Chapter 14

“I already told you, Derek,” said Tony as they walked across the parking lot towards the spot where the shuttle vans were parked. “You smacked your head good yesterday, there’s no way you’re getting behind the wheel today.”

“What am I supposed to do all day?” Derek was nearly beside himself. He’d been trying to keep himself busy all morning and so far had failed.

“Honestly, I don’t know and I don’t care.” Tony paused beside the smaller of the two vans. It had been towed back to Snowed Inn that morning after the road had been cleared. “I’m not trying to be hard on you, I just don’t have time to argue with you about this.”

Derek let his arms fall to his sides and slumped his shoulders in defeat. He had barely managed to keep it together so far and he was worried that if he stopped to think he would fall apart. At this point, he didn’t care what it was he just needed something to do.

“Can I at least ride with you?” asked Derek seizing his last opportunity. “Maybe I can try to learn from your example. You know, figure out what I did wrong last night by watching you.”

Tony sighed and looked back at Derek with uncertainty on his face. Derek was sure he was going to be turned down.

“Fine,” Tony relented, “just don’t tell the doc. You’re supposed to be resting and she’ll give me an earful if she finds out about this.”

Derek exhaled in relief and smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I just need to get out of here.”

“Hurry up and get in then,” said Tony. He turned and opened the door to the van. “We’re already running late. The CDL driver still hasn’t arrived and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Derek jogged around the outside of the van and climbed into the passenger’s seat. As he buckled himself the memories of sliding across the icy road flashed through his head. It wasn’t something he cared to relive but, at this point, it was better than sitting around and facing slightly more recent problems.

It only took a few minutes for them to get underway. There were plenty of people waiting for a ride back down the mountain. Soon, they had a van full of passengers as they made their way down the switchbacks.

Unfortunately, Derek had forgotten that Tony wasn’t a very good conversationalist. As he peered out the window and watched the scenery roll by his thoughts inevitably drifted back to the previous night.

Or, more accurately, the early morning after.

He hadn’t meant to panic. In all honesty, he had intended to remain in Timothy’s condo. The only problem was, he regretted his own weakness.

He should never have given in. Sleeping with Timothy had been a mistake. Their friendship was too valuable to him and now he had put it in jeopardy. Throughout his many relationships there was one constant, they never lasted.

Once things got serious, Derek invariably fled. He always found some reason to end the relationship. There had been several times where he thought he was in love. The omega he had been with had meant a great deal to him. Yet, the relationship still fell apart.

He had been accused of deliberately sabotaging things. Maybe that was the case, but as far as Derek was concerned he had always had every intention of staying. It just never worked out that way. He wasn’t the sort of person that was cut out for long-term relationships.

Back in college, he had pursued Timothy because he was the only omega that refused him. Throughout that time their friendship had grown. Now, however, he had pursued Timothy because he truly wanted him. If things progressed from here how long would it be before this relationship too fell apart?

If Derek was being honest with himself, he truly felt something for Timothy. Feelings that weren’t just born out of lust.

But none of that mattered. He couldn’t allow this to continue. He didn’t trust himself not to ruin this and he cared too much about Timothy to risk it. His own feelings didn’t enter into it. This was for the best.

Unfortunately, that meant he couldn’t stay at Snowed Inn. If he remained the temptation would be too much. Just being around Timothy made him question his own motives.

A brief smile touched his lips as Derek recalled watching the omega sleep that morning. In those early hours, he could almost imagine a future where the two of them remained together. It was a delightful dream, nothing more.

They reached the drop-off point and Derek set to work helping Tony load up the passengers and their luggage. Only a short time later they were on the road again.

The sky was clear this morning. The snow had stopped falling sometime in the early morning and snowplows had been hard at work clearing the roads. Things were much different now in the light of day than they had been last night. Derek could almost forget about the near accident he’d experienced.

The rest of the morning was spent in introspection. Derek was mostly silent and the only time Tony spoke was to give directions when loading up passengers at either location.

When they finally stopped for lunch, Tony finally spoke up. “Care to share what’s on your mind? It’s been like driving around with a rain cloud all morning.”

They were sitting in the front seat of the van eating sandwiches while parked at the pick-up location.

“Not really,” said Derek. His appetite was mostly nonexistent but he forced himself to eat anyway. He’d never been one to let food go to waste.

“This is the last time I’m going to ask. So, if you want to get something off your chest, do it now.” Tony’s terse statement was somehow comforting.

In a way, Derek could almost convince himself that he didn’t have any choice but to speak.

