Twenty- Two
Julia
I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Immediately, I remembered everything that happened the night before. Having sex with Kellan in the bathroom. Feeling like I could never want anyone more than I wanted him. Then, the waves of guilt that washed over me as I remembered how our daughter had been conceived.
Kellan still didn’t know that Lillian existed. We were falling for each other all over again and I hadn’t told him the most important part of my life… I hated myself for it.
When I left the bathroom, I was ready to tell him everything. I felt bold and confident after the five drinks and the orgasm. I knew I could tell him the truth and I knew he would understand. But, when I saw him change and tackle that tiger everything changed.
I stood back and watched as he pummeled some random shifter. There was blood everywhere. People tried to break them apart, but it took a few tries and then finally someone else changing before they could pry Kellan off him. I felt sick just watching the way Kellan’s face twisted with rage and violence. The strong, muscular body I knew so well was being used for something I hated. He was hurting someone senselessly.
After everything Kellan and I had been through, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart again.
I was wrong.
Seeing Kellan fight that way made me regret every single moment I had spent back in Mountain Creek. I stormed down the street and didn’t slow down until I reached my parents’ house. By the time I feel asleep that night, I had decided to leave the next morning.
When I woke up, I knew that wasn’t fair to my family. They had a huge barbecue planned for the next day. Everyone was going to be there to see me one last time before I left for New York. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t blow them off.
Instead, I took a shower and cooked breakfast for Lillian. After she ate, I drove her to Lacey’s house and dropped her off to play.
“You okay?” Jack asked when he answered the door.
“I’m great,” I said. “Lili just wanted to play with her cousins. Is that alright?”
“Of course,” he smiled. “Come on in, Lili bug.”
“Thanks, Uncle Jack!” Lili ran through the door and hurried upstairs to the playroom. I could hear her cousins squeal with delight when they saw her. I smiled and turned my attention back to Jack.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.”
“Hey,” he called. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re upset,” he said with a matter-of-fact tone. “What happened? Did Kellan do something?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I just… I let myself believe in the fairytale. I was wrong.”
“If you need to talk,” he said softly.
“Thanks,” I waved sadly and made my back to the car.
After driving around town aimlessly for almost an hour, I decided to just go back to my parents’ place and rest for a while. My body hadn’t recovered from the previous night and I knew I would need my energy to play with Lili later.
When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, I felt my stomach sink. Kellan was sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. I didn’t know how long he’d been waiting, but I knew my parents were gone for the day. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive all the way back to New York.
“What do you want?” I asked when I got out of the car. Kellan jumped to his feet and walked over to me. We stood facing each other in the front yard. I crossed my arms and waited for his answer.
“I need to talk to you,” he said weakly. His eyes were red. He looked terrible.
“I don’t have anything to say to you, Kellan.”
“Then just listen,” he begged. “Please.”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t tell him to leave. I stood silently with my arms crossed and waited impatiently for him to say whatever it was he so badly needed to say.
“Last night,” he began. “That fight was… it was complicated.”
“Complicated?” I snapped. “Yeah. Okay.”
“It was,” he insisted. I could tell he was trying to stay calm. “That guy, McCullers, and I were on the same Alpha team. Me, him, Young, and Hansen. We did over a hundred ops together. We were seamless. We could move without thinking, communicate without speaking. We were brothers. More than brothers. It’s hard to explain to a human, but we were connected in a really intense way.”
Kellan took a breath and closed his eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his hands were shaking. My instincts told me to step forward and touch him, but I forced myself to fight the urge. I was still angry about everything.
“We were on an op,” he said slowly. “I can’t get into the specifics. I’m duty bound to stay silent about it, but that night… things went wrong. We were all separated which is never ideal, but it was essential for the mission. I heard gunshots. I ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. By the time we found Young… he was already half dead. We couldn’t save him.”
I sucked in a breath and listened more intently. All my anger disappeared.
“Last night,” he continued. “McCullers was drunk. We both were. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. He blamed me for what happened to Young, which is something I’ve been doing every day for the past four months. But, when McCullers said it, I just lost it. I didn’t even know what I was doing until it was over. I shouldn’t have changed and attacked him, I know that. Julia, I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s not something I ever wanted you to witness. I’m not that person. I’m not the kind of bear who gets in random bar fights. I was just…”
“Angry,” I said softly.
