I’m hard.

Just the thought of going home makes me as hard as a brick. Because home is where she’s at.

I close my eyes and command myself to calm the excitement rushing through my bloodstreams, but it’s no use curtailing the uncontrollable. My imagination’s a traitor and my body has already manifested the hard facts.

I can’t wait to go home. I can’t wait to see her again. I’ve missed her the whole day. I want to bury my cock so deep inside her it’s a vicious monster clawing at my gut, threatening my sense of decency.

I can’t stop thinking about her. No matter how busy I am she manages to occupy a huge part of my consciousness. Stopping myself from thinking about her gives me a bloody headache so I gave up the struggle.

Images of her dominate my mind’s eye. Dark auburn hair falling in soft waves down her back, eyes the color of the ocean in the heat of summer, blushed skin so milky and smooth, unblemished by freckles it shines under the sun. She’s so fucking beautiful it hurts.

I open my eyes before I’d start thinking about her young, lush body. That might just make me squirt in my pants and that would be fucking messy. I feel so lame with these juvenile urges. I don’t know how to stop this.

I can’t turn my feelings off. I don’t know how. I’ve lost control of my mental and emotional faculties.

I’m madly in love, crazily in lust, scarily obsessed, you name it, I feel everything for this girl.

Rizzy.

But she’s a forbidden fruit.

I can’t have her. I can’t taste her. I can’t bloody eat her.

Why?

She’s my best friend’s daughter. My best friend’s daughter whom I’m currently having a boner the likes I haven’t had in a long time. It’s sharp and almost painful, gripping my balls, weighing it down. This is the kind of boner that gives me the most explosive orgasms. I know this as I’ve been jacking off to thoughts of Rizzy the whole month it’s a wonder I haven’t dried up. It’s shameful how I’m so horny for her. A girl of eighteen. Barely legal.

I slap the steering wheel of my pick-up truck, frustration rising up inside me again.

This is the daily story of my life now.

Thinking about Rizzy.

Getting hard for Rizzy.

Finding relief in the cloak of darkness with my hand and a bottle of lotion, horny as a schoolboy, biting my lip hard so I wouldn’t cry out when I come because she sleeps in the room adjacent to mine every night. Only a thin wall separates her from the perversion happening in my room where guilt, shame, self-loathing and love dance madly.

It’s a torture I wouldn’t wish on any man.

She’s been staying at my two-bedroom apartment for close to a month now and it’s becoming unbearable every passing day. Having her so close has made my once spacious place seems so cramped I’m almost bursting at the seams from discomfort of having to control myself around her.

The guilt and shame is killing me, but the thought of not having her around is inconceivable, too. She’s become a vital part of me now. I need her presence in my life like the very air I breathe.

My life is in utter chaos. I’m just living by the day not knowing how to deal with this new shift in my very existence since she came to live with me here in California. I was not prepared for this. It has become a bloody tug of war with my code of honor as a man and my covetous desire for her to be mine in every way possible.

It used to be manageable, these unhealthy desires I have for Rizzy. As long as I was miles away from her, I could handle it. But now, having her so close, I don’t know how long I can last before this demon inside me overpowers my honor.

How did I come to this?

My life took a drastic turn last year.

I was visiting my best friend, Jerry and his family in Phoenix after almost two years of not seeing them. I got too busy working at my new auto shop, establishing my clientele.

I moved here in San Diego, California four years ago from Phoenix, Arizona. I’d worked at a car remodeling shop in Phoenix for years, but I met a guy who saw my talent and wanted to be partners with me. I couldn’t let the opportunity of co-owning a shop pass, but it was in San Diego, a six-hour drive from Phoenix. I had to make a choice between being away from the family who loved me like their very own and a new career path. I wanted the challenge of managing my own business, of leveling up my expertise.

Jerry understood my aspirations and encouraged me to take the offer and embark on an adventure.

Four years later, the shop became one of the best in Southern California. My partner however wanted to retire and he sold his shares to me at a very friendly price. I finally truly owned my own business. I was so damned proud of myself. Jerry was, too.

