CHAPTER THREE
“Did you come?”
Wilbet Monhundy’s voice was rough in Xan’s ear—and his hands around his throat even rougher. Xan squeezed his asshole around Monhundy’s throbbing cock, hoping to distract him from the evidence of his climax cooling on the floor between his carpet-burned knees.
“I said did you come?” Monhundy growled, squeezing Xan’s throat hard enough that his vision swam. The roughness of Monhundy’s pants against Xan’s buttocks and the rasp of his still-buttoned shirt over Xan’s naked back was a visceral reminder of how vulnerable Xan was—exposed, penetrated, and at Monhundy’s mercy.
“Yes,” he confessed, choking out the word. He broke into a cold sweat as his body shook under the violent onslaught of Monhundy’s cruel thrusts. “I came.”
Monhundy growled, fucked into him harder, and shoved Xan’s face down against the colorful carpet as he emptied his load into Xan’s spasming ass. As soon as he’d caught his breath, he hissed, “You know what that means.” Monhundy jerked his cock free, leaving Xan gaping open—used, worthless, and dissatisfied.
Worse, dissatisfying.
Xan wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand, his legs shaking as Monhundy rose up behind him and jerked him to his feet. Unsteadily, he stared around at the richly decorated receiving room, the choices undoubtedly those of Monhundy’s contracted omega.
The wood floor was covered in beautiful carpets, and the crushed velvet sofa was of the most cutting-edge design. The handsome table next to the leather armchair held a beautiful tea service with roses on the side of the cups. Xan took a shuddery breath.
This was the room where he was going to die.
Monhundy yanked him around, his square-jawed face creased with revulsion and cruelty. Towering over Xan, he looked every inch an ideal alpha. Bulky muscles, wide shoulders, and strong thighs evident even under his clothes, and a massive cock that put Xan’s own to shame. As Monhundy stared down at him, Xan’s heart pounded and his pulse rushed wildly in his ears.
The smash of Monhundy’s fist against his cheekbone took his breath away, and his vision exploded into stars. He fought for balance, like riding out ocean waves. Then his breath vanished again as Monhundy’s hands gripped his neck and squeezed.
Hard.
Xan’s eyes rolled back. He clawed helplessly at Monhundy’s strong hands around his throat as Monhundy lifted and shook him like a rag doll. His still half-hard cock slapped against his stomach, and Monhundy knocked his legs apart.
“Filthy unmanned slut,” Monhundy hissed.
Xan tried to scream, his stomach heaving as Monhundy kneed him in the balls. Vomit lurched up his throat and into his air-hungry mouth, nearly choking him. He forced it back down. Another drive into his balls left him convulsing as Monhundy held him aloft by his throat. Then Monhundy dropped him to the carpet.
Xan panted there, sucking in a desperate breath, only to wretch and choke on the pain ripping up through his gut.
“Sick, twisted, unmanned, piece of shit,” Monhundy said, spitting in Xan’s face and kicking him hard in the thigh. “You know what happens when you come. Don’t you?”
“Yes,” Xan rasped.
“That’s right. I get to teach you another lesson.” He dropped down to grip Xan’s hair and jerk him up from the carpet. Saliva and vomit rattled in Xan’s throat as he pulled in tortured breaths and peered up at Monhundy’s face, still stupidly handsome, even twisted with rage as it was.
“Get on your knees,” Monhundy spit out, rising and standing tall.
Xan hastened to obey. “I’m sorry. Please…”
“Please what? Fuck your ass again? You’re a nasty bit of trash, coming here begging for me to plug you up with my cock. Then you go and ruin it by coming.” His nostrils flared. “You sick, disgusting, piece of filth.” He spit in Xan’s face again. It ran down his cheek and dropped to his heaving, naked chest. “Who comes?”
“The alpha.”
“And what are you?”
“Scum.”
“Not even scum, and not an omega. That’s for sure.” He nudged Xan’s legs apart again and insinuated his boot against his throbbing balls. Xan held himself motionless except for his wretched sobs. Sweat ran down his naked back. “Unmanned whores don’t get to come. Say it.”
“Unmanned whores don’t get to come.”
“Do you know why I fuck you?”
Power. The pleasure of seeing him on his knees begging. The sick joy of hurting another alpha.
Xan clamped his lips closed.
“I fuck you because it entertains me to sit across from your father at business meetings and know that I’ve had his only alpha son and heir crying on my cock.”
