Tobias frowned at Azrael as he tried to get his lover’s attention. Azrael was distant, with a far away look in his eyes that showed he was thinking intensely. His food, now cold, sat before him on the small hotel room table. There was a vacant stare in his eyes that Tobias had seen before, though he didn’t usually have to struggle this hard to bring Azrael back from his thoughts.
“Hey.” He reached across and nudged Azrael, who gazed back at Tobias curiously. “You alright?”
Azrael nodded, then sighed and shook his head. “I am thinking about inevitability.”
“Somehow, I feel like that’s not the start to a very positive conversation, is it?”
Azrael gave an even heavier sigh than before, pushing his food away from him. “Tobias, I do not want to sit around and pretend that everything is normal. Gabriel and Raphael will find us again. They did it once, and if they truly did return to gain my essence, then they will be able to track me in an instant.”
Tobias dropped his burger into its foil wrapping, using a napkin to wipe his face with more force than he needed. “I’m not going to just leave you behind for them to snatch up, Az. Don’t even start on that.”
“No, that is not what I mean. You are too important to harm. They will not lay a hand upon you, whether you are with me or not when they come.”
“I don’t understand what’s so important about me, though. What makes me so special that you were sent to me in the first place? That they won’t even backhand me if I start mouthing off to them? Isn’t there some way that we could use that?”
“Such as?”
“I don’t know. I could always threaten myself if they try to take you.”
Azrael’s eyes darkened, a narrow line forming on his forehead as he frowned at Tobias. “I would not want you to, not for me or anything else. Even if you were to do that, I am sure they would find a way to preserve you. But I do not know why you were chosen for all of this. That was never explained to me. I doubt even Gabriel or Raphael know. The only angel most likely to know would be Metatron, and he rarely speaks directly to us.”
“So that’s it? We just…accept that they’re going to come for you and just lay down and take it? That’s bullshit, Az. I can’t do that.”
Azrael reached across the distance between them, taking hold of Tobias’s hand and patiently waiting until he gave in. Begrudgingly, Tobias let his anger die down enough that Azrael could wrap his fingers in his warm grip. Even as the physical contact soothed him, an ache remained in his chest. Azrael’s sad smile of understanding wasn’t helping, and Tobias could feel his eyes beginning to sting.
“Don’t, Az. Please. They already tried to take you once, and I thought I was losing my mind while watching it happen. Don’t ask me to just accept it. I can’t do that.”
“I will never ask of you more than you are capable of giving, Tobias. You are a fighter, and that is all you can be when presented with a problem. I love that about you.”
“Only for you.”
“Oh? When I look at your history, I see a fighter. You fought through the horrible abuse of your childhood, then fought your way through the streets. You fought so well that you rose above where you had fallen and began to build your life anew. When that was taken from you, you fought the world and your own pain. You may have retreated, but you never gave up. You fought with yourself to be with me, and now you would fight Heaven itself if it means keeping what we have. You are strong, Tobias. You are my strength.”
Tobias smiled weakly, the tension in his chest growing thicker. “You telling me I’m going to have to get into a fist fight with God before I get what I want?”
Azrael curled his leg around one of Tobias’. “I am telling you that I want to live our moments together honestly and openly. Since we left Vivian’s, we have refused to even acknowledge what is happening, what could happen.”
“You’re just saying ‘could’ so I don’t get upset again.”
“Is it helping?”
“No.” The single word sounded so listless and hurt, even to Tobias’ own ears. He had spent the past couple of days wracking his brain for a solution of some sort, something that would get them out of this and let them be able to live their lives in peace. The more that he tried to think of something, however, the more it seemed that Azrael was giving in to it.
“Do not mistake me, Tobias. If I knew of a way to free us from this trap, I would use it. If they make their case sufficiently to Metatron, however, they will be able to get their hands on my essence. With that, they can find me, restore me to my angelic nature, and then force me to return with them. That is not pessimism but a statement as to the reality of the situation.”
“Because of this ‘will’ thing?”
Azrael nodded. “If they give an order that is graced by the Almighty, such as one that falls into enforcing one of the laws, any angel who hears it is compelled to obey. I can disobey only for as long as I am away from my essence. Humans were the ones given absolute free will, not angels.”
An idea occurred to him. “But how did Lucifer and the other Fallen manage to disobey? Wouldn’t one of you guys simply just use this ‘will thing’ to make them fall in line?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Those days were…different from now. After the failed rebellion, that is when the will of Heaven was enforced completely. Those who remained loyal, they—we—submitted to the will. By proving our loyalties, we gave away a measure of the free will we once had.”
“Really? God demanded that you guys give up your free will so that you were more obedient soldiers?” He couldn’t help the disgust at the very thought. He didn't blame the angels for it, after watching their own siblings rise up in revolt against their creator. He was sure they were understandably shaken and upset. He wasn’t so sure he would have been willing to throw away his own free will in the process, but he could understand how a pack of terrified and tired beings would consider it.
“No, that was Metatron. He has been both Scribe and Voice of the Almighty for as long as I can remember. It was he who established the mandates, enforced the laws, and continues to ensure that God’s will is done. From him stems the ability to enforce our wills upon our brethren if they should fall out of line.”
“Az, what was the rebellion even about? Was it really that Lucifer refused to bow before humanity as God ordered?”
Azrael stared at him for a moment, then comprehension lit his face. “Oh, right. I forgot that was one interpretation of the events that were depicted by man. No, Lucifer loved humanity and treasured it dearly.”
