By the time he emerged from the shower, Tobias felt considerably more in control of himself and his temper. From the moment he realized he was coming back to this cesspool, he had felt an irritating, emotional itch at the back of his mind. He had promised himself he would never come back here, never lay eyes on its streets or its people again. Nothing before had ever made him want to come back, and not even his late partner, David, had touched the idea of coming here, not once.
Yet, with merely a request, combined with the look on his face, Azrael had begun the process of convincing Tobias to return. The sight of the city skyline had made him ill from the moment he saw it, making him want to turn the truck around and head away. There were memories in every shadowy corner of the city, or at least that’s how it felt to him. After leaving, he had spent so much of his life trying to forget what he’d experienced here. Even now as he remembered it so very vividly, he tried to suppress it.
Still, when persuaded to come back here, hadn’t he chosen the familiar routes? Hadn’t he picked one of his old haunts? This room probably wasn’t one of those he had…inhabited once, but it might as well have been. Although the city itself had changed in the years since he was last here, it all still felt the same to him. No matter what was built up or altered, or what had corroded or otherwise vanished into obscurity, the bones of the city still held the past.
His shower might have soothed some of his turmoil, but it apparently had done nothing for the darkening of his overall mood. His thoughts echoed his disquiet as he exited the bathroom, completely dressed and feeling cleaner than before. The TV was on, but when he came out into the living room, Azrael was sprawled awkwardly on the couch, asleep. The remote was in his hand as he slumped against the back cushions, looking less like an angel and more like a drunk.
The thought should have brought a smile to Tobias’ face, but instead he only sighed as he grabbed a pillow and jammed it under the man’s head, so he wouldn’t wake up with a kink in his neck. He wasn’t going to wake him either, since he apparently needed his sleep. Tobias should probably have joined him, but the truth was, he was feeling too miserable to settle down and rest. His dark mood told him it must have been nice for Azrael to come into the city that was full of rotten memories for Tobias, and simply fall asleep. And it probably wasn’t fair that he was judging and blaming all of this on Azrael, but it made being here easier to bear.
If he wasn’t going to sleep, that left him two choices: sit around the hotel room, or go out and find something to do. As unappealing as the thought of going out seemed to be, he didn’t want to sit in the room stewing in his own emotional mess, either. Between brooding here or going out to brood somewhere with a distraction, he would definitely choose the latter. So, leaving a note for Azrael saying he would only be gone for a little while and to order room service if he was hungry, he left.
From the moment his feet hit the ground, he wondered whether he had made a wise decision or not. The smell of the city alone was enough to cause that prickling itch at the back of his mind that threatened to never leave. Yet, he felt his reason for going out was necessary, and just maybe, he could cast out some of the shadows from his mind by walking through the shadows of the city.
“Guess I wasn’t being that dramatic,” he murmured to himself as his long strides carried him over blocks of city streets. Everything really did look very much the same to him. Sure, the advertisements had changed, and there were different people lurking on the corners. The city itself had never really been terrible, except for certain parts he had lived in. Once, the place had struck him with awe and wonder, just as it had done with Azrael. But Tobias had seen the rotten underbelly of it for too long when he lived here as a young man. It became all that he could see then, and the passing of years hadn’t done anything to change that.
“Being dramatic again,” he grumbled, more to himself than to anyone else. Not that it mattered how loud he talked, people weren’t paying him any attention, anyway. The hood of his jacket was thrown up over his head, and unless he made a loud show of himself, no one would notice him. That was how it worked in places like this; you minded your own business and it gave you and others a semblance of peace, even if it was an illusion.
He’d had no set goal in mind when he’d started this little journey. Just walking and letting off steam had seemed a decent enough idea at the time, to maybe lessen the blow of his visit. To try to see the sights without Azrael along to read each emotion that every change in his expression gave away. Yet, when he found himself before a familiar, battered sign reading “Logan’s,” he realized he must have had this place in the back of his mind all along.