I was so excited to see Jerry again and catch up. I’d missed the fucker so bad, and his wife, Bethany, especially their daughter, Rizzy. We were connected on Facebook but I was hardly online. Social media wasn’t my thing. I’d called them during special occasions like birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Jerry would send me his family pictures through his phone to keep me updated.

I’d repeatedly scanned the pictures during my short breaks at work, smiling like an idiot. Rizzy had grown taller in recent years. Such a beautiful girl. I’d missed her little antics, her mischievous smiles and carefree laughter. I’d missed her following me around, asking me all those silly questions. I used to live in a one-bedroom affair within Jerry’s property for years until I could afford to rent my own place. I’d missed our little adventures together, hunting in the forest and fishing in the lake. I’d missed bringing her to school whenever her parents couldn’t. I’d missed the kid, period.

But nothing had prepared me for what happened in that particular visit.

The moment I got out of my truck, a young woman came running toward me. Her long, auburn hair flew like a short cape behind her. She threw herself at me without hesitation. I knew right away it was Rizzy because that had been her thing since she was a kid. But I nearly didn’t recognize her.

She’d changed. So much.

I left a skinny fifteen year-old and when I come back, she’d filled out in all the right places only a seventeen-year old young woman could. She’d grown a nice pair of tits and ass that made me want to hide her from all men’s eyes, including mine.

I felt confused. I’d adored the kid since she was little and suddenly I was having strange stirrings at the pit of my stomach as her warm, soft body pressed close to mine.

I was aghast, to say the least. Shocked to my core.

I knew what it was.

Pure, unadulterated lust. Lust I should not feel for her.

It was almost incestuous. She was practically my daughter, too. I helped raise her. I was part of her family, her Uncle Ry for as long as I could remember.

“Hi!”

Her smile zapped me to smithereens.

I was lost.

My self-identity unravelled right before her eyes and she didn’t even know it.

In a blink, I became a stranger to myself.

That smile drove me out of Phoenix sooner than my planned two-week vacation. I alibied that something came up at the shop and I had to hurry back to Cali. Jerry and Bethany were extremely disappointed.

Rizzy was heartbroken. She was teary-eyed as she walked me to my truck a few days later.

“Why leaving so soon, Uncle Ry? I’ve waited forever for your visit.”

Uncle Ry.

She’d always called me that. But it sounded obscene to my ears all of a sudden. It conjured thoughts I shouldn’t be attributing to her. Dirty, sinful thoughts.

“I’ll come back, Kitkat,” I’d said gently, using my pet name for her since she was a kid, from her favorite chocolate bar.

Her lips had trembled as she tried not to cry. Lips that were now too pink and too luscious it made me think of wicked things it could do to my body. My thoughts made me want to retch.

“Promise me you’ll come back sooner. Not years after.”

I couldn’t promise that anymore after knowing I could feel scary things for her. I had to exorcize these perverted thoughts that suddenly polluted my mind and body first before I could show my face in Jerry’s house again as his friend. As a brother he could trust.

“Be a good girl, okay, Kitkat?”

“I’m always a good girl.”

I managed to smile. “Good to know.” I was befuddled how I used to be so close to this little girl like she was my own and now I felt like a stranger to her with these conflicting feelings that were making me question my sanity.

She hugged me then, tightly. I felt the rapid beating of her agitated heart against my chest. My cock swelled even as my conscience recoiled in shame.

“I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you everyday.”

Those were innocent pronouncements. She didn’t mean anything by it except for fatherly love, but it affected me differently. I wanted her to miss me differently.

I was going crazy.

I pulled out from her embrace none too gently, mumbled my goodbye and got into my truck. I drove out of Arizona like a bat from hell, not knowing when I’d be back.

But something drove me right back.

A force of nature.

Jerry called me six months later, his voice broken.

“Bethany’s gone, Ry.”

I blanked out for a few seconds, my mind refusing to comprehend what he said. ”What? Jerry, what do you mean?”

“She’s gone, Ry. A semi hit her car on the interstate.” Jerry broke down, gasping for breath, almost incoherent. “You gotta come here, Ry…I can’t… I can’t handle this. I can’t…You gotta come here, man…Rizzy…help us…Please!”

