Chapter 19
“Miss?” Ruth said gently. “Miss? Will the blue gown suit you for this afternoon or would you rather I found something else in your wardrobe?”
“I beg your pardon, Ruth?” Charlotte said vacantly, knowing her maid had been speaking to her for some minutes. “Oh Ruth, forgive me. I do not mean to ignore you, really, I do not. I just do not seem able to concentrate on anything today. I am afraid it is going to be one of those days in which I cannot quite pull myself together.”
“I am so sorry.” Ruth sat down on the bed at her mistress’ side and took her hand. “You are thinking about him, are you not?”
“I wish it were not so, but yes, I am thinking about him,” Charlotte said with a sigh. “How I wish I had never sent him that letter. How I wish I had clung onto that much of my dignity instead of making a fool of myself.”
“You did not make a fool of yourself,” Ruth said firmly and squeezed her hand. “You forget that you showed me that letter, and it was very plain indeed. There was nothing in it for which you should feel ashamed, Miss, nothing at all. If anyone should feel ashamed, it is Lord Harrington for leaving the letter unanswered. You asked him a very simple question. You asked him for the truth, and he did not give it. That is his disgrace, Miss Charlotte, not yours.”
“You are so very kind,” Charlotte said and felt tears spring to her eyes. She was determined not to let them fall and blinked rapidly, casting her gaze away from Ruth for a moment. “And I know I should be angrier with him and less critical of myself. The truth is, when I do feel angry with him, I feel very much better.”
“Then concentrate on your anger for a while, Miss. Ordinarily, I would not suggest it, but if it serves you well on this occasion, then that is what you must do.”
Charlotte nodded thoughtfully, thinking Ruth, as always, was right. She knew also that she would have never managed the last weeks without Ruth’s constant companionship and firm allegiance.
But it was true that she wished she had never sent James the letter. Although she knew that Ruth was right, still she felt as if she had given away a little something of herself by being the one to reach out and ask questions.
Perhaps she ought to have, in the end, played the game just as he had done and said nothing. Perhaps she should have left him wondering exactly what it was she thought and felt just as he had left her to wonder in that same way.
The idea that she had alluded to their passionate kiss in that letter made her feel curiously exposed, vulnerable in some way, and she heartily wished that she could take it back.
“The problem is, Ruth, that I find it very hard to maintain my anger with him for long. After all these weeks without a word from him, I am ashamed to admit that my feelings for him are still so very strong. If I could erase it somehow, be done with it completely, I would be so grateful. And I would never be so foolish again as to give my heart to any man.”
“But there is nothing to say that they are all the same. I daresay that we are all crossed in love at some point in our lives, in some way or another. But that does not mean you cannot love somebody else in the future, Miss. You are only twenty, and I am sure you will mend. I know you think of him now, but as time passes, perhaps that will dwindle, and you will come to see it as an episode in your life of little consequence.” Even Ruth did not sound entirely convinced of her words, but Charlotte was grateful for them anyway.
“What you say makes a good deal of sense, my dear. But I can hardly explain to you how I feel at this moment for I fear that I would weep.”
“You know you may weep in my presence, Miss. You know you may be entirely yourself.”
“I know, but I am afraid that if I begin, I shall not stop.” Charlotte paused for a moment to gather herself again. “But I am firm in what I say. As weakened as this has made me feel, I will not let myself come to this again. I will not give my heart away, however great the inducement.”
“But to stay here forever and never marry? That cannot be the life you would wish for yourself.”
“No, I do not intend to stay here forever and never marry; I shall just never give my heart away.”
“Then who will you marry?” Ruth said and seemed justifiably confused.
“I will marry a man of strong common sense and decent wealth. A man I can get along with well enough, but most importantly, a man I will never love. I had wanted to marry for love, you see, and never more so than when James Harrington was in my life. But look where it brought me. Look how close to tears I am at any given moment. Really, my weakness has made me ashamed, and I know that I cannot do this to myself again.”
“But to marry somebody you cannot love,” Ruth said almost plaintively.
“Will be the most sensible thing I have ever done,” Charlotte said and suddenly felt calmer.