It was almost exactly how he remembered it inside, dimly lit and worn down, though admittedly more so than it had been before. It was one of the only places in the city that had catered to the most diverse group of people. Yet, no one here came looking for trouble, and they usually weren’t looking for company for the night. They either wanted simple, friendly bar talk, or a place to sit and drink the night away on their own. It had been the only place where his young self had felt comfortable.
He was sure the owners had known he was underage from the moment he had walked in, but they had quietly slipped him drinks all the same. Yet now, when he ordered a beer, they hardly gave him a glance before sliding the chilled brown bottle his way, accepting the couple of wrinkled bills he handed to them. Music played softly from a rundown jukebox in the corner, though it was a song that was more the strange blend of pop and country that seemed prevalent nowadays, rather than the sorrowful country he’d heard in times past.
“One nice change,” he grunted to his beer bottle, earning him a tired questioning glance from the worn-looking man a few stools down from him. Tobias only shook his head, realizing that he didn’t recognize anyone in here now. The thought was oddly depressing, making him wish he could have at least seen the bartender who used to work here. She certainly hadn’t looked like anyone’s mother, with her close cut hair, tattoos, and a collection of the sharpest piercings Tobias thought he had ever seen in his life scattered across her face. Yet, she had proven to be like a mother to him all the same, guessing what he was up to and why, but saying nothing, even as she kept the few people on the hunt for something else, away from him.
The bitters of the beer soured in his mouth, as he thought of her hard voice, but then he remembered the way her eyes had softened when she looked at him. He’d hated the pity he sometimes caught there, but had secretly treasured the emotion all the same. Now there was only some random man with a horrible beard and Tobias would swear the guy had a bun in his hair.
“Beer not to your liking, huh?”
Tobias turned at the pleasant-sounding voice, to see that the stool next to him was occupied. He blinked at the sight of this stranger, who was gazing back at him pleasantly enough. It wasn’t that he had never seen well-dressed people in the bar before, because he certainly had. Yet, this man seemed to exude the kind of confidence and power that would be typical of someone running a company as the CEO, even as he sat in comfortable-looking jeans, and a well-cut, open-collar button up. In the dim light of the bar, Tobias was still able to see the brightness of his blue eyes, though it took leaning forward, closer into the light, to see his hair wasn’t actually white, but a very light blond.
Realizing, belatedly, that he was staring in silence, he looked down at his beer, stumbling for words, “Oh, uh, yeah, guess not.”
The stranger chuckled, motioning to the sullen, bun-wearing bartender. “Two whiskeys over ice. The good stuff, if you happen to have it. My thanks.”
The bartender stared at him for a moment, taking in the sight of this impossibly clean and well-put-together man who sat in his admittedly dingy and run-down establishment, before turning to walk down the aisle behind the bar. Tobias’ protests were waved off with a shake of the stranger’s pale, blond head, his teeth flashing under the dim lights of the bar as he spoke.
“Don’t worry, it’s on me. I would appreciate the company.”
Something twisted in Tobias’ gut as he stared at the man, trying to keep the threat from his voice. “I’m not looking for company, buddy.”
Blue eyes widened in surprise, and then embarrassment. “Oh! I apologize. I wasn’t trying to infer that you were here for that sort of thing. I meant the friendly sort of company, not the intimate sort. I am sorry for giving you that idea. Allow me to at least buy you this drink by way of an apology for the insinuation.”
“I, oh, uh, no, it’s fine, that was my fault for assuming you were looking for that,” Tobias fumbled for the right words, realizing he had practically accused a perfectly nice stranger of trying to pick up a paid trick in a dive. Not that it would be the first time a stranger went hunting for a piece of ass, but Tobias considered himself a better people-reader than this.
“Think nothing of it, though I am sure a handsome man such as yourself is quite used to being propositioned for all manner of things.”