“Please don’t tell—”
Monhundy smacked his face hard and Xan’s head rocked back. “The rule is I fuck you until I come, and you, unmanned whore, don’t.”
“I’m sorry.” Xan hadn’t meant to come. The fuck hadn’t even felt good. Monhundy sawing into him without any preparation or even spit for lube had left him screeching in pain, but somehow his sick, twisted mind had responded to it. When he’d come hard and uncontrollably, spraying jizz onto Monhundy’s receiving room carpet, he’d been as shocked as he was scared.
Monhundy dragged Xan by the hair and pushed him face down to the carpet. “My omega won’t be made to clean your foul emission. Lick it up.”
Xan sniffed, tears and snot clogging his throat, but he did as he was told, licking the sticky pool of his semen. He gagged and choked, trying to swallow it down.
“Look at you. You love it.”
Xan moaned, his asshole still aching and his balls throbbing. Monhundy pushed thick, rough fingers into him and jabbed at his sensitive prostate. Xan squirmed and whimpered, licking up the last of the come.
“I bet you’d take another of my loads and love it,” Monhundy said, disgust lacing his voice. “I bet you’d let any alpha have you. More than one, even. The most depraved of the depraved.”
Xan didn’t point out that Monhundy was the one who’d originally started this sexual game between them. Throughout school, he’d bullied Xan relentlessly. Even then Xan had recognized the sizzle of violent attraction on Monhundy’s part, the burn of alpha expression. And then, after Xan had left school and Monhundy had graduated, the dark fascination between them had only escalated.
Every time they ran into each other—at parties, at bars, at clubs—fists came out on both sides, and threats too. Until one day, Monhundy, drunk and enraged from a late-night confrontation between them in a pub on the wrong side of town, had waited for Xan to leave alone. When Xan finally departed, Monhundy had used his great height and enormous strength to drag Xan into a dark, stinking alley behind the pub.
“Do you want me to fuck you?” he’d gritted out.
“Yes,” Xan had said.
Then Monhundy had punched him repeatedly until he couldn’t see straight.
“Do you still want me to fuck you?” he’d growled in Xan’s ear.
Tears running down his face, Xan had nodded. “Yes.”
Without another word, Monhundy had ripped down his pants and dry fucked him up against the alley’s brick wall.
Xan still clearly remembered the rough slide of the bricks against his cheek and the shockingly painful penetration of Monhundy’s alpha-sized cock. He’d screamed his head off but Monhundy had silenced him by cutting off his breath that night too. Xan had struggled, but Monhundy was twice his size and strong as a horse. Eventually, Xan had surrendered, certain he’d be fucked to death there in that filthy alley.
Shockingly, he’d come that horrible night, too, painting those alleyway bricks with his semen. It’d been too dark for Monhundy to see the evidence of Xan’s demented brokenness. But Xan had stared at the streaks of white from his crumpled position on the pavement, where Monhundy had dropped him and left him for dead.
In that moment, he’d known the depths of his own depravity. He’d lived, yes, but he’d been ruined in more ways than anyone knew. He’d never forget what it felt like to lay there in that alley—pants down around his ankles and his body dripping with Monhundy’s come and his own blood. The shame stayed forever on his heart.
That had been Xan’s first taste of the darkness. And after he’d discovered it—the pain, the pleasure, the horror—he couldn’t stay away. Seeking Monhundy out became his addiction. He made a game of getting Monhundy alone and taunting him until he cracked and brutally fucked Xan again and again. He pushed his former bully—now his abuser—harder each time until the incidents between them became so violent and dangerous that Caleb feared for Xan’s life, and, wolf-god, Xan couldn’t blame him.
Now he’d taken things farther than he ever had. He’d dared to drop by Monhundy’s own house to beg for it. If Kerry, Monhundy’s omega, had been home, nothing would have come of it. Xan would have found another excuse to explain why he’d come by, some sort of business discussion that Monhundy would have seen through, but his omega would have bought. But Kerry was away, visiting his ailing pater, and so Xan had dropped to his knees as soon as the beta servant who’d escorted him into the receiving room was dismissed.
And Monhundy hadn’t failed to give Xan a fix of his favorite drug.
Monhundy raked a hand through his dark hair and stared down at Xan, eyes glittering with loathing. Xan swallowed down the last of the come he’d licked up and opened his mouth, offering his throat for use by Monhundy’s refreshed and ragingly hard dick.
