HANNAH
GUILT ASSAULTED ME AS I hung my head over the toilet bowl and did my new nightly day’s purge, while Jamie rubbed my back and offered to take me to the doctors for the third night in a row. I wasn’t ready to have a doctor tell me what I didn’t want to admit to myself, and I definitely didn’t want Jamie to know. If he found out, then there would be questions, and I sucked at lying, especially to my best friend. I had a huge…no, massive secret already, and by some miracle I had been keeping it from Jamie for close to two and a half months. On top of that, I now had this new secret that also affected him.
God, my life sucked. Just when I thought I had everything going for me, my job that was paying for me to go to technical and further education, aka (TAFE) to study aged care, and my new house with Jamie away from my shitty parents, this happened.
Once I thought the content of my stomach was empty, I fell back into Jamie’s embrace and let him help me stand and get me to my bed. I collapsed onto my bed and curled into a ball. Jamie, careful not to jolt the bed, got on and stroked my back. Damn, he was going to make some lucky woman happy. Jamie and I had moved into a small two-bedroom cottage style house in between the university for Jamie and the TAFE for me, a little over three months ago. We’d had a house warming party two and half months ago, and that's how I ended up in the situation I was in; avoiding acknowledging the truth...I was pregnant. I shuddered as I finally thought of the word.
I had no idea what I was going to do.
I’d been in love with Jamie’s dad, Adam, for as long as I could remember. He'd been a bad boy as a teen, and gotten a girl two years older than himself pregnant. The girl didn’t want a baby, but even at sixteen, Adam stepped up and became an amazing father with the help of his family. Jamie’s grandparent’s and great grandparents were beyond awesome and I loved them, they had unofficially adopted me when I started hanging around Jamie in kindergarten. I'd never left his side, even when we hit the age that sleepovers in the same bed should have stopped for us. I never stopped sneaking into his house and staying over. In the end, Adam gave up and just let me stay. It probably didn’t help that when he tried to get in contact with my parents, they were never around.
Everyone always thought Jamie and I would end up together, but I just didn’t see him at all like that, he’d always been like the brother I never had. I cringed as I realized that with being pregnant with his little brother or sister, and being in love with his dad, I was more like a step-mother.
“That’s it. Your whole body is shaking. We’re going to the doctor’s now.” He eased off the bed, and I knew if I didn’t tell him he would take me even if he had to carry me—and he could because he took after his father’s Tongan side.
“No. Jamie, no. What I have, should go away in a couple of months, or so I’ve heard, although, this isn’t the morning.”
“What are you talking about, Hannah?” He knelt down on my side of the bed to look me in the eye.
Groaning, because I so didn’t want to say it out loud, I mumbled, “I’m late by almost two months.”
His face went blank, the concern leaving his eyes as his lips thinned. I watched as it dawned on him what I was saying. “Who the fuck was it? I’ll kill the fucker.”
Holy crap, I so couldn’t tell him who’d knocked me up. I studied his angry face, his eyes flared with sparks, and his lips turned down in a snarl as his eyebrows furrowed. He stood, and I swore he grew in height, weight and muscle. His fists were clenched at his sides, and I couldn’t remember ever seeing him this angry, or just downright terrifying.
Not meeting his gaze, I looked down at my quilt, picking a nonexistent piece of lint off it. “It’s no one you have to worry about.” That was true. I knew that his dad, Adam, would take responsibility if he found out, but I wasn’t ready to tell him. I hadn’t heard from Adam, and I’d barely seen him since we spent the night together. He was gone when I awoke. Sure, I could have gone to Sunday family night dinner at Jamie’s great grandparents, but I was ashamed of what I’d done. I’d thrown myself at Adam. I’d told myself the next day it was the alcohol that made me brave enough to finally seduce him, but I really didn’t have that much, only a shot of tequila and a beer that I’d nursed when people first started arriving for the party.
“That’s not a fucking name, Hannah. Who did this?” He ran his hand over his shaved head. “I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.”
“I’m not.” Crap, I should have just kept my mouth shut. At that information, he smashed his hands together and cracked his knuckles. Yuk, he knew I hated that sound.
Jamie paced back and forth in front of where I lay. I watched, and tried not to compare him to his father but I failed, they were so alike, yet so different. Adam was taller than his son at six and half feet, where Jamie was just six-two. Adam’s skin was very dark olive, true to his Tongan birth. He had the thick curly black hair, whereas Jamie’s hair was black, but not the jet black of his fathers', or curly when he didn’t shave it all off. Their eyes were different too, Jamie had light brown eyes, whereas Adam’s took my breath away. They were a rich, dark chocolate that deepened and lightened with his mood. Their lips were both plump and full, but their noses were different, Jamie’s was smaller, and not wide whereas Adam’s was bigger and fit with his big, island man look. Adam’s job kept him in shape too, Jamie was big from football, but Adam’s bulk was from manual labor. Adam owned his own gardening and landscaping company. Jamie was studying to be a nurse and playing football. Jamie was very attractive and women were always throwing themselves at him, but he had nothing on Adam. My girly sigh as his image floated in my head turned into a groan as my stomach rumbled.