I was in my truck seconds later, driving at speed limit toward Phoenix, praying I won’t meet my demise on the freeway myself.

My mind was in shambles.

God, how could this happen? How could you take Beth this early? She’s such a beautiful soul. Why too soon? What will happen to Jerry now? To my Kitkat?

I drove for hours in agony, my heart breaking for Jerry and Rizzy.

Jerry was a total mess when I arrived in Phoenix. He could hardly talk. It was Rizzy who stood strong and helped me with her mother’s funeral.

My Kitkat cried in my arms like a baby when she saw me again, her fingers clawing at my shirt in her grief. But she collected herself when friends and family arrived to condole with us.

Jerry’s parents and his two sisters came from Texas to help out but they all left after the funeral. Bethany’s parents were divorced. Only her mother and her only brother who both came from Utah arrived to pay their last respects, but they also left shortly after.

It was just me, Jerry and Rizzy after Bethany was laid to rest. I was their family. They were mine. I had no one else. I’ve had my share of tragedy that made me lose my loved ones, but not in the way Jerry and Rizzy lost Bethany.

My family had disowned me a long time ago. I couldn’t ever blame them. I was a hard case in my youth, but I managed to turn my life around with the help of Jerry, the only person who gave a damn when I hit rock bottom.

It was my turn to return the favor. I had to be Jerry’s crutch in those moments when he was broken from the loss of his wife. I feared for my best friend. Bethany was Jerry’s high school sweetheart. They were inseparable. They were so in love they would always jokingly say that only death could tear them apart.

Indeed, death tore them apart too soon.

I had to make sure Jerry and Rizzy were all right before I left Phoenix. I stayed at Jerry’s house for almost two weeks. Luckily I had an assistant at my shop who ran it for me in my absence.

Grief made my perverted monsters behave on the first few days of my stay in Jerry’s house. But after Bethany was buried and I was mostly alone with Rizzy as Jerry had taken to drinking to be able to sleep, the monster woke up again and savagely demanded to be fed. This hunger, I desperately tried to quell. Jesus, no!

But it was plain torture.

Rizzy needed a lot of hugs in those times and I gave it all to her. Fatherly hugs I’d told myself repeatedly as she’d sobbed into my chest for days, drenching my shirts with her tears. I’d rubbed her back, smoothed her hair from her face, wiped her cheeks dry, all the while gritting my teeth as my cock wouldn’t stay down and be a decent uncle.

I had to leave on the twelfth day before I’d succumb to my base desires. I was a weak bastard and I was beyond ashamed of myself. I was relieved Jerry pulled himself together and assured me they’d be fine.

I went back to Cali even if my heart was breaking for abandoning the two most important people in the world to me in the middle of their greatest tragedy, but I couldn’t risk it. If I stayed longer, I would have destroy us all.

In the months that followed, I’d called Jerry almost everyday. He’d gone back to work. Jerry was a senior manager at a huge trucking company.

I’d called Rizzy, too and was glad she was doing okay in school. She was graduating from high school in a few months. I only talked to her briefly, just making sure she was okay. I didn’t want to listen to her voice longer than necessary. I no longer thought of her as a little girl but a beautiful young woman I was insanely attracted to, and it was wrong. So very wrong.

I’d prayed that it would go away. This desire would never be satisfied. It would remain a constant ache in my core for I don’t know how long.

I just had to stay away, even if my longing to see her again had become a need. A need I must kill, even if it killed me in the process.

But fate decided to test me further.

Jerry called me one afternoon.

“My company is retrenching, Ry. They’re cutting me off.”

“Man, I’m sorry. You okay? Are they gonna buy you out?”

“Yeah, the separation pay is good. I can use it to start my own business.”

“Good. I can help you out. You know I’m just here when you need me, man. Anything I can do, you got me.”

“I know, Ry. Thank you.”

There was a few seconds of silence.

“Ry, I have to ask you a favor.”

“Name it, you got it.”

“I need to go away for a while.”

“Go away? Where?”

“I don’t know. Just away from Arizona.”

“You wanna come to Cali?”

