‘Everyone!’

Anna looked up from the table where she sat tapping the biro against her teeth, trying to remember how to work out the long-division problem in front of her. It was an issue. When she was in the classroom she understood everything that her patient maths teacher, Mrs Brownlee, explained, but once she was back at Mead House and trying to do her homework, her mind went blank. The constant background chatter of the care-home recreation room made it hard to concentrate. And her thoughts often wandered, filling her head with images of her mum trying to teach her her times tables all those years ago. ‘Concentrate, Anna Bee! Come on! Repeat after me: one times seven is seven, two times seven is...’ As a consequence, something that had seemed pretty simple only hours earlier, under the beady eye of Mrs Brownlee, now left her feeling completely flummoxed. The mustering call from Junior, one of the care-home workers, was therefore a welcome distraction.

Anna glanced up and stared at the girl standing next to Junior. She was new, and she looked angry. She had rage in her eyes and a restlessness to her stance. Her fingers danced on wide thighs wrapped in faded spray-on jeans. She kept looking towards the exit, as if trying to work out how to escape.

Anna remembered being in the same position a year and a half ago, newly arrived at Mead House and very frightened. But Anna hadn’t been angry like this girl – she’d been quietly resigned, almost indifferent by that point, scarred by her aunt’s rejection of her and embarrassed, if not wholly surprised, that she hadn’t managed a single night as a runaway. When she was eventually brought to Mead House she’d understood that her fate was sealed and that this was where she would stay until she turned eighteen – in care, in Leytonstone, east London.

Some of the detail around that time was a little sketchy, but she remembered being driven to a police station, remembered feeling furious with Aunt Lizzie for having reported her missing and furious with Ruby for having scuppered her plans to break free. But now that she was older and more streetwise she could see that Ruby had acted with love. She’d been right, Waterloo station was no place for her. Ruby had saved her, really, and Anna wanted to thank her and tell her that she was sorry she hadn’t waved back. She kept an eye out for Ruby whenever she was up town, lovely Ruby Red Shoes, but she hadn’t found her yet.

Social services had picked her up from the police station and the next day Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Alan came down to London and they all sat in a meeting somewhere in Marylebone. Her aunt could barely look at her and her mouth was pursed so tight it was no more than a dot. Anna remembered how horrible it had felt that these people, however well-meaning, were the people making decisions about her life. Her life! People who didn’t know her, didn’t know her mum or Joe, didn’t know the first thing about her. She’d felt like a passenger, with no say over what happened next. I was carried along like sticks on a river. And it felt horrible.

It was agreed that allowing her to stay in London, her home city, was in her best interests. That was at least something, Anna had to admit. The simple truth was that her aunt didn’t want her because she didn’t like her and that was that. The only one who cared was Jordan. He’d phoned his mum and had insisted on talking to Anna, sobbing snottily and theatrically down the line. ‘Anna!’ he’d sniffed. ‘No, Anna! Please come home!’

‘I can’t, Jord. I just can’t, but I will miss you.’

‘I will miss you too. You have to write to me, okay?’

‘Okay.’

She said a stilted goodbye to her aunt, holding herself stiffly inside the insipid hug she offered. Uncle Alan avoided eye contact and patted his ruddy cheeks with his white cotton handkerchief, looking flustered. For Anna this was worse than if he’d remained impassive – did he really have nothing to say? At least Jordan had tried.

‘Try and look at this as an opportunity, Anna,’ her aunt said as they stood beside the shiny blue car in the car park. ‘I think it’s best for everyone that we set you on the right path now. It would be harder for you to come home with us and get really attached. I tried, Lord knows I did, but to have you run away was really the last straw. I was beside myself.’

There was a quiver to her aunt’s chin, but Anna had noted the lightness to her step and wasn’t about to credit her with any genuine change of heart. She stared at her, speechless, counting the seconds till she would be out of her life for ever.

‘Everyone!’ Junior shouted his call to attention this time, snapping Anna’s attention back to the present. His deep, booming, South African baritone had the desired effect. The younger kids stopped chasing each other around the sofas and one of the older boys even looked up from the TV screen. ‘Can I grab your attention for a moment?’ he asked, letting his gaze sweep the room until all eyes were on the girl.

‘This is Shania.’

‘Sha-neye-aar!’ One of the younger boys repeated her name with a feminine lilt, which made his mates laugh, as he’d intended.

