“DONNIE? EVERYTHING OKAY?” Ben’s heart thumped in his chest. He hated that a phone call during the day could almost give him a heart attack. Holding his after-lunch coffee in one hand, he stopped just outside the front doors to the station, phone clamped between ear and shoulder.

“Yeah, it’s all good,” Donnie said quickly. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay. What’s up?”

“Couldn’t wait ‘til tonight to tell you my news,” Donnie said, and the happiness in his voice was unmistakable.

“Well, share then,” Ben said, smiling. “Don’t torture me!”

“My viral load’s undetectable again!”

“Already? That’s amazing, Donnie!”

“It’s pretty awesome, yeah.”

“I hadn’t realized you had a clinic appointment today. I would’ve come!”

“They called this morning, said they had the results back. Went by on my way to work. Doc said it’s real rare, the drugs working so quickly.”

“Well, your viral count was low to begin with, and you’re well again and eating right, taking all your meds on time. All that’s real important.”

“I know...” Donnie sounded like he had something more on his mind. “Ben?”

“Yes?”

“D’you... I dunno...wanna come over tonight, celebrate? We can drink some juice or something.”

The grin in Donnie’s voice with the last few words was infectious, and Ben smiled to himself. “I’d love that,” he said. “I’ll get us a juice pack and two straws, all right?” Donnie chuckled. “Perfect! See you tonight!”

IT FELT LIKE a first date to Ben as he drove to Donnie’s house that night, butterflies in his stomach and everything. And in a way, of course, it was their first date. Other than the baseball game outing, which had been cut short, and the cup of coffee after Ben’s second AA meeting, they had spent no time together with Donnie at least halfway well.

Had someone asked Ben whether he wanted to sleep with Donnie that night, he would’ve said yes without hesitation. But if Donnie wasn’t ready, then that would be all right, too. They’d play it by ear, and Ben wouldn’t pressure him.

But a small worrisome voice kept niggling at the back of Ben’s mind. If Donnie wasn’t ready to sleep with him now, when his virus load was undetectable, would he ever be ready? And what would they do if it never felt right?

Then we’ll figure something out. Would Ben leave Donnie just because he couldn’t face sex? Of course not! So many other things were more important in this budding relationship that so far had been far from conventional. The most important of all was that whatever they decided on made them both happy and came naturally.

That was another thing, though. Even if Donnie got over his fears, they would never be able to forget the HIV. Sex would never be entirely natural. At almost any other point in the day-to-day, Donnie could forget, at least temporarily, that he was the carrier of a lethal virus. But in bed, when they had to take extra precautions and be always extra vigilant; there was no pushing it to one side.

These were difficult issues to which there would be no easy solution. But still Ben was happier now than he had been in a long time. Being with Donnie was what had changed his life, and he wouldn’t jeopardize his newfound joy for anything.

With that thought, Ben climbed out of the car, walked up to Donnie’s front door, and knocked. He had to wait only a few seconds for Donnie to appear, clad in jeans and a white undershirt. The denims sat very low on his hips, giving Ben pause. Donnie had lost quite a bit of weight during his illness.

Tonight, however, he didn’t look ill or pale or tired. Instead, he smiled, shyly as usual, but more radiantly than Ben had ever seen him smile. He’d been back in his own house for ten days now, and finally gone back to work earlier that week. Ben was relieved to see him looking happy and well.

“You brought a bottle?” Donnie pointed at the brown paper bag in Ben’s hand and raised an eyebrow.

Ben grinned. “Alcohol-free cider.”

“Good one,” Donnie said and stepped aside. “C’mon in.”

Ben walked into the small house, stomach twisting with nerves. He stood the bottle on the coffee table and turned to face Donnie. “Man, times like this, I wish I could have a smoke or a beer.”

“Yeah, me too,” Donnie agreed, eyes on Ben. “Feels weird, something to celebrate and we can’t let loose. Used to be, Floyd and me’d find a reason to party every day.”