“Something like that.” He liked the way the guy sounded, though his manner of speech was slightly odd. It was a more relaxed version of the English language than Azrael’s could be, which Tobias still thought sounded too precise and rigid at times.. This stranger, however, while sounding right at home with English, still spoke with a peculiar blend of formal and casual woven into his words.
Their drinks soon appeared, set down before them with a dull clunk in what was probably meant to be the cleanest glasses in the whole bar. Tobias snuck another glance at the stranger beside him as the man pulled out his wallet to pay the bartender. If he was a successful businessman, he was certainly one who believed in taking care of himself. He was well-groomed and his skin had a healthy glow to it, not quite golden, but not pale either. His arms, what showed past the rolled up sleeves of his clean shirt, were well-muscled and shaped, his fingers were nimble and strong as they manipulated the wallet back into his pocket.
“Ah, I have forgotten my manners, again, it seems,” he began, reaching his hand out, “You may call me Luke.”
“Hi, Luke,” he took Luke’s hand in his own, finding his grip strong, but not overwhelming. “I’m Tobias, nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine, Tobias, and thank you for tolerating my poor attempt at being friendly with you.”
“Don’t worry about it. Kinda my fault for assuming a well-dressed, good looking guy in a dive would only be trying to pick me up.”
“Would that be because you find me good looking, or because I am well-dressed and in a dive?”
Tobias laughed a little at that. “A bit of both, actually. Generally people who come all dressed up to places like this are looking for something specific. Guaranteed everyone in here sees you and me right now and thinks we’re negotiating a price.”
“Well, I hope you are charging an exorbitant amount in this hypothetical scenario of theirs. If a night with you wouldn’t cost as much as my car, then they are grossly underselling you.”
A flush creeped into Tobias’ face at the compliment. “You always big on compliments to random guys you meet in a beat up old dive, or am I just special?”
Luke laughed, the sound rich, though it pulled some melancholic string in Tobias. “Maybe you are just special? Here,” Luke held up his glass, “to misunderstandings, and to meetings in beat up, old dives.”
He had heard worst toasts before, yet still raised his glass to clink against Luke’s. The whiskey was surprisingly smooth, though it burned a hell of a lot more than the beer would have. This was certainly not the type of whiskey that Luke was probably used to drinking, but the man didn’t seem at all fazed by it as he set his glass down with a satisfied clunk.
“So, Tobias, what brings you here?”
“I wanted a drink.”
“So very few people tend to come to a dive in the middle of the week for just a simple drink. At least, that is what I have found.”
“Yeah? Okay, so what brings you to a dive in the middle of the week? If it’s not a drink, and it’s not to get laid, then what?”
Luke winked at him, the gesture oddly childish on his handsome face. “I’m a lonely individual, Tobias. Lonelier than I have words to describe it. And I find places like this can do wonders to assuage that loneliness.”
“Really? This is where lonely people go, though. The lonely, the angry, and the depressed, anyway.”
“Precisely. This is where I can find others like myself. Others who ache, who rage, or just hear the song of despair in the depths of their souls. That’s why they all congregate here, you know. Here, even if they do not speak to another person, they can find solace, kinship with others who travel the same path they do, even if they do so separately. I like to find people like that, to hear their tales, for it alleviates the ache deep within that I can never quite rid myself of, but can stave off, even if only for a little while.”
Tobias didn’t know quite what to say that wouldn’t sound trite, so he only looked down at his drink. That was such a strange way of putting it, but when he thought about all he had seen in places like this, he couldn’t argue with it, either. He wasn’t lonely; he was angry though, and he was hurting. He didn’t want to walk this path alone, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell that to the one being on the planet who would listen to him without a whisper of judgement in his mind.
“You thought of something just now, maybe the real reason you came here?”
Tobias snorted. “This the part where you tell me you’re psychic too?”
“No,” Luke chuckled, raising his now empty glass to the bartender for a refill. “Just well-versed in the art of reading people in dives. Very specialized talent, very under-appreciated.”