It was as if she had, at that moment, made a decision that would keep her life free of discontentment and her heart safe from harm. She was comforted by her own decision, even if her pain in the face of her loss was still so great.
“I cannot help saying that I hope time will see you change your mind,” Ruth said and held Charlotte’s hand all the tighter.
“I think it is far safer for me to remain firm. Do not worry about me; I shall not live without love altogether. I have you, for one thing, and I shall love my children no matter who their father is. But this! This dreadful feeling of helplessness! This is something that I will never subject myself to again.
It had taken Hector Hanover no more than twenty minutes to unpack his belongings before he came cantering down the main staircase of Sandford Hall and into the drawing room where James was waiting for him.
“I say, is it too early for a brandy? Even a sherry would do it,” Hector said brightly.
“Not at all,” James said and rose to make his way to the drinks cabinet. “Which is it to be?”
“Erm, sherry I think. But if it is to be sherry, perhaps it ought to be a large one.” Hector chuckled.
“As you wish,” James said and poured them both a very large helping of sherry.
Hector had already made himself comfortable in one of the fireside chairs, and so James joined him, handing him the sherry glass before sitting down himself.
There was a fire in the grate, albeit not a large one, but it was enough to keep the chill off the afternoon. It was late summer, and it seemed that autumn was keen to make its presence felt as soon as possible.
“I must say, I am glad that you have invited me over to Sandford, my dear chap. I honestly thought I might never see you again.” Hector laughed, but it was clear that there was a little seriousness in his humorous assertion.
“I must beg you to forgive me, Hector. I am sure that you know I would not have disappointed you and your father time and time again as has happened. You must realize that my father played a very heavy hand in it all.”
“You do not need to beg for my forgiveness, James,” Hector said, and his tone had, quite uncharacteristically, become serious. “I knew immediately that the Duke was at the root of it all. But I must admit that I do not know how, and worse still, I do not know what to say to Charlotte. I rather dread any future meeting with my cousin and her father.”
“And for that, I really must beg your forgiveness Hector, for I would never have wanted to put you in such an awkward position.”
“Look, just tell me what is going on, James. You do not look like yourself at all.” He held up a hand when it looked as if James was about to speak. “No, no, my dear fellow. I can hardly believe it is only a few weeks since I last saw you because you truly look to have aged.”
“That is an awful low blow to give a fellow who is already down.” James attempted to put their friendship back on its old, comfortable footing of amusement and banter but was failing miserably.
“Well, you know me,” Hector said, trying to play along but quickly abandoning the pretense. “But it is true, you do look as if you lack the correct amount of sleep presently. So, I shall ask you again, what on earth has happened? Why have you seemingly abandoned the young lady I thought you were set to propose to?”
“You must believe me when I tell you that I would not have abandoned Charlotte easily. And yes, I do not sleep well at the moment and cannot think that I ever will again.” James sighed before taking a large gulp of his sherry that drained half the glass. “But there is very little I can tell you.”
“What on earth do you mean?”
“What I mean is, there is very little I can tell you without putting Charlotte in a most dreadful situation.”
“A dreadful situation? Something to do with your father?” Hector said and sat up a little straighter in his seat with a face that was a picture of concern. “But what has he done?”
“My father would seem to have had a great knowledge of my friendship with Charlotte for much longer than I would have given him credit for. And not only that, but he has sought out information that would prevent me from marrying her.”
“But there is nothing in Charlotte’s life, nothing I tell you, that would make her unsuitable,” Hector said in a surprisingly protective tone. “I know I do not know her well, but I am sure I know her well enough to know that there is no scandal about her. She is a very fine woman, James.”
“She is the finest woman, as far as I am concerned, and nothing will ever change my opinion of her. But you know well the sort of man my father is; you have heard me speak ill of him since we were just boys, for goodness sake. Anyway, I have made it clear to you many times that he is a devious man, one who would stick at nothing to get his own way.”
“And so, he has stopped you from seeing her?”
“Very successfully,” James said, and with his second gulp, emptied his sherry glass.
He rose and returned to the drinks cabinet once again, pouring himself another. He looked over his shoulder to Hector and raised his eyebrows in silent question.
