Theo was crying loudly. His sobs were interspersed with noisy, stuttering hiccups. This was the sound Anna opened her eyes to.

‘Are you still here?’ she croaked.

‘Yes, I’m not leaving you.’ He reached for her hand and kissed her fingers.

‘I can’t believe you’ve sat there all night. You should go home, get some sleep. They’ve run all the tests and I’m fine, Theo. I just fainted.’ She swallowed. She was thirsty.

‘You didn’t just faint – you were unconscious for... for... I don’t know, it seemed like bloody ages.’ Theo’s bottom lip trembled again. ‘And you heard what they said – you have an irregular heartbeat.’

‘Theo, millions of people have an irregular heartbeat and never even know about it. They only found it because they were looking, if you know what I mean.’ She smiled.

‘But they did find it and... and... I can’t help thinking that you fainted because you were stressed—’ A big sob cut him short. ‘Because... Because I upset you when we were talking about... babies, and if you hadn’t been so worked up... And if I’d been a bit more understanding...’ He raked his fingers through his hair and sniffed dejectedly. ‘It’s my fault.’

She shook her head against the pillow. ‘This isn’t your fault. I was feeling pants and then, sparko!’

‘I was so worried.’ He wiped his eyes. ‘I am still worried.’

‘Please don’t be, or I will be worrying about you worrying about me and that won’t do either of us any good.’ She raised a small smile, wishing the sick feeling in her stomach would pass and that the room would stop spinning.

‘We’re going to get you the best care, you can see any specialist – we’ll make you better.’

‘I don’t want a fuss and I don’t want to see a specialist. I am honestly fine.’

Theo leant in and rested his cheek on her arm, as close as he could get from his position in the chair next to her bed. His words were whispered, intended for her ears only. ‘I love you, Anna Montgomery. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I couldn’t bear to lose you. It’s you and me against the world, remember?’

‘Yep. You and me against the world.’ She felt a surge of love for her man.

‘I need you by my side, Anna. No one understands me like you do, no one loves me like you do. Without you, I’m not sure I could dodge the puddles of shit – I’d just drop straight in and never resurface.’

He closed his eyes, and she smiled, remembering how on their first date she’d summarised her life to that point: mostly good, happy but with the occasional need to dodge a puddle of shit.

‘I’m not going anywhere, Theo, I promise. Although in the seconds before I fainted, I had the weirdest thing...’ She paused and shut her eyes briefly, remembering the encounter.

‘What was it?’

‘I... I saw my mum!’

‘Your mum?’ She saw his face twitch in disbelief.

‘Yes! She was in the doorway of the kitchen and she was smiling at me.’ Anna felt the slip of tears along her right temple. ‘It was so lovely to see her, she looked beautiful and she looked happy and I showed her the garden. She always wanted a garden.’ She broke off, overcome by the emotion of it.

‘Oh, darling. Was it a dream?’

She nodded lightly. ‘Like a dream, but—’

‘But it’s upset you nonetheless. I understand.’

‘No, Theo, it hasn’t upset me. It was lovely, so, so lovely to see her face and hear her voice. She called me Anna Bee. I’d forgotten what she sounded like and there she was, it was so real...’

Theo grabbed her hand now and squeezed it tight, like he was willing himself to tell her something. She sighed, hoping they weren’t going to have to go over everything all over again. It was true, she didn’t feel that bad, and she wasn’t especially worried about having fainted, but she was still tired and she just wanted them to sit there together, quietly, peacefully. He squeezed her hand again and then a great rush of words came out of him. She had to put all her attention on him just to be sure she wasn’t getting the wrong end of the stick.

‘So, I’ve been thinking, Anna, I want to give you what you want, I will need your help, but we should go for it, we should have our baby. Our baby! I decided, last night when you were lying there on the floor, I decided that I’d been selfish and unfair and cowardly and that I couldn’t bear not to have you with me and so I made a promise to myself that—’

‘Oh, Theo! Really?’ She hoisted herself up in the bed and stared at him. ‘You mean it?’

