My treatment had begun. I was on a strong medication that made me feel confused and forgetful. Focusing on anything had become nearly impossible, which didn’t help me at all with the lessons I’d begun. The hospital insisted that if a patient was of the age to be in school, they had to adhere to a strict school schedule. I was learning so many things about Earth, but none of it really made sense to me.
Paula said I was only confused about what I was learning because of the medication. Dr. Larkin assured me that my body would adjust to the dosage he’d prescribed and that I would soon be feeling better than I had in a very long time. After I’d been on the medication for a few weeks, I was told it was time to start the ECT.
It was the worst thing I’d ever experienced. I was taken into a cold, sterile room that only held a machine with multiple dials and a bed. When I laid down on the bed, Paula gently strapped my arms, hands and ankles down with thick leather restraints. My heart rate picked up and I thought I was going to scream.
Paula stroked my hair and gave me a sympathetic look. “Try to stay calm, Delia. I know it’s scary, but it won’t last long. I’m going to put this in your mouth to keep you from biting your tongue.”
I held my teeth together tightly as I regarded the object she held in my line of sight. It looked like a crude outline of a human jaw. There were valleys sculpted to fit my teeth on the top and bottom. I gave my head a shake as a tear escaped my eye.
“Oh, honey, I know. I’m sorry.” Paula leaned closer and whispered in my ear, “If it were up to me, we wouldn’t be doing this at all.”
Dr. Larkin pushed through the door before my nurse could say anything else. “Are we ready, nurse?”
I stared into her eyes before releasing my jaw and allowing her to force the mouth guard in. The doctor stuck something on either side of my head and instructed the nurse to step back. I closed my eyes tightly, which allowed a few more tears to trickle down both cheeks. I tried to take a calming breath, but was interrupted by a strange vibration that burst through my skull.
White light filled everything. It was all I could see, feel, hear and think about. It stopped. Glimpses of the blurry room appeared amidst the blotchy white that still danced in my vision. A high-pitched sound filled my ears and my head felt as though it may burst. I wanted to beg them to stop, but the thing in my mouth kept me from speaking. It wouldn’t have mattered because the white filled everything again. I don’t know how many rounds I had to endure before I lost consciousness, but I woke hours later in my room with Paula sitting on the end of my bed.
“Water.”
The nurse quickly filled a plastic cup and held it to my lips. She helped my shaking hands keep it steady enough to take a drink. The cool water sloshed around in my mouth before mercifully flowing down my throat. I drank greedily until the cup was empty.
“That is one of the more common after-effects of ECT. It’ll be better soon, I promise.”
I looked at her in confusion. I knew who she was, I knew she was there to take care of me. But I was having trouble remembering what had happened to me. She must have registered my confusion because she gently stroked my hair, pushing it from my face in an attempt to soothe me.
“What do you remember, dear?”
My throat was raw, so I knew my voice would be unstable at best. I shrugged. “I don’t really know. I know I don’t belong here, but that’s about it.”
“What do you mean you don’t belong here?”
“This place, whatever it is, isn’t my home. I want to go home.” I felt a sob rising in my throat and fought to hold it back. I failed.
Paula rubbed my back tentatively. “It’ll get better, I promise. Tomorrow you’ll have another therapy session and begin hypnosis. We won’t do another ECT until the end of the week.”
I let the sobs take over. They were going to make me feel like this again? I buried my face in the pillow and cried myself to sleep.
When I woke, it was dark in my room. The small window that allowed bits of natural light to pour into my artificially lit room showed no signs of daylight. Night had fallen and I was wide awake. I noticed a book sitting on the table next to me and scooped it up. Inside, I found lines filled with writing. As I began to read, I was glued to the story. It seemed familiar, like a fuzzy memory desperate to become clear. Bits of it filled me with longing for a home I couldn’t quite remember. The emotions were almost too much; I was confused and heartbroken, and I couldn’t figure out why.
I put the book in the table drawer and closed in softly. With a sigh, I reminded myself of my identity. “My name is Delia. My parents are dead. I need to go home...I just don’t know why.”