He half expected Monhundy to plunge into him and choke him to death, proving his dominance through the ultimate in alpha expression. Xan closed his eyes and shuddered, submitting to the inevitable, both terrified and titillated by the thought.
Just like that, all of his pain and guilt could all be over. All of it.
“Go home,” Monhundy said, standing up and kicking him in the ass with the toe of his boot. He closed his pants and tucked in his shirt. He sneered down at Xan with his perfectly cut jawline and fashionable fop of dark hair. He tossed his strong shoulders back proudly. “You disgust me.”
Xan stood slowly, his knees protesting and his stomach lurching again. He got dressed as quickly as possible. He buttoned up his shirt, knotted his bow tie messily, and hitched his pants up over his bruised hips. He’d just managed to get them closed before Monhundy gripped him by the back of the neck and steered him toward the front door, where he tossed him and his shoes onto the front sidewalk. Xan, still weak and beyond shaken, sprawled onto his ass, the concrete cutting into his palms.
“Don’t come back,” Monhundy commanded, spitting on Xan once more for good measure. “I’ll call you if I ever want to use your filthy ass again. But don’t hold your breath.” He tossed Xan’s coat out and then slammed the door and locked it.
Xan shuddered where he sprawled on the cold concrete. The sky above twinkled with stars and the moon rode the clouds—white and pure—the all-seeing eye of wolf. His scraped palms burned, and his knee was twisted up beneath him. Tears slipped down his face helplessly.
Slowly, he rose, whimpering as he tugged on his coat and shoes before stepping onto the main sidewalk that ran by houses glowing with warm lights that weren’t meant for him. He felt like an outcast, cold and alone.
His body was a bruise and his injured balls screamed with each step he took. His asshole burned hotly and he wondered if the wetness below was blood seeping through his pants or, if possibly, he’d pissed himself while being strangled. He’d done that once before—when they’d fucked in Monhundy’s office one night.
Monhundy had choked him out and then hadn’t been pleased at Xan’s urine wetting his office sofa. Xan had thought he might truly meet his end that night too. His left eyebrow still held the scar from the damage Monhundy’s fist had done afterward. He ran his tongue over another scar on the inside of his lower lip.
As he limped away from the Monhundy mansion, he tightened his coat around himself protectively. Trying to keep steady on his feet, he soldiered on despite the pain. He’d parked around the corner and down two blocks to avoid having his too-obvious green car sighted by anyone who knew of his and Monhundy’s enmity, and thus might ask questions.
Those two blocks seemed an impossible distance to travel now, beaten and bruised as he was. He carefully put one foot in front of another, grateful for the empty sidewalk and quiet streets. At least there were no witnesses to his walk of shame. He hoped he wouldn’t pass out, though, as colored dots swam in his eyes and his breath came in short, sharp pants.
A long, golden-toned car passed him and then slowed, stopping not far away. Xan pulled his collar up, hiding his face, and quickened his steps, praying the person would just move on and leave him alone.
“Xan?”
The deep, sturdy voice was familiar and safe, but it also lit up a warning deep in Xan. He put on a burst of speed, but the man he was trying to avoid didn’t give up so easily. He heard a car door slam and then the thud of footsteps, the distinctive tread of a strong alpha heading his way. Xan’s eyes filled with helpless tears. What could he say? How could he explain? Panic gripped him. Of all the people in the world to see him like this!
Urho’s hand gripped Xan’s arm and whirled him around. His baffled expression was almost comical, and Xan nearly laughed, but when his mouth opened only a peculiar sob escaped. Xan clapped his palm over his lips, holding in the rest.
Urho’s handsome face darkened. “Wolf-god, what’s happened?”
Xan jerked his arm away. “I’m fine. Leave me alone.”
He limped on, his asshole spasming painfully and his balls aching. He tried to swallow down a betraying whimper, but it wouldn’t be held back. It burst free as he tripped over an uneven bit of sidewalk.
“For wolf-god’s sake, man, let me help you,” Urho said, wrapping an arm around Xan’s lower back to hold him up. “Were you mugged? Was there more than one of them?” He gazed around, hunting for the attackers who’d left Xan in this state. Then he sniffed the air before leaning in and scenting Xan from chest to neck. A strangled noise exited his throat. “You’ve been…” He gasped, as though he struggled to even say the words. “One of them forced themselves on you?”
“No,” Xan denied, his voice rasping. “Just let me go. I need to get home.”
