Smile and it Will Be Alright
The next morning, I woke up feeling different.
It was as though my body knew something amazing had happened.
All the nature sounds that I usually hated before my morning cup of coffee, sounded like music. I turned on the TV but I couldn’t focus. The image of Callum standing so close to me, the almost-kiss, hearing his voice again—
I ran a hand over the back of my neck, pretended it was his hand warming my body. I was embarrassed by my own thoughts. I felt my cheeks blush as a particularly deviant thought entered my brain and I forced myself to look at the female anchorperson trying to tell me how the latest bill passed was going to have a lasting effect on the economy. I still didn’t care. Not about the economy and not about the stupid politician, or the rest of the news. In my head, the only news worth reporting was that I almost kissed Callum Matheson and there were fireworks. There was something there, right? He came here to apologize! So, he must have wanted me too, probably just as much as I wanted him. I wondered if his morning was better because of me, just as mine was because of him.
This was not going to end well.
The safety procedures I had installed, were there for a reason. And Callum breached them. The protocol was simple enough: Be single until I become old and earn money, so I can live comfortably as an old person. I know what you’re thinking but it’s not quite as pathetic as it sounds. Oh, who am I kidding, it is pathetic but I had to protect myself somehow. And I was protected because for the past two years, no one hurt me. I was safe. I might have been in a bubble but that’s the cost of doing business. Bubbles are better than heartbreak. The stakes were too high; I couldn’t possibly let myself get carried away.
And yet I couldn’t help the spring in my step.
Equally appalled and ridiculously joyous I showered and spent a bit too much time dressing up for work. I even put on some makeup, a bright colored lipstick. I looked approvingly at the reflection I generated. When I came out of the house, everyone I met, I smiled at them. Some of them expected it, and others looked at me with doubtful stares. I was walking to the jewelry store when I saw Callum and stopped.
He was trying to fit his luggage into his dad’s car.
The birds stopped singing.
The air was filled with some of the most annoying noises I had ever heard.
Tears sprang to my eyes, and I turned my back to Callum to make sure he didn’t see them.
“Jess!” he yelled from across the street.
I wiped my tears and turned to face him.
He tried to wave and one of his bags dropped.
I forced myself to smile.
He was leaving.
Worse, he was leaving without saying goodbye.
I had to make it look like it wasn’t bothering me because what kind of crazy person gets sad over an ex leaving town? “I was about to call you,” Callum said and I knew that was a lie. I couldn’t believe it. After everything he had said and done last night, this was how he chose to do things. But that was Callum for you. One minute, he was the most loving person on the planet and the next he would do something that completely stumped you because it was so unexpected.
But I wasn’t about to let him know that this was bothering me. I couldn’t let him think that he left me stranded once again.
“You’re leaving I see?” I said, going over to him.
“I made plans for Christmas eve,” he said, and I noticed the sudden shift in his demeanor. He absently scratched his left ear. His speech was hesitant, uncertain. “Plus there’s an office thing tomorrow and I had a flight booked.”
He brought his fingers to his face, placed them underneath the chin and in two swift movements, ran them along his lower jaw. Callum probably isn’t aware of it, but he has a tell. I had to assume he was deceiving me for some reason. This is what he’s like, when he thinks he must get away with something. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. I didn’t know what to make of it. If I truly don’t matter to him, why does he care enough to lie? But if he cares, why is he leaving? He knows me. Knows how much it’s hurting me. He didn’t come all the way here just to hurt me again, did he? He can’t possibly be that cruel?
“Of course,” I said, hoping it came out as casual as I needed it to be.
“Jess,” he said, and for that moment reverted to his usual open demeanor. His words were sincere once more. “I’m glad I ran into you.”
I smiled again, a big fake one that made my jaw ache. “Yeah. Same here.”
He tried to hug me and I let him but I couldn’t put any warmth into it. What happened yesterday was a fluke, a mistake on both our parts and any effort to continue it would have been an even bigger mistake. I knew that. I’m not stupid. So why was my heart so heavy? Why did it feel like I was about to lose everything again? I couldn’t believe my brain was betraying me like that. The way it felt it was hard to hold back tears but I couldn’t turn this into some sentimental moment, and I didn’t want to waste any more tears on a person who didn’t deserve them. I had done enough of that during the several years we’d dated.
He pulled away when he realized I wasn’t about to get too emotional and went back to the luggage and the car. No lies this time, no tell. “I hope I see you again soon, Jess.”
The truthfulness in his eyes was back and the tears returned to mine.
I hope I never see you, Callum.