A shadow crossed Donnie’s face at the thought of his brother, and his hand came to rest on the ribs that Floyd had broken so recently. But then Donnie gave himself a little shake and focused back on Ben. His smile widened, and Ben responded with a nervous laugh, rubbing his face. “This feels weird.”

“Like a first date?” Donnie suggested.

“Exactly what I was thinking.”

“About time for it, too.” Donnie crossed the space between them in two slow strides and stopped right in front of Ben, their bodies almost touching. He lowered his eyes and stood very still. Ben had the odd impression that Donnie was breathing him in.

Then Donnie raised his face and their eyes met. The velvety indigo blue caught Ben by surprise, as usual. Donnie leaned in close, smiled, and kissed Ben. Nothing was chaste about that kiss. He claimed Ben’s lips, explored his mouth with his tongue, nipped with his teeth. And then Donnie pressed close, and Ben could feel his erection through both their pants.

When Donnie pulled back, it was to regard Ben with sleepy bedroom eyes. He took Ben’s hand, and intertwined their fingers. “C’mon,” he murmured, and led Ben down the short hallway and into his bedroom.

Ben’s head swam. This had been much faster than he had dared imagine. “Donnie,” he began, but Donnie kept moving. Finally, he pulled Ben down to sit on his narrow bed.

“I know, Ben,” Donnie said. “We gotta talk. I just...wanted to be clear. That I’m ready. I know how keen you are, and you’re right. But, fuck.” He looked at Ben and his eyes were dark with fear. “I’m real scared.”

“We can wait...”

“Didn’t you hear what I just’ said? M’ready, I need dis—” Donnie’s accent grew stronger with the stress. Just like he had at the station, and when the pain from his pancreas had driven him insane, Donnie dropped endings and slurred his vowels. Ben struggled to make out what he was saying.

“I get it,” Ben said, soothing. “It kills me that you’re so scared. And I got something that’ll help. Look—” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small white bottle. He handed it to Donnie, who turned it around in icy fingers. The label read PrEP.

“You know what this is?” Ben asked.

Donnie nodded. He didn’t look up or say anything. Ben’s stomach clenched with apprehension.

“It’s meds, to protect you from infection. You taking it already?”

“Yes,” Ben said. “Ever since you were in the hospital.” He’d gone to a doctor in Newnan to get the prescription, not trusting that a visit to their usual family doctor wouldn’t come back to Helen, who knew nothing about Donnie’s HIV. “Not cuz I’m afraid...”

Donnie nodded, still looking at the bottle. “It’s so I’m less scared.”

“Yes. Donnie, don’t be mad.”

Donnie looked up, his eyes full of surprised tears. “Mad? Ben! Why would I be mad? Cuz your being nice? No one’s ever cared...cared enough to— Never thought I’d get a shot at this...really being with someone...” Donnie sounded frantic. “Why’d anyone spend the money and risk their health, just to be scared with me.”

“Hey...” Ben scooted closer and took the other man in his arms, and Donnie nuzzled close with a sigh. “Cuz I love you,” Ben said. Taking Donnie by the shoulders he sat him up straight and looked at him for a moment. Then, slowly and deliberately, he took Donnie’s hand, kissed his fingers, then his wrist, and up along his bare arm. He moved on to Donnie’s shoulders, bare, too, in the sleeveless undershirt. Then he moved along Donnie’s collarbone, his neck, finally his face.

“D’you want me?” Ben murmured against Donnie’s temple.

“God, Ben,” Donnie whispered. “Yes...”

They didn’t rush. They moved steadily and slow. Purposefully undressing each other, making each step deliberate and every touch count.

Ben was gentle, completely focusing on the other man. Donnie relaxed under his fingers, opened to the touch, his skin aglow, his face tilted toward the ceiling. He leaned back on his arms on the bed and regarded Ben from hooded eyes. Ben undid Donnie’s pants, then reached right inside his boxer shorts and freed him from the fabric. For a moment, Ben looked down, smiling. Donnie was fully hard, his length silken, warm and firm in Ben’s hand. Ben’s own erection strained at its confines.