Anna saw the flare of Shania’s nostrils and watched her fingers form tightly balled fists. Her fury, she could see, was ready to surface at the slightest provocation.

‘I want you to all please make Shania welcome and show her what a lovely bunch you are.’ Junior smiled. ‘Anna, Shania will be sharing with you. Her stuff’s being taken up now.’

‘I don’t want to share with her!’ Shania growled. ‘I need my own room!’

Anna cocked her head in confusion. She’d assumed that the girl, who looked to be a couple of years younger than her, about fourteen, would be grateful to have her as a roommate. She kept her space tidy and was known for being quiet and without too many unattractive habits. She had assumed – wrongly, as it turned out – that it would be her prerogative to feel put out at having to share her room with this feisty newcomer.

‘I’ve already told you that’s not possible, Shania, but you will have your own space and Anna will, I’m sure, be the very best roomie. Anna?’

‘Yes?’ She was aware she’d been staring.

‘Would you please take Shania upstairs, show her where she’ll be sleeping and sort out some drawer space?’

She noted Junior’s subtle wink, an attempt to get her on side, she suspected, and show her that he considered her ready to take this responsibility. He needn’t have worried. She was happy to show the girl upstairs, and she felt for her. Being the centre of attention and being talked about had probably made Shania feel even more uncomfortable. She closed her maths book and gathered her things under her arm.

Shania followed her up the stairs, stomping her feet angrily. She didn’t respond to the smile Anna cast over her shoulder at the bend in the stairs. This didn’t bode well.

Anna pushed open the door to her room – their room. ‘This is your bed.’ She let her hand trail in the direction of the second bed, only six feet away from hers. It had been freshly made and the books and clothes that she usually stored on the mattress had been cleared away.

‘Just so you know, I’m not staying here.’ Shania sat down hard on the bed with her arms folded across her chest. ‘So don’t bother!’

‘Okay.’ Anna sat on her own bed. She instinctively understood that it wasn’t worth challenging Shania.

‘My mum’s coming to get me. Or my dad,’ Shania added, with little conviction. ‘In fact, if my dad finds out I’m here, he’ll go mental! He’ll come and get me, and it will all kick off, and my mum better fucking hide then.’ Shania ground her teeth, her breath coming in quick bursts.

Anna stared at the heave of her roommate’s wide back, watching as she tried to contain all the emotion that threatened to overflow. She knew how that felt, like all the stuff inside you only just fitted and if you weren’t careful your actual self might shatter and everything would come spilling out. And if that happened, it would be very, very hard, if not impossible, to put yourself back together.

‘Well...’ Anna took a breath. ‘Until your mum or dad comes to get you, you can have the top two drawers of the chest.’ She pointed at the unit against the far wall. ‘And half the wardrobe. There are spare hangers. I don’t have that many clothes. And you can use my lamp if you like.’ She ran her fingers under the delicate loop-fringing that edged the brown velvet pleats of her bedside lamp. She liked the way it tickled her fingertips.

‘I told you...’ Shania turned and looked at Anna with her eyes blazing. ‘I’m not staying here!’

Anna nodded and sat back against her pillows. She felt unable to leave the room, held hostage by the girl’s distress, desperate for the tension to ease. ‘Don’t cry, Shania. It’ll be okay.’ She whispered the mantra that had got her through many a lonely hour.

‘Shut the fuck up! I am not crying!’ Shania yelled.

It was a full ten minutes later that Shania too sat back on the mattress, her head resting on the padded headboard. She looked round at the room. ‘I know it will be okay, but you don’t know what I’ve been through!’ she almost shouted. ‘Things have been shit! My mum’s got a new bloke who is a bastard, and my dad...’

She paused, angry and embarrassed at the tears that spilled down her round cheeks. ‘My dad’s in the nick, but he didn’t do anything wrong!’ She was emphatic, despite not being able to look Anna in the eye. ‘It’s just a mix-up and when it gets sorted he’ll come here straightaway and get me out and he will kick off big time, I’m telling you! And my mum’s boyfriend and his shitty daughter better watch out then. So you might think your mum and dad are cool, but I’m telling you, my mum and dad are way cooler. They are brilliant. They are totally brilliant. They love me and we always do loads of good stuff together. And they buy me whatever I want. I don’t even have to ask, they just turn up with clothes and presents for me all the time!’ Shania turned onto her side and did her best to make her crying silent.

