The Way You Break a Heart
Life happened.
New York was not an easy place to survive in, and in the beginning, we struggled to find jobs, and even when we did, life became a series of jobs, paydays, bills, and in there somewhere, we would sneak in time to be a couple. I truly thought we were okay. I was very low maintenance, I never despised our money situation or the ridiculously tiny apartment, because it seemed that was my life, and it was better than being without Callum, anywhere.
Until I came home that night from working two jobs, and he was angry. The minute I stepped inside, I was greeted by a plate flying dangerously close to my head and landing on the wall next to me, shattering loudly into bits.
I knew that look. The sadness in his eyes, the loneliness. Even though I was around, he was miles away, a total stranger. I knew our life wasn’t perfect, but is life ever? Wasn’t that the whole point? I didn’t understand his unhappiness.
“Callum—”
“I can’t keep doing this anymore,” he said.
“Keep doing what?”
“You’re fucking clueless,” he said, and I wasn’t expecting it. He had expressed anger before, he had expressed concern over money troubles, but never this way. He never attacked me like this before.
“We’ve barely been here two years,” I said.
“Two fucking years, is nothing to you?”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Callum.”
“That’s just it, Jess. You don’t know anything.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He was quiet for a really long time. “I don’t even know if I should be saying this.”
My heart was running at a million miles per second. Something wasn’t right, and I knew it. Maybe I’d known it before, I just hadn’t been able to face it. I should have noticed. I should have seen the signs. The late nights, the distance, the rebuke.
“I think I’m in love with someone else,” he said.
Everything around me was shattering, the loud noises were deafening but he couldn’t hear it. Of course, he didn’t, he loves someone else. I was stuck there, unable to move. Unable to speak. Dumfounded. He kept going, never realized the damaged he caused. “Jess, nothing happened,” he said. “You know I would never…” sleep with someone while I was still there? Is that it? He was waiting for me to leave so he could do it? A part of me wanted to grovel. A part of me wanted to throw the vase at him, and make him stay with me. But I knew it was pointless. I wasn’t desperate enough to use any tactics, to lure him into sleeping with me, or do something to gain his attention. That wasn’t me. I always suffer quietly. He’s the one who’s always dramatic, always needing attention. Always looking for something more exciting, not me. I knew he was making a mistake. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away from me, I was sure of that, but then my insecurities jumped in. I told myself he didn’t really care, that I was something he passed time with, a hobby until he found the right person to share his life with in New York. There was nothing left for me here.
“She’s just, cultured, and exciting. I never get bored of her. I feel like we’re a good match.”
He was still going on.
There was no way I could stay with him after that.
I stated packing my bags, and he kept stopping me. “Jess, don’t do it this way. Please. We’re more than a couple, you know that. I’m not going to let you leave this way! Let me help.”
That’s when I finally looked up and faced him. “We’re nothing, now, Callum. You’re saying you’re in love with someone who you haven’t even slept with! Don’t you realize what you’re doing? Does she even know how you feel? Has she reciprocated? What you’re feeling, isn’t love for goodness sake! For all your cultured, enlightened brain, you sure are dumb Callum!”
“You don’t know anything, Jess.”
It was then that I decided, there was no way to correct his delusion. The only way to find out if he was right or wrong, would be to let him play this game. If he thinks he can handle losing me, then great. I’ll live the rest of my life, wondering if I was ever worth it.
But I would never come back to him.
Our story was finished.
Or so I thought.