“IS THIS ALL right?” Ben asked, looking Donnie over. Donnie lay curled up on his right, tense and pale. “Not too high?”

“Maybe a little.”

Ben pressed the button on the remote control again, and the top half of the hospital bed descended a few inches. “Better?”

“Yeah, much. Thanks.”

Ben sat down in the chair by the bed and took Donnie’s hand, which was hot and clammy. Donnie was breathless and very white. He had woken up a few minutes ago, squirming in discomfort but refusing the offer of more painkillers. All he’d wanted was for Ben to help him turn onto his side, and put the bed up a little bit.

Now Ben drew small circles on the inside of Donnie’s wrist while Donnie recovered from the effort of moving around. Every small exertion was an ordeal for the sick man, and Ben’s heart hurt for him.

“I should ring for more painkillers. You don’t look so good.”

Donnie shook his head. “Nah, s’okay now.” His gaze found Ben’s, and Ben marveled at the indigo color. Even dulled with the painkillers, Donnie’s eyes shone like none Ben had ever seen. Donnie gave a wan smile. “It’s real nice, that you’re staying.”

“‘Course I’m staying,” Ben said, a little uneasy. “You’re unwell. I’m worried. I wanna be with you.”

A shadow passed behind the blue eyes, and Donnie looked sad. “This ain’t gonna be fun, you know that, right? I don’t get it, man.”

“Don’t get what?”

There was a small pause. “Why you wanna be with me.” The words were barely audible, and Donnie’s gaze slid off Ben into the distance.

Ben’s heart gave a spasm of sorrow. “Dunno ‘bout you, but I got no control over who I fall in love with,” he said just as quietly.

Donnie’s fingers on his tightened, but he still kept his eyes averted. “You’re real brave.”

“How so?” Ben asked.

Now Donnie did look at him, and his gaze was full of disbelief, as if Ben’s question had been the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. “Aren’t you scared?”

It was clear what Donnie was asking, but Ben was loath to give him what he wanted. Ben had a point to make, and he wanted to be clear from the get-go where he was standing. “‘Course I’m scared,” he said, steeling himself against the hurt and surprised expression on Donnie’s face. “I’m scared all the time. Scared that I will get shot at work by some random mad guy, that our budget gets cut more and I lose my job, that something happens to Laura, that—” That Helen takes my child away from me. He stopped himself from voicing that particular fear out loud. “That something happens to you,” he added instead. “That you’ll be in more pain, that you’ll get sicker, that I won’t be able to help you. All that scares me shitless.”

“I don’t mean—” Donnie began, but Ben shook his head and leaned forward.

“I know what you mean, Donnie,” he said. “Am I scared you’re gonna infect me? Not one bit. You’re much too careful. And you understand the virus much better than you think. I can already tell.” He looked down at their intertwined fingers. “But yeah, I’m scared about this. I’m scared that something bad will happen, just...just when I found you.”

He sought out Donnie’s gaze again. “I’m scared that I won’t be strong enough, that I’m not what you need, that-that you won’t need me...” This complete honesty was almost unbearable for Ben. The sense of vulnerability was overwhelming and not something he was used to. Telling Donnie how he felt was the only way he could think of to deal with both their deepest fears. Hearing about Donnie’s HIV had been a shock, but they could be strong for each other, as long as they were honest about their feelings.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere,” Donnie said, and there was a small smile on his lips. Ben returned that smile, feeling relieved. That was the fighting spirit they needed.

“You’re so much stronger than you think.”

Donnie looked surprised, then thoughtful. “I s’pose this really helps.”

“What’s that?”

Donnie’s eyes were bright now with fresh determination and affection. “Having a reason to keep fighting.”

BEN SPENT THE day at the hospital, feeling dizzy with tiredness, and soon sick from the tepid vending machine coffee and the stale snacks that were all he could find on his brief forays into the ICU corridors.

It was late when Donnie woke again, looking bleary. Ben still sat slumped in the chair next to the bed, but now straightened up. “Hey, Donnie. How’re you feeling?”

Donnie considered the question. “Dopey,” he said finally. Then his hand disappeared under the blanket and onto his stomach.

Ben frowned. “Still hurting, huh?”

“S’okay.” Donnie shrugged. Then he looked worried. “You been here all day? What’s the time?”

“Almost ten. You were pretty out of it. I’m glad you got some rest.”

“You should go home, Ben.”

“Do you not want me here?” Ben asked, and immediately regretted it when Donnie looked at him hurt.

“‘Course I want you... but you gotta sleep, too.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere,” Ben said, adamant.

Donnie thought for a moment, then pushed himself up. “Help me, will you?”

Ben supported Donnie as he moved himself to the far side of the bed, trying not to get tangled in the IV lines and machine wires. “What are we doing?”

“Making space.”

“For what?”

“You,” Donnie panted, out of breath. He patted the bed next to himself. “Get in.” Ben grinned, slipped off his shoes, and climbed onto the mattress. Donnie watched him, eyes soft. As soon as Ben lay down, he scooted close and settled himself against Ben’s chest with a sigh.

“Strange first night together,” he muttered, already half asleep again. Ben smiled and stroked the back of Donnie’s neck. “I don’t mind.” “Me either, Ben.”