Xander woke Olivia up the next morning with his pacing, going back and forth over the wooden floor of his apartment, lost in thought with his eyes screwed shut. “What’s going on?” she asked him, a little apprehensive. She’d never seen him like this before.
“I got an idea,” he muttered, continuing to move without opening his eyes. “It’s either really smart or really stupid and I can’t tell which.”
“Well, why don’t you tell me about it and I can help you figure it out?” Olivia suggested, still rubbing sleep from her eyes as she straightened up in bed.
Xander shook his head. “No, no, can’t do that,” he said without explanation.
“Uh, okay…” Olivia said as she got out of the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom, feeling a little miffed. She thought they had moved past the point where he kept things from her, at least where he did it consciously.
After showering, she went back into the main room of the apartment to pull a new outfit out of her oversized purse and get dressed. Xander was still pacing. What the fuck was going on? Olivia decided to sit at the edge of the bed and wait for him to chill out enough to speak to her.
It took about five full minutes, long and silent and uncomfortable, before he finally flicked his eyes open and said something. “I need you to come with me to the senior members’ meeting today.”
“Senior members?” Olivia asked, completely oblivious.
“If we’re going to make things better for the girls, we gotta bring more money into the club. The guys will never go for it if they have to take pay cuts, so we gotta find a way to keep everything the same or improve it while still making room for better housing for the girls, and, and, and other stuff, the stuff you said,” Xander said in a rush. Olivia was about to interrupt and say she still didn’t understand when he opened his mouth and spoke again, still at a ridiculously fast pace. “The senior members are the guys who have been around for twenty-five, thirty, forty years. The old fuckers. Jerry’s the leader, but they all vote on important missions and stuff. They run the show. I gotta get them to listen to me so we can make this shit work. Will you come, back me up if I need it?” He wasn’t looking at her, facing the entirely opposite direction. It was almost like he was addressing his toaster, asking it for precious back-up.
Olivia cleared her throat, trying to gather her thoughts. So he really had listened to her last night about the sex workers. She felt a bubble of pride rise in her chest, all for Xander. He was changing. He was growing. He wanted to make a difference.
But he still needed her. Olivia got to her feet and walked around Xander to look him directly in the eyes. “Of course,” she whispered. “Of course I will be there. I know you can do it, though. I’m with you all the way.” Xander smiled at her, small and sweet, and Olivia felt something in her chest break apart at the sight. He looked like a kid, for once. He looked like he had hope.
They had to wait several hours for the meeting to commence, and Olivia could feel the anxiety wafting off him in waves. She finally got sick of it, the idleness, and suggested they go ahead and go to the nearest walk-in clinic to get tested. She always suggested her clients go to this clinic after they’d had some dubious encounters with a stranger or with a needle, mainly because the nurses there worked so fast.
It only took them a few hours to get the results back. By the time the senior members started to file into the club for the meeting that afternoon, Olivia got the phone call from the clinic: they were all clear. She decided to wait to tell Xander until afterwards. She didn’t want to distract him from the meeting.
They stood just outside the central meeting room, watching the older guys file toward them one by one. Olivia could feel how nervous Xander was. If she looked closely enough she could see his fingers twitching, like he had too much energy for his body to contain and it was all threatening to leak out of him before the appointed time. Olivia reached behind his back and gave his hand a light squeeze before letting it go. I’m here for you, she thought. I’m proud of you. I’m here. She hoped he could sense what she was feeling.
The senior members started to walk into the meeting room without even acknowledging Xander, but he reached out and grabbed his uncle by the elbow before he could walk away. “Excuse me, Uncle Jerry. I have a plan to present before the senior members. If that’s okay with you,” Xander said in a rush, trying to convince his uncle before he could disappear into the meeting room.
“Um?” Uncle Jerry turned to look at Olivia, a quizzical look on his face.
“He has an idea for a club mission,” she said. “I really think you should give him a chance.”
“Well, we’ve got a pretty full agenda today, son,” Uncle Jerry said to Xander.
“Five minutes,” Olivia suggested. “Just give him five minutes. That’s all he needs.” In reality, she had no idea how much time he really needed, but she was confident he could make it work.
Uncle Jerry was quiet a minute, considering it. “Okay, five minutes or less, all right?” he finally said, opening the door to the meeting room wider so Xander and Olivia could walk in. Olivia stood behind Xander at the edge of the table, practically hiding in the shadows. She didn’t know if the senior members would be offended that Xander brought his not-even-girlfriend into this apparently sacred, exclusive space.
The old men sat down around the table, Uncle Jerry at the head. “First order of business,” Jerry started. “Young Xander has something he wants to say to us.”
Some of the men turned to stare at Xander and Olivia, looking confused. Xander stepped forward to the empty spot at the opposite side of the table from Jerry and cleared his throat. “I have an idea for bringing more money into the club.”
“I’m all ears,” one of the older guys, Old Man Jack, said with a broad smile on his face. The others laughed in agreement.
“Um, so, right now, we’re only operating in the desert,” Xander started, his voice a little unsteady. Olivia wished she could lean in and take his hand to give him confidence. “But there’s stuff on the other sides. Um, yeah.”
The room was silent, and Olivia felt her skin crawl. She bit her tongue, resisting the urge to jump in and start suggesting ideas to compensate for Xander’s shyness.