‘I do.’ He smiled. ‘We can do it together, right?’

‘Yes! Yes, my darling, that’s right, we can do it together!’ She reached for him and snuggled into his arms, her brain galloping off at nineteen to the dozen. A baby, at last! She’d get Melissa to help with decorating the nursery, and she’d ask Lisa about baby gear, clothes and everything. She couldn’t wait to tell Jordan – a godfather, finally! She giggled, unable to contain the absolute joy that was bursting out of her. If fainting on the kitchen floor was what it had taken, then it was a price well worth paying.

She’d just started visualising different sorts of pushchairs when a familiar voice called from the doorway.

‘What’s going on here then?’

Anna looked over and was amazed to see Sylvie standing there in a stripey red tabard over her white cardigan and with her slippers firmly on her feet.

‘Sylvie! What are you doing here?’ Anna sat up slightly as Theo let her go, and rested on the pillows. ‘It’s so lovely to see you!’

‘I bumped into that gobby friend of yours—’

‘That’ll be me!’ Melissa shouted from behind Sylvie.

‘Yeah...’ Sylvie gestured behind her head with her thumb. ‘Her, and she said she’d had a message from his lordship.’ She now pointed at Theo.

‘Hi, I’m Theo.’ He stood, polite as ever, and walked over to shake her hand.

Anna felt the smallest flash of unease as her husband met the woman who had nearly become her mother-in-law. But Sylvie’s reaction soon put paid to that.

‘I know who you are. Hello, darlin’.’ She hugged Theo to her. ‘Anyway, she’d just got the message saying you’d been taken poorly and she was on her way here and I said I’d come too. I gave Nitz the keys so Cheryl could let the kids in from school. I usually give them their lunch on a Wednesday, and I’d already got the fish fingers out of the freezer. Anyway, here I am.’

Anna looked at Theo, his expression one of confusion, as if Sylvie was speaking another language.

‘Would you like to sit down?’ He offered her his seat, which she took.

‘You sound like a newsreader. Very nice.’ Sylvie winked at Anna.

‘Thank you. I think.’ Theo looked at Melissa and Anna watched the two of them exchange a smile.

‘It’s lovely of you to come, but I’m fine, honestly. I didn’t want to worry anyone.’ She had to admit it felt good to know she was this loved, that people were bothering about her.

‘Theo said it was your heart?’ Melissa looked at her friend with tears in her eyes.

‘Don’t cry, Melissa. He’s just panicking. I’m fine.’

‘You’d better stop saying you’re fine or they’ll have you out of this bed!’ Sylvie huffed. ‘I know what they’re like in here. If I were you, I’d shut up and milk it. I wouldn’t need asking twice if someone told me to lie down in clean sheets while they brought me tea.’

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ Theo offered.

‘Oh lovely, darlin’, yes, white none. He’s a good boy.’ She voiced her approval and Anna beamed.

Yes, he is – and he’s going to be a good, good dad!

‘Right. White none coming up.’ He caught Anna’s eye before creeping from the room.

‘You can’t go around scaring us like that, honey.’ Melissa stood at the end of the bed and squeezed her friend’s toes inside the blanket. ‘Theo sounded beside himself. How are you feeling really? Speak quickly before Mr Panic Pants comes back in.’

Anna shook her head. ‘Genuinely okay! Just a bit out of sorts – dizzy, sick, and I don’t know... exhausted.’

‘Ever been bitten by a tick?’ Sylvie asked, folding her arms under her bosom and crossing her slippered feet under the chair.

‘A tick?’

‘Yep.’ Sylvie reached for an embroidered handkerchief stowed up her sleeve and blew her nose. ‘Our Colin’s Susan went out with a fella from the Lake District – bit of a hiker, bit of a dickhead, actually, but that’s by the bye – anyways, he had all your symptoms and turned out he’d been bitten by a tick, had that lemon thing.’

