When Piper got home from work, she found Holly sitting on the doorstep. Piper’s first thought was that Connie had died and Holly had come to tell her in person, but before Piper even got close enough to ask, Holly stood up and said, ‘It’s okay. No one’s died.’

Piper appreciated the fact that her sister understood. But then of course she did, she’d gone through exactly the same thing. Although she hadn’t run away to London, she’d stayed behind and lived with Connie for a year after their parents’ death.

‘What’s happened?’ Piper said, as she opened the door and her sister followed her inside.

‘James has left me,’ Holly said blankly.

‘What?’

‘Yeah. He met someone else. They’ve been together for over a year, apparently. They’re very happy.’

Piper was absolutely gobsmacked. Holly and James had always seemed like the perfect couple.

‘Do you know her?’ she asked. She couldn’t think of what the natural next question should have been.

‘A little bit. I’ve been introduced to her at parties, that kind of thing. And I think she goes to the same gym. But I haven’t been going to the gym. Obviously.’ She pulled at the front of her size ten top. It was still baggy. Piper tried really hard not to react, but she obviously failed.

‘God, I know,’ Holly said. ‘But I’m not like you! I care what people think about me.’

‘Wow,’ Piper said. ‘Ouch.’

She wasn’t even really surprised - Holly had been making similar comments their entire lives – but she was kind of surprised that she was doing it now.

‘I’m sorry,’ Holly said. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. You always take it the wrong way.’

‘How should I take it?’ Piper said, incredulous.

‘I meant it as a compliment! Like… you give no fucks. In a good way. Everything I do, I do for someone else’s approval. Always have.’

‘Wait,’ Piper said. ‘This is… a lot. First of all: are you okay?’

‘Um. No. I’m definitely not okay. But I think… not because of James. I don’t think I love him. I’m not sure if I ever actually loved him.’

‘Oh what the fuck?!’ Piper said. ‘Seriously?’ She wanted to cry.

‘Yeah. I know. I thought I did, obviously. Or I told myself I did. I definitely wanted to. He was perfect. And he was nice to me. And he was rich, that didn’t hurt. But I never felt… a spark. We were comfortable. I was comfortable. But it always felt a bit like a business arrangement. I’d read about other couples and how they made each other laugh and were each other’s best friend, all that stuff, and wow, could not relate.’

Piper shook her head. ‘I thought you were mad about each other.’

Holly smiled tightly. ‘No. We were good together. I’m not saying we never had fun. But we haven’t had fun for a while. When he told me about her – she’s called Rachel – he said he thought we were fine and that he was happy with me until he met her and they started… whatever, that’s when he realised that’s how it should be. And that we’d never had it at all.’

‘Holy fuck,’ Piper said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘No.’ Holly shook her head. ‘It’s good, I think? It’s for the best. Maybe. Or it will be at some point. I mean, that’s not okay, right? I should want what he has now. I probably should have wanted it all along. I don’t know why I didn’t.’

Piper stared at her sister for a few seconds. She’d wondered, over the years, if she really knew her, if they really knew each other. It had bothered her that they weren’t close, had never really been close – she had friends whose sisters were their BFFs, who talked about how they couldn’t manage without them, how lucky they were to have them. After their parents had died, Piper had wondered if they might get closer, but they’d actually become even more distant and she hadn’t had any idea how to stop it, wasn’t even sure if she wanted to.

‘You know what we should do?’ Piper said now.

Holly looked up at her. She looked tired. But also hopeful.

‘We should go and get absolutely hammered.’

---

Piper rubbed her sister’s back as she vomited down the grid.

‘Oh fuck,’ Holly kept muttering. ‘Oh fuck.’

Piper swayed on the edge of the kerb, one hand on Holly’s back, the other holding her hair in a ponytail, but pieces kept escaping – it wasn’t long enough.

From the coffee shop, they’d gone to a tapas place and quickly moved from Coronas to Margaritas. It had been dark and noisy and Holly had talked about James and work and her house and her friends and while Piper hadn’t caught all of it, every bit she had heard had been miserable. Apparently, her sister had been deeply unhappy for a long time and Piper had had no idea.

‘I fucking hate throwing up,’ Holly said now, straightening up and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

‘I don’t think anyone likes it,’ Piper said.

Holly hooked her arm through Piper’s. ‘How far to your house?’

From the tapas place, they’d crossed the road to a cocktail bar Holly had said she’d read about in Time Out. It was dark and sort of sexy and Piper immediately imagined herself there with Rob, perched on one of the leather-topped barstools, Rob standing between her legs, his hands on her hips, giving her that cocky smile of his that made her want to bite him on the neck like a vampire.

They’d tried a couple of different cocktails – which Piper had known was a mistake, but Holly had been very determined – and had ended up with something called a Perfect Storm, which seemed appropriate.

