Jackson
MY HEART WAS POUNDING, STOMACH cramping, and I felt a little light-headed as I followed the GPS to where Julie had been hiding for the past year.
As I eased up to the curb, I noticed Mick getting out of a beat-up old Army Jeep. As his large body lumbered toward me, my gaze kept darting to the large house to the right of us. There was nothing homey or cozy about it; no, it was nothing like the home we’d build together. This one was flashy. Ostentatious.
“She’s in there,” Mick assured me as he approached. “I saw her come back about twenty minutes ago and she hasn’t reemerged.”
I nodded, unable to find my voice quite yet.
“I’ll wait out here, unless you need me to come with you,” Mick stated, his eyebrow raised. I wasn’t sure if that eyebrow was him daring me not to be a wuss, or him simply waiting for my reply, but I took a deep breath and dug deep.
“No, I’ve got it,” I replied, clutching the manila folder that held my key to freedom.
Mick leaned against the side of my truck as I rounded it and walked slowly up the sidewalk, as if I were walking The Green Mile. I felt an adrenaline rush at the thought of finally having this confrontation, months and months of questions and a myriad of feelings swimming through me, as I approached the door and knocked.
Nothing . . .
I rang the doorbell and waited.
Nothing . . .
“Are you sure she’s still here?” I shouted back at Mick, who gave me a look like I should know better than to question him.
A second later, I heard noise from the other end of the door, and was adjusting my glasses nervously on my nose when it opened. My breath caught, but it took me a full three count to realize that the woman standing in front of me was, in fact, Julie.
Everything about her was different.
She was wearing a string bikini, which showed off the fact that she’d had her breasts enlarged and that she was tiny, like really, really tiny. I could probably wrap my arms around her waist if I wanted to, which I didn’t. Her naturally dark hair had been bleached to almost a white blonde, and her nose looked different. Not a drastic change, but enough that I knew she’d had work done.
Her skin was dark, tanned, which highlighted the stretch marks that had developed when she was pregnant with Kayla. Those marks, along with her eyes, were the only evidence that this was the Julie that I’d been married to.
“Jackson?” Julie breathed out, her smile faltering. “What are you doing here? How’d you find me?”
I looked over my shoulder at Mick, and Julie leaned to the side to see around me, then righted herself as I struggled to make the words come out of my mouth. To say I was shocked, flabbergasted, reeling, would be an understatement.
“Well, at first I thought you’d come back,” I began, my voice scratchy as if I’d just woken from a long slumber. “Then I worried you’d been hurt. Eventually, I just stopped caring.” Her flinch told me that I’d hit my target, but even though I’d wanted to inflict pain on her, just as she had on me, I realized that this wasn’t why I was there, and it didn’t make me feel any better to hurt her. “Once I hired him,” I gestured over my shoulder at Mick with my thumb, “it wasn’t that hard. You’ve been here the whole time?”
“Why don’t you come inside,” Julie offered, stepping back a bit and gesturing behind her.
“I don’t want to,” I said, a little more forcefully than necessary. “I just came here for some answers, and to give you this.” I held the envelope up in between us, then dropped my hand again.
“What’s that?” she asked, but I shook my head and said, “Answers first.”
Julie sighed, as if I were the one being unreasonable, then stated, “I already told you when I left, I needed time to find myself. To be me.”
“But you never said why, or how you weren’t already being you . . . I don’t understand, and Kayla surely doesn’t. Do you remember her, your daughter? She just turned nine, did you even remember it was her birthday?”
My emotions were getting the better of me, and I couldn’t stop, even though I saw her flinch again at my rant.
“How was I holding you back? How was being a mother? I don’t get it? I never denied you anything, or told you no when you wanted to do something. Our relationship wasn’t like that, at least I didn’t think so. I thought we were partners, that we shared everything and used each other for support when we needed it. You totally blindsided me, Julie. One second I thought everything was fine, and the next, you were gone. What happened?”
I realized I needed to actually breathe and pause, to let her respond, and I needed to gain control before I embarrassed myself by crying in front of her. Or, God forbid, in front of Mick. Heaving with emotion, I watched her face. She crinkled her nose up, just like she always did when she was nervous, then shifted her weight from her left foot to her right.
“I read this book, then watched a YouTube video, about settling. About becoming something you want for the sake of others, and I realized that I’d never gotten to live the life that I’d always dreamed of as a kid. I never sowed my oats, or went wild, or just, you know, lived. We never meant to get pregnant and married like that, neither of us did, but we did what we had to and you seemed to thrive, Jackson. It was obvious you loved being a father and a husband, and your job . . . you really enjoyed teaching. You were happy. And the happier you were, the more I began to resent you.”
“Why?” I asked, the question coming out strangled.
“Because I wasn’t happy. I loved you and Kayla, I did, I swear, but it felt like you were sucking the life out of me. And the more time that passed, the less of me there was. Reading that book was like waking up after sleeping for ten years. We only get one life, and it’s pretty short, and I knew if I didn’t leave, and go figure out what I wanted, who I wanted to be, I’d be lost.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you felt that way? I would have helped you try and figure things out. I never wanted you to be unhappy,” I asked imploringly, because she was right, I had been happy and I’d had no idea that my wife wasn’t.
“I don’t know, I just couldn’t. I’m sorry that I left like that, sorry that I hurt you, but I’ve found what I was looking for, Jackson. I am happy.” Julie attempted a smile, shifted again, and I knew she was as ready to be done with the conversation as I was, but I still had to ask . . .
“And, Kayla? What about our daughter? Don’t you miss her? Want to see her?” I’d already come to terms with things being over between the two of us, but I couldn’t understand her not needing to see Kayla.
Julie bit her lip and looked away.
“I think it’s better this way . . .”
“Better for her to grow up without her mother?” I pushed, my tone conveying my disbelief, my anger.
“I don’t have anything to offer her right now, maybe some day . . .”
Holding up my hand again, I shoved the manila envelope at her.
“These are divorce papers. I’m asking for full custody, the house, everything . . . everything you left behind. If you want to fight me for Kayla, I’ll fight, but if you want half of the house or anything in it, we can sit down and draw up new papers.”
I was done. Angry, heartbroken for my daughter, and eager to get back to Millie, her sisters, and my friends. I needed a strong drink, the arms of the woman I was falling for, and tomorrow, I would hug my daughter until she had no doubt in her mind that I loved her enough for two parents.
“I don’t want anything,” Julie said, taking the papers from my hand.
“There’s a pen in there, and a yellow tab next to everywhere you need to initial and sign.”
She nodded and began doing just that.
“You should call your parents, they miss you terribly,” I informed her as I watched her sign.
Julie looked up at that, her eyes flashing.
“How are they?”
“Not good. Your mom’s getting thinner and she’s always sad. Your dad spends a lot of time tinkering in his garage. They’re both hurting. You need to call them, Julie.”
She let out a breath and said, “I will.”
I took the papers she offered and flipped through them, making sure everything was signed and initialed according to my lawyer’s instructions. When I was satisfied they were, I put everything back in the envelope and looked at my soon-to-be ex-wife one last time.
“If you wake up and realize what your missing, give me a call and we can figure out how to reintroduce you into Kayla’s life. You do not try to go around me and contact her yourself. I need to be involved and we need to do what we can to make things comfortable for her.”
Julie nodded, but didn’t respond, so I said, “Goodbye, Julie,” and turned to go back to my truck.
“Jackson,” she called, and I turned in the middle of the sidewalk to look back at the stranger who used to be my wife. “I’m sorry.”
Without a word, I turned back to my truck, told Mick I’d follow him back to his office, then left Hampton, and Julie, behind.