boyfriend first. I suppose I’m a bit old-fashioned like that. Though not so old fashioned – I might have been easily persuaded to tear up all my rules if Joanna hadn’t interrupted us.
“Would it have anything to do with a certain smoking hot vet who lives next door and walked you home?” Joanna wiggles both her eyebrows comically.
I stick out my tongue at her and we both laugh.
“Fine,” Joanna smirks. “I’ll have to interrogate Treacle, get him to give me all the goss. After all he was your chaperone.”
I don’t tell her about the lake walk earlier, I’m not sure why. Maybe because it felt like part of pre-dawn magic, not quite real. Mostly because she’ll want to pump me for information and how I feel and all that. Frankly I’m a little too shell shocked to put what I’m feeling into words. Instead I immerse myself in decorating lists and to-do lists and all the other lists that control my world and give me a semblance of control.
I wouldn’t know where to start with a Leo list.
I am still feeling antsy and grumpy when Leo picks me up. I didn’t get time to sit in the sun today, what with one thing and another.
“I thought we’d go the scenic route given its still light.”
“Oh?” As I’ve no idea where we’re actually going that doesn’t mean much to me. I shrug. “Scenic is good.”
“So. What did you do today?” Leo is disgustingly cheery which makes me instantly distrust him. He clearly hasn’t been going through any internal angst at all.
It could be that he’s really not that into me or that he is totally confident of my feelings for him. Either way it makes him a cocky bastard.
I did say I was grumpy. Being out of control of a situation does that to me and I’ve had all day to worry about it. Not to mention all day thinking about how much I want to kiss Leo again.
Okay, more than kiss him.
“I went to IKEA with Joanna,” I reply with a sigh and pull a face because being in IKEA reminded me of being back in London, and not in a good way. Although at least given Joanna and I aren’t a couple we were spared the obligatory argument in the aisles.
The thing is I’ve quickly got used to the slow pace of life in St Quentin with its weekly market and relaxed cups of coffee sitting outside Jacob and Anya’s café. I now know most of the villagers at least to nod to and it’s been nice, feeling part of a community. Being thrust into the crowds of shoppers in Toulouse and herded around IKEA like sheep reminded me of London commutes and being invisible in my own micro-universe.
I don’t want to go back to a life where saying hello to a stranger might make them clutch onto their bag for dear life and think about calling the police. It took me a little time to adjust from being that person to being the kind who would say hello back and chat. The only thing I want to clutch hold of now is this life I’m building for myself in France.
Does Leo still want to undermine that?
“Why did you go then, if you enjoy the experience that much?” He laughs easily.
“Because I need stuff for the house and I’ve got to be practical and price things up. I think IKEA is my best option because most of my budget for the alterations is going to have to go on the plumbing. Talking of which do you know of a plumber you can recommend?”
“I could find one for you,” Leo replies slowly. “So you’re definitely going ahead with the Chambres D’Hotes?”
“Yup.” I turned to look out of the window as we leave the softer hilly curves of Aude for the jagged Pyrenean peaks of the Ariege. I’d rather look at the glorious scenery than at the inevitable doubt on Leo’s face. I have had enough of people who don’t believe in me in my life. I won’t let anyone discourage me from doing what I want this time.
“I’ll make some calls then,” Leo replies carefully.
I can’t help wondering if the caution is because he doesn’t want me to muck up the house he plans to buy back from me or because he senses that navigating my mood is as dangerous as a minefield right now?
I’m not entirely sure where my belligerence it’s coming from. Some of it stems from the pain of overdoing things today and not getting round to that yoga. But a large portion of the irritation is definitely masking fear of the out of control sensation that accompanies close proximity to Leo.
“Where are we going? Are you going to tell me?” I ask, the question coming out bolshier than I intended it to.
“I am taking you to the thermal baths at Ax-Les-Thermes. It’s a bit of a drive but I think you’ll find it worth it. You might find it helps if you’re, you know, having a bad day.”