Tobias grinned. “Alright, you got me then. I used to live here.”
“In this bar?”
Tobias rolled his eyes, shoving his glass toward the approaching bartender for another drink as well. “No, this city. I used to come here a lot when I lived here, though.”
“How old were you?”
“Seventeen the first time I came here, but I lived in the area for a couple of years.”
“Seventeen? Hm, and you came here? I take it you were on your own then?”
“That’s a pretty good guess, and yeah.”
“So you’re not here to relive the glory days of your youth, I take it.”
Tobias’ fingers curled around the refilled glass before him, looking down at the ice cubes tinkling merrily in the amber fluid. “No. Definitely not. There isn’t much here that reminds me of the good times, because there weren’t any. This place has nothing but bad memories for me, and what good things there were here are long gone, it looks like.”
“Then why come here in the first place?”
Tobias sighed, wishing he could slump back now. “My…partner.”
“This a work partner, or is that simply the polite way of saying your boyfriend?”
“Never liked ‘boyfriend,’ sounds like something you have in high school.”
“Lover?”
“Really bad pet name. Boyfriend is fine, though. I’ll live with that one.”
“Fine, then your boyfriend is why you’re here?”
“He’s…difficult to explain. Not in a bad way or anything! He’s great, he really is. When he came into my life a few months ago, I was…in a bad place. Just went through too much shit in my life I guess, and he helped me to face some of it, and move past it.” He shifted, trying to find a less vulnerable position in his chair. He had come here to think quietly, not to talk. His only consolation was that Luke didn’t seem threatening, just incredibly social.
“And this boyfriend of yours…”
“Azrael.” The answer came so smoothly from him, he never gave it a thought. It was weird, telling this stranger even this much about his life. Tobias didn’t share easily, uncomfortable with the idea of showing too much of himself. Azrael had proven to be an exception, more than others had been in the past. Yet, he wasn’t hesitating to answer this stranger’s questions.
“Interesting name. But this, Azrael, he brought you here to, what? Tackle another problem from your past, address the history that he apparently knows little about?”
“Very little, he only knows that some bad things happened here and that my time here isn’t anything I want to remember.”
“Ah, so he brought you here for exposure therapy of sorts. Though, instead of a fear, he’s attempting to allow you to face the pain of your past.”
“Yeah. Not that I asked him to do that. Should have never let him talk me into it.”
“This wonderful man of yours pushed you into coming here?”
“I…well, not exactly. We’ve been traveling all over the country; he’s never really got to see much of it before, so I was taking him all over. And when I asked him where he wanted to go next, he said here. I didn’t want to, but at some point, while driving in the middle of nowhere, he said something about wanting to see this place, and how he thought it might be a good idea to face things head-on. At the time it was really persuasive, and I have a hard time saying no to him.”
“Ah,” was all Luke said as he sipped at his drink, giving Tobias a faintly amused look from the corner of his eye.
“What?” He hadn’t meant to sound irritated, but Luke’s show of faint mirth ruffled him. It was uncomfortable enough to speak about his personal life so freely. If Luke was going to do nothing but laugh at him, Tobias was going to walk away. Well, he’d probably hit him first, and then walk away.
“Nothing. But you came here as it was his idea. And you now regret it. Have you spoken with him about it?”
“I told him I wasn’t really happy about being here.”
“And all he knows is because bad things happened to you here?”
“Basically.”
“Which is why you’re here, alone.”
“Well, here here, in this bar, yeah. But Azrael is still in the city. He’s passed out on the couch in the hotel we’re staying at. Didn’t think I should wake him up just because I wasn’t gonna sleep and wanted to go for a walk.”
“A walk, straight into a dive that was one you apparently frequented when you were going through the hard times you had here.”
“You have a point, or…?” Just as his irritation began to die down, it reared up once again. First the man had laughed at him, now he was making him feel stupid. If he was being made the butt of a joke, Tobias didn’t see the punchline, and it grated on his nerves.