“C’mere.” Ben motioned Donnie to sit up, pulled the undershirt over his head, and moved them around until he could lower Donnie onto the bed. Then Ben stood and undid his belt, his own pants buttons. Donnie’s attention was on him, still a little fearful but also full of anticipation.

“Touch yourself,” Ben commanded. Eyes sparkling, Donnie reached for his erection, which lay against the dark hair on his belly. He started to wriggle out of pants and boxer shorts. Ben stripped off, too, keen to rejoin Donnie on the bed.

“Hips up,” he said with a smile, and leaned over Donnie, mocking his own recent fussing when Donnie had been ill. Grinning a little, Donnie obliged, and Ben pulled the other man’s pants and underpants off, then dropped them onto the floor.

“Been shopping for supplies,” Donnie said, and pointed at the bedside table.

Ben opened the drawer and retrieved condoms and lube. The condoms were an expensive brand, extra safe. He smiled down at Donnie, who looked apprehensive again. He reached out and stroked Donnie’s face with his free hand.

“I’ll be real careful.”

Donnie’s eyes were full of love. “Know you will. Be careful for yourself, too, okay?”

“Of course.”

Ben prepped himself while Donnie watched. He took hold of his erection again while Ben rolled down the condom and warmed some lube between his fingers. It was all more clinical, more deliberate than Ben would’ve liked. But it would get easier with time. They’d made it this far; nothing could be a real obstacle after what they’d already been through together. For now, making them both feel safe and at ease was Ben’s main concern.

And despite the tension, Donnie’s excitement was palpable. There was a flush starting on his chest and neck as Ben positioned himself, and his own arousal grew at the sight.

“Ready?”

Donnie nodded, holding his bottom lip between his teeth, and Ben lowered himself between Donnie’s legs. When he pushed against Donnie’s opening, Donnie’s breath hitched in his chest, then he made a conscious effort to relax. Donnie gave another tiny nod and tilted his hips.

Ben entered Donnie, and for several minutes, they moved in a gentle rhythm. Soon Ben could tell that Donnie was close, and he did his best to maximize his pleasure. He shifted until the angle was just right for each thrust to stimulate Donnie’s prostate. As he sped up, Donnie matched him with his hand on his erection, and gave a little whimper.

“You okay?” Ben gasped.

“God, Ben...,” Donnie panted, his free hand bunching into the sheets. His eyes were mere slits of indigo now, but his gaze never left Ben.

“M’so close...” The heat pulsed through Ben. There came a yanking sensation behind his navel, then an explosion at the base of his spine. His eyes slid shut, and he let himself be carried away.

When he opened them again, Donnie smiled, sweaty and spent, his hand still around his now waning erection. Ben returned the smile, then reached for the box of tissues that sat on the bedside table. But when he made to wipe the cum off of Donnie’s belly, Donnie took hold of his wrist.

“No,” he whispered, eyes fearful again.

It was silly—of course it was. But Ben didn’t challenge him. This was hard enough on Donnie already.

So he just nodded and put the tissues in Donnie’s outstretched hand. Then Ben withdrew and cleaned himself up. Donnie watched each movement, looking worried.

Ben smiled, hoping to reassure. “All intact. Nothing bad’s happened, see?”

Donnie nodded, and his shoulders sank back onto the bed as he let himself relax.

“I’ll be back in a moment.” Ben climbed off the mattress, then leaned down and gave Donnie a long, gentle kiss, for which he was rewarded with another mesmerizing look from sleepy blue eyes.

Ben went into the bathroom to clean up and dispose of condom and tissues.

As he washed his hands in the chipped sink, he gazed into the mirror without seeing his own reflection.

It hadn’t been a bad first time. They had both enjoyed it, even if it had been far from stress-free. Yet it was hard on Ben, seeing Donnie’s fear when there should be only pleasure.

But as they became more familiar with each other, more at ease, things would change. And whatever it took, Ben would be there to help Donnie get used to intimacy again. He’d do anything to make his guy happy.

Whatever it took, they were together now, for better or worse.