Okay, so it seems he’s a nice cocky bastard. Damn. I’m going to have to stop being grumpy now and the irritability really was quite cathartic.
“Thank you,” I say quietly, because whatever Leo’s motives for this trip to the thermal baths are, in fact whatever his motives are full stop, this is exactly what I need today. Sitting in the sun has been helping my pain levels since I moved here but I’ve been doing too much work in the house. Quite what I’m trying to prove and to whom I don’t know but, in short, I’m over doing it.
A quiet sigh escapes my lips and I turn to Leo to make conversation. I really should try to get to know him. My body may be ready to offer itself up to him with unqualified abandon but, other than the confidences he offered about his childhood, I know very little about Leo. Maybe if I knew him better I wouldn’t be constantly second guessing his every move.
“So why did you make the move to become a vet when you have the vineyard and the estate in the family?” I turn my attention away from the breathtaking view and look at Leo. Admittedly the change in viewpoint is equally breathtaking but in an altogether different kind of way.
Leo blinks and there’s a shadow of a frown on his lips. I suppose my question did come out of nowhere, like I’ve decided to start interviewing him. Which I have, I suppose. Oh well, he’s seen me sodden with tears, beaten up by a miniature Yorkie who mistook me for a squirrel and with a black eye self-inflicted by iPhone … If he coped with all that he can deal with me being a bit random.
“I suppose you could say that I followed my heart,” Leo says. We’re on an empty, straight part of the road and he turns to glance at me in that intense way he has, of making me feel like this moment is all there is and, for him, this moment is me. “My sister Madeline was always the one who was most interested in the vineyard. As she found herself unable to leave home and needed to be there for Amelie it only seemed natural … with the right management things in theory should look after themselves. I always wanted to be with the animals. It’s where my heart lay. It’s where it lies.”
Leo’s frown deepens as he shrugs, I don’t suppose it was a popular choice. I know what it feels like to be under parental pressure to do something you don’t want to.
At least with my parents I didn’t have the weight family tradition added into the mix. I have had to deal with the weight of their disappointment though at not having a “proper” career.
Leo’s certainly demonstrated commitment for what he feels to be his vocation. I know how long it takes to train to become a vet in England and can’t imagine it’s any easier in France. And he gave up his practice in Paris to come home when his family needed him. All of this feels too personal to bring up now, certainly while the frown lines are there.
I’m pretty sure Leo’s parents are proud of him though. I remember his mother boasting about her son the vet, the day we met. I wonder if Leo realises it?
I imagine Leo as a little boy digging for his fossils and dinosaur bones and smile.
“What?” Leo’s glances over at me as though he sensed my smile.
“I was thinking about your dinosaur obsession when you were younger. You remember, you told me about it when you gave me my history tour?”
“The day you asked me if I planned to throw you off the mountaintop?” Leo’s lips curve into a grin and I’m pleased to have chased the frown lines away.
“Yes, that’s the one,” I smile back. “I was wondering if all those dinosaur bones gave you an interest in anatomy?”
“So, you’ve been thinking about me then?” The curve of Leo’s lips is a little too smug for my liking, but I let it go. “Anyway that day out was hardly a comprehensive history tour, more of an introduction. I think I need to broaden your education.”
“Oh really?”
“For someone whose history of the area has been gleaned purely from popular fiction, yes.” Leo’s lips curve into an affectionate, teasing smile that makes my stomach flip.
“Hey, I’ve been busy, moving house, moving countries, doing all that paperwork you French seem to love so much.” I cross my arms over my chest, pretending to huff. “And I’m still waiting for that tour of the chateau that your mother insists only you can give me.”
“I haven’t forgotten, you’ll get your tour soon I promise.”
Leo is tactful enough to omit to mention we haven’t exactly been on the best of terms recently.