‘That sounds nice.’

‘It is nice!’ Shania yelled.

‘You don’t have to keep shouting at me, Shania. I haven’t done anything wrong. I have given you half of the wardrobe and the two biggest drawers and I said you can use my lamp and it’s my lamp. It wasn’t here when I arrived. I got it from the market.’

Shania spun around and looked at her. Anna saw her shoulders relax and her face soften a little, glad that her kindness had had the desired effect.

‘I want my mum and dad to come and get me.’ Her tone had lost its aggression now. She sounded younger and she sounded scared. ‘I want her bloke to move out of our house. I want to go home. I want to belong somewhere or to someone.’

‘I know. And I’m sure they will come and get you when they can. You probably won’t be here for very long.’ Anna tried out a smile.

Shania nodded, but her sigh told Anna it was more in hope than agreement. ‘How long have you been here?’ she asked, wide-eyed.

‘Erm...’ Anna looked up towards the corner of the room as if that was where a calendar hung. ‘Nearly two years.’

‘There’s no way I could stay for that long. It’s total shit here!’ And just like that, Shania was back in angry mode.

‘It’s not that bad really.’ Anna tried to control the tremor to her voice, blotting out the image of the blue towel with an indent in it, folded and placed underneath the sink on the bathroom floor.

‘I don’t care what you say, this could be a palace or a mansion, but I’d still rather live with my dad! Or my mum if that shithead moved out. Wouldn’t you?’

‘I’ve never met my dad. He drives a black cab, but I don’t know much about him. Except that he can curl his tongue like this.’ She gave Shania a demo and the girl almost smiled.

‘You are fucking weird.’

‘I know.’ Anna smiled at her.

‘That’s shit you don’t know anything about your dad,’ Shania offered with a flicker of empathy.

‘I know,’ Anna repeated. ‘And my mum is dead. And my brother is dead too. So there’s only me left. No one to ask about anything.’

‘What would you like to ask them?’ This had apparently caught Shania’s interest.

‘Erm...’ It was Anna’s turn to hesitate. She laughed. ‘God, there’s so much and now I can’t think of a single thing!’ What was my dad’s surname? Did I ever meet my grandparents? Do you know how much I love you, Mum?

Shania stared at her, waiting.

‘Okay, so if I could ask one question...’ Anna thought for a few moments. ‘I’d like to know what my first word was!’

There was a beat of silence. Anna could see Shania digesting this information.

‘Why does it matter what your first word on earth was? Surely it’s your last word that’s more important?’

Anna looked at Shania and smiled at her wisdom. ‘You know what, Shania, you’re right! I’d never thought about it. I might not know how I began, but I can shape how I finish. Is that what you’re saying?’

‘Kinda.’ She shrugged.

‘I miss my family. I miss them every day. My mum used to make me feel better just by being around. She knew how to take away my worries and she knew what I was thinking without me saying anything. And not having her here is really tough. I know what you’re going through right now, but at least you can see them.’ Anna offered this as some sort of balm.

Shania seemed to consider this. ‘The fact that you can’t see yours is really shit,’ she whispered.

‘Yep. It is.’ Anna looked down and picked at a loose thread on the duvet cover. All the bedding at Mead House was the same standard-issue linen, doled out from the communal pile. Nothing was yours at Mead House, everything belonged to the care home. You just used it while you were there, while you were passing through.

‘I think you’re lucky.’

Anna thought she might have misheard. ‘Lucky?’

‘Yes.’ Shania nodded.

Anna swivelled round to face her.

‘The way you talk about your mum, she sounds brilliant.’

‘She was.’

‘And she died. She didn’t want to leave you and you didn’t want to leave her.’

‘No.’ Anna’s fingers moved to her chest, where the pain was most intense.

‘But my mum...’ Shania drew breath, her words delivered slowly. ‘She only lives three miles from here. And my dad’s a twenty-minute drive into Essex when he’s out. So close really, but... they just don’t want to see me. They didn’t die, they just gave up on me. Changed their minds.’

Anna knew better than to rebuff this with platitudes. Shania was too savvy for that. Instead she let her talk, guessing that she didn’t confide this sort of thing in many people.