“Have you ever been in love?” Derek wasn’t certain that was the best way to begin the conversation but he figured it was better than nothing.

“I thought I was, once. But that was a long time ago.” Tony looked thoughtful as he spoke.

Derek raised an eyebrow but didn’t immediately respond. As far as he was aware, Tony wasn’t that much older than Timothy. How long was a long time?

“Why?” Asked Tony looking over at him. “Are you trying to tell me you’re in love with my brother?”

Derek nearly choked on a bite of food. He quickly swallowed it down and met Tony’s gaze with exasperation in his eyes.

“Don’t act so surprised,” said Tony. “Peter mentioned that the two of you had a history. I saw you talking the other day and I saw you go over to his condo last night. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on.”

Derek took a deep breath. “The thing is, I don’t know.”

He knew it sounded pathetic. What kind of alpha didn’t know if he was in love? He’d always been told that people somehow “just knew” who they were meant to be with. Even Luke had said something similar in the past.

“You can’t overthink it,” Tony replied with a shrug. “Do you like him?”

“Yeah, of course, I do but it’s not that easy.” Derek shook his head. “There’ve been others in the past. Omegas that I thought I was in love with and in the end it always felt apart. Because of me.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” Tony was being awfully talkative today. He also seemed rather certain of his answer. “You only know what you know. You can’t know what they were thinking. Sometimes, you think everything’s going one way and the other person isn’t on the same page as you. That’s a recipe for disaster. In the end, you look back and you don’t know what went wrong. But if you stop and really think about it I’m pretty sure you’ll realize that it wasn’t all you.”

Derek fell silent as he listened to Tony. It had been easy to assume that he was the reason the relationships had failed. He hadn’t really been interested in a long-term relationship before. The one or two exceptions had been flukes.

Still, that solution was too simple. He was hesitant to accept it as truth.

“I’m not saying that’s the entire answer,” Tony quickly clarified. “I’m just saying that you’re taking too much credit for the failure of your relationships in the past. A relationship takes two people and if you thought everything was going well and it really wasn’t then maybe it was the other person who was having a hard time.”

Derek frowned. It wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility. His past boyfriends had been a varied lot and he rarely had much in common with them.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I value my friendship with Timothy. Pursuing a relationship with him puts that in jeopardy.” Derek looked out the window at the snow-covered parking lot.

“I think that ship has sailed.” Tony chuckled to himself before continuing. “I’m not saying you two were being loud last night but…” He let the sentence hang unfinished.

Derek’s cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. “You’re kidding, right? The walls aren’t that thin. Your condo is across the lawn. If you heard…”

“Oh my God, you should see your face right now. You’re so red.” Tony burst out laughing. “I was just guessing. Good to know I wasn’t that far off.”

“Is this what it’s like to have a little brother?” Derek groaned.

“Lighten up a little,” suggested Tony. He wadded up the empty wrapper for his sandwich. “Life’s too short to be so serious. If you like my brother that much you should probably tell him. What’s the worst that could happen? At this point, if you don’t talk to him again you’ve already lost your friendship.”

Derek took a deep breath and tried to focus his thoughts. He knew that Tony was probably right. Turning away and shutting Timothy out wasn’t the answer. It would only result in him losing the relationship forever. If he spoke with him then at least he stood a chance.

“Sure, the relationship might end,” continued Tony, “but, if it really means that much to you, don’t you think you should at least fight for it?”

***

The afternoon passed much as the morning had. Tony seemed to have fulfilled his speaking quota for the rest of the year and lapsed into silence. Derek was left alone with his thoughts mulling over their conversation as they drove back and forth between the Lodge and the town.

Finally, after staring at his phone for the better part of an hour, Derek worked up the courage to send a text.

“Hey, I’m sorry I wasn’t there this morning. I had a lot of crap going on in my head. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’d like to talk to you.” Derek reread the text three times before finally hitting send. He felt like he hadn’t said enough, but every attempt to add more turned into a rambling soliloquy that went on forever.

Better to keep it short. They could talk through the details later.

With the text out there in the open Derek’s nerves were on edge. His heart rate was elevated, his breath came in short bursts, and his palms felt sweaty. It was out of his control and the uncertainty was unbearable.

He tried to throw himself into his work doing everything he could to ensure the passengers had as smooth a ride as possible. But with how much downtime there was between the pick-up and drop-off points his thoughts had plenty of time to run wild.

When his phone finally chimed with an incoming text, his heart leaped into his throat. It was from Timothy.

“Sorry, I was washing dishes again. Didn’t mean to make you wait. You kind of pissed me off this morning…but I’m willing to hear you out.”