“So, I was thinking. I know we used to have some issues, like twenty years ago, with the Machines in California. But last night it hit me: they’re cut off from the Texan sources we’ve got, partly because of the distance but also because of that war five years ago. They don’t want to have to cross hostile territory. They don’t have the good blow we do, and they’d be willing to pay top dollar for it. I made a map of the path, too,” he said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pants’ pocket and spreading it out on the table. He pointed to black circles drawn on the map. “We go here first, to drop half the product off at Neptune Bar to distribute to the desert clubs later, then we cross state lines in the morning, crack of dawn, when police presence is at a minimum. Then it’s just an hour and a half until we hit the Machines’ den.”
“And we make that trip how, exactly?” another old guy, Mickey Sr., asked, a skeptical expression on his face. “You’re not thinking about the resources, son.”
“The gas will more than pay for itself,” Xander interrupted.
“But what about the boys, Xander?” Jerry said. “You’re not considering the amount of time that it’ll take for the men to ride across the desert with the stuff. That’s taking them away from other business.”
“Well, yeah, that’s true,” Xander admitted. “But that brings me to the important point. I know there’s been talk of bringing other boys in, but we don’t need them. We need the boys we got now to do more. What are they doing every day? Sitting around shooting the shit, drinking, smoking, you know,” Xander said. He paused to clear his throat again, pushing his fists down on the table like he was bracing himself. “It’s time for them to step up. Be men. Do more for the club. We’ll put them to work, pay them more, make the family better.”
A few of the senior members started mumbling under their breath, but Olivia couldn’t make out what they were saying.
“And what about the Machines?” one of the senior members asked. “We’re just going to forget the war? Everything we went through? The injuries we sustained?”
Olivia flushed with anxiety and concern for Xander. This was the hard part. The mission itself was easy enough, just a matter of balancing resources like organizing an Excel spreadsheet. But this was the emotional part, the part immersed in personal history, personal wounds that didn’t go away overnight. Can he do this?
Xander nodded, but then he blew out his breath forcefully. “Honestly, Joe? Fuck it. Fuck it! It’s in the past. Let bygones be bygones, and let’s make some fucking cash,” Xander said, causing everybody to look up from their laps and stare at him. “What? Nobody else was thinking it?”
“Uh, no, at least I wasn’t,” Old Man Jack said, putting his beer down onto the table. “Where the hell is this coming from, son?”
“I just don’t want to sit around and wait for the opportunities to come to us, you know? We gotta be proactive. We gotta be out there like salesmen making it work,” Xander said in a rush. Olivia was a little worried he had too much caffeine that morning or something. “We have people to take care of. We can’t let that slide anymore.”
Uncle Jerry was staring at him from the head of the table, only tearing his eyes away briefly to cough into a handkerchief. “You really thought of this all on your own, boy?” he asked.
Olivia wondered what the fuck that was supposed to mean. Who else was Xander supposed to be speaking for? Just then, she noticed Jerry’s eyes flicked over to her in the corner, and realization dawned on her like a cold shower. Oh. They think I’m feeding him ideas?
She knew it was bad form to speak up in a meeting that she was lucky to be attending at all, but she cleared her throat anyway. “I haven’t heard anything like this before,” she said. “Xander, did you just come up with this on your own?” There. Maybe that will convince them I had nothing to do with it. Or they’re convinced I’m orchestrating this whole thing and just pretending to be in the dark. Fuck. I’m bad at this.
In any case, Xander nodded and turned back to the table. “Yeah, I don’t know, it just hit me last night. I really…I really believe in it,” he said, and Olivia felt herself flush in pride. “It’s the way to go. I know it, guys. Can we vote on it?”
The old men all looked at each other for a long moment. Finally, Uncle Jerry spoke up. “Can you two leave the room, please? It’s got to be senior members only for the vote.”
“Yeah, of course,” Xander said, his voice now strong and secure. He walked over to Olivia and put a hand on the small of her back, ushering her out of the room and closing the big door behind them. “What do you think?” he asked her in a hushed tone.
“You’re asking me?” Olivia said. “I don’t know thing one about this business, remember?”
Xander rolled his eyes. “Are you still fucking hung up on that?”
Olivia just glared at him. She honestly wasn’t that bothered by the comment he’d made weeks ago, but he needed to learn consequences for his actions if he was ever going to grow.
Xander averted his eyes from her and shrugged. “Fine, fuck, I’m sorry. What more do you want?”
She pursed her lips, starting to feel a little bit irritated. “Maybe, like, a real apology. That might be nice.”
Xander sighed loudly, but it sounded more like exhaustion than exasperation. “I’m sorry I was a dick. Does that work?”
Olivia still felt dissatisfied, but she figured she wasn’t going to get any better than that, at least not today. “It seems like a good plan to me. Why sit back and watch money slip from your fingertips when you can grab it?”
“Exactly!” Xander said. “It wouldn’t even need that many more men on the job. Half of the guys sit around here drinking half the time anyway, and we could get them on their bikes, making money for the club and for themselves. It’d boost morale.”
“Morale?” Olivia said incredulously. She couldn’t believe her ears. “You’re concerned about the group’s morale? Who the fuck are you and what did you do with Xander Bellows?”
Xander laughed a little and gestured to the other side of the bar. “I mean, look at these guys. They’re just sitting around drinking, bored out of their fucking minds. What if we can change that, and make things better for the women?”
Olivia started to feel warm inside. “You really care about this, huh?”
Xander shrugged, but she noticed his cheeks go a little pinker than usual. “It just seems stupid not to take the opportunity, that’s all.”