‘They split up when my dad went inside. I couldn’t believe it when my mum let her dickhead boyfriend and his daughter move in. It was like she didn’t miss him at all and I was gutted. She made a new family and it seemed to happen really quickly.’ Shania scratched at a mark on her jeans. ‘And I suppose I’m a reminder of him. I get sent back and forth between my mum’s house and my nan’s. I sleep on the floor of my cousin’s room at my nan’s, and at my mum’s I sleep on the sofa cos the dickhead’s little girl has got my old room. I am like this big bright piece of a jigsaw that doesn’t fit anywhere in the picture, so that’s why I’m here. She told me it would only be for a little bit, but I don’t believe her!’ She punched her thigh in frustration.

‘That’s really shit.’

‘I know,’ Shania mumbled, falling back on the mattress.

Anna turned on her side, and both girls lay this way, in silence, looking at the Artex swirls of their shared ceiling, lost in their own shit stories, until they were called down for their tea.

* * *

The two girls gelled. Anna quickly warmed to her roommate, who was a lot funnier and kinder than she liked to let on. Despite the fact she was incredibly messy and very loud, Shania made her feel a bit less lonely. They had heartfelt conversations in the dark and during the day would do each other’s hair and make-up, dancing to Radio 1 and going to jumble sales on Saturday afternoons. Shania wasn’t the touchy-feely type, but it was obvious to everyone at Mead House that she looked up to Anna.

Now however, on her eighteenth birthday, it was time for Anna to move on. Tomorrow she’d be leaving Mead House and setting out on her own. There was to be cake and a little speech from Junior downstairs in the recreation room at five o’clock, but before that all she really wanted to do was sit quietly in her room and have a bit of time to herself. She sat on her bed and got out her pen and writing paper.

Hello Fifi! Hello Fox!

Well, just so you know, writing to you makes me smile. Every time I finish a note and place it in my expanding wallet file, I am most impressed by my dedication. Looking back at the letters I’ve been writing to you since I was six, I can see that my spelling and writing in some of them was really poor, but the pictures I did are pretty cute! The one of me sitting in a crane is my favourite – I’ve no idea what I was thinking, but maybe I wanted to be a crane driver when I was seven?

I wonder if you’ll ever get to read these? And whether you’ll think it’s lovely or just creepy that I was only a tiny girl myself when I started to think about the family I wanted to have one day. Obviously I had no idea then that I’d lose my own family so soon, but having you as my future family has really helped, in a funny way.

I love that I was with my own mum when I started writing you letters, and I love that she adored your names as soon as I told her! I so wish I had a treasure trove of letters from my mum! Oh my God, that would be incredible! And from my brother, too, though he was a bit of a hopeless letter writer, so...

I do miss him. I miss him every single day. It makes me so sad to think of the waste of Joe. I am getting close now to the age he reached and that’s weird because he was my big brother and yet in a few years I’ll be older than him. He will always be twenty-two, but he won’t be my big brother any more. He would have been a wonderful uncle, and I am sure a wonderful dad too, if he’d given himself the chance.

Oh dear, I’m crying now. There’s been a lot of tears recently. I am leaving Mead House tomorrow, and while I am excited, it feels scary leaving behind what has been my home and my family for nearly four years. Not that care can ever be a substitute for proper family life, not really. I still wonder how my mum’s sister could have pushed me away so easily – I could never allow any child I knew to be put into care, not without a fight, but that’s for her conscience to wrestle with.

Anyway, there’s going to be lots of adventures ahead, I hope. And I especially hope that they’re going to include a husband and you two little ones! To get to hold you will be my greatest moment!

Signing off, my little Fifi and Fox.

I wonder why I always say Fifi and Fox and never Fox and Fifi? I guess because it’s the way I’ve always said it.

Anyway, really going now.

Anna (your future mum!)

I think if anyone ever found these letters, they would think I was totally nuts! X

Anna knew her eighteenth birthday would be a big deal, but she was still a little overawed when Junior made his grand entrance into the recreation room.

‘Okay, okay! Quiet, everyone!’ He glanced round, taking in the kids lounging on the sofas and the others lying on their tummies on the rug, chins in palms, watching TV.