Urho frowned, his alpha nose clearly picking up the scent of semen. “Let me help you. You’re bleeding and—”
“This isn’t your business,” Xan said, drawing himself up as haughtily as he could manage given the pain he was in. “Thank you for your help, Dr. Chase, but my omega is waiting for me at home. He’ll be worried.”
Urho choked, frustration plain in his dark eyes. “Let me drive you.”
“My car isn’t far.” Xan pointed ahead. “Around the corner.”
Urho gripped his elbow to steady him and said, “Then I’ll walk you to it.”
Xan nearly protested again, but his twisted knee throbbed and his entire body shook as he tried to walk. He ignored Urho’s eyes all over him, no doubt cataloguing his wounds. His suspicion was confirmed with Urho’s next words.
“Whose handprints are around your neck? Your attacker’s? We should call the police. Immediately. And we should get you to a hospital.”
“No! No hospital.”
“At least allow me to examine you at my home. It’s just a street over. Come with me.”
“No. My omega is waiting for me. I need to get home to him.”
“Xan—”
“Look, I wasn’t mugged. Or attacked.”
“Of course you’re embarrassed to admit what happened,” Urho spoke gently, like Xan was a wild thing that was going to bite. If he tried to muscle him into going to the hospital, Xan just might prove him right. “What alpha wouldn’t be? But this is a crime. Xan, you must see that you can’t leave it unreported.”
Xan didn’t reply, concentrating on getting one foot in front of the other. Even with Urho’s steadying hand, it was hard to stay upright. Finally, he said, “It’s a crime, but it wasn’t rape.”
“So you know your attacker,” Urho said darkly. “You don’t want to name him.”
“I just want to go home.”
“I demand to know who did this.” Urho spoke with authority that rattled Xan deeply and made him want to obey. But he couldn’t. There was too much at stake. For Xan, especially, and for Caleb too. Urho’s idea of help would only make things infinitely worse for everyone.
Xan kept walking.
Urho followed on his heels. “I demand to know what alpha has put his hands on you in this abominable manner? Who forced you into a vile act of submission?”
“I’m unmanned,” Xan whispered furiously, spinning to face Urho in the street. He had to put a stop to this before Urho attempted to use his greater physical power and size to manhandle Xan into compliance.
“I can see—and smell—that you’ve been forced to submit,” Urho said, lowering his voice to a tender, calmness meant to soothe. “But that doesn’t make you unmanned. This is a violation, not a lasting condemnation of your character.”
“You don’t get it!” Xan cried. “It’s how I am. Ask Jason. Or Caleb.” His throat hurt from having been squeezed. He could barely force out the words. “As an unmanned alpha, I get what’s coming to me. Understand?”
Urho shook his head, eyes narrowing in confusion. The silver in his dark hair shimmered in the rising moonlight. “This is nonsense. You have an omega…”
Xan groaned, turning his back on Urho again. He needed to get to his car and make it home before he passed out from pain and before the horror he’d no doubt feel keenly in the morning caught up with him in the present.
“I get what’s coming to me,” he said again, darkness surging up inside. The ink black of his soul, fed so thoroughly by his encounters with Monhundy, past and present, confirmed that he was broken and twisted. Unmanned, unlovable, and utterly unworthy. “I get what I deserve.”
Urho’s hold on him loosened, shock working its way over his face, his eyes widening as he finally seemed to understand that Xan was no victim.
“That’s my car,” Xan said, nodding to the lime-green spectacle he’d bought on an optimistic day—a day when he’d felt more like his real self, the one who didn’t give in to temptation and come to Wilbet Monhundy’s house begging for a beating.
Urho’s voice was ghostly as he asked, “Are you capable of driving home?”
“Yes,” Xan lied. He wasn’t sure, actually. “Caleb will take care of me. Don’t worry.”
Urho stared at him, his lips drawn tight and closed.
“And, please, don’t mention this to Jason. He’s got enough on his mind.” Xan stepped away from Urho’s strong grip and climbed into his car, fumbling the keys before he was able to start the engine and pull away from the curb.
In the rearview mirror, Urho stood on the sidewalk, hands in pockets, staring after him with a dark expression. Vomit pushed up into Xan’s mouth, and he swallowed it down, groaning miserably. He’d never had Urho’s good opinion, but he sure as wolf-hell wouldn’t ever have it now. He’d be lucky if the man didn’t turn him in to the police.