“Guilty,” he corrected. “I can’t shake the thought that I should have done more. If I had moved faster, ran harder, then maybe I could have saved him. I should have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said immediately. I took a step closer to him and touched his shoulder gently. “You did everything you could, Kellan. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I feel like it is,” he said weakly. “I’m trying to move past it, but it’s hard. Hearing McCullers blame me like that…”
“He didn’t mean it,” I said quickly. “There’s no way he meant it. He was just drunk and sad. I’m sure he’s struggling with everything just like you are.”
“I know he is,” Kellan nodded. “But hearing him say that turned me into a different person. I became my worst nightmare. I never want to feel that way again.”
“I know,” I said. I watched Kellan’s face and saw his eyes fill with tears. He hung his head and I immediately pulled him in for a hug. I held him tightly, wishing I could take away every ounce of pain he felt.
“Julia,” Kellan said. He pushed me away gently so he could look in my eyes. “I came here to explain myself, to tell you what happened last night, but that’s not all. There’s something I wanted to say too.”
“What is it?” I asked. The look on Kellan’s face made my stomach flip nervously. He was staring at me with so much emotion that it threatened to overwhelm me.
“I have to get out of here,” he said. “This town. This place. I need to leave. I can’t explain it, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but I feel like I’m drowning here. Ever since I came back, I’ve been telling myself that it’s for the best. I thought it would help me heal, but it’s just done the opposite. I think what I need to do, is leave.”
I nodded and said, “I can understand that. I’ve felt that way before.”
“I’m not finished,” Kellan said quickly. “I want to leave. I have to leave. But, I want you to come with me.”
“What?” I asked. I took a step backward and frowned.
“Run away with me,” he said. He was speaking fast. Too fast. “Let’s just pack up and bail. You can call your office and say you’re taking a leave of absence or something. We can just go.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Anywhere,” he said. I could feel the excitement bubbling off him. “Everywhere. We can just start driving and see what happens. I have to leave, Julia, but I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. Not again.”
“Kellan,” I began. “It’s not that simple. I can’t just…”
“You can!” he said. He smiled and took my hands in his. “Julia, I love you so much. I have always, always been in love with you. These past few years without you have been awful. Even when I felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, something was missing. I didn’t feel complete and that’s because you weren’t there. I need you with me. You’re the woman I’m supposed to mate with. I knew the second I saw you again. Deep down, I’ve always known it. We’re meant to mate for life you and me.”
“Kellan…”
“No,” he said. “I know you feel it, too. You can’t tell me you don’t. I know you love me.”
“I do,” I said quickly. “I do love you, Kellan. And I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions last night. I really am, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just run away with you.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “Give me one good reason why you can’t.”
“Work,” I said simply. “I have a job. One that I love.”
“You can be a lawyer anywhere!” he said.
“You know that’s not true,” I argued. “Kellan, I’ve worked so hard to get where I am now. You can’t ask me to give that up.”
“But I am,” he said. “I am because I love you and you love me. Our life together could be amazing. More than amazing. It could be everything we’ve always wanted it to be. I know it can.”
“I feel the same way,” I said. “But…”
“No” he argued. “Just stop. Stop thinking of reasons why you can’t do this and start listening to your heart.”
“I am,” I argued.
“You aren’t!” he half yelled. “If you were, you would know that our love is something that only happens once in a lifetime. We have to fight for it! There’s nothing more than important than us. Nothing.”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “There is.”
“What?” he demanded.
“Our daughter.”
Twenty- Three
Julia
The words left my lips and hit Kellan’s ears like a brick. I could see his entire demeanor change. He sunk into himself. His eyes darkened and his face lost all color. His breathing stopped almost completely as he stood staring at me in shock.
“What did you just say?” he asked.
I took a deep breath and tried to explain.
“When you left,” I said. “I was pregnant. I didn’t know it at the time. That night, I only knew that my heart was breaking. A week later, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Oh my God…”
“I didn’t know what to do,” I continued. “Or, what I should do, but I knew I had to decide fast. I talked to my mom and to Lacey. They both supported me. They said they would stand by me no matter what decision I made. When I decided to give the baby up, it was the hardest decision I ever made. I was six months along when I asked Lacey to adopt the baby. I didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing and then having to give her up. Lacey said she would keep her. She held me while I cried over it and she was there in the room when I gave birth.”
“So, Lacey has our cub?” Kellan asked. His voice was soft, but I could hear the anger bubbling beneath the surface.
“No,” I shook my head. “When she was born, I held her. I held her for a long time and then they took her away. The second she left the room I knew I made a huge mistake. I started screaming and sobbing. I yelled as loud as I could until Lacey and my mom came running into the room. I told them I made a mistake, that I wanted to keep my baby. They thought I was just emotional and sleep deprived. They wanted me to sleep on it, but I didn’t need any more time. I knew the second I saw her that I couldn’t lose her. She was mine.”