Anna settled back in her chair as they all made their way over to the scruffy table in the middle of the rec room. It was dappled with dots of stubborn plasticine in a rainbow of colours and doodles from a thousand biros and felt-tipped pens. That not one of the sixteen kids needed to be asked twice was testament to Anna’s popularity at Mead House. Everyone knew what was coming next, but even though there was a general rolling of eyes and the odd sigh at the predictability, there was still a buzz of excitement at the diversion. And why wouldn’t there be, at the prospect of chocolate cake?

Someone flicked the wall switch and the overhead striplight went out, plunging them into semi-darkness. One or two of the younger kids gave a mock scream.

‘Haa-ppy birthday to you!’ Junior began singing, holding out the rectangular chocolate tray bakes that he was balancing in each hand.

The kids joined in, some of them more tunefully than others. Anna didn’t care how good their singing was, it just felt lovely to see the younger kids so excited. It was never going to be the same as having a birthday with their mum or dad, but at least it was something. She remembered the way her mum used rush into her bedroom with a whoop of joy. ‘It’s your birthday, Anna Bee! Wake up! Wake up, my baby girl!’ And she’d flop down and wrap her in an enormous hug, trapping her inside the duvet and smothering her face with kisses. Anna always woke up way before her mum’s arrival, but she always played along, pretending to be asleep, knowing this was part of the fun.

Today, as on every birthday, Anna thought of her dad, now the only person on the planet other than her cousin Jordan who might have some interest in this milestone day. But of course he might not. She didn’t know how much he knew about her. It was a continual frustration that there was no one she could ask.

She hadn’t given up on her quest to find him, despite the abortive attempt at Waterloo station. Quite the opposite, in fact. Her longing for him coloured everything. She was certain her life would be better with her dad in it. If her mum had loved him, then she knew she would too. She just needed to track him down. So she’d come up with a careful strategy, which she deployed at least twice a week, often dragging a reluctant Shania along to assist.

She would wait at any busy junction, or wherever she saw a convenient stopping point, and hail a cab. If, as it got closer, the driver was revealed to be a woman, she would simply step back and wave it on, much to the driver’s annoyance, and the same if he was not the dark-haired, white-skinned man of her imagination. If, however, he did look right, she’d wait for him to wind down the window and ask ‘Where to?’ and then she’d reply with ‘What’s your name?’ Some answered, and one or two were even called Mick or Michael, but they weren’t him. Others told her to ‘Clear off! Bloody idiot!’ and one even threatened to call the police for wasting the time of a working man. She wasn’t sure this was actually a crime, but it had the desired effect and she laid off her search for a few weeks.

‘Happy birthday, dear An-nnaaaa!’ The song reached its crescendo with some of the kids going for a falsetto finale for comic effect. ‘Happy birthday to yooooo!’

She bent forward over the large square table. Taking a deep breath, she held her hair flat on both sides and moved her head from left to right, blowing out the candles.

‘Make a wish!’ came shouts from the floor. ‘Make a wish!’

Anna closed her eyes and thought hard. Should she wish for a wad of cash, a new suitcase? No. I wish... I wish... my dad would come and find me.

The light was flicked back on and the two chocolate cakes were divided up, overseen by a couple of the girls, who monitored the cutting to make sure everyone had an equal-sized piece. For kids for whom life had been anything but orderly and fair, these small things felt important. They were important.

Junior raised his slice of cake, nestling in a paper napkin in his palm. ‘Happy eighteenth birthday, Anna! I can’t believe how fast time flies, it feels like only weeks ago that you arrived on our doorstep, looking a little lost, a little afraid.’

She stared into her lap. I wasn’t a little lost, a little afraid – I was completely lost and absolutely petrified.

She blinked now, sitting at the table in the recreation room on this her last night at Mead House, trying to quiet her thoughts, concentrating again on Junior’s words.

‘And yet here you are, nearly four years later, Anna, and you’re about to leave us and go out into the big, wide world.’ He nodded at her. ‘You have always set yourself apart by your hard work. The way you study and apply yourself is inspirational, and yes...’ He raised his free hand. ‘I know this is not the time or place for us to reopen the great university debate – you have made your decision and I respect it. Reluctantly!’ He gave a small laugh.

She smiled at him. Her mind was indeed set; she was certain that the single most important thing she could do was to find a job, earn some money, secure a roof over her head and grow from there. It was all about self-reliance. The last few years had taught her that it was vital that she never be in a position where she had no home and no income. University, no matter how attractive a proposition, would only delay putting this safety net in place. University was for other people, not girls like her.