Luke leaned forward, resting his elbows on the bar with a casual air that Tobias envied. “Do you want my honest opinion on things? I am just a random stranger at a bar, so I don’t want to presume too much and risk making matters worse.”
Tobias could only sigh, motioning for Luke carry on. “Might as well. Not like my own head is doing me any good with any of it. So why not let someone else have a go at it?”
Luke drained the rest of his glass, sliding it and Tobias’ empty one closer to the inside edge of the bar. “Alright, you asked for it. The fact of the matter is, you can’t blame your boyfriend for you being here. Yeah, he gave you the idea, and he may have prodded a little, but you still came here willingly. You might be growling over being here, but you chose to come. Now it sounds like you’re shutting him out, and blaming him for you being here in the first place.”
“I-”
“No, let me finish, first. Then, you can protest and yell at me all you like if you so wish. You said yourself that his reasoning behind coming here sounded like a good idea, which I’m sure it did. He helped you once before with something, why not try it on another skeleton or a dozen in your closet? But, it becomes a different matter entirely when you’re faced with the reality of doing so. Understandably, you are angry and hurting, being back around everything that once caused you a great deal of trouble. Being here must be like pouring salt on a wound that never quite healed right. Better yet, it’s like a broken bone that was never set right, and thus, still causes you pain.”
Tobias took a deep breath, asking the question that deep down, he knew he already had the answer to, “So what do I do?”
“Oh, that’s simple,” Luke commented easily, taking a now refilled glass back into his grip. “You break the bone again. Break it, and make sure it sets right this time, otherwise it will always hurt, and you will never move on.”
“What, just go back and tell him everything?”
“Hmm,” Luke hummed, sliding the other glass to Tobias. “Perhaps not everything. No matter what, each man, woman, and child is permitted their own secrets. You can have your secrets, Tobias, but make sure the secrets we keep to ourselves are ones worth keeping. To keep all the nasty things that can happen in one’s life to one’s self doesn’t fall under that category, it’s simply foolish. And pretty fucking stupid, actually.”
A bark of laughter escaped Tobias at the sudden harsh language from the strangely cultured voice. “Lay my soul bare, huh?”
“Only in honesty, and in baring the truth of your heart and soul to another, can true love be found and then built upon. Do not keep him locked out, whether it’s out of fear of what he will think, or fear of the pain it will bring up. Take your last bit of liquid courage, and give it a try. I think you’ll find the story may come out easier once you get past the initial hurdle of beginning, and I believe you’ll find him more than willing to accept your tale, and hold your hand throughout it.”
Tobias finally took the drink, letting Luke’s words bounce around in his head. It was just about the same as what he’d been saying to himself deep down, but hadn’t been willing to acknowledge. The blame he had placed on Az hadn’t been earnest, it was just a way for him to shift the blame away from himself. Some part of him had hoped to maybe experience a release, or the start of a release, from the pain that echoed out of every dark corner of this city. Coming here had just made the pain more real, and with it, came the anger. It was easier to be angry, to bristle at and defy every memory, to begrudge being here rather than bravely confronting what he came here to face.
“I’ll have to find the courage, for his sake,” he told Luke as he glanced over, only to find the stool empty. All that remained as evidence that he had been there at all was a 100 dollar bill left on the bar, more than enough to pay for the drinks and make a fine tip. Tobias glanced around, not seeing the familiar bright, white shirt that would have signaled that Luke was still in the bar. Somehow, during Tobias’ slow realization, he must have slipped out.
“If Batman was blond and out of his suit,” he said aloud with a faint laugh, amused by the dramatic exit.
Yet, he downed the remaining drink with a respectful salute to the empty stool all the same. He wasn’t sure if he could really manage what Luke had said, and what he himself knew to be right, but damn it all, he had to try. With a huff of annoyance at his wavering courage, he slid off the stool, tossing the hood off of his head as he made for the door.