Chapter 37

A few weeks after we return to school, I finally feel ready to resume my daily run with Ethan. The recovery from my surgery took longer than we expected. At first, I got winded just walking up the stairs to my room. My tennis shoes sat next to my bed as a hopeful hint, placed there by Ethan after my discharge. “Baby steps,” I’d told him. In the beginning, that’s exactly how it felt; a baby could have outrun me.

But by the end of the first week, I don’t need to take breathers every few minutes. And by the end of the second, my energy level rises. I’m starting to get restless.

Ethan looks surprised when I knock on his door and hold up my running shoes.

“It’s going to rain,” he says, glancing at the forecast on his computer screen.

“So what?” I say. “It’s never stopped us before. Rain doesn’t change the rules, remember? Only you can do that.”

I think he misses the joke, but he smiles anyway. “I’ll get my shoes.”

The air is heavy with the smell of a coming downpour, but the earth is dry when we set out. We run quietly for a few minutes, but to my surprise, it’s Ethan who eventually breaks the silence.

“Why did you split up with Liam?”

I jog for a few moments before I answer. “Why do you think I broke up with him?” It isn’t a fair question, especially for my brother who isn’t the best at predicting or understanding romantic relationships. But then, he’s still in a relationship, while I’m the one pathetically staring at my ex-boyfriend’s back and trying not to cry.

“Did Liam cheat on you? Or lie to you?”

“No. Of course not.”

“So what did he do?”

I shake my head and slow down to a walk. It takes me a moment to catch my breath. “We wanted different things,” I say finally. “And he was leaving town in a few months. It wasn’t going to last.”

“Okay.” He hesitates and then turns to look at me.

“Does that answer your question, Ethan?”

“No.”

I laugh and shake my head. “Well, it’s the best that I can do.”

“But he wasn’t leaving today. You could still be together until he goes.”

“I know.” I sigh. “But we’d always know that the end was coming. And it would ruin whatever we had left.”

“Why?”

“Because it just…would. It’s hard to explain. Wouldn’t it bother you if you knew that you and Hope were definitely going to break up at a certain date?”

“No. Every relationship breaks up eventually. We’re all going to die. And you, as a female in the United States, have an average life expectancy of eighty-two years. Which is nine hundred and eighty-four months.”

“Okay. So?”

“So if you can be happy for six of those months, why wouldn’t you be?”

I stare at him for a moment. “I…I never thought about it like that.”

“Well, that’s how I think about it.”

I study him quietly for a minute. We’ve stopped in the middle of our run, and he’s bouncing on his heels impatiently, staring off at some point behind my tennis shoes; his chapped fingers tug nervously at his jacket hem. On the face of it, he seems shut off in his own world, oblivious to everyone around him. But he isn’t. He’s closer to me now than I’ve ever been to him.

“You know what?” I say. “You and Hope aren’t so different.”

He nods and his eyes flicker up to meet mine. “I know. I made it to the bottom of the list.”

He hadn’t just made it to the bottom of the list. He’d blown us all away.

“I’m going to take your advice,” I tell him. “I’ll talk to Liam.”

It doesn’t seem like such a crazy idea, suddenly. I’d found a space for myself between my warring parents, hadn’t I? They were both right and wrong, and I was discovering a way to love them both. What if there was a gray area between this black and white too? A friendship after a breakup might be too much for both of us—if Liam stayed in Montana. But what if it was a long-distance friendship? We still cared about each other. Did I have to stop caring about him because he was a thousand miles away? He was eventually coming back. That could be the start of a whole new adventure for us.

Ethan and I start off again, and we jog side by side in silence while I think about my last conversation with Liam. It isn’t the most encouraging memory. He’d been really polite, but so, so guarded. “I’m still scared,” I admit after a moment. “I’m not sure what Liam wants now.”

“He wants you,” he says. “Hope told me.”

I can’t help laughing at the matter-of-fact way he says it.

“Well, thank you for talking to me about this.”

“You’re welcome.”

“And you can add that to your points, right? You’ve just discussed somebody else’s problems.”

“Yeah, that’s true!” he remarks, with a pleased smile. “That’s not why I asked, though. I really wanted to know.”

We’ve slowed down outside of Manny’s Ice Cream Shop, and I take the opportunity to stretch my aching legs.

“We should head back soon,” I say. “I told Mom I’d start dinner.”

“Make it a high-calorie one. She promised me that she would actually eat today.”

“I think she’s finally getting better. And she’s been taking her meds religiously, did you know that?”

“I know. I’ve been counting them.”

“Me too!” I chuckle to myself. “I guess she’s paranoid that we’ll ask Dad to come back if she gets sick again.”

“Probably.”

“Speaking of which,” I say after a short silence, “Dad’s invited me to come visit him for spring break. I know he asked you to come too.”

“Yes.”

“So I’ve been looking at tickets for both of us. You can take the first flight, if you like. Stay with him for six days and then come back. Then I could fly out there for the end of the break.”

He seems confused. “You’re not coming with me?”

“I wasn’t planning to. I thought that you wanted to do this alone. Be independent from your sister. That’s been the point all along, hasn’t it?”

“No. It hasn’t.”

“Really? Because I was just trying to make you happy.”

“Okay.” His brow wrinkles, and he drops his head so his hair falls over his face. “Rain?”

“Yeah?”

“Secret Rule?”

My voice catches on the words. “What can I do to make you happy, Ethan?”

“You can come with me to DC,” he says. “That’s what I want.”

“Okay,” I tell him. “I’ll buy the tickets tonight.”

“Thank you.”

It’s started drizzling, and I’m about to suggest hurrying back when Ethan suddenly steps forward, and silently, abruptly, throws his arms around me. I stop breathing for a moment; my arms are limp and heavy, frozen at my sides, my mouth is hanging open in surprise. Then, very cautiously, I raise my arms and wrap them around his shoulders. It’s an awkward and short embrace, yet it’s the sweetest hug I’ve ever gotten. I have to blink away my tears before I let him go, or he’ll think he has somehow made me sad.

“Secret Rule?” I whisper as I step away.

“What can I do?” he asks me.

“Tell me what you’ve been studying today. I want to hear about it.”

He smiles broadly. “Brain transplants.”

“What? You’re kidding! That’s actually possible?”

“No! Of course not!” He bursts out laughing, and suddenly his whole body is shaking, he’s doubled over with hysterical glee. I feel my face flush red, and I give him a playful shove to hide my embarrassment.

“That isn’t fair, Ethan!” I protest over his peals of laughter. “I always believe everything you say. I don’t know what to expect from you anymore!”

He takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Well, maybe that’s what I want,” he says and breaks into a run.