‘My fucking life,’ Holly had said, holding up the glass.

‘What are you going to do?’ Piper had asked.

‘Fuck everything and start again,’ her sister had said. ‘Like you did.’

Piper helped her down the steps to her flat. She put the key in the door and Holly leaned heavily against her.

‘I really don’t recommend that,’ Piper said.

‘Have you got wine?’

‘You can’t drink wine now,’ Piper said, pushing the door open. It scraped against the tiles. ‘You need to go to sleep.’

‘I’ve been sick,’ Holly said. ‘I feel fine now.’

‘No,’ Piper said. ‘No way. I’m going to get you some water.’

Holly followed Piper down the hall, past Piper’s bedroom and into the lounge. She slumped down on the sofa and reached down to tug off her shoes. Piper got them both glasses of water and sat down on the sofa next to her, the water on the coffee table.

‘Drink some,’ Piper said. She felt more sober than she should have, considering what she’d drunk too. But she’d been drinking tap water as well. And she’d eaten before they’d met up – no doubt Holly hadn’t.

‘Are you hungry?’ Piper asked her sister. ‘Do you want some toast?’

‘What time is it?’

Piper glanced up at the Flap clock Matt had bought her as a housewarming present. ‘It’s only ten.’

‘Ugh,’ Holly said. ‘It feels later. Maybe one piece of toast. No butter.’

‘Oh fuck off,’ Piper said, getting up again and taking her own glass of water with her into the kitchen. ‘Peanut butter? Jam? Both?’

‘Oh god,’ Holly said. ‘Both. I’ve never tried that.’

‘Jesus. You haven’t lived.’

‘I haven’t! That’s what I’ve been saying.’ When she bit into the toast, she moaned and closed her eyes. ‘This is really good. It sounds gross. But it’s good!’ She opened her eyes, stared at Piper.

‘I know.’

‘Can I ask you something?’ she said, spraying crumbs.

‘Of course.’

‘So you just… eat whatever you want?’

‘God,’ Piper said, picking up her own piece of toast. ‘Yes. Pretty much.’

‘How?’

‘How?’ Piper frowned. ‘I just… I like food. I spent a long time trying to diet or “cut down” or “be good” or whatever and it’s all just bullshit. It’s just food. It’s not good or bad. Some of it is better for you, obviously, but there shouldn’t be any morality attached to it. Like, not having a piece of cake isn’t virtuous – it doesn’t make you a better person. If you’re hungry, you eat, that’s it.’

‘I was shitty to you when we were younger,’ Holly said.

Piper didn’t mention that she was still shitty to her pretty often.

‘Yeah,’ she said instead. ‘You were.’

‘It was just… everything seemed to be so easy for you, you know?’

Piper let out a bark of laughter before she could stop herself. ‘Are you serious?’

‘You were Mum and Dad’s favourite. Both of them. You did really well at school. You had these amazing friends. And I just felt like I was trying so hard all the time but never quite getting it right. And I never knew why.’

Piper shook her head. ‘I never knew you felt like that. I never had any idea.’

Holly smiled. ‘I used to want to ask you how you did it. But I didn’t want you to know I was faking fucking everything.’

‘I always felt I was faking everything too,’ Piper said. ‘But not even well. Like everyone knew I was faking badly.’

‘No,’ Holly said. Her eyes were starting to close. ‘No way.’

‘And I always thought you were Dad’s favourite,’ Piper said. ‘He talked about you all the time. He was so proud of you.’ Her voice cracked.

‘You too,’ Holly said. One eye was open, but the other was half closed. ‘I miss them so much.’

Piper nodded, swallowing. ‘You need to go to bed.’

‘I’ll sleep here,’ Holly said. She reached up and quickly wiped her face. ‘It’s okay.’

‘Give over. You can sleep in my bed with me.’

‘Is there room?’ Holly said. ‘I don’t mean because—Oh fucking hell. I just mean, is there room?’

Piper laughed. ‘There’s room.’

---

‘Jesus Christ,’ Matt said, as Piper opened the door. ‘What happened to you?’

Piper shushed him. ‘Holly’s here. She’s still asleep. We went out last night and it got messy.’

He followed her into the flat. She pulled her bedroom door closed on the way past.

‘I’m assuming you were the only one who got messy?’ Matt said, as Piper filled the kettle.

She shook her head. ‘Nope.’ She leaned closer to him so she could whisper. ‘James has left her. She’s quit her job. Everything is fucked up. She told me she was pretending all the time and was jealous of how easy everything was for me.’

‘What the actual fuck?’

‘I know. And she tried to get me to ring you and invite you over. She’s warm for your form.’

‘Never say that again. And let me repeat: what the actual fuck?’

‘I know.’ She took three mugs down from the shelf and dropped in teabags.