“Ours,” Kellan corrected with a glare. “She is OURS. How the hell could you keep this from me?”
“I thought about telling you a thousand times,” I said. “But you were gone and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you would say or how you would react.”
“That doesn’t matter!” he said. “I had a right to know I was a father.”
“Would it have changed anything?” I demanded. “Would you have left the Alphas to be a dad?”
“What I would or wouldn’t have done isn’t the point, Julia,” he said. “You kept my child from me for five years! How could you do that?”
“I was scared.”
The truth felt like an excuse, but I said it anyway. Kellan watched my face and knew I wasn’t lying. He saw how terrified I was back then. In that moment, he felt all my fear and pain.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said softly. “For you. For her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said. “That wasn’t fair.”
“What’s her name?” he asked. He glanced behind me, looking at the front door as if he only just realized where he was. “Is she here?”
“She’s at Lacey’s playing with her cousins for a few hours,” I said. “Her name is Lillian. Lillian Marie.”
“Marie?” Kellan asked, his eyes widened in surprise.
“After your mother,” I nodded. “You know I always loved her.”
“You didn’t tell...” he began.
“Your parents?” I asked. “Of course not. Do you really think they would have kept that from you?”
“Maybe,” he shrugged. “If you had asked them to.”
“I didn’t,” I said. “I didn’t tell anyone outside of my family.”
“Does she know about me? About what I am? What she is?”
“My assistant is a shifter, she has friends at school that are as well. But no, she doesn’t know she’s a bear. I wanted to wait, until I knew for sure she had the gene.”
“What? You were waiting until she changed? You know how scary that is? She could hurt herself!”
“I don’t know actually, I’m human remember?”
“And when she did change, what then?”
“I’d have to tell her the truth. I knew eventually I would, I just wasn’t ready.”
“I want to see her,” he said bluntly. There wasn’t a question in his voice. It was a demand. One I couldn’t ignore.
I nodded and gestured toward the car. We climbed inside and drove through town until we reached Lacey’s house. I pulled into the driveway and Kellan immediately jumped out of the car.
“Wait,” I said. I hurried after him. I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me. “You can’t just barge in there.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “She’s my daughter.”
“But she doesn’t know that,” I reminded him. “Please, for her, just give me a minute to explain things to her. Please.”
Kellan looked like he wanted to shove me to the ground and race inside the house, but he knew I was right. No matter how angry he was with me, he couldn’t put his own needs above Lillian’s. She needed to be prepared for what was about to happen.
I stepped around Kellan and made my way up to the front door. I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Lacey opened the door with a smile.
“You’re early,” she said. “We didn’t expect you until later.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Um… something came up and I need to talk to Lillian. Now.”
“Okay,” Lacey frowned. She stepped aside and let me in. “Julia, what’s going on?”
“I told Kellan,” I said. “He’s here to meet her.”
“Oh my God.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
“Upstairs.” Lacey pointed to the stairs. She touched my shoulder as I walked by.
The kids were playing in the playroom, all of them giggling. I leaned against the wall and watched them for a few seconds. I wanted to imprint the image onto my brain.
“Hey guys,” I finally said. “Can you go find your mom while I talk to Lili for a minute?”
“Mom!” Lili said. “We’re playing!”
“I know, sweetheart,” I told her. “But this is really important, okay?”
“Fine,” she rolled her eyes as her cousins ran downstairs. “What is it?”
“Come here,” I said. I gestured for her to come stand in front of me. I knelt so I was level with her. I smiled and smoothed her curls down. She had grown up so much that there were times when I forgot how little she still was. She was just a little girl, after all. She hadn’t even started kindergarten yet.
“Mommy,” she said with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you remember when you asked me about your daddy?” I asked.
“Yes,” Lili nodded. “You said he was a brave soldier. You said he was busy fighting for our country.”
“He was,” I nodded. “He did that for a long time, but now he’s done. He’s retired and he’s here to meet you. Is that something you want?”
Lili thought about it for a second and frowned. She took a step backward and looked down at her shoes. I could see the wheels of thought turning in her five-year-old mind.
“Am I going to live with him now?” she asked.
“No,” I shook my head. “You’ll stay with me. I promise.”
“Is he nice?” she asked.
“You’ll love him,” I told her with a smile. “He’s really nice.”
“Okay,” she nodded. “Then, I want to meet him.”