The big door opened behind them and they quickly moved out of the way to let the first of the senior members out. Jack and Jerry led the pack, and Xander and Olivia just stared at them expectantly.
“7-1, it passes,” Jerry said, causing Xander to pump his fists in the air.
“Yeah! You won’t regret this, guys!” Xander shouted, tapping his uncle firmly on the shoulder before jetting off across the bar to yell at the boys sitting there to pour him a drink.
Olivia and Jerry shared a small smile. Maybe my work here is done, Olivia thought to herself. Xander was acting like a leader. He was invested. He was inspired, even. But she still had no intentions of going anywhere.
As she followed Xander across the bar to get a celebratory drink, in the back of her mind she wondered, Who was the one holdout vote? She tried to dismiss the thought. It really didn’t matter. The vote had passed, and Xander was becoming the leader he was always meant to be. So what if somebody in the club resisted, if somebody in the club didn’t like that Xander was stepping up? No big deal, right?
But the nagging voice in the back of Olivia’s mind didn’t go away.
***
Xander and Olivia crashed through the door of his apartment, slamming it loudly shut behind them, but they didn’t bother locking the door. They would have had to pry their faces apart for that to happen and Xander was unwilling to let go of her mouth for a second. They had spent a few hours drinking with the boys after telling them the details of the new mission, but before too long he felt the need to celebrate with Olivia, privately.
“I’m so—fucking—happy for you,” Olivia whispered into Xander’s mouth in between wet, open-mouthed kisses.
“Mmm?” Xander murmured, sticking his hands under her shirt to feel her bare skin. He started fumbling with her bra, struggling to undo the clasp.
Olivia pulled back from his face but still framed it with her hands, staring directly into his eyes. Xander felt raw and vulnerable, like he was naked, out in the cold— but she was safety, she was security, she was the thing that was going to save him from the abyss. “You stood up for something. You fought for it. And you won. You’re going to make a difference. You’re going to make this into a real family, and I’m so…” She inhaled deeply and shook her head. “I’m so fucking proud. So fucking proud.”
Xander smiled a little, feeling exposed and nervous. He leaned in and kissed her again, soft at first, then harder and harder, their tongues slipping against each other. Olivia deepened the kiss, clutching hard onto his neck and scratching his skin with her nails. Xander groaned into her mouth, accidentally sliding his teeth against her lips, but she moaned a little, high-pitched and precious, so he did it again. And again. And again, until she smacked his ass and grinded their crotches together. She pulled back from the kiss, but before Xander could protest Olivia put a hand on his chest and spoke.
“We tested negative for everything,” she whispered, kissing the side of his neck.
His skin felt hot and cold at once, with every single nerve ending alert. Every inch of his skin felt so sensitive, like every movement of her tongue, every single scrape of his nails set off a bomb inside of him. He was fucking shaking in her hands. He’d never felt this way before.
“You know what that means?” she whispered into his ear.
Xander exhaled shakily and wrapped his hand around the back of her head, threading fingers into her thick hair. “I get to fuck you...” he whispered.
Olivia shook her head a little in his grasp. “More than that. You get…” She dropped a kiss on the side of his chin. “To come…” Her mouth moved up to lick at the sensitive lobe of his ear. “Inside me.”
Xander groaned and clutched harder onto her. “I really want that,” he whispered back. “I really want to fucking come in you.”
“Yeah?” Olivia murmured, biting down gently on his ear. “You wanna fucking claim me, baby? Fill me up? Make me your dirty little slut?”
Xander laughed in shock. “Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t deserve you.”
Olivia smiled and dropped a sweet, simple kiss on his lips. “Yeah, you do. You’re what I want.”
Xander wondered when in the hell he was going to stop feeling scared of Olivia. She was this gorgeous woman, but, in some ways, she was a walking machine gun with the power to tear him into shreds with the smallest, sweetest comment. He wrapped his hands around her back and swung her up into his arms. Olivia cheered and wrapped her arms around his neck. Xander felt more secure this way, holding her up. It was easier to feel strong this way.
He started walking across the apartment, carrying her over to his bed. Usually they fucked on the couch or the floor or in the shower, spontaneously falling into each other’s embrace. But he wanted to do this right. He wanted her to relax completely, trust him and give everything up. He was about to be closer to her than he’d been to any woman, ever, and he wanted to do it right.
Xander reached around Olivia’s body and yanked her shirt over her head before pulling her unclasped bra off her body. He growled and dove into her chest, biting down onto her breasts immediately and making her wail.
“Damn, shit!” she moaned, only encouraging him to bite down harder, sucking until he left a wide red mark around her nipple.
“You’ve got such great fucking tits,” Xander said in between long, thick licks over her sensitive little pink nubs. “I fucking love them.”
“Thank you,” Olivia moaned quietly, running her hands over his arms, leaving goosebumps in her wake.
He traveled down Olivia’s body, licking around her belly button and biting the soft skin of her stomach. He liked that she had a little bit of meat on her. It felt good to grab her thick hips and jerk her up and down on his cock. But not tonight. Tonight, he was going to be on top. He was going to dominate her entirely.
Xander pinned her hands down on the bed as he traveled down to her shorts, mouthing at the hem around her hips. He pulled the fabric of her shorts aside with his teeth, pulling it down roughly until her shorts traveled down to her knees, revealing her red underwear. Xander laughed breathlessly, staring at her barely-covered pussy. “Goddamn,” he murmured to himself before bringing his hands up to push her shorts down to her feet.