Junior’s tone was now sincere. ‘We shall all miss you.’

Anna looked at the nodding heads of the other kids around the table. She saw them – and herself – as being like the dented tins left last on the shelf, the ones no one really wanted because they didn’t know or care what wonderful things might be contained within.

‘But it’s important you know that we are here if you need us. And please come back for tea – I promise your name won’t be on the rota for dishes.’

Everyone laughed.

‘Thank you, Junior. For my cake. For everything. I shall miss you all too.’ She crumpled the napkin in her palm.

‘As ever, a girl of few words.’ He smiled at her.

Quiet with a busy head...

‘A woman of few words now, if you don’t mind!’ Shania, her friend and roommate, shouted.

‘Yes, good point. Here’s to Anna!’ Junior raised his cake slice as a toast.

‘To Anna!’

‘Anna!’

‘Anna!’

The other kids, her family for the last few years, followed suit, holding what was left of their cake and toasting her last day in care.

*

An hour later, Shania sat on her bed, watching Anna rummage through a rectangular plastic sandwich box. She pulled out several small earring studs and began trying to match them up into pairs, which she then laid on top of the notebook on her bedside table. They looked shiny and tempting as they sparkled in the lamplight.

‘Tell me again where it is you’re going?’ Shania asked, unable to disguise the huff to her voice.

‘A flat near the Barbican. It’s a flat share with a spare room, or rather it was a spare room, but now it’s my room.’

‘So who are you sharing with?’

‘I’m not exactly sure, but I’ve met one of the girls and she’s a nursing student. She seemed nice.’

‘Sounds boring.’ Shania picked at the pearlescent pink nail polish on her long fingernails. Then she bit at a loose end and began yanking the varnish off in thin strips with her teeth.

Anna smiled. ‘You think everything is boring.’

‘That’s because most things are boring.’

Anna laughed. ‘You can come and stay with me. Get a pass and I’ll be your guardian for the weekend.’

‘Ooh, you can buy me vodka!’ Shania perked up at this prospect. ‘You should definitely have a party!’

‘I hate parties.’

‘How would you know? You never go to any!’

‘Ha, ha!’ Anna finished sorting through her bric-a-brac jewellery. As well as the earrings there were a few strings of brightly coloured beads, a couple of narrow bangles and a large plastic daisy ring. Next she turned her attention to her clothes. A white melamine unit now sat between their beds. The top two drawers were hers and the bottom three Shania’s.

‘So tell me about the job.’

Anna’s face lit up. ‘I’ll be working for a company on Victoria Street that organises coach holidays. They drive all over the place – France, Spain, even up into the Alps. To start with I’ll just be stuffing brochures into envelopes, sticking labels on them and shoving them in the post. They send out hundreds and hundreds every week, apparently.’

‘Sounds—’

‘I know – boring!’ Anna cut in and they both laughed. ‘And you’re right, it probably will be to start with, but it’s what it can lead to that I’m interested in. Who knows, I might go and work in sales or another department.’

‘Jesus, Anna, you haven’t started the job yet and already you’re planning your promotion!’

She smiled at her friend’s exaggeration, carefully pulling the wonky drawer front and easing it along the runners, not wanting to have to fix it again, before extracting a small stack of folded T-shirts and placing them in her old grey case.

‘If there are any clothes you don’t want to take, I’ll have ’em,’ Shania said.

Anna nodded, keeping her eyes low, not wanting to be drawn on the fact that Shania’s plus-sized frame hadn’t a hope in hell of fitting into her titchy tops. ‘You can have half of my earrings and any jewellery you want.’ She nodded towards the shiny haul on the bedside cabinet.

‘Really?’ Shania beamed.

‘Yes, really. I mean, you borrow it all the time anyway.’

‘Thanks, mate!’ Shania gave her a double thumbs-up. ‘I can wear them when I see my dad.’

Anna nodded, sticking to the strategy she’d adopted for the whole two years they’d been rooming together, not commenting on the fact that in all that time Shania hadn’t had a single visit from either her dad, her mum or her mum’s shitty boyfriend. The one Christmas card that had showed up, a year and a half ago, still sat in pride of place on the windowsill. The red tones had long since faded to orange, the edges were now curled and the bottom had suffered a little water damage, but Anna knew it would never be put away.