Given how close he’d come to death tonight, Urho’s opinion of him was the last thing that should matter. And yet, for the whole, surreal drive home, Urho’s dark, bewildered eyes and tightly drawn lips, the evidence of his disgust and disapproval, were all Xan could think about.
It hurt almost as much as his physical injuries.
“Oh, darling, why do you do this to yourself?” Caleb asked. His cool, long fingers trailed gently over the marks on Xan’s throat, and his kind, blue eyes shone sadly. The moonlight and cold night air spilled into Caleb’s sumptuous bedroom through the open sash, washing over Xan’s feverish, red, bruised, and broken skin. He wore only pajama bottoms, his robe discarded on the floor by the bed. Sounds of the city drifted in the windows.
“I don’t know. I can’t stop myself when the need hits me.”
Caleb sighed. “One day, he could kill you.” He helped Xan into the bed, facedown, so that he could treat Xan’s worst injuries from Monhundy’s kicks to his back.
“I know. And then what would happen to you?” Xan conceded, his eyes drooping with exhaustion. The cool sheets and blankets felt good on his hot skin.
Caleb tucked his blond, chin-length hair behind his ears as he peered at Xan’s wounds. He treated them as gently and lovingly as any pater with his precious child. It made Xan feel loved and safe in a way he knew, deep down, he wholly didn’t deserve.
The hot poultices that Caleb laid across Xan’s bruised back and hips soothed him. The soft bed Caleb nested in nightly with fluffy pillows and soft blankets beckoned Xan to sleep. But he’d need to return to his own room before long, where he’d ache with loneliness the way he deserved, and dream of an alpha that could love him as though he were a true omega.
“As if that’s what worries me most,” Caleb murmured. Though Xan wouldn’t blame him at all if that were his biggest fear. Caleb had his own secrets to keep and needs to meet. There was a reason the so-called “unmatchable omega” had contracted with an unmanned alpha, after all. Of course those reasons were a secret between the two of them and not known to the world at large. So long as Xan didn’t spoil things with his recklessness, they didn’t ever need to be.
“We might not be lovers in the truest sense, but I do care for you, Xan,” Caleb said, smearing arnica lotion over the smaller bruises. Xan hissed and hid his face in the crook of his arm. “More than as a cover for my own defects. We are friends, aren’t we?”
“Family,” Xan said firmly, his alpha-given proprietary urge rising up hard. Caleb wasn’t his true love, but he was his omega. They’d made promises and contracted after all. Caleb was most definitely his, and while they might not share the things other contracted couples shared, no matter what, they were family now.
“Then as your family, but, more importantly in my opinion, as your true friend, I’m begging you to stop seeing this monster.”
Xan held back the cutting, accusatory remarks that leapt to his tongue, knowing they reflected his own fears about his worth as an alpha and not Caleb’s actual opinions. The nasty blame echoed in his mind all the same.
If you don’t stop now, someone will find out, Xan. How long can this remain a secret? And what then? If you’re discovered, you won’t be the only one to pay a price. Caleb will suffer too. And your brother, Ray. The family will be humiliated. Your parents. And your friends. Association with you will be damnation for everyone who cares for you. Why are you so craven and selfish? Why are you so disgusting?
“Xan, stop beating yourself up,” Caleb said, knowing him too well. “You’ve done enough of that tonight by letting that alpha abuse you again. Does he always have to hurt you so much?”
“He likes it.”
“Do you?”
Xan squeezed his eyes shut, tightness in his throat making it hard to speak. “I don’t know what I like anymore.”
Caleb sighed forlornly. “And I’m of no help at all.”
“You’re all kinds of help. You’re patching me up, aren’t you?” Xan tried to sound devil-may-care, but the pain in his voice ruined the effect. “You’re a wonderful omega.”
“What were you even doing on that side of town?” Caleb asked gently, as always trying not to sound nearly as critical as Xan knew he had every right to be.
“Visiting Jason and Vale. I was going to come right home, but…” He shuddered as Caleb rubbed arnica into his back. The sick ache of pressure on the boot-shaped bruise made him nauseous. He should tell Caleb about Vale and Jason’s news, but he just didn’t have the energy.
“He’s your cocaine,” Caleb murmured, mentioning the drug that had flayed open and destabilized Caleb’s childhood when his father became addicted to it and lost the family fortune.