He pulled his hands back and used one to trace the lace border of her underwear, loving how she started breathing harder in response. Xander leaned in and spread his tongue in between his fingers, licking the smooth skin of her pelvis and biting down on her hipbones. He loved the swells of her body, the hills and valleys of her ass and waist and legs. He couldn’t keep himself from squeezing as hard as he could onto her hips, making her cry out. “Is that okay? Did I hurt you?” he whispered as he kissed her belly button again. In the past, he would bite and pull and push and just know it was okay, totally confident in himself. But now he felt more conscious of himself, more worried he was going to do something wrong and hurt her.
“It’s good,” Olivia whispered back, reaching her hand down to ruffle his hair. “So good.”
Xander smiled up at her and returned to his work, nibbling around her underwear until she was whimpering above him. “You smell really good,” he whispered to her, pressing his face into her panties. “I wanna taste you.”
“Mmm please,” Olivia said back, tightening her grip in Xander’s hair.
He kept tickling around her underwear, causing her to lift her hips off the bed. Xander stuck one hand under her body, clutching onto her ass. Olivia moaned out again, high and desperate, while Xander used his other hand to pet her pussy over her underwear. “I can feel you getting wet,” he whispered.
Olivia traced her fingers over his scalp, tickling Xander’s skin and making him grunt lowly into her pussy. Xander played with the side of her underwear, scratching lightly on the exposed skin before pulling the fabric of the panties aside to reveal her labia. “Jesus, fuck, such a sweet little pussy you have,” Xander whispered before leaning in to breathe on her skin.
She laughed breathlessly above him, messing up his hair. “The better to fuck you with, my dear,” she said, immediately falling into a fit of adorable high-pitched giggles.
Xander loved the sound of that laughter. She sounded so free, so light. He wanted more of that. He wanted to make her sink into the bed. He wanted to make her melt completely in his hands and mouth. He flicked his tongue out to press against her exposed lips. Olivia cried out again and arched her hips, pushing her ass back more into his hand. Xander squeezed her butt, slipping a finger between her cheeks, while he opened his mouth and started making out with her pussy.
Xander pulled back for a second and used his free hand to pin her hands down under one of his pillows. “Stay still,” he ordered her before traveling back down her body and licking between her wet, dripping lips. He started sucking, first on the right, then on the left, over and over again until Olivia was squealing. He started alternating between sucking and licking, back and forth, back and forth, getting her wetter and hotter under his touch. “You like this?” he whispered into her pussy.
Olivia moaned loudly. “I really like it. I really fucking do.”
“Yeah, baby?” Xander asked before dragging his tongue painfully slowly over her clit. “You want more of it?”
“Yes, I do, I really fucking do, give me, give me it,” Olivia rambled.
“Ask. Nicely,” Xander ordered her, digging his finger harder in between her ass, his fingertip dancing around her hole.
“Unnh! Unh, please, please, please give me, please give me more, baby, baby, baby, please!” she cried out.
Xander immediately obeyed, diving mouth-first into her pussy again, this time latching his tongue and lips and teeth all around her clit, sucking as hard as he possibly could. Olivia shrieked, pushing her pussy farther into his mouth. He could taste her sweet juices, that delicious nectar. He wanted to swallow all of it. He wanted to drink her up, take her inside, keep her safe.
He started circling her asshole faster and faster, making her rock back and forth between his mouth and his hand, bouncing and moaning with every motion of her hips. Xander brought his free hand up to play with one of her nipples while he circled his tongue in thick, wide circles that narrowed more and more with every rotation around her clit. Xander swore he could feel her heartbeat through her pussy, pounding right against his tongue.
“Please! Please!” Olivia moaned, arching up and down, up and down, fucking his face faster and faster.
Xander pulled back to gather his breath and wipe his wet chin, still playing around with her asshole. “What do you want, baby?”
“Your cock,” Olivia groaned, jerking her hips back and forth until the tip of his finger disappeared inside of her.
“Yeah?” Xander asked, slowly rotating his finger around inside her before pulling back and jerking it in and out in slow, rhythmic motions. “You want me to fuck you?”
Olivia nodded and breathed raggedly, her chest rising up and down frantically. Her entire body was flushed red.
Goddammit, she looks so fuckable, Xander thought. He dragged his free hand down from her chest to her stomach and then down to the hot wet sacred little spot between her legs. Xander slipped a finger inside of her pussy, pumping it in and out a few times before adding another one. He fucked her gently, trying to get her as open as possible. “You want my fucking cock?” he repeated.
“Yes, yes, please,” Olivia hissed out, reaching her hand down to press his fingers in deeper into her pussy.
After another few seconds, Xander pulled his fingers out of both holes and crawled back up Olivia’s body, grabbing hold of her neck and kissing her deeply. “I’m gonna give you what you deserve,” he whispered into her mouth before sliding his tongue inside.
Olivia spread her legs farther apart, and Xander grabbed his cock, guiding it over to her hole. “Please, please, please,” she murmured into his mouth, bringing one hand out from under the pillow to clutch onto the back of his head. She jerked her hips forward, bringing his bare cock into of her pussy.
“Oh, god, fuck!” Xander cried out. He could feel everything, her bare wet walls opening for him. She was so fucking tight. He bit down on Olivia’s shoulder, trying to muffle the noises that threatened to leave his mouth. Xander sucked hard on her skin, wanting her to feel as good as he did. He pushed deeper inside of her, more and more, pulling in and out, in and out, until he finally buried himself all the way inside. “God, that’s good,” he whispered.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Olivia breathed out, digging her nails into the back of his neck.