“No, no thank you. I have barely started this one,” Hector responded. “But tell me, how is it that your father has managed to stop you from consorting with Charlotte Cunningham?”
“He has made a threat to me that he will make public a piece of information that one of his employees, undoubtedly his attorney, has stumbled upon. Please do not ask me to tell you what that information is, for I cannot. But suffice it to say that it would be particularly painful for Charlotte to discover it, not to mention the fact that it would cause harm to her father also. You see, my father realizes that I am in love with Charlotte, and that I would do anything to protect her. And so, he is to use that against me, my dear friend. He has managed to make me hurt Charlotte of my own free will. He is clever, is he not?”
“I would say that he is rather more cunning than clever, James. Not to mention despicable.” Hector shook his head and glared into the flames. “Really, were I not a guest in this house, I would have it out with him.”
“I know you would, Hector. I have sought to do the same myself, but I realized very quickly that I have already lost this battle. There is no way to win it, you see, for I have looked at it under every light and from every angle. In order to protect Charlotte from knowledge that would hurt her, I must hurt her with what she will undoubtedly see as my indifference.”
“But can you not tell her at least as much as you have told me? Would that not make things easier?”
“Do you not see that I would still have to say goodbye to her? I cannot marry her; the Duke has made that very clear. That is the point at which he would make everything known to the whole county, and he would collapse the Cunninghams as if they were no more than a deck of cards to him. I cannot do it to her, and I cannot do it to her father.”
“Well, whatever this piece of information is, I am bound to tell you that I am inordinately grateful to you, James, for your discretion and your protection of my relatives,” Hector said, and his declaration was absolutely heartfelt; James knew it.
“And I must ask you to help in it all, Hector. You must never press me for the details, for I cannot give them. But worse than that, you cannot give Charlotte any hint that things are anything other than she undoubtedly thinks them to be. It is imperative that she believes that I have simply turned my back on her. Anything else would lead to questions that I cannot answer, and if I am tempted to ease her mind in any way, I risk revealing just enough to let her know that there is something to be told, a secret to be known. And then she would never have peace, would she? She would never be able to move on with her life and find happiness for the fear that there is something in the history of the Cunninghams that would return one day to knock on her door.”
“I say, you really have thought about this very thoroughly, have you not?” Hector said, and James could easily sense his friend’s pity for him.
“And I promise you that I shall never press you for the details, James. Even though they are my relations, I cannot expect you to protect them one moment and expose them the next, even if it is only to me. And, in truth, I cannot help thinking that it is something that I would rather not know.” Hector finally took a large draw on his sherry. “Cowardly, am I not?” He grinned, and James was grateful for the moment of respite.
“Not at all, my dear fellow. Not at all.”
“You must have no fear that I will do anything other than what you have asked me, James. I will never mention anything of this conversation to Charlotte, nor will I give her any explanation for your continued absence. I will simply tell her that I do not know.”
“And I am afraid that I shall be unable to attend Hanover much in the future. At least not until my father has deemed it safe at any rate.”
“By safe, I assume you mean when you are married away to a woman of his choosing instead of a woman of your choosing?”
“Yes. But since that is not going to happen, then I fear I shall not see you a great deal unless you make the journey here.”
“I am always happy to come to Sanford Hall, my dear fellow. For one thing, your father despises me, and so I am not subjected to any of his dubious company.” Hector laughed.
“As far as that is concerned, I believe that you and I are both in the same boat. I always knew that my father did not hold me in particularly high regard, but I can only assume that the delight he has taken in upending my life could signify nothing but the deepest dislike of me.”
“Perhaps it is better, in the end, to know exactly where you stand,” Hector said, and James was grateful to him for not trying to pretend that things were otherwise.
As far as James was concerned, he no longer had a father. He would not say it out loud, but he would know it in his heart.
“Thank you, my old friend,” James said and raised his glass in Hector’s direction.
“What do you say we finish off this sherry and get started on the brandy. You might as well drink away your sorrows, and since I have no objection, perhaps I shall join you.”
“What a very fine idea,” James said and set off for the drinks cabinet once more.