There’d been so many reasons Xan’s parents had opposed their match, including Caleb being older, at twenty-nine, and carrying a dubious reputation. The history of addiction and scandal had been another black mark. They’d only given in when they’d realized Xan was determined beyond reason to contract with the beautiful Caleb and that he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of any other omega. Now his parents liked Caleb better than they liked him, but that was another story altogether.
Xan bit down on the inside of his cheek, remembering how he’d once thought Caleb was the savior he’d been looking for. How terribly wrong he’d been. And now he’d dragged poor Caleb down with him, making the handsome, patient man subject once again to the poorly managed addiction of the alpha in his life. Shame rose hotly to his cheeks.
“I’ll quit him,” Xan promised. He no longer knew how many times Caleb had implored him to stop submitting to Monhundy’s violence and how many times he’d agreed, only to decide a few weeks later to endure it “one last time.”
“You must, before he murders you.”
“Or the truth gets out.”
Caleb sat back on his heels, his brow arched as he gazed imperiously down at Xan. It was an expression he excelled at. “Your priorities remain skewed. Your life is more important than your reputation.”
“My father wouldn’t agree. Or Ray.”
“You don’t give your brother enough credit. As for your father… Well…” Caleb trailed off, both of them no doubt remembering the family dinner when Xan’s father had declared that he’d rather have a dead son than an unmanned one after a rumor about the nature of Xan’s proclivities had come to his attention. “The state you’re in, I’m surprised you were able to make it home.”
“I had help,” Xan admitted.
“Someone drove you?” Caleb asked carefully.
“No, Urho Chase saw me trying to get to my car and he assisted me.”
Though Xan shouldn’t have driven himself. He’d nearly passed out twice as he’d tried to navigate the streets, blinking in and out of consciousness as the world dissolved around him. Luckily, the roads had been mostly deserted, but still, the trip had been harrowing.
When he’d arrived at their upscale house in Center Square, just a half mile from his parents’ palatial home, he’d been grateful to see Lenser, one of his most discreet beta servants at the front door. He’d handed over the keys to the car, asked Lenser to put it in the garage, and headed inside, glad to be home in one piece, and aware that while Lenser would ask no questions and spread no rumors, he’d still seen his employer in a state no man could call respectable.
Thank wolf-god that betas didn’t have the scenting ability of omegas or alphas, or Lenser would have known the truth instantly. As Urho had.
“Dr. Chase is an alpha,” Caleb said, sitting back with wide eyes. “You arrived here reeking of the monster’s semen. There’s no way he didn’t smell him on you.”
Xan’s gut tangled up and hot humiliation and cold fear rushed over him at once. “He did.”
“And you told him what? That you’d been attacked? Set upon by some alpha who…?” Caleb’s uncertainty drove into Xan with a ferocious need to protect him, to promise his omega that everything would be okay. He was an alpha after all, no matter what sick things he got up to sexually. He still felt the urge to protect his omega from harm.
“I told him the truth.”
Caleb gasped. “You… Why?”
“As you said, he scented it on me. He demanded we call the police. You know how Urho is, so upright and correct. And I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to come up with another plan. The truth seemed the only way out.”
“And what truth was that?” Caleb’s blond brows rose. “The one you tell me or the real, honest to wolf-god truth?”
“The least amount of it I could afford to tell while still stopping him from doing the so-called ‘right’ thing and calling the police.”
“And did you tell him about Jason?”
Xan flinched. “No. That’s not something Jason would want.” Though he’d hinted to Urho that Jason knew something, hadn’t he? He slowly met Caleb’s eyes.” I didn’t realize you knew about Jason.”
“Not from you, that’s for certain. And, no, not from Jason either. But I’m not a fool. I know you well enough now and I’ve seen how you look at him sometimes, the way you still long for him. And I’ve seen how he looks at you with affection and, well, for lack of a better word, guilt. He knows you far too well and treats you too generously to just be an old friend.”
“We were lovers, yes.”
“What ended it?”
Xan sighed. “He found Vale.”
“I see.” Caleb knew the story of Vale and Jason’s imprinting. They told it now like it was a sweet tale, waxing lyrical over the moment like it hadn’t been violent, terrifying, and basically assault. The rose-colored glasses of Erosgapé love had taken the sting from it for them. Not so much for Xan.
“And now Dr. Chase knows about you.”
Xan buried his face in his hands. “I was delirious and in pain. I don’t know how much he understood or believed. It’s not too late to handle it, control the story.”
“Mmm,” Caleb hummed. “And what did Dr. Chase say?”
“He was confused. I’m surprised he let me drive home. I think his shock is all that allowed him to release me.”