Xander launched himself forward, fucking her a little harder and faster. She was so wet, practically dripping around him. He wanted to give her all his cock. He wanted to give her everything.
Olivia arched up into his body, fucking him back as hard as he pushed into her. Xander loved how her hand felt on his head and neck, but he wanted her to feel completely covered, completely taken care of. He pulled her hand off the back of his neck and pinned it back down to the bed.
“Fuck me harder, baby. Fuck me harder,” Olivia grunted into his ear, tangling her fingers with his at the head of the bed.
Xander immediately obeyed, shoving his length in and out, quicker than before. But he still held back. He wanted her to lose control, completely break apart beneath him. He kept one hand on hers, pinning her down to the bed, while his other traveled slowly down her body, pushing his nails lightly into her waist and hips and ass before his fingers found her clit, rubbing up and down while his cock pulled in and out.
The bed started squeaking loudly, probably loud enough that anybody in the floor beneath them could tell what they were doing, but Xander didn’t fucking care. He wanted everybody to know she was his. She seemed to get tighter and tighter around him, practically swallowing him up. He pushed in and out faster, making the bed rock up and down. Xander’s fingers started moving faster, flying over her clit. Olivia cried out, and Xander could see her face screwed up in pleasure, eyes shut tight and mouth open wide, moaning out curses.
“I’m gonna fucking come,” Olivia whined, sounding higher and needier than she’d ever been before.
Xander clutched harder onto her fingers and bounced his hips forward, digging his cock in as deeply as he could while his fingers jerked her clit frantically.
Olivia cried out, squeezing his hand painfully as she rode through her orgasm, her pussy jerking up and down in hot spasms that just never seemed to end. Xander loved every second of it, feeling her tighten around his cock. It was making him fly over the edge, losing feeling in every inch of his body except for his throbbing cock.
After her pussy stopped pulsing, Olivia sunk deeper into the bed, her fingers going limp inside of his. Xander kept fucking her, going as hard as he ever had. “Is it—Is this okay?” he asked in between long, panting breaths.
“Mm-hmm,” Olivia murmured, obviously utterly drained beneath him.
Xander’s cock started tingling. He felt like he was going to explode, just completely shatter apart inside of her. “I’m gonna—” he warned, but by then it was too late. He was coming. He was going to fuck his seed deep inside of her. Xander jolted inside of her, spilling out his come in spurts. He pushed in and out, not consciously, but because his body just couldn’t stop, continuing to move inside of her until he ran out of steam completely.
He fell on top of her, absolutely collapsing like a deflated balloon. He had nothing left to give. He felt like he disappeared inside Olivia and if he fell out of her, he would stop existing.
Xander might’ve blacked out for a few seconds, or a few minutes, or an hour. He couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that when he opened his eyes again, Olivia’s sweet eyes were looking up at him, shining like stars.
“Xander,” she murmured, and her voice had never sounded as sweet to him as it did right now. “It’s time we admit the truth, right?” Olivia whispered, reaching a hand up to thread her fingers through his hair again.
Xander felt fear flash through his chest like lightning, brief and powerful. But he pushed it away, swallowing hard and focusing his eyes on her despite the post-orgasm fog that threatened to overtake his mind. “The truth?” he prompted her.
Olivia licked her lips, clearly nervous. If Xander had any energy left in his body he would have launched himself forward and kissed away the anxiety on her face. Instead he just nodded a little in encouragement, waiting for her to speak. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before clearing her throat. “I, um, I mean. About us.”
“The truth about us?” Xander repeated, as if his brain was switched off and he could only parrot things back to her.
Olivia nodded and visibly swallowed. “About what we are to each other, you know?”
“Oh.” Amazingly, it still took Xander a few seconds to understand what she meant, his brain was still so foggy from their fucking. But when realization hit, it struck him like a hammer to the head. He started blinking rapidly, making Olivia’s worried face disappear and reappear while he tried to gather his screaming thoughts into a coherent sentence. “I, um. I,” he stuttered pathetically.
Olivia straightened up and sat cross-legged on the bed, shifting a few inches away from Xander. “If it’s not the same for you, I…I get it. I don’t…I didn’t expect that, but I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”
“No, no, I—” Xander started to say, but Olivia cut him off.
“No, I get it, really,” she said, starting to get to her feet, leaning over to grab her underwear off the floor. “I was…I was just trying it out, you know. I told you, I don’t really do this type of shit, but if it’s not like that for you, I can just as easily go back to the way things were. It’s not a big deal.” But she was frantically grabbing spilled articles of clothing off the floor and slipping them onto her body.
When Olivia started heading in the direction of the stairs, Xander got to his feet, willing his legs to work well enough so he could cross the room before she disappeared. “Olivia. Olivia, stop.”
“No, Xander, it’s okay, really,” she said in a voice that was clearly intended to sound casual. “I’ll see you tomorrow. For work.”
Xander caught up and grabbed onto her elbow, gently but firmly pulling her backwards. “No. Stop. Come on, let’s talk.”
Olivia laughed humorlessly. “You want to talk? You?”
“Yeah, I get it, it’s funny,” Xander said partly sarcastically. “But hold up a minute. You didn’t even let me speak. Just give me one fucking second.”