Jamie stopped in front of me. “You’re keeping it aren’t you?” I didn’t even answer him, all I did was raise my brow. He’d been my best friend since I was six, he should know me by now. He threw his hands up in the air in a huff and growled. “Stupid question. I should have known. You love the little thing already, don’t you?”
I nodded, as much as I didn’t want to admit that I was pregnant, I already loved my baby. He or she would be my family, and I would give it everything I never had, starting with unconditional love. I slowly sat up on the bed. After voicing the truth out loud with Jamie, and really thinking about it, I started to feel better. I covered my stomach and smiled, I knew that everything would work out. I lived in a country that had a system that made sure I would have money and a place to live thanks to Centerlink, and I knew the place I lived now with Jamie would do for awhile. I had a job that there was always plenty of work, thanks to the aging population. I would be okay. I could do this. I smiled at Jamie, so grateful for him, and wondered why I’d waited so long to tell him and sort through my worries.
“Argh, I can see you just figured it all out. You did your ‘it’s all going to be fine’, look.” He shook his head and came to sit on the edge of the bed. “You’re right. It’s all going to be fine. No matter how badly I want to find out who did this to you and beat the crap out of him, I know you’ll tell me when you’re ready. If the guy doesn’t want to help, we can bring this baby up just you and me.” He leaned over stroked my cheek.
Throwing myself at him, I wrapped my arms around him, my nausea gone. “Thanks. Let’s keep this quiet for now. I will tell you who the father is, just give me time, please.” I squeezed him. “I love you.” I did love him, as a brother and as a best friend. I wasn’t in love with him like I was with his father, Adam Tupou. I just hoped Jamie would forgive me for seducing his father and giving him a baby brother or sister. Oh God, what if he didn’t? What if he never spoke to me again? What would I do? Jamie was my best friend, and as much as I was in love with his father, I was so nervous that I would lose Jamie. My stomach churned and I prayed for the first time I could remember that everything would work out.
“I love you, too.”
ADAM
I WAS BEING AN ARSEHOLE. I sat outside of my son’s and Hannah’s house debating if I should turn around and keep trying to ignore what had happened. I knew I couldn’t though, I wasn’t fucking sleeping—all I saw when I closed my eyes was lust-filled green eyes, full plump lips as they opened in ecstasy, and her perky full breasts bouncing as I made love to her, over and over. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was day dreaming too, like some teenage kid with his first love. I couldn’t stop thinking about Hannah.
I had been avoiding her, trying to sort out my feelings, but I had noticed she hadn’t sorted me out. She hadn’t been to Sunday family dinners or been around anywhere I was. At first, I thought she was doing the same as me, figuring out feelings, but after a month passed and she still wasn’t around, I started second guessing my own feelings and what I should do. I loved Hannah, but was I in love with her? That was what I stewed over. When I finally figured out how I felt, I then fretted over how it was going to affect my relationship with my family, especially my son, who I knew thought he was in love with her.
It was now over two months, and I knew I was just stalling and needed to talk to Hannah. Tonight though, I was taking Jamie out for a father/son celebration. He'd been offered a contract to play pro-football and I couldn't be prouder of him. I was hoping I could feel out if he still thought he was in love with Hannah.
Getting out of the car, I pressed the button to lock it, and fishing out their house key, opened the front door, and yelled inside. “You ready to go, Jamie?”
I got no answer and ventured further into the house, not finding anyone in the kitchen, dining, or living room. I made my way down the hall to the bedrooms and called out again. “Jamie? You ready to go?”
I was surprised when I found Jamie coming out of what I now know is Hannah’s room. I had thought the bigger room with the ensuite would be Jamie’s, because I knew he was paying more rent than Hannah, but I should have known he’d give her the bigger room with the attached bathroom. He wasn’t dressed ready to go out, and the more I studied him, the more I could see he was angry, not just angry, but pissed. Worried something had happened to Hannah, I rushed toward her room, only to be stopped by my son.
“Leave her, Dad. Give me ten, and I’ll be ready.” I watched him clench and unclench his fists and I could see the flashes of anger in his gaze.
“What’s going on? Is Hannah okay?” My heart raced as my mind conjured up all the things that could have happened, Hannah caught late at her job and being attacked waiting for the bus and getting hurt, or could she have gone on a date and it not ended well? I hoped she hadn’t gone looking for her parents again. Fuck, what was wrong? I pushed against Jamie, determined now to get to Hannah. Jamie pushed me back towards the living room, and I let him seeing the need in his face to talk, but not where Hannah could hear. Curious and eager to find out what was going on, I tried to keep my patience.
Once we reached the kitchen, Jamie punched the granite counter tops. “Fuck. F…u…c…k.”