‘Lemon thing?’ Melissa stared at Sylvie quizzically.

‘Yes!’ Sylvie nodded emphatically. ‘A proper disease with all the symptoms the girl’s mentioning.’ She pointed at Anna lest there be any doubt as to the girl in question.

Melissa looked at Anna and when she was confident Sylvie wasn’t looking she twirled her finger at her temple.

‘I don’t think I’ve been bitten by a tick – would I know?’ Anna smiled, enjoying the company of two of her favourite people in the world, even if it was in a hospital ward and she was feeling off colour.

‘Here we go.’ Theo walked in and handed Sylvie a Styrofoam cup of tea.

‘You are a poppet.’ Sylvie took a sip. ‘Here you go, you sit down, Melanie, I want to look out of the window.’

Melissa didn’t correct Sylvie but sat in the chair and took her friend’s hand. ‘You have to take good care of you.’

‘That’s what I’ve been telling her,’ Theo echoed.

‘Ooh, I can see Hammersmith Bridge from here!’ Sylvie called excitedly as she stood on tiptoes and peered through the blinds.

‘Oh, dar-ling! I got here as soon as I could!’ Everyone in the room turned to see Stella, who swept in with her hair just so, lipstick immaculate and her pearls resting on a navy cashmere twinset.

Anna looked at Theo, wondering if there was anyone he hadn’t contacted.

‘Not lemons! Limes! What am I like?’ Sylvie suddenly screeched. ‘It’s limes disease, or something like that! Lemons, limes, same bloody thing, just a different colour.’

‘You have Lyme disease?’ Stella placed a hand at her chest, clearly alarmed at the possibility of catching something from her daughter-in-law. She arched a disapproving eyebrow at Sylvie.

‘No, no!’ Theo addressed his mother. ‘She hasn’t got a disease, she just fainted and I’ve been organising tea.’

‘Ah!’ Stella nodded and smiled knowingly. ‘Well, that explains a lot.’ She looked at Sylvie and spoke slowly, over-enunciating for good measure. ‘I’ll have a cup of Earl Grey if you have one, or anything herbal – mint or camomile would be fine. No milk.’

They all looked to Sylvie, waiting for her response at having been mistaken for the charlady.

‘You want a cup of tea?’ Sylvie asked.

‘Yes. Yes, please. Earl Grey,’ Stella repeated, shaking her wrap from her shoulders and folding it with her manicured hands.

‘If you want a cup of tea, Princess Margaret, you can get it your bleedin’ self!’

*

A couple of hours later, Anna and Theo were enjoying the peace and quiet. All visitors had left and it was just the two of them in the room, holding hands.

‘I shan’t ever forget the look on your mother’s face when Sylvie called her Princess Margaret.’ Anna gave a small, quiet chuckle despite her fatigue.

‘I think what most offended Mum was that she has met Princess Margaret quite a few times and she’s at least a decade younger.’

Anna smiled and yawned.

‘You’re tired, go to sleep and I’ll sit here and guard you. As soon as the doctor comes to say we can go, I’ll wake you, I promise.’

Anna closed her eyes and tried desperately to summon her mum, who now loomed large in her mind. Small details of her had faded over the years, but now she was once again able to recall the exact shape of her mouth, the particular way her hair fell over her face. It was so exciting to have this whole new way to remember her. Mum, she whispered to her in her head, you’re going to be a grandmother! Soon! Very soon!

She heard the creak to the door and opened her eyes. It was the consultant, a smiling, curt, officious man in his mid sixties.

‘How are we feeling?’ he asked as he looked at her notes, held fast by a bulldog clip at the top of his clipboard.

‘Okay. Ready to go home.’

‘Good. Good.’ He flipped the pages and held the clipboard behind his back. ‘We have all your test results.’

‘Right.’ Theo sat forward in the chair and gripped her hand.