Olivia groaned a little under her breath before turning around to face him. “Okay. Fine. Talk.”
Her face was still screwed up into a scowl. Xander resisted the urge to reach up and smooth her frown lines away. “Okay, look,” Xander started. “I know I come off…a certain way.”
Olivia just stared blankly at him.
“I’m not good at the fucking mushy feeling shit,” Xander said. “I never have been. I’m trying here.”
There was silence for several long excruciating moments before Olivia finally sighed, averting her eyes from his face. “Trying to say what?”
Xander felt his face heat up. “Do I really have to spell it out?”
“Yes!” Olivia said. “Yes, you do. I have no fucking clue what you’re trying to tell me here.”
He rubbed the side of his mouth nervously, trying to get his skin to stop itching like it was on fire. “When we first started fucking, you know, I told you…I told you we couldn’t do this whole big thing. Remember?”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Because it’s too dangerous or something, right?”
Xander just nodded, feeling about two inches tall, but he was trying to put on a hard face.
She stepped a little closer to Xander but crossed her arms. “I think I know the life by now. You’ve shown me the best of it and the worst of it and I’ve handled it all. But no, you have to act like you’re this big tough guy that nobody can ever possibly keep up with. It’s not fucking cute. It’s patronizing and I’m sick of it.”
“Okay—” Xander started but was again cut off.
“You treat me like I’m a little kid. Like I can’t handle the most basic shit and I’m sick of it. I deserve better. I deserve better than to be treated like that.”
Xander felt his heart drop down into his stomach. “Yeah. You do,” he said softly, looking at the ground.
Olivia sighed. “No, that’s not what I—I didn’t mean it like that,” she said in a lower voice. “Obviously, I want you to…I want you to be…with me.”
Xander looked up again to see Olivia blushing deep red. He leaned forward, aiming for her mouth, but Olivia turned her face and he ended up kissing her cheek. He grasped her head with his hands and turned her face back to look him in the eyes. “I wish you didn’t,” he whispered. “I wish you didn’t want that.”
“I know,” Olivia said back, eyes still glued to the floor. “But can’t you see why that bothers me? I want you to see me differently. I want you to, you know, trust me.”
“It’s not that I don’t,” Xander replied. “I just…If anything were to happen…” Xander cleared his throat and leaned forward again, pressing their foreheads together. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
Olivia shook her head and pulled back from him. “You’re not living with yourself now. You’re still punishing yourself for Marta, acting like you don’t deserve anything good.”
Xander rushed to deny it. “It’s not like that at all.”
“Just…just let me say this, okay?” Olivia said. Xander nodded, biting his lip in anxiety. “I’ve been following the group around for over a month now. I’ve been present for drug deals and gun deals and whatever else. I’ve been in some shit, is what I’m trying to say. And the whole time, something bad could have happened, to you, to me, to fucking Ezra, to anybody. And you’ve let me be here. What would change if we were together, really together? Why would that suddenly make someone kill me?”
Xander opened his mouth to answer, but no words came. He racked his brain, trying to find the exact reason that would explain everything, that would reveal why it was so much worse for them to be together, but he couldn’t come up with anything for the life of him. So, he just stared at Olivia, whose face hardened before him.
“You can’t do it. You can’t answer me because it’s bullshit. It’s always been bullshit. That’s not why you refuse to do anything but fuck. The answer is somewhere in here,” Olivia said while pressing her finger on Xander’s chest, right over his heart.
“It’s not—I don’t— Fuck,” Xander said, sighing deeply. “I don’t know what you want me to say here, Olivia.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t say anything,” Olivia said, dropping her finger from his chest and stepping away from him. For a second, Xander was terrified Olivia was going to turn and bolt down the steps, but she just walked over to his kitchen, opening his fridge and cracking open a beer. “You want one?”
Xander shrugged. “Sure.”
She cracked open a second beer and gestured for Xander to follow her over to his couch. “Maybe I’ll talk, and you can listen,” she said.
Xander followed her and gladly took the beer, chugging a third of it in a few seconds as he flopped down on the couch, still naked and vulnerable.
Olivia ran a hand through her hair and blew out her breath. “So I guess I am doing some counseling today,” she started, laughing a little. Xander wanted to return the favor and break the tension, but he just couldn’t bring himself to make any noise. “Um, so I guess, all I can do is give you my theory of things. About why you want me to stay away.”
Xander shifted uncomfortably on the couch beside her and remained silent.
“I think there’s a part of you that does want to protect me. You know, I know you’re an honorable guy, underneath it all. But not from the club. Or at least not just from the club, and the life that comes along with it. It would be easier if Marta just got shot, if nothing else contributed to her death, you know? But it wasn’t like that, right? It’s like you told me. If she hadn’t been high, maybe the same thing would have happened, but maybe not, and that’s what kills you, right?”
Xander shrugged, but when Olivia kept staring at him, he gave a short nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I feel like you would know better than me.”
Olivia nodded back and took a large gulp from her beer. “Right. So it’s the club, for bringing her in contact with the drugs, but it’s also you. It’s you because you think you should have been able to prevent it, or stop it before it got really bad, or keep her from taking it that day and getting on a bike. So you blame yourself.”
“I—” Xander started to say, but this time he cut himself off. “I don’t know.”