“As if that’s a good thing! You’d have been better off under a doctor’s care. Who knows what that monster has done to you?” Caleb adjusted a poultice that had slipped with Xan’s squirming. “I wish you’d let me look.”
“No.” Xan enjoyed Caleb’s care on his external wounds, but he had limits as to what he’d let his omega see of the aftermath of indulging in his addiction.
“Dr. Chase…” Caleb sighed again. “He’ll have questions.”
“I’m sure.”
“He’ll call Jason.”
“I don’t think he will. Not right now.”
Caleb looked doubtful, and on another day, he’d be right. But Urho wasn’t going to bother Jason, not if it would add stress to Vale. The pregnancy, terrifying as it was, would at least shield Jason and Xan from dealing with that awkward conversation.
“Dr. Chase is old-fashioned,” Caleb said quietly. “I know you admire him, and I’ve seen how you look at him.”
“What’s that mean?”
“You know what it means, Xan.” Caleb didn’t sound angry, just sad and tired. For both of them. “I know you admire him,” he said again. “But is he trustworthy?”
“I think so. Yes.” Especially now when Vale was delicate. Urho would never put Vale at risk; his loyalty and investment there was too strong, and that meant he’d keep Xan’s secret. At least until Jason and Vale’s baby was born…or not born. As the case may be. His gut twisted up.
“I suppose I’ll have to trust your assessment.”
“I know I made a mistake tonight.”
“Darling, you make this mistake far too often. It breaks my heart.” Caleb nuzzled the back of Xan’s neck. There was nothing sensual in the action, only a needy seeking of reassurance. An omega gesture, and Xan responded as he should, with an alpha’s comfort.
“We’re all right, Caleb. I promise I’ll always take care of you.”
Caleb huffed softly and then pulled back. “I’d rather you took care of yourself.”
“I’m tired,” Xan said, carefully rolling onto his back, dislodging the poultices, and sitting up. He broke out into a sweat from the effort, and as he gingerly stood, Caleb helped him up.
“You need to rest. What excuse will you use tomorrow?”
“I’ll go to work,” Xan said.
“But your face…”
Xan touched his swollen cheekbone and grimaced. “I take it there’s no hiding it?”
“Not even with the stage makeup we have left over from that costume party we attended.”
“I’ll have to claim flu, then.”
“Yes,” Caleb agreed. “I’ll make the call in the morning.”
“Thank you.” His knotted gut relaxed.
If Caleb called, his father wouldn’t scream and yell, and he’d likely leave Xan alone for at least a few days. Caleb, like so many omegas, knew just how to speak to an alpha to reduce the threat of aggression, and Xan was grateful for that.
How many family dinners had been salvaged by Caleb’s smooth interference when Father began his usual vicious picking on Xan? It was hard being the family’s only alpha offspring, with all the hopes of the future pinned on him, especially when he was so very, deeply flawed, and everyone suspected the truth, even if they didn’t quite know it for sure.
“I can make it on my own,” Xan said, bending to pick up his robe and hissing in pain as he did.
“Let me help” Caleb slipped the soft robe over Xan’s shoulders.
The cold breeze from the windows prickled his skin, and he was wracked with a painful shudder. In his own room, the beta servants would have stoked his fire for the night, and he’d be able to snuggle into bed toasty and warm. It was only Caleb who preferred to sleep in an ice-cold room.
Caleb’s pale skin glowed in the moonlight, perfect and unblemished. His hairless chest and abdomen was revealed by the V of his white silk robe, and Xan wished, as always, that he felt moved at all by the sight. It was, by all rights, a beautiful one. Caleb was the epitome of an omega—delicate and sweet, handsome and fit, with sensual quirks, like sleepy eyes and a pouty mouth.
Most alphas ached to defend and possess him. He’d been coveted for many years at the Philia Committee soirées for unmatched omegas, but he’d refused to entertain anyone’s offer until Xan had come along. And even then he’d rejected Xan until he’d finally understood their needs were perfectly matched…
At least most of the time.
Xan took the tub of liniment Caleb had been using on him and kissed him gently on the cheek. Caleb walked him to the door of his room and, just before Xan left, took him into a gentle hug. “Sleep well, alpha mine,” he murmured.
Xan’s throat tightened and he bit out, “And you, my omega.”