“No. Farther away. I need to forget, Ry.”

I understood. “Listen, I can only imagine what you’re going through, man, but wherever you go, the pain won’t go away. It’s inside you. You have to deal with it, Jerry. You have a kid to think about. She needs you.”

“I know, man, I know. I just can’t… I’ve just been going through the motions the past months and I just can’t…I’m not okay, Ry. I thought I was, but I’m not. God…!” There was an anguished sigh. “I need to go away for a while. I need to do this, Ry.”

“Okay, okay, go wherever you wanna go, but promise me one thing, Jerry. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid. I’ll never forgive you.”

“I won’t kill myself, asshole.”

I was grateful for that assurance. “Good to hear.”

“But you have to take care of Rizzy while I’m gone, brother.”

That made me freeze.

“I can’t bring her with me, Ry. This journey, I must do alone.”

I could hardly breathe from the tension that gripped my body. “What…what about school?” I tried to find an excuse not to say yes. I was barely holding up from missing her and now Jerry wanted her to come live with me? How was I supposed to handle that?

“She’s graduating in two months. I’m leaving after her graduation. Can she stay with you for a few months?”

I swallowed hard. “Here? In Cali?” I asked like an idiot.

“Yeah. You can hardly come here and stay in my house. You have a shop to run there. I figured she can go there, have a summer job or something before entering a community college. She’s always wanted to visit you in Cali.”

No. Fuck. No.

“Please, Ry?”

“I…”

“Just for a month or two?”

A month or two?! No!

“I asked Rizzy if she’d want to visit our relatives in Texas but she declined. She’s not close to them. She wants to stay with you.”

God, please, don’t do this to me.

“Please, man, I need this. Memories of Beth surround me everyday. I can’t breathe anymore.”

I’d sighed. I couldn’t turn down a plea of a grieving friend, could I? “All right.”

“Thank you. Will you come to her graduation? We can celebrate both her graduation and her birthday together before I leave.”

“Yes…yes, of course.”

“You bring her to Cali with you when you go home.”

I’d felt like I was thrust into the pits of hell after that phone conversation.

Here I am now, descending deeper still into hell as the days pass by.

Jerry is still in only-God-knows-where, just shooting me emails here and there to let me know he’s still alive. Last time I checked he was in Bali. His “journey” has gone on for a month and it seemed to have helped him emotionally. He sounded almost like his old self again in his emails.

In contrast, every day has been pure agony for me.

Fuck, I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t know how long I can keep it to myself before my actions start giving me away. Just the thought of Rizzy finding out makes me cringe inside in utter shame. It’s madness.

I’m thirty-five, have fucked enough women to be fantasizing like a teenager all over again. I should call Sylvie to hang out soon, or Kathy, Shelby or whoever’s in my phonebook that can help relieve this bloody tension in my groin that won’t go away no matter how hard and frequent I jack off.

But of course I wouldn’t be calling any of them. Since Rizzy came with me to Cali, I hadn’t gone out on a date or brought a woman to my place. I hadn’t fucked at all.

Rizzy has got my undivided attention, and despite the fear inside me that I might do something I’m going to regret for the rest of my life, I can’t wait to see her tonight.

She only works three times a week at the drugstore near my apartment, a part-time job she enjoys. The owner, Mike Bannon, is my friend and he happily hired Rizzy the whole summer to assist his daughter in stock inventory. I bought Rizzy a bike so she can go to work and come home at her own time and leisure. She usually gets off from work at four PM.

I know she’s waiting for me at home with a nice meal right this minute. I’ve always looked forward to that the past weeks. Having Rizzy around is having the gift of sunshine every day. She’s sweet, caring, thoughtful and just about the kindest person I know, just like her parents.

I’d give my life to protect this precious girl. Especially from myself.

God, I love her so much it hurts.

Sighing heavily, I start the engine of my truck and pull out of the parking lot of RevUp, the car repair and remodeling shop I own downtown. All my eight employees have gone home hours ago.

I drive by a donut store, Rizzy’s favorite. My Kitkat loves sweets.

I wonder how sweet she’d taste if—

Jesus, behave the fuck up!