“It’s okay. I assumed you’d been busy. You must have an awful lot to deal with at the moment. I’m sure it’s difficult,” I say lightly.
We’re now entering the main elegant square in Ax-les Thermes, bordered by cafés and shops.
Leo nods and then he surprises me by grinning ruefully.
“You’ve … not really caught me at my best since you moved here, sorry.”
The apology wrong foots me, I wasn’t expecting it.
“It’s okay, really I understand.” I want to reach out and touch him. I wish I could comfort him for the grief of his bereavements, the illness of his father, having to leave behind the life he’d built for himself in Paris … But there is still a gap between us, despite all the kissing. I wonder about his friends in Paris and whether he left behind a girlfriend.
Leo pulls his jeep into the car park behind the thermal baths and turns to look at me. It’s as though, in that moment of stillness, despite my lack of words, a world of communication flashes between us. In each other’s eyes we see only our naked souls. There’s no hiding, no need for words.
Just a sensation of connection that rocks me to me core. Because if I see him then he sees me…
I look away first, confused by my emotions. After misreading the signals with Leo last time I can’t be the one to take the initiative. I grab my rucksack and once out of the car we are assailed by the scent of sulphur, rising from the natural thermal springs bubbling up by the side of the baths.
As we walk to the main baths complex I feel that one, sort of, apology deserves one in return.
“I haven’t been at my best either Leo. Things have been … challenging for me too,” I say. “This was a nice idea of yours and I appreciate it, I know it’s a long drive for you when you’ve been at work all day. I suppose I’ve been doing too much lately. I think I might need to look at changing the way I do things, maybe pacing a bit better.”
I don’t like admitting any limits to Leo. It feels like owning up to vulnerability. I’m basically giving Leo the ammunition to tell me that I can’t do the guest house idea, that I can’t cope and I should pack up and go home … leaving him to buy the house back.
He doesn’t bite at the opportunity though.
“You’ll get there.” Leo stops and smiles at me, tenderly stroking the side of my face.
It’s an affectionate gesture that shouldn’t have the impact it does. As it is I feel almost weak at the knees with desire.
I wish I could understand what this means. I’m trying to reconcile the apparent change in Leo’s attitude towards me. If I asked outright would it help?
Maybe not. What if Leo is just as confused as me? Demanding an answer wouldn’t help either of us. Perhaps we are supposed to muddle through and the answer will become clear to us.
I hope so anyway.
Once I’ve changed into my bikini I head out into the thermal pool area which is divided up into various pools and stone basins of varying temperatures with Jacuzzis, a steam room and cold plunge pool as well as various jets and jacuzzis in the main baths to massage stiff necks and shoulders.
I find Leo waiting in the main indoor pool and feel his gaze travelling over my body as I slip down into the water quickly, suddenly self-conscious. Yet I’m just as curious, and I can’t help staring at Leo’s naked torso, at the dark line of hair snaking down from his chest into the waistband of his swimming shorts.
The temperature of the water is sublime, like a nice warm bath and it eases the tension in my muscles instantly. I swim over to Leo and then ease myself back into a water-jet that pounds and massages my neck, working out the kinks and tight spots.
“Feeling any better?” Leo asks.
“I’m getting there.” I move closer, relaxing into the arm he drapes around my shoulders. He pulls me against him and I feel so turned on, our bodies making contact beneath the water.
I am fizzing and jumping inside but trying to stay outwardly calm. I’m trying to breathe properly and failing miserably. All I can think about is that Leo is close but not close enough. That I could reach out and stroke his chest if I dared.
The tension between the two of us, wound with such precision by Leo, has me taut enough to snap. Is this part of his seduction, to render me senseless with longing with kissing sessions and then bring me here to relax before taking me to bed? I still don’t know if he is playing me or if I can totally trust him. The sensations in my body are driving me past the point where I care anymore.