‘And here I was thinking I was bringing primo goss along with a maple bacon pancake.’ He held out a polystyrene box.

‘Fucking hell, Matt. You lead with the maple bacon pancake, god!’ She flipped the lid and her mouth immediately watered.

‘Should I go back and get one for Holly?’

Piper put the box down while she made the tea. ‘I doubt she’ll be up for a while. She puked outside the undertaker’s.’

‘Holly? Your sister Holly? Your goody two shoes, practically-perfect-in-every-way sister Holly?’

‘Yes. That one. And shush!’

‘I’m just struggling to get my head round it. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her looking slightly dishevelled, never mind puking—’

‘In a grid. Outside an undertaker’s.’

‘Is it wrong that I’m immediately finding her more attractive?’

‘Yes. You weirdo.’

They sat down at Piper’s small dining table with their teas, two forks, and the bacon pancakes between them. Saturday mornings with Matt were one of the very best parts of Piper’s life.

‘Did you go out last night?’ she asked him. ‘You look surprisingly bright-eyed.’

‘That’s what I was going to tell you. I went out for one. With Rebecca. And finished with her.’

‘Oh. Oh wow.’

‘Yeah.’ He folded a piece of bacon into his mouth.

‘How did she take it?’

‘She was… not best pleased.’

‘Oh no.’

‘Apparently she thought I was going to ask her to move in with me.’

‘What? Why?’

Matt shrugged. ‘I don’t actually know. She kept saying it was the next step and I was like… we’re really not there yet. I mean, even if I was happy with her I think it’d be too soon to move in, right?’

‘I think so? But I don’t know that there are actual timescales.’

‘Oh apparently there are. She said there are. And we were at the very least approaching moving in time. So.’

‘Did she cry?’

‘She cried. She yelled. She threw a drink at me.’

‘Oh god.’

‘And some crisps.’

Piper covered her mouth as she laughed. ‘Where was this?’

‘The Queens.’

‘Oh no.’

‘People stared.’

‘I bet they did.’ Piper dragged some pancake through the syrup. ‘How do you feel about it? Are you okay?’

‘I feel fine, actually. I mean, I feel shitty for upsetting her. But I felt less shitty as soon as she threw the drink at me.’

‘And the crisps.’

‘And the crisps. I’d been enjoying them too.’

Piper’s bedroom door creaked as it opened and Holly appeared. Her hair was matted to her face, and her eyes were still mostly closed. She was wearing a T-shirt Piper had given her and it hung off her thin frame. She saw Matt, squeaked with horror and disappeared back into the bedroom, slamming the door.

---

The next time Holly appeared, she was wearing her own clothes – a drapey black top with sheer sleeves over tight dark jeans. She’d brushed her hair and removed last night’s make-up – presumably with the wipes Piper kept on her bedside table. She looked younger and softer than she usually did. Matt looked at Holly then turned back to Piper and widened his eyes.

Piper got up, pushing her chair back. ‘Sit down, I’ll make you a tea. How do you feel?’

‘Not great,’ Holly said. She sat down on the sofa and stepped into her boots.

‘Sit at the table,’ Piper said. ‘I’ll make you some toast. Sorry, we’ve eaten all the pancakes.’

‘I can go and get more,’ Matt said. ‘They were really good.’

‘What were they?’

‘Bacon and maple syrup.’

Holly stared down at the floor and then said, ‘That would be great. Please. If you really don’t mind.’

‘I really don’t,’ Matt said, standing up. ‘I’ll be ten minutes.’

‘Wow,’ Holly said, once Matt had gone. ‘You two aren’t…?’ She waved her hand.

‘God,’ Piper said. ‘No.’

‘But you are seeing someone? Is it Robbie?’

‘Rob. And yeah. I guess. I mean, I’ve had dinner with him and… stuff. But we’re not, like, together or anything.’

Her sister stared at her for so long that Piper started to freak out.

‘You’ve always been totally yourself,’ Holly said. ‘I think I’ve always resented that. And now you’re actually going out with the boy you were crazy about as a teen.’ She shook her head. ‘I need some of whatever you’re on.’

‘You’re fine, Hol. You’ve always been fine.’

‘But I’ve never really been happy,’ Holly said.

Piper was shocked to realise her sister was crying. She hadn’t seen her cry since, well, since the funeral.

Holly scrubbed at her face with flat hands. ‘I’ve been thinking I should try to be less… me.’ She laughed. ‘I should try to be more like you.’

‘I don’t think—’

‘No, I don’t mean… I mean, you don’t have to worry about me. I just think… all this time I’ve been trying to be this perfect person and that wasn’t me. And I don’t even really know who “me” is. And so maybe I should try something different.’

‘You could try coming home,’ Piper suggested. ‘I’m going again next weekend.’

Holly winced. ‘I don’t think so.’

So maybe she hadn’t changed after all.