Shania had wasted no time in prodding through the costume jewellery with her fingernail and was now admiring the three pairs of earrings she’d selected. ‘God, I hope I don’t get some cow to share with next. I couldn’t stand it!’

‘I don’t think you were that keen on me when you first moved in,’ Anna reminded her.

‘True, it took a bit of getting used to, having to sleep with the bloody curtains open and your lamp on.’

‘I can’t help it. I don’t like the dark.’ Anna had never confided in Shania exactly why they had to sleep that way, but the truth was that whenever she was in the pitch dark she always pictured her mum in her coffin and how she would have hated that. She remembered how her mum had loathed small, dark spaces, and she felt the same way. Just the thought of it was enough for her heart to miss a beat and her palms to go clammy.

‘But it turned out you were all right,’ Shania said, pushing the second of two bright blue glass studs through her earlobes. Twisting her head, she gazed at her reflection in the strip of mirror on the opposite wall.

‘They look lovely.’ Anna nodded in her direction. ‘I shall miss you, Shania. I love our chats before we fall asleep. You make me laugh and you’re kind.’

‘For God’s sake, girl, I’ve got a reputation to uphold – don’t you go telling everyone that I’m kind and funny.’ She sucked her teeth.

‘You’re all talk.’ Anna folded a red corduroy skirt from the drawer and placed it with the rest of her belongings. ‘Everyone knows you’re a softy.’

Shania studied her friend. ‘It’s funny when you think about it, because you look timid, you’re pale and quiet, but you have a core of steel. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. Nothing fazes you. I’ve hardly ever seen you cry and you never back away from anything. People wouldn’t necessarily know by looking at you, but you’re brave, unbreakable.’ She giggled. ‘Do you remember that time you saw a contender, a guy you thought might be Michael, driving a cab on the High Road, just under the bridge, and you jumped out in front of him, calling and going nuts. Banging on the bonnet. “Stop the cab! Stop the cab!” And he slammed on his brakes and wound down the window, wondering what the emergency was, and you said, cool as a cucumber, “What’s your name?” God, I thought he was going to run you over! You are class, Anna, pure class.’

Anna paused in her task and turned to look at her friend sitting on the duvet with everything she owned shoved into cardboard boxes under the bed, beyond happy with her gift of cheap blue earrings. She took in their drab little room. Despite the camaraderie, and the stability it had provided for her over the past few years, it was indeed a shit way to live.

‘That’s not true, you know.’ She swallowed. ‘Yes, I’m quiet, but I’m not brave, not really. I’ve just learnt to not make a fuss – and I really want to find my dad. As for unbreakable...’ She ran her fingers over the grey suitcase, now a little saggy in places, its surface scratched and the zip having a tendency to spring apart. She walked over to the dresser and picked up the white paper napkin with the smears of chocolate and the remaining crumbs of her birthday cake. Unfolding it, she held the square open and showed it to her friend. ‘You can’t break something that’s already smashed. It would be like trying to put this cake back together. You can’t. It’s gone. And that’s me.’ She scrunched up the napkin and threw it into the bin. ‘I got broken when I was nine and my mum died. And then my brother died too and those fragments were crushed to dust. So you’re right, nothing can break me because I’m already broken. I’m dust.’

‘I don’t think you’re dust, Anna. I think you’re brilliant. I don’t want you to go.’

‘You’ll be okay, Shania. I promise.’

‘I’m scared,’ she whispered.

Anna thought about the angry girl of two years ago and how such an admission would never have left her lips. ‘I know, but there’s no need.’

‘When you go, who’s going to look out for me?’

‘You, Shania, can look out for yourself. You can. And I won’t be that far away.’

‘I want my kids to be like you.’ Shania paused, as if considering this. ‘I want you to be their godmother so you can teach them all the stuff you’ve taught me.’

Anna smiled. ‘That would be the biggest honour ever.’

‘Not that I’m planning on having any just yet!’ Shania tutted.

‘Glad to hear it. Only two more years and you’ll leave here too. Time will fly by, you know that. And when you do leave, you have to work hard, Shania. You have to work harder than anyone. Make a life. Get a job, any job, even if you think it’s boring.’ She smiled. ‘It’s really important that you find a place to live and keep working and keep saving. And don’t ever, ever take drugs.’

‘Might be a bit late for