We move to the Caldarium, a large stone basin where the temperature is more like piping hot bath water. I sink down with a sigh onto one of the seats, the jets in the corner massaging my spine. It’s not especially crowded this evening, not like it would be in ski season, but Leo sits close to me anyway with his body pressed up against mine. I am aware of every last millimetre of skin against skin. He slips his hand into mine and with his thumb he circles my palm, languorously and sensuously. The remaining physical tension in my muscles is dissipating and I’m slowly slipping into a sensual haze that suffuses my body. Heat throbs between my legs, flushes my skin and takes me to a place where there are no doubts, only certainty that I want to give myself to Leo.
I wish we weren’t in a public place. I suspect Leo is doing this on purpose, to soften my defences and tease me.
After we have cooled down in the outside baths I am feeling a thousand times better than when I arrived, both pain and stress relieved. At Leo’s suggestion we go upstairs to the adult only area where there’s a sauna, the Irlando-Roman baths and more outdoor baths.
The Irlando-Roman baths look intriguing- underwater reclined lounging seats with jets that massage the whole body. On one side of the steps, lying side-by-side on the recliners is a couple in a position that would raise a few eyebrows back home, but I guess this is one of the culturally different attitudes I’ve yet to acclimate to.
By the time we descend the steps to go to the seats in the opposite corner I am feeling decidedly … fizzy. Okay, so I’m turned on.
So very turned on.
When I lie down the sensation only increases as bubbles massage the length of my body and even up between my legs. Holy crap. If I just shifted a little I think I’d come here and now, Leo has me wound so tight.
By Leo’s wicked, amused smile I think he knows this. He lies on his side, watching me, lips quirking. He leans over to speak to me, the only way to be heard over the jets.
“Does this feel good? Are you relaxing?” His mouth is close to my ear and when his teeth graze my earlobe I’m startled by the ripple of desire that shudders through my body – starting small and then building into a crescendo of desire. I feel both relaxed and taut with arousal at the same time. He knows exactly how to turn me on.
“Do you think this is how you’ll feel when I’m kissing you all over?” Leo murmurs, his breath tickling my skin as he kisses along my jawline.
I manage a shaky nod before we’re kissing properly and I forget to care what anyone else might think. Leo is such a good kisser. I shift my weight to turn towards him which has the unexpected advantage of giving the jets better access between my legs. As Leo’s tongue rhythmically probes my mouth I feel an insistent, warm wave of pleasure building up between my legs and crashing through my body. Leo must sense me stiffen because he trails one hand down from my stomach and discreetly squeezes my hip as I come, shielding me from public view. I moan my release into Leo’s mouth and he holds me until the tremors subside and my body goes languid and limp again.
I bury my head against Leo’s neck, feeling suddenly shy and embarrassed. When I eventually meet his gaze it’s still knowing and teasing but his pupils are dark with arousal. I know he’s been turned on by watching me come.
“Feeling better?” He asks again, defying me to be embarrassed.
Oh well, they say “when in Rome,” and I am in a Roman bath…
“I’m great, thank you.” I’m also glad the water is hot enough to spare my blushes.
He grins. “My polite English girl.”
Gah, still with the thank you’s. They’re so ingrained in me I can’t help it. Mum would be so proud. On the other hand maybe not so much about what just happened.
“Oh, piss off.” I splash Leo. “I can be rude if you like?”
He laughs.
“I think I like.” He takes one of my hands and makes me move despite my protests. “Come outside and cool down.”
The outside areas upstairs are also adult only and a tier level above the main pools. Leo leads me to a corner alcove out of reach of the mirrors, although the mirrors are too misted up for the lifeguards or anyone else to see much of anything anyway. We aren’t the only couple enjoying the privacy by any means.
When Leo presses me back against the wall of a recessed alcove all I can do is feel.
Feel the smooth, hard, rock of the stone at my back.
Feel the cold, fresh air on my face and chest.
Feel the warm water lapping around my lower body.