‘As we discussed earlier, your heart is nothing to worry about at this stage, but with your family history we will keep an eye on it.’

‘Thank you.’ She squeezed Theo’s hand. See, nothing to worry about.

‘There was something else, however.’ He paused. ‘I know you mentioned irregular periods.’

‘Yes. I’ve been a bit stressed and I know that can affect them.’ She nodded.

‘It’s a bit more than that, I’m afraid.’

Theo’s head shot up, and Anna held her breath.

‘We ran some blood tests and your hormones are drastically out of balance. It would seem that you are in the middle of early menopause.’

Anna slowly let go of Theo’s hand and sat up in the bed. ‘What does that mean?’ she whispered.

I know what it means! But I need you to say it! Because I might be dreaming again. Please, God, say I am dreaming again, this can’t be happening to me, it can’t!

‘It means, Anna, that your fertility is coming to an end. Your menstrual cycle is slowing, hence the irregularity of your periods and, along with other symptoms, your fatigue, disturbed sleep, mood swings.’

Theo looked at her. These symptoms sounded familiar to both of them.

‘I’m getting older on the inside quicker than I am on the outside,’ she whispered as her heart thumped in her chest.

‘You are far from old, Anna. Plenty of women go through this at a young age and we don’t fully know why. Early menopause can just happen. At thirty it’s unfortunate but not so out of the ordinary.’

But why has it happened to me?

‘So it means no more periods?’ Theo said, looking stunned but trying to find the silver lining.

‘No more periods,’ she whispered. ‘No baby.’ Too late. She hadn’t realised she was crying, but fat tears were clogging her nose and throat and making speech painful. ‘Oh, Theo! No... no... baby. Not now. Not ever. Not... with you. Not with anyone.’ She sobbed into her sleeve.

The doctor tapped the end of the bed. ‘I am very sorry. I shall leave you to gather your things.’ He turned and walked briskly from the room.

Theo reached out and took her hand into his. She wanted to pull it away, wanted to retreat, but at the same time she welcomed the skin-to-skin contact. She left her hand where it was.

‘Oh, Anna!’

She took a huge breath, forced a slanted smile and wiped away her tears. ‘I’m trying to keep it together, Theo, I really am. Because if I give in to all this, I just might crack. I am hurt and sad and scared and furious.’ She paused. ‘I feel destroyed,’ she murmured. ‘That’s exactly it. I feel completely destroyed.’ Her small voice wavered.

‘I can... I can only imagine what you’re feeling,’ he stuttered. ‘We will get through this together. Okay?’ He reached round and slid his arm across her back, planting a kiss on her scalp.

Anna grabbed at his shirtfront as a loud, loud sob left her throat, and then her sadness boiled over into rage and she screamed, ‘No, Theo! Please, no! It’s all I ever wanted!’ She cried noisily, messily, clinging onto him for dear life. ‘I wanted my babies. That is all I have ever wanted! Please, Theo. Oh God! Please, no!’

He wrapped her in his arms and rocked her gently until finally her crying ceased and she felt able to pack up to go home.

He left the room briefly and slowly, wretchedly, she climbed into her pants and jeans, tied up her trainers and slipped her jersey over her head. She slumped back down onto the bed.

Why me? Why? It was all I wanted...

‘How are you doing?’ Theo whispered when he came back in.

Anna shrugged and bit her lip.

He took up the seat by her bedside and again reached for her hand. ‘I meant what I said earlier about making a pact when you were on the kitchen floor, when I thought...’ He gulped. ‘When I thought I might lose you.’

She turned her head towards him.

‘I meant every word – that we should have a baby, that I will be a dad for you, with you.’

Her tears fell quickly and her voice when it came was barely more than a whisper. ‘Bit late now,’ she managed, disliking the flare of anger she felt towards this man who had left it too long. Too late.