“How are you feeling this morning?”
The doctor’s voice was like a rock being bashed into my skull. I kept my eyes lowered to avoid the harsh light overhead.
“Perhaps it would be better if I turned off that light and opened the curtain by the corner.”
I nodded my head in agreement, but even that small movement sent a throbbing through my head. I closed my eyes and waited until I heard the small click of the switch. The relative darkness instantly relieved some of the pain I was experiencing. He opened the curtain just a sliver to allow some of the outside light to invade the room. It provided just enough illumination to see my surroundings clearly, but not so much that it caused me further pain.
“I understand the nurse gave you a pretty strong pain reliever with your medication this morning. It should be kicking in soon.” He regarded me quietly for a few moments before continuing. “Do you understand what we’re going to do today?”
I shook my head. I’d been told we would be using hypnosis to help me regain some clarity, but I was so lost I didn’t know what needed clarification. I also had no idea what hypnosis entailed. The only thing Paula told me was that it wouldn’t hurt.
“I’m going to have you lie down on the couch and take some deep breaths. All we’re going to do is focus on a time when you felt safe.”
I followed his instructions and tried to force myself to focus on something safe. Tiny flashes of memories flipped through my mind, none of them staying long enough for me to make sense of them. As I breathed in and out slowly, Dr. Larkin spoke in a soft, reassuring voice.
“As we begin to visit your memories, I want you to do me a favor and squeeze my arm if you get scared. I can guide you away from things that cause you concern, but only if I know what you’re facing. Are you ready to begin?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, imagine a blank space, nothing but black should surround you. Remember to breathe, in and out, in and out. Now, picture a face, someone you trust. Who do you see?”
The face began to form before I even tried to think about it. Gray eyes were outlined by distinct wrinkles, the kind that indicate a life filled with laughter. Salt and pepper hair spread across the prominent cheekbones until a finely trimmed beard covered his cheeks and surrounded his lips. The same color spread across his head until thick waves flowed gracefully around his crown. The crown was made of gold with jewels of varying hues encrusted in the precious metal. His white, but somewhat overlapping teeth appeared as he smiled at me.
“Who do you see?” Dr. Larkin asked again.
“My father.”
“Good. And, where are you?”
The scene around us morphed from black to a familiar setting. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the intense green grounds I used to roam with my father. He held my hand tightly as we wandered across the garden, picking flowers.
“We’re in the garden.”
“Where is the garden?”
I began to see more than what was immediately before my eyes. The garden spread, and the darkness disappeared, like a cloth being pulled away. To my right, slightly uphill, sat my home.
“In the courtyard of the castle.”
“Where is the castle?’
I struggled to see beyond the castle, to see the area that surrounded it. There was nothing else.
“I don’t know. It’s just there.”
“What does it look like?”
“It’s beautiful. The castle walls are made of what seems to be a random combination of precious gems, but I know they were chosen for a reason. It doesn’t look like it was built, it looks like it grew from the ground.”
“What time of day is it?”
I looked up at the sky. The bright pink, orange, and yellow hues seemed to mix and move. “It’s daytime. The stars are out.”
“You can see the stars during the day?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
“Let’s change focus a bit, I want you to imagine a door. On the other side of this door will be a painful memory. I want you to think of your parents’ death and let it wait for you on the other side.”
I furrowed my brow. I didn’t want to think about that. They died, that was all I needed to know. “No. I don’t want to.”
“You must, I believe it will help you.”
I took a deep breath and focused on creating a door. It appeared to build itself from the ground up, starting with the frame and ending with the arched top. Hesitation slowed my step as I began walking toward the door. I still clung to my father as though I could take him with me to face the unknown, but as soon as I opened the door, his hand was ripped from my grasp and everything went black. I started to panic until another face appeared next to me.
“Taeren.”
“Tell me about Taeren.”
“I don’t know. I think he was my friend. He was supposed to protect me.” I examined the young man in front of me, he had turned to look at something else and was blocking me from viewing it.
“We need to find your parents.”
“I can’t he’s in the way. He’s supposed to protect me.”
“You need to see past him.”