But most of all I feel Leo – toned muscle pressing against my soft curves, his rough stubble lightly grazing my cheek and his fingers as they discreetly trace the line of my breasts and gently tease my nipples, already stiffening through my bikini top in the cold air.
I know now without a doubt I can never be satisfied again until I’ve had Leo inside me. It’s a certainty driven by need and want and agonising desire. It’s blind to any potential dangers behind Leo’s charms and doesn’t give a flying fuck about the potential awkwardness of living next door to Leo if or when this doesn’t work out.
He’s kissing my neck as I loop my arms around his shoulders and my legs up around his waist, feeling the hard bulge in his shorts pressing against me in a most delicious way. He holds me still, not moving, pinning me against the wall in a seemingly endless torture of denial as sexual desire flares between us.
It’s delicious, emancipating and empowering.
The fact that we can’t do more than this in a public place and have already done more than we ought makes the sensation all the more erotic. It’s borderline unbearable, tortuous of Leo to do this to me knowing we can’t take it further,
Not yet anyway.
Surely he’ll invite me back to his, or ask to come to Les Coquelicots? I know delayed gratification is meant to make the end result that much more enjoyable but a niggling part of me can’t help wondering if this is all part of Leo manipulating me.
Does he think he’ll get me so suffused with lust that I’ll agree to anything?
Then he unexpectedly grips my bottom and squeezes, sending a jolt of pleasure soaring through my body.
Okay, so maybe his plan has a chance after all.
But … no, not even for … Not … Thoughts struggle to penetrate the haze of longing. I would never agree to sell my home or the future I have dreamt about.
“Shall we go?” It’s as though Leo senses my thoughts and shifting mood. Perhaps he wants to capitalise before I shift too far away from him. As I dress in the changing area my hands are shaking so much it takes longer than it should. All the way home I’m convincing myself surely he’ll suggest we go back to his place. All that touching can only be going one place – bed. Or the sofa, or the rug in front of the fire, or in the shower. My mind has gone to all those places and a few more so when he stops his jeep at my gate, gets out, kisses me softly on the lips and then steps away I’m utterly thrown.
“See you soon Poppy.” Leo waves as he gets back into his car.
See you soon?! How can he not want … How?
My thoughts at the start of the evening were correct – he is a cocky bastard.
Is this his idea of a game? How on earth can he do all that and walk away? Even if he’s into delayed gratification It’s a sure sign that he is more in control than me which can’t be a good thing. The one with the most control holds all the cards, everybody knows that. And maybe he is manipulating me too who knows?
I feel confused and my skin feels bereft of his touch. It is only with a modicum of self-control that I stop myself from going after him and begging. I hover for one awful second, afraid I might do just that. Then I head towards Les Coquelicots, a mess of frustration and confusion.
I bite my lip, savouring the moment of silence before the dogs realise that I am home.
I wish I could pretend that this was all purely about lust and pheromones. But there’s more than chemistry at work here. There was that overwhelming moment of connection, not to mention the tug on my heart that goes out to Leo, to the man with the weight of the world on his shoulders and a well of sadness inside him. I want to share some of that load, to nurture and comfort him.
If he’d let me.
Big if.
I want him to know he isn’t alone. If he’s a man weighed down too heavily in the world, then I’m a woman with the tendency to fly too high towards the sun. It seems to me we could act to counterbalance each other.
Pausing at the door of Les Coquelicots I’m reasonably confident Leo wants to take me to bed, in his own, albeit twisted idea, of good time. But I can’t help wondering if he’ll shy from a relationship in the fear that it will be someone else wanting something from him. I get the sense he already feels as though too much is required of him and a relationship would be extra work he can’t deal with right now. I just wish I could show him that I want to give to him and not to take. That maybe, just maybe, I could actually help.
I sigh. Whether he’ll listen to me, who knows?