“Right. Well, I think I do,” Olivia said. “I know it’s hard to accept, but there’s a lot of guilt in there, and it’s hurting you. Maybe it’s killing you, making you do the things you do every day. And it’s making you stay away from me. Because somewhere in the back of your brain, you think it’s not the club that’s poison. It’s you, and whoever touches you has to deal with the consequences. That’s what you believe. I mean, that’s what I think.” She stopped talking and drank again, tipping the bottom of the bottle up to the ceiling.
Xander drank his beer deeply, trying to catch up with Olivia. Honestly, she was scaring him a little bit. She was breathing heavily, her chest heaving up and down like she had been running rather than talking. He wanted to take the beer away from her and make her calm down.
Olivia finished her beer and placed it on the ground. “So, you’re protecting me from you, because as long as we’re fucking you think your dark poisonous influence won’t touch me. Like by loving me or liking me or whatever you’ll just hurt me, or worse. And…and then there’s the other part of it,” she said before getting back on her feet and walking back to his kitchen to pour herself a shot of whiskey.
“You want to slow down there a bit, sailor?” Xander suggested. But Olivia just shook her head, downed the shot, and poured the next one. For a second, Xander hoped it was for him, partly because he needed something to break the fear that was clutching so hard at his chest. But she walked back over to the couch and started sipping at the shot.
“The other thing,” Olivia said in between little sips of her whiskey. “The other thing.”
“What’s the other thing?” Xander asked, trying to keep his voice from trembling as noticeably as his hands were. She’d just accused him of thinking of his love as poison, and yet he was still terrified of what more she had to say.
“The other thing is related. It’s all under the big Marta umbrella. Everything is about her,” she said, her tone sounding a little bitter.
Is she jealous of Marta? Xander wondered. He didn’t know whether to feel defensive or worried about that.
“Marta. You love her.”
Xander threaded his fingers together and stared down at the spots of empty space around his own skin. “Yeah. Yeah, I loved her.”
“You love her. Present tense,” Olivia corrected him.
“What’s the difference?” Xander asked, starting to feel growing frustration.
Olivia finished her shot and got up again to refill her glass. She continued talking in the kitchen as she poured herself more whiskey. “You haven’t let her go. It’s normal. A lot of people take years to move on from a relationship like the one you had.”
Anger flared up in Xander’s stomach, causing his spine to stiffen, making him sit up straighter. At first, he didn’t know why. He stared at Olivia as she walked back over to the couch, holding two glasses this time. She didn’t hand either of them to him. He opened his mouth to tell her she should slow down, but something else came out. “You know, I know you do this all the time, I guess, but I’m not just another one of your fucking patients or whatever. You shouldn’t act like you know everything about me, because I assure you, you don’t.”
Olivia nodded slowly and drank again. “Not everything, you’re right,” she conceded. “Just most of the important things.” She laughed and downed the rest of her first drink, moving on to the second.
Xander felt his anger burn brighter, and this time he couldn’t keep it out of his voice. “You shouldn’t…You shouldn’t fucking talk about her, okay? Just move on to the next thing you’ve decided is wrong with me.”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, there you have it,” Olivia said with a flick of her wrist. “Marta is sacred to you. It’s like you’re still protecting her, even now. Even from me.”
“What the fuck is your point?” Xander said, barely keeping himself from yelling.
“You act like you’re still dating her!” Olivia shouted. She scoffed right after and downed the rest of her drink, knocking her head back on the headrest of the couch. “You act like you’re still with her, and every time you get close to me you have to back away like I’m fire and you don’t want to get burned. Because you’re protecting her. Because she’s still your girlfriend. Because if you do more than fucking me then you’re really cheating on her and you can’t forgive yourself for that,” she said in a rush.
The words hung in the air, lingering over them like a dark cloud. Xander didn’t know what to say, or what to feel, or what to think. He just blew out his breath and got to his feet, walking over to the kitchen on autopilot. Xander poured himself a drink and walked back over to the couch, sitting down closer to Olivia than before, until their legs touched and Olivia moved away.
“Olivia,” Xander started. “Olivia, if you, if you really think all of this about me, why do you even want to…” He trailed off.
“Be with you?” Olivia supplied. Xander just nodded. “I guess I have a whole pack of issues myself.”
“That’s for damn sure,” Xander said before taking a drink.
“I don’t know,” Olivia began. “Maybe the fucked-up parts of me like the fucked-up parts of you. I guess I should analyze myself.”
Xander felt himself smiling. He reached over and put a hand on her knee, giving it a squeeze. For some reason the desire to comfort her overcame everything else he was feeling. “Yeah, I’d like to hear that.”
Olivia moved her hand over his, and for a second he thought she was going to push him off, but instead she wrapped her fingers around his hand, making him squeeze her leg harder. “Okay. So I’ve gone the last ten years without dating any guys. Probably because I have daddy issues, like most women my age. Then, I meet a guy, we have great sex, and all of a sudden I develop these stupid gross feelings out of nowhere. Probably because I know there’s no danger of them being reciprocated. So I know I’m still safe.”
Xander bit his lip and turned in his seat to face her side. He leaned in to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re not,” he said in a low voice, barely above a whisper.
“I’m not damaged? Coming from you, that doesn’t mean anything,” Olivia said with a teasing smile, turning a little to face him.
Xander shook his head. “No, no, you’re not safe. In any way imaginable,” he whispered, leaning in to brush his lips softly against her cheek.
Olivia swallowed hard and looked up into his eyes. “You’re saying you…want me?” Olivia asked, staring at him with wide, desperate eyes.
“I’m saying,” Xander began, having to swallow hard just to let the words come out. But there was no stopping them now. He had to say this, at least once. “I need you.”