Raising a brow at my son’s release of anger, I sought answers once more. “You gunna tell me what’s got you in this mood now?”
Jamie grunted. “Some motherfucker got Hannah pregnant, and from what I’ve gotten from her, it’s someone I know, because it happened at the house warming party.” He rubbed his head. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Dad, what am I going to do?”
My whole body froze. My heart beat so loud I was sure people down the block could hear it. I could hear Jamie talking, but after he said Hannah was pregnant, my whole world stopped.
How the fuck had I done it again? I never fucked without a condom, even when a woman said they were on the pill. I’d learned my lesson thanks to Jamie, not that if I was given the choice to go back and change things I would. I loved my son, he’d turned out to be the best thing to happen to me. A baby. Hadn’t I just gotten my life back, now that my nest was empty? Fuck, could I do it all again? At least this time I knew what to expect. I was stable now, owning my own company and house. I could have a child and a wife. This wasn’t the same as what happened with Jamie’s mother. No. I mentally shook my head. It was different this time, I loved the woman I’d gotten pregnant, and I knew without a doubt that Hannah would want to be a mother, and she would be an amazing one, that I was sure of.
Jamie shook me and yelled. “Dad. Hey, Dad. It’s okay. Snap out of it. Dad. Dad, it’s all good I’m going to kill the guy.”
Blinking and stepping back from Jamie, I grimaced as what he said sank in. Fucking hell, how was I going to tell him that the arsehole who’d knocked Hannah up was me? Scrubbing my face with my hand in frustration, I closed my eyes and tried and think of what I needed to do. Why hadn’t Hannah gotten in contact with me? Why was I only now finding out? I needed to talk to her. I didn’t want to tell Jamie anything until I’d spoken to Hannah.
“Dad, can we do tonight’s celebration tomorrow? I want to be with Hannah tonight. I feel she needs me more than us going out. She’s been really sick. Tonight, she was so bad her whole body was shaking for awhile after emptying the contents of her stomach. She’s lost weight, and I want to discuss an action plan with her. She needs to see a doctor.”
My chest puffed out and I was filled with so much pride, even as I wanted to tell him that what he wanted to do was my job, because the baby was mine. I was so proud that I raised him right; that he'd look after his friend above what he wanted for himself. I should be the grown up and confess, but I knew now was the time for me to learn how my son felt. “That’s okay, Jamie. I understand. You stay here and look after her. Why don’t we sit and talk for a moment first?”
He nodded. “You want a beer?”
“Yeah.” I moved to the lounge room and sat on the sofa. Not long after, Jamie followed and sat on a two-seater sofa across from me, passing me an open beer. I took a sip. “So how you feeling other than angry?”
Guilt assaulted me at my behavior, my feelings, and my actions, as my son’s shoulders dropped and he looked defeated.
“I thought when we moved in together, she would start to finally see that we're perfect for each other. I thought she’d see how good we are together.”
“You could be good with a lot of women. You’re best friends, so of course you’re good together. Are you in love with her, or do you think you could be?”
Jamie sat back on the seat and sighed. “I love her.”
“Yes, but are you in love with her? There are different kinds of love, Jamie. There's the friendship kind, the brother/sister kind, family love, and then there's the all-consuming, lust-filled can’t live without them, in love. Which are you? Think about it, especially now that she’s pregnant.” I was a douche, but I knew how I loved Hannah, and I needed to know where my son stood.
Jamie sat quiet for awhile and then in a small whisper he said, “I don’t know, Dad. I haven’t even ever kissed her, well not on the lips.”
“Okay, let me put it this way. How would you feel if the baby daddy came into play and she ended up dating, falling in love, and married him? How would you feel about that?”
“I…I…don’t know. I’d like to think I’d be happy as long as she was happy, but I don’t know.” He chuckled, but it was empty. “You know she's always had a huge crush on you, right?” He put his finger to his lips. “Shh, don’t tell her I told you.”
My throat seemed to close over and I couldn’t reply. It was for the best though, because I didn’t want to have to lie to Jamie. It was bad enough I wasn’t telling him what had happened and how I felt. My heart that was still beating loudly, quickened at the secret he told.
Jamie sat forward again and smirked at me. “Actually, I have always been jealous of how she feels about you. She’s told me she loves you, but you probably don’t feel the same, not like that, more like she’s a daughter.”
Choking on my spit, I felt my eyes go wide and I sputtered. “No. No, I don’t think of her as my daughter.” I was setting that straight right away. “Sure, she’s a part of our family, but I do not see her as your sister or anything like that.”
“Woah, Dad. It’s cool. I get it.”
Oh, I bet he didn’t, but until I spoke to Hannah, I wasn’t going to set my son to rights.
I stood. “I’ll leave you here to look after Hannah. I’ll come and cheek on her tomorrow while you’re at practice.” I would come after work. I finished on Saturdays at midday. If I told him I was checking on her tomorrow, Jamie wouldn’t rush home and that would give me a chance to talk to her.
“Thanks, Dad.”