One of the reasons I came to France was not just for better quality of life but in the hope I’d be more connected to the world around me. No longer squashed into a London Underground carriage, crushed up against a hygienically-challenged passenger while everyone else remained doggedly in their own little worlds, immersed in their headphones or a book.
I rest my head gently against the front door before I insert the key and start a cacophony of barking. I have to start with being honest with myself. This isn’t just about really, really wanting sex but about the fact I think I’m falling in love with Leo.
“Crap,” I whisper and let myself in to be greeted by a mutt-mob.
Joanna follows them and raises a questioning eyebrow. “You’re back earlier than I expected.”
“Earlier than I expected too.” I sigh and drop down to the floor to allow the dogs to express their ecstatic relief that I have actually made it home and not abandoned them.
Confusion and disappointment roll over me like a wave of fatigue. Why would Leo wind me so tight just to deposit me without so much as a look back? I lean against the wall and look directly at Joanna.
“Why can’t a man…” I try to raise a smile.
“Be more like a dog?” she finishes with a grin.
She’d come into the kitchen the day I adopted Barney and had been so taken with my variation from the My Fair Lady “why can’t a woman be more like a man” scene that she’d made up her own set of lyrics.
“Why can’t a man be more like a dog?” She struts up and down the hall, doing a passable Henry Higgins impression and gets the dogs over excited. Treacle stays curled up on my lap but Peanut loves to show off and is soon dancing on her hind legs. Pickwick spins in mad circles and Barney sticks one ear up and one to the side as though listening intently.
“From the top then.” Joanna checks she has her canine audience engaged and that my lips are quirking into an involuntary smile.
“Why can’t a man be more like a dog?
Dogs are affectionate and love with such ease.
If you’ll just love them back they’re so easy to please.
And all they really want is a biscuit and a pat.
So why oh why can’t a man be more like that?”
By the end of her performance I’m laughing and get up off the floor.
Because that’s what you always do. You’re knocked down and you get up again. What other choice is there?
“Sod ‘em,” Joanna declares, swishing her honey-blonde ponytail empathetically. “Men aren’t worth the hassle, trust me.”
“Hmm, yes,” I reply distractedly, an erotic flashback to Leo pressing me against the alcove wall in the outdoor spa pool flashes into my mind, winding me with the force of the accompanying longing.
Joanna sighs. “Oh dear, you’ve got it bad then Poppy. I’m sorry sweetheart.”
Then she does something rare for her, she reaches across and squeezes my hand.
“You’ll be fine,” her tone is gentle.
“It’ll all come out in the wash…” I suggest. “And there’s plenty of fish, etc. etc. except who wants a bloody fish? I don’t even like fish.”
Joanna eyes me steadily. “Let’s have a nice cup of tea then. That’ll make everything better. Come on.”
“Make it one of your special hot chocolates and you’ve got a deal.” I follow her to the kitchen, wishing it were really this easy to shake off the terrifying knowledge that I think I am … that I am falling in love.
Isn’t falling in love supposed to feel nice and floaty? Not utterly terrifying like this … like stepping off a cliff. The French have it right – un coupe de foudre – a lightning bolt. Powerful, unexpected and should come with a health warning.
I’ve only gone and bloody fallen in love with the one man who made it clear on my first day he wants me out of St Quentin.
Maybe it’s just because we haven’t slept together? I haven’t felt like this before, what do I know? It could just be a case of getting something out of my system. But somehow I don’t think so.
A frightening thought occurs to me. What if Leo only wants to have sex with me to get me out of his system? And it works for him but not for me…
I shake my head and can’t help but think it’s much simpler for dogs – boy dog likes girl dog. Boy dog humps girl dog. Boy dog does not make girl dog wait in a frenzy of lust and excitement as some sort of sick power play game.
I shake my head and follow Joanna. This is not quite the ending I was hoping for tonight but I’m in my own house in the south of France about to have a hot chocolate in front of the fire with a friend and my furry pack.
So, if Leo doesn’t want me. Stuff him.