Olivia crashed into Xander, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and smashing her mouth against his.
He returned the kiss, slipping his tongue against hers and moaning when she bit down gently onto his lip, but he pulled back after a second. “I do. I do. I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t. Whatever you say about it, I know it’s fucked up. I can’t…I shouldn’t…”
“You can, and you will,” Olivia argued back, kissing him so hard it almost hurt.
They fell backwards onto the couch, locked in each other’s embrace. The kiss never seemed to end. Olivia’s drifting hands were in his hair, on his face, on his chest. Xander clutched at her like she was about to disappear into thin air. He got hard again fast, but this time when Olivia slipped out of her underwear and climbed on top of him, he let her lead the way. She didn’t waste any time, sinking down onto his cock all at once, her pussy somehow still warm and wet and ready for it.
“You’re so…It’s so good,” Xander grunted out, his eyes still screwed shut as he leaned his face into her shoulder.
Olivia laughed above him and moved faster, still bouncing in long, deliberate motions that had his whole body quivering. She seemed to get wetter with every twitch of her hips, and Xander clutched at her back, at her ass, trying to hold on as she sped up again.
“I’m—I’m not gonna last,” he warned, feeling his orgasm creeping up on him even just a few minutes in.
Olivia didn’t say anything but instead bounced faster, her legs smacking loudly against his on every downward stroke. Her hands abandoned his chest and back, and Xander opened his mouth to complain.
“What are you—oh, oh!” One of her hands had somehow found their way under her own body to fondle at his balls. God, I’m on fire. I’m on fire, I’m not gonna live through this. I’m gonna crack open and spill everything I’ve ever had into her.
“Look at me,” Olivia ordered, her fingers pulling more insistently on his sac. “Look at me.”
Xander opened his eyes. She looked like a goddess above him, like the most powerful thing he’d ever seen in his life. He reached out to rub at her shoulders, down her arms, over her clothed torso, until he found her clit again and rubbed it gently. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered. He was afraid that if he said it any louder he would fuck it up. It had been so long since he’d said anything like that deliberately. But he didn’t want to take it back, not when Olivia’s face softened and she started fucking him even harder, taking him in and out at a ridiculous speed.
“I’m gonna come again,” she whispered, her head rocking back onto her shoulders. “God, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna—oh, oh!”
Xander felt her contract around him, and that was it. He was done. His cock shoved itself all the way inside of her and broke apart, jerking forward and back as it spilled his seed inside.
“Mmmm, that feels good,” Olivia murmured, bringing a hand down to play around in the wetness between her legs as she pulled off of him. “That’s nice.”
“Really? It’s not gross?” Xander asked. He had no idea how it would feel to have someone explode inside of you like that.
Olivia shook her head. “The opposite. It’s so fucking hot.” She removed her hand from her vagina and brought it up to her mouth, sticking one finger inside. “Mmm. Tastes good.”
“Jesus Christ,” Xander muttered. “I don’t…I don’t deserve you.”
“You do,” Olivia said back, leaning forward to kiss him lightly on the lips before settling in between his legs and resting her head on his chest. “You really do.”
They lay like that until the light faded from the windows, completely silent and slipping in and out of sleep for what felt like hours. At one point, Xander blinked awake, and for a second he was confused as to where he was until he heard Olivia’s steady, reassuring breathing.
“Do you think there’s a god?” Xander whispered into the dark, blindly reaching for Olivia’s hand. He wasn’t even sure if she was still awake, but he needed that contact. He needed to feel her.
“I do,” Olivia whispered back.
“What do you think happens…after?”
“After life?” Olivia asked. Xander didn’t say anything, but she must have gotten the impression the answer was yes, because she kept going. “I think we go to a warm place, someplace without judgment, without pain. That’s what I think. Or at least that’s what I hope happens.”
“Do you think they can see us? Dead people?” Xander asked.
Olivia was silent for a moment. “I don’t know.”
“I worry about that sometimes,” Xander said. “What Marta thinks about what I’m doing. If she’s disappointed. If she’s hurt.”
“So I was right earlier,” Olivia said, but there was no note of victory in her voice.
“I guess so. I don’t know,” Xander said, feeling uncertain. “It’s not like I don’t know she’s gone. It’s not like I’m waiting for her or anything. But…I just wonder. What she’s like up there. If she’s happy. If she’s mad at me for fucking her life up.”
Olivia turned on her side and scooted closer to Xander, their naked legs tangling together. “I think her love for you is as strong as it always was,” Olivia whispered before pressing soft kisses against Xander’s nose.
“I just hope she forgives me,” Xander whispered. “For not doing more. For not saving her.”
Olivia’s fingers brushed against his forehead, gently rubbing the tension away. “One day, I’m going to convince you it wasn’t your fault.”
“I don’t think you will, baby,” Xander said, and he realized after the fact that that was the first time he’d called her that outside of sex. “But I like that you keep trying.”
“I’m never going to stop. I’m never going to give up. It’s just not in my blood.”
Xander clutched her tighter to his body, almost wishing he could absorb her, keep her close always, keep her safe. But in the back of his mind he wondered, Maybe I am poison. Maybe everything I touch is destined to wither and die.
He stared at Olivia in the dark, and fear still grabbed at him. Was he just going to hurt her, take that precious courage and crush it under his feet?
He didn’t know. But for now, at least for the night, he wasn’t too afraid to try.