I strode to the soldier who was not much older than I was and peered around his broad frame. I didn’t know what I’d expected to find, but what I saw didn’t feel right to me. My parent bodies lay broken and bloody on the ground.
“They’re dead.” I cried as I squeezed my hand on the arm I was clutching.
“How did they die? Did you see?”
I shook my head. “No. They’re just dead. There’s blood everywhere and they don’t look normal. Their bodies are twisted and broken.”
“Okay, I think that’s enough for today. I’m going to count to five, and when I finish, you will wake up and be able to remember what you saw.”
“One.”
Taeren was pulling me away from the scene.
“Two.”
I tried to keep up with my protector as he rushed in the opposite direction.
“Three.”
My heart rate accelerated as I lost sight of Taeren.
“Four.”
Everything around me began to fade into nothingness.
“Five.”
I was fighting against the tears forming in my eyes. I still held Dr. Larkin’s arm, his kind eyes regarded me with curiosity. When I released his arm, white outlines marked the presence of my fingers and tiny red crescents left evidence of my nails digging into his skin. I sat up on the couch and looked around the room. Nothing had changed since I’d laid down, but inside my head, things were very different. I was more confused than ever about who I was and how I came to be in this cold and strange place. So many details were missing, but I knew my life had been something extraordinary.
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Larkin shocked me from my reverie.
“I’m fine.”
“I’m going to ask you a few questions, then we’ll be done for the day.”
I nodded my consent and waited for his questions to begin. There was no way I would be able to give him answers to things I didn’t understand myself, but I would do my best.
“Tell me about the sky. You said it was day time but you could see the stars.”
“Yes. Night is completely dark, there is no light in the sky during the night.”
“I think you must be confused. At night, the stars are visible, so is the moon. During the day, you can see the sun.” Dr. Larkin said this slowly as though explaining something to a child or simple-minded person.
I shrugged. “I don’t know what those words mean.”
The doctor stood and went to the window. He pulled back the curtains, letting the light from outside pour into his office. With a gesture of his arm, he insisted that I come and look outside. I was irritated, but didn’t dare show him that for fear of another injection meant to calm me. When I got to the window, I narrowed my eyes against the overwhelming light.
The sky was blue. There were white fluffy things floating in the sky and something bright shining down from high above. I shook my head, trying to reconcile what I’d seen in my memories with what I was staring at in that moment.
“That, is the sun.” He gestured toward the intense pinpoint of light. I peered at it, trying to get a closer look. “Well, don’t look right at it, that can hurt your eyes.”
When I looked away, an angry red ball followed my vision wherever I looked, as though it had been burned into my eyes. I turned to look at the white puffs of smoke that hung in the air with no visible source of fire, other than the sun.
“What are those?” I pointed.
Dr. Larkin quickly turned a chuckle into a cough before he answered. “Those are clouds. Here, let’s sit down again.”
“I don’t remember the sky looking like that.” I told him, biting my lip.
“I have a feeling you didn’t get out much when you were a little girl. I don’t know that you saw the sky enough to recall what it looks like.”
Dr. Larkin seemed to know more about me than I did. I waited for him to continue with his explanation or to ask another question, but he didn’t say anything. He stared at me for an uncomfortable amount of time before scribbling on his strange gray rectangle.
“You said Taeren was your protector. How long did you know him before your parents died?”
I thought for a moment. “We met when we were children.”
He wrote something down and furrowed his prominent brow. “You seem to remember him so clearly, it makes sense that you were childhood friends.”
“We played together a lot when we were younger. I don’t remember why, but he came to my family that day and was supposed to keep me safe.”
“Interesting.” He scribbled again.
“Are we done? I’m tired.”
He nodded, clearly preoccupied. “Yes, we’ll take a break tomorrow. You’ll resume ECT the following day.”
I made my way to the door, pausing before I opened it. With my hand on the lever, I glanced back at the doctor. He pursed his lips, completely lost in thought. As I tugged the door open, I tried to remember my father’s face, but only managed to recall his eyes. I quietly closed the door behind me as a single tear ran down my cheek.