CHAPTER FIVE
LILLY
THE WALK TO THE PARK is always something I look forward to and need badly right now. I need to think through what I’m going to tell Jax tonight. Plus, I want to wear Kasey out so we can take a nap. He’s been on the go since I walked in the door, relieving Es from her night of babysitting. She agreed to watch him again tonight as long as I tell her about my night. She only knew I was planning on meeting Kasey’s dad. She also told me she is considering going on a date. Which I’m happy about. She’s finally taking the step to move on from what her fucking late husband did to her. It’s been over a year now, and she really deserves to be happy.
“Swide, Momma. Swide!” Kasey’s voice breaks though my thoughts and causes me to smile.
“That’s right, baby. You see the slide. We’ll be there in a few minutes, and you can slide all you want,” I tell him, reaching down and rubbing his head. He claps his hands, showing me how excited he is while I push him in the umbrella stroller closer and closer to the park.
“Swide and wing!” he screams at the top of his lungs, making me chuckle.
He’s slowly adding to his vocabulary, and it makes my heart melt when I hear him say “Momma.” He’s advanced for being fifteen months old and speaks a bit more than most kids his age. I think he’s a perfect mix of Jax and me…he has my hair color and lips but the rest is all Jax. I named him Kasey thinking I was naming him after his daddy in some way. But now, I wonder how Jax will feel once he hears the name I picked.
The thing is, Kasey knows who his daddy is. When I left the hotel, and got back to my Pee Paw’s house, I saw pictures he took on my phone. I quickly looked through my contacts to see if he programed his number and saw he didn’t. I assumed he couldn’t get it unlocked to add it. Once I found out I was pregnant, I printed the pictures and hung them in the nursery. I show Kasey the photos daily and tell him his daddy loves him. I now have doubts whether I did the right thing.
“Swide. Momma!” Kasey screams out once we make it to the corner where the park is located. I glance around and find the park is pretty full for it being a Tuesday, however school is out for the summer.
“Okay, baby. Let’s go slide,” I answer him as I make my way to the baby area of the park. This is the only park that has a section made just for kids under the age of two. I like the fact that it’s fenced in, and there’s only one way in and out.
After unbuckling him, he runs as best as he can to the gate. My breath catches in my throat, and I pray he doesn’t fall. I move to the fence to watch my little man play with a little girl who was there before him.
How am I going to break it to Jax that he has a son? How can I explain why I kept Kasey from him? And furthermore, how can we continue a relationship after he finds out?
The events of last night and this morning run through my mind, and I can’t help but smile at the thought of finally having a family again. To wake every morning in Jax’s arms would be my every dream come to life. Quite literally speaking, since I dreamed about it so often since that night. Watching the kids play in the fenced area has me thinking about future children with Jax. Would he want that? Would he even embrace being a dad now? Fear of the unknown threatens to swallow me whole, and I try to breathe past the lump in my throat at the possibility Jax might walk away for good after finding out about Kasey.
After a few deep breaths, I paste on a fake smile and watch Kasey laugh with the little girl while they go down the slide. I can only hope and pray it ends with Kasey at least having his dad in his life, even if it would kill me not being in that life with them.
JAXSON
I slowly make my way over to where Lilly and the little boy are. When I saw him running into the fenced-in area, pain filled my chest at the thought of him falling down. I don’t know why there is this pull toward him, but I honestly feel the need to reach out, pick him up, and never let him go.
I’m about three feet away when I hear the sweetest sound, next to Lilly’s voice, scream out.
“Momma. Wing.”
“Okay, baby, let’s go swing,” Lilly calls out as she makes her way to the gate.
She bends and picks up the little boy. His giggles fill the playground when she kisses him all over his face. A smile starts to spread, and I have visions of sitting on a couch with him in my lap, making the same giggles as I rub my unshaved face in his neck. I close my eyes in an attempt to keep the image in my head and wait for the panic to start. When it doesn’t come, I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer that I can get to the bottom of who his father is. If he isn’t in his life, then I can only hope and pray Lilly might give me the chance to fill that void.
“Daddy. Momma. Ook.” His voice saying the one word I wished was directed at me has me snapping my eyes open, hoping to catch who this guy is.
But I’m floored at what I see when my eyes land on them. He’s looking right at me, and his little finger points my way. Lilly stands frozen in shock.
“Eee, Momma. Daddy.” He starts wiggling to get out of her arms.
Carefully, she puts him down, and out of the corner of my eye, I see him take off at a run right toward me. However, I can’t turn my gaze from Lilly as tears start to run down her cheeks. I’m not sure why she’s crying, and before I can open my mouth to ask her what’s going on, something hits my leg. Glancing down, I find her son wrapping his arms, as best as he can, around my legs and looking up at me.
“Daddy. ‘ere. Wing,” he demands. I take in his face and recognition hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s the same familiar eyes, nose, and chin. They’re familiar because I see them every day in the mirror. “Tome, Daddy.”
I bend down, gather him in my arms, and hold him close. The pain of thinking he’s another man’s child is now replaced with the fact that I have a son and had no clue. I’ve missed so much and have no idea how to absorb what I now know.
Fingers gently brush over my shoulder, and I open my eyes. Lilly has joined us, her hand covering her mouth and regret pouring out through her gaze. The tears drip down her cheeks, and my anger slowly builds.
“Talk. Now,” is all I can get out through my clenched teeth while I hug my son tightly to me.