What have I done? And despite my guilt and shame, why am I thinking about doing it all over again?

I’m losing my mind.

Last night, after I left Rizzy in her bedroom to get something to cleanse her with, I heard my phone vibrate in my bedroom.

I instantly knew who it was. Time zone difference.

It was the wake up call. Literally.

With a heavy weight in my heart, I took the call.

“Jerry.” I almost couldn’t utter my best friend’s name. Guilt overwhelmed me. I was still sweating from my recent orgasm, the evidence of it all over his daughter’s innocent body.

“Sorry, man, did I wake you up? I know it’s very late there. I called earlier but it was Rizzy who answered.”

“Uh, I must have left my phone. How are you, man?” I’d managed to ask.

“I’m good.”

“You still in Bali?”

“Yeah. Beautiful place. Nice people.”

“When you coming home?”

“Can I extend another month?”

I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or even more afraid. Another month of torture. As it was, I already crossed the line. I didn’t pop Rizzy’s cherry only because I didn’t want to physically damage her with the savageness of my need. But I touched her just the same. What’s stopping me from going all the way next time?

Next time? There won’t be a next time dammit! I have to make sure there won’t be a next time.

“Man, will you come home soon?” My tone may have sounded pleading.

“Is there a problem?”

“No. No. It’s just that you should be with your daughter, Jerry.”

“I know. I know. Thank you for being there for her when I couldn’t, Ry. What will I do without you?”

I’d closed my eyes tightly. If Jerry knew what I had done, he would disown me, if he didn’t kill me first. And I’d deserve it. I’d even welcome it. But what I couldn’t probably bear is the hurt I’d see in my best friend’s eyes.

“Okay, man. Just be home soon, okay? Take care there.”

“Thanks, Ry. I’ll call soon again.”

After that conversation, I almost didn’t return to Rizzy’s room. But I had to clean up my mess. I defiled her. I had to at least cleanse my cum off her skin. That was the least I could do.

I ignored the surging desire in my gut as I wiped my seed off of her body. I’d already touched her. It was even harder to resist touching her again. I wanted so much to spend the rest of the night cuddling her in my arms. I wanted to sleep in the same room with her. But I couldn’t.

Now I’m a bloody mess. Business calls are left unreturned on my phone. I let my supervisor make all the decisions for today while I sit here staring in space, contemplating the sordid mess that’s my life. I can’t think straight with all the memories of last night bombarding my mind, along with my self-loathing.

They are contrasting feelings wrecking my sanity.

I can’t do this to Jerry, the only friend who didn’t leave me when I was at my lowest. I owe him my very life. Though my desire for Rizzy will remain my dirty little secret for the rest of my life, just the thought of Jerry finding out what I’ve done to his precious daughter makes me want to jump off a fucking bridge.

I’m so fucked I don’t know a way out of this with my sanity intact.

I sit by the window, waiting for him. It’s very late. I cooked something special tonight, but the food has gone cold on the table.

I’d called him twice but he didn’t answer. Maybe he was busy at the shop. But I have a feeling he deliberately didn’t take my calls.

I didn’t see him at breakfast this morning. He left way too early, but he did cook breakfast for me.

I went to work today, extremely anxious.

I don’t understand his sudden withdrawal.

If he’s worried about my father, I’m worried too. But it doesn’t mean we have to sweep what happened under the rug like it didn’t happen. Adults don’t do that. Adults deal.

I know he feels something for me. He has to. What happened wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t feel anything for me. He’s too honorable to risk too much for just a passing fancy.

God, it had better be not a passing fancy for him or I’ll kill him!

His truck’s headlight finally appear in the distance.

I jump from the sofa and dash to the kitchen, heating up dinner in the microwave. This is a very late dinner and I’m starving but I didn’t want to eat without him.

I hear him opening the front door. I walk over to the living room.

“H-hi,” I greet him tentatively. I feel awkward when I shouldn’t be. We should be closer now than ever.

He locks the door and faces me.

His expression is impassive. Closed up. Unwelcoming.

Not acceptable. He should be greeting me with a kiss. “Long day?”

He nods.

“I’m heating up dinner.”

“I already ate.”

He removes his shoes and puts them in the small built-in cabinet near the door.

“I’m going to bed. Good night, Rizzy.”

Speechless, I watch him ascend the stairs, my heart sinking into my stomach.

It’s past ten in the evening. I should go home. But I know she’s not home yet. She’s at that party at Mike’s place. It’s Mike’s daughter’s birthday. Naturally, Rizzy is invited.

Anika and Rizzy have fast become friends since Rizzy started working at Mike’s drugstore. In fact, Mike invited me too, but I didn’t commit to attend. I alibied that I had pressing matters at the shop I had to do overtime on. Mike was disappointed. He said our buddies would be there and it was an opportunity to catch up. It was weekend anyway, but I just couldn’t go. I just asked Mike to make sure Rizzy was home safely at midnight.

It’s been five days since that night.

Since “it” happened.