“Okay, so what was the rebellion over?”
“They were disobedient.”
The quickness, almost recitation, trickled unease through Tobias. “Disobedient, how?”
Azrael frowned in concentration, speaking slowly, “I…I cannot remember the details. I think that is one thing that has been lost from my memories. Perhaps I will remember when my essence is returned to me.”
That sobered Tobias out of his curiosity instantly, and his shoulders sagged. There really was no way out of this. Azrael had accepted it, but Tobias didn’t want to. Everything had been better with Azrael now in his life, and he didn’t want it to be taken from him just because some feathery assholes said it was wrong. Azrael was happy with him, which Tobias could see in his face when he looked at him. Tobias was definitely happy with Azrael. How could that possibly be a bad thing?
“I don’t want to lose you, Az,” Tobias whispered, squeezing Azrael’s fingers.
Azrael stood up, dragging Tobias to his feet. “Do not think about that. An opportunity may present itself that allows us a way out, but if it does not, I want our memories of one another to be filled with being together, not of worrying and fretting over something that we very well may have no control over.”
“Aren’t you scared?”
Azrael’s face sagged slightly. “I am terrified. I do not want to lose you anymore than you wish to lose me, Tobias. I want to see you grow happier, to do what you desire in life, with me by your side the whole way through. I have seen so much death, and I want to be involved in life again. Your life. There is so much I want to see, and I am terrified that I will not get to witness that.”
“But…how can you just ignore that? How can you just tell me to pretend like it isn’t happening or going to happen?”
Azrael reached up, stroking his fingers along Tobias’s face in a gesture so tender, Tobias could swear he heard and felt their hearts break. “I am saying that if these truly are the last moments we will have with one another, I want them to be treasured, not remembered as times spent in silence, fearful and worried about what was to come. Moments where we were simply who we have been from the start. Like the moments we have had throughout our trip.”
Tobias fought for a smile. “It was the most I’ve traveled, you know. Always kind of wanted to, but couldn’t bring myself to do it after David. Then you come along and…”
“I traveled the world many times over as an angel, before I locked myself willingly within Saul. I have seen mountains and volcanos, I traveled the length and breadth of the sea, I watched rain and snow descend upon the hungry earth a thousand times. Yet I had never known the beauty of those things, until I traveled with you. It was not just being human that showed me the sheer beauty and grace of this world. It was being with you, experiencing them with you, that showed me the true nature of the world.”
Tobias let out a choked noise he meant as a laugh. “Sap.”
“Yes, yes, I am. I came here with the intent of showing a broken and lost human the way. I was meant to guide you back to the light. Yet in coming here, I was the one who learned. Not just of the world, either, or of how it all looks through mortal eyes. Through you, I learned a love that was beyond anything I have ever known before in my existence. Eons, I spent seeing but never understanding the fierce love that existed between mortals. Yet being with you, I learned the meaning of it, understood its depths in just a few short months. You taught me these things, Tobias.”
The heaviness in Tobias's chest twisted, trying to escape while settling in deeper. This wasn’t just a thank you. This was a goodbye. The reality of what was happening to them was finding the chink in his armor and was settling in. There was nothing that he or Azrael could do that would prevent this from happening. Azrael knew it and was giving into it, not because his fight was over but because there were just some crossroads you couldn’t avoid.
Maybe this was inevitable from the time Azrael had chosen to take on his duty. This moment, and what came after it, could have been determined from the instant Tobias laid eyes on him, unconscious and naked in the woods. Everything from that split second had led to this point, culminating in this pure heartbreak. If there was a way to have prevented this, he couldn’t see it.
Azrael’s fingers moved behind his neck and pulled him into the sweetest kiss he had ever known. Warmth pressed against his cheek as their lips held together, and he realized that Azrael was crying. Silently, they pressed together, embracing the warmth of each other. In their shared pain, they found a measure of comfort. Tobias knew that what Azrael said was true. Gabriel and Raphael would come, and they would take Azrael from him. There was nothing they could do about it.
Yet, the injustice of it all burned within him, refusing to let him accept it completely. Azrael had made the point that, for his entire life, Tobias had never been truly content to simply go with what life had thrown at him. He had refused to accept his parents’ lies, even as he spent years recovering from them. He had spent too much time fighting to deny the very things that he had been taught while living one step above a street whore. He fought his way into David’s arms, then fought the very concept of being forced to accept that loss.
It seemed that all Tobias had endured in his life involved having to constantly fight for the ability to freely live as happily as he could. That was what his life had been based upon since he had been caught in bed with another boy. It had been one battle after another, and now he was expected to simply roll over and take it? Maybe there was nothing to stop them from coming and taking Azrael from him, and he was utterly powerless to stop it. That didn’t mean he was going to give in so easily, no matter what Azrael told him, or how inevitable it seemed.
What he had now, this man in his arms, whose tears stained his cheeks—that was worth fighting for. He didn’t know how he would fight for him or if he would even succeed at it. He knew, though, that there was no way he was going to roll over and take it. Not now, not ever. This was his, and Azrael’s.
Tobias pulled slowly from the kiss, whispering a vow he felt to the core of his being, “If there’s a way, Azrael, I’ll find it. I promise you.”
“To the bitter end, eh, Tobias?”
Tobias bowed his head, pressing it to Azrael’s. “You’re damn right."