The hallway was long and his room was on the opposite end of it. The house was, aside for a few rooms Caleb had claimed as his own, decorated to Xan’s ornate taste. And the hallway was no exception. Mirrors lined the walls, giving his usually vain appetite a constant view of himself. But tonight he kept his eyes on the soft, red carpet that rolled out down the wooden floor. He didn’t need to see himself all black and blue and red. The consequences of indulging in his dark addiction were never something Xan reveled in.
He passed the wide stairwell down to the first floor and continued past the closed doors of other bedrooms, unclaimed, and, as of now, mostly undecorated, save for two rooms designated for guests.
The house itself was larger than they needed, but Xan still had some futile hope of filling the many rooms between his and Caleb’s with children—somehow, some way. If he could solve his problem with performance during heat…and if his sperm would behave and knock up Caleb sooner rather than later, he’d like to begin with that dream immediately.
It was his duty, after all, to carry on the Heelies name and to provide a family for Caleb to love. Caleb desperately wanted to be a pater and Xan had promised him he would be.
Wolf-god, he’d promised Caleb so many things.
Xan sighed, opening the door to his warm room before closing it carefully behind him. The wide bed stood between four wooden posters and beneath a red canopy. The fire burned in the grate, just as he’d known it would, and the sheets had been turned back welcomingly.
He slipped off his robe and pajama pants and threw them over the velvet chair in the corner. He dug his toes into the long, pearl gray shag of the rug he’d purchased in Rapersten during a business trip a year ago. He’d been only the figurehead, of course, there to smile, shake hands, and sign the contracts his brother Ray had negotiated with the rug dealers there. But he’d selected this rug himself from the piles and piles in the warehouse he’d visited.
Carefully, he lowered himself to his bed and stared up at the flat, red expanse of cloth over him. His thoughts raced hard against the lingering pain, like wild horses storming through his mind. He’d brought all of this on himself, he knew that, and didn’t deserve forgiveness for it. But what had he done to deserve this craving? Was he born evil? Had he done something so horrible in a past life that wolf-god saw fit to punish him even now in this one?
A little over a year ago, he’d been hopeful that his abnormal lusts were something he could put behind him. He’d contracted with Caleb and they’d agreed to live a celibate life, except when heats came on. This fit Caleb’s needs perfectly and his own better than any other omega match could have done.
He’d thought their partnership was going to be his salvation. They’d make the family his father and pater required, and he’d continue as the figurehead while his brilliant beta brother ran the family business. He’d find peace with what he was allowed.
Xan had been entirely confident the plan would work. He’d learned in school that during heat, an omega’s pheromones drove an alpha to instinctive arousal and lust. He’d been sure there could be no problem on his end when exposed to the scents of Caleb in heat. He was an alpha after all. He’d been so certain that he’d outright promised Caleb that he’d never suffer even a moment of pain when the time came.
Oh, how hilariously presumptuous that all seemed now.
It was right that his body was hurt so badly that the helpless, hateful laugh these thoughts brought up left him gasping in pain with hot tears burning his eyes. The only thing that’d gone right in that pitiful plan was choosing Caleb, who was more understanding than Xan had any right to expect.
Xan didn’t plan to ever forgive himself for all the ways his plan had fallen apart. Caleb, though, was always ready to forgive and forget, to move ahead and forge a new strategy together, tugging Xan along with him when he balked from shame. Caleb had gone all in with him, ready to ride the storms of their life until the bitter end. He was a ridiculously good man, and Xan didn’t deserve him. Not even a little.
Of course, Caleb didn’t agree with him. Instead, Caleb called himself equally flawed, and always said they were a perfect match. Even after a night like this.
An owl screeched outside his window, piercing his veil of wretched self-pity. He reached for the tub of liniment and discarded his underwear. Leaning back on the bed, he spread his sore legs wide and reached down to test his swollen, bleeding entrance.
He was always too ashamed to let Caleb tend to this wound.
With tears standing in his eyes, he scooped out two fingerfuls of liniment and pressed them into himself, whimpering as the pain flared. Then, fingers still inside, he rolled onto his side, sobs wracking his body. The arnica soothed even as his fingers opened up the wounds.
He loathed that he was incapable of turning his back on the darkness for long. Why couldn’t he just stay away and stay celibate, like Caleb? When they’d made their solemn contract together, he hadn’t thought it would be so hard, or that he could possibly be so very depraved.
In the dry heat of his bedroom, curled up in his soft bed, his asshole throbbing with his heartbeat, Xan cried himself to sleep.