I’ve been going home late ever since, usually at ten in the evening, making sure Rizzy was already in bed when I opened the door. I’ve told her not to wait for me at dinner and just to go ahead and eat without me. I knew it hurt her. She felt rejected.

I’ve been hurting as well, more than she’ll ever realize. But that brief chat with Jerry on the phone brought me back to my senses, to the things that matter most in my life. My friendship with Jerry and Bethany. Rizzy’s future. What would Beth feel if she were still alive? Me and Rizzy? It just wasn’t right. I’m supposed to be taking care of her. Jerry entrusted her to me and I touched her. I let my weakness get the better of me and I touched her in a manner I shouldn’t have.

It’s just killing me every day. I feel like I’d flip any moment.

What’s killing me more is the knowledge that she wanted it as much as I did. It was the singular reason I went beyond, that age-old call of mutual need. But it was my id thinking for me. The animal in me. Yes, she wanted it, but I knew she was young and impressionable. I was the adult in that situation. I was supposed to know better. I was supposed to have more control of my body than an eighteen-year-old exploring her sexuality.

I shouldn’t have touched her. It must never happen again.

God, I hope Jerry comes home soon or I’d be forced to look for another place for Rizzy to live in. She has to move out or I’ll go mad.

I’ll find her a nice, cozy studio, somewhere safe and quiet. I’ll still take care of her but I just can’t do it while we’re under the same roof. But I don’t want her living alone where she’d be prone to all kinds of danger either.

My apartment complex is full at the moment. If I’m going to find her her own place, she’d be living a few miles from me and that’s not an option I’d like to explore. I still want to make sure she’s always safe until Jerry returns. And the other thing, I don’t want Jerry to wonder why Rizzy is not under my roof when he returns. He’d know something had happened and I wouldn’t know what to say to my best friend. I’m not a good liar and neither would I want Rizyy to lie to her father. I hope it wouldn’t come to that where we are forced to talk about what happened in front of Jerry. I’d probably die in shame.

Fuck, I’m in such a bind I’m losing it.

After spending another hour brooding in my office, I call Mike.

“Hey come on, man. Beer’s on the house. The gang’s here. Get your ass in here, Boyd!”

“I hope you’re not driving Rizzy home past your alcohol limit, man.”

“Nah, Derek’s driving her home.”

Derek is Mike’s eldest son. The young man is training in the Marine Corps.

“I didn’t know Derek’s home.”

“He asked for a weekend break to attend her sister’s birthday. The kids are having fun in the pool.”

The pool? Is Rizzy in that goddamn pool with Derek? I wonder if she’s dressed properly. My mind is running wild. Who wears a fucking dress in a pool?

“Why don’t you come over, man? Lora cooked enough for the entire neighborhood, come on!”

It isn’t Mike’s invitation that shoots my ass out of the shop faster than a bullet. It’s the thought that Rizzy is in the goddamn pool with that young buck Derek and God knows who else.

I’m imagining all kinds of shit while driving over to Mike’s place. I imagine dragging Rizzy from the pool and out of there in her bikini. Rizzy in a bikini would be smashing. I’ve seen her with nothing else and I lost my mind. I don’t want any other male eyes feasting on her young, ripe body thinking of all the things they’d want to do to her.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m glad I wouldn’t have to make an ass of myself at Anika’s party playing protective “uncle” when I’m in fact feeling like a jealous lover.

Rizzy’s in the fucking pool, all right, but she’s not wearing a swimsuit exposing her body for everyone to see. She’s fully clothed. It appears that all of Anika’s friends have jumped into the pool fully dressed and are just having a good time drinking and cavorting in the water.

Kids.

But I notice how Derek is looking at Rizzy as they chat in one corner of the pool. The young man is practically devouring her with his eyes.

He wants her.

It takes a horndog to know one.

Derek is a very good-looking kid. Rizzy might want him, too. She’s smiling at him as she listens to whatever tales the young man is spinning to impress her.

The claws of the green-eyed monster sink deep into my flesh. Violence hover under my skin, ready to explode. I feel like a territorial animal scenting a rival. I clench my hands at my sides, forcing myself to calm down.

Rizzy and Derek are almost the same age. Derek is probably older by a couple of years. That’s a pair that wouldn’t raise brows in the community. They look normal together. The violence inside me only intensifies at the thought.

Another truth confronts me.

I can’t bear it. I can’t bear the thought of another man touching her. I’m afraid I’m going to go ballistic if Derek dares to touch her.

Mike claps me in the back and hands me a beer. “Come, join us.”

To get my attention off of Derek and Rizzy, I join Mike and our buddies at a table in a far corner. The smell of meat being roasted at the grill makes my stomach growl. I haven’t had dinner yet.

Keeping a covert eye on Rizzy, I obey my immediate hunger.

I feel better now that I can see her and know she’s safe. I hope Derek doesn’t start taking liberties on her or this party is over.

God help me, I’m going to destroy another friendship if that happens.