‘No, my darling! There will be a way. We’ll find a way. We could... We could adopt! We could become parents that way – we could do it, we could!’ He gripped her, clearly pleased that this might be something they could focus on. ‘You know more than most how every kid needs a home. We might not be able to... to have a child, but we can help one. Give one a happy home, just like you’ve always wanted. We can teach it like your mum taught you – how to be strong, how to survive!’

‘Or two.’ Anna managed a small smile. Through her tears, through the intense pain that was tearing at her heart, she could just about hold on to what Theo was saying. He was right, they could save a child, or two. ‘Two kids.’

‘Yes, my Anna. Or two.’ He placed his head on the side of the bed.

She watched his mouth move, as if offering up a silent prayer.

*

Theo went to fetch the car and left her in the hospital waiting room. She barely noticed the comings and goings in and out of the glass doors. Her eyes felt swollen and her body empty, numb. How could this happen to her?

Fifi and Fox, I can hardly bear to think of you, lost for ever somewhere...

‘Anna?’

She looked up at the sound of her name and stared at the woman in front of her.

‘Anna? It’s me!’

It took a second or two for her to recognise the face – older, slimmer, and with new piercings in the nose and eyebrow, but still unmistakeably the face of her old roommate and friend. Shania! It was a shock from the last time she had seen her, a welcome, wonderful shock!

‘Oh! Oh, Shania!’ Anna stood and wrapped her arms around her friend. There was no one else in the world she wanted to see more – well, no one living.

Shania buried her face in her shoulder and there they stood in the busy foyer, each taking joy from the presence of the other. Eventually they pulled apart.

‘Look at you!’ Shania ran her fingers through Anna’s hair. ‘You are all grown up.’

‘Not really.’ She smiled at the girl she had missed. ‘And look at you! You look really well.’ She chose not to mention their last encounter, knowing that Shania would most likely not remember it, or at least not want to remember it. ‘What are you doing here?’

Shania pointed downwards and Anna noticed the unmistakeable swell of a pregnancy bump. ‘Early days, but here we are!’

‘Oh God! That is...’ Anna swallowed her tears. ‘That is amazing! You look so well, you clever old thing.’ She detested the musket ball of envy that stuck in her throat, knowing it came from a place beyond her control and not wishing her friend anything but good.

‘Less of the old, if you don’t mind.’ Shania chuckled. ‘What about you, what are you here for? Are you sick? You look like shit,’ she said with typical candour and a flash of protective concern that Anna remembered from Mead House.

‘No, I’m not sick. Just... just going home actually, been having a few tests.’ She suppressed the howl that built in her chest, not wanting to do anything to detract from her friend’s wonderful, joyous news.

‘I can’t believe it! My old mate, Anna with the core of steel!’

Not really, Shania. I’m already broken. I’m dust.

‘So how can I get hold of you?’ Shania asked eagerly. ‘I’ve got to go in.’ She pointed along the corridor. ‘Plus we have way more to catch up on than we can do in a few minutes here.’

Anna opened her handbag and pulled out one of the fancy cards that Theo had had printed with their home address and number; for the second time, she gave her number to her friend. ‘Here, call me here, anytime, please. I would dearly love to see you.’ Anna held her close once more.

‘I will. I promise.’ Shania planted a kiss on her cheek. ‘It’s good to see you, doll.’

‘It’s good to see you too.’

Anna watched her friend walk away into the bowels of the hospital, waving until she was out of sight. Theo beeped and she looked out, making her way into the fresh air, her vision clouded by tears and her heart fit to burst.

‘It’s okay. In you get, my love.’ Theo opened the passenger door and helped her slide onto the leather upholstery of his luxury car.

As he nipped round to the driver’s side, Anna pulled down the sun visor and spoke to the little mirror and the face that stared back at her. ‘I don’t think it is okay. I don’t think anything will ever be okay again.’ She sniffed as Theo climbed back in and revved the engine. ‘Did... Did you mean what you said about adoption?’ She hardly dared ask.

‘I did.’ He looked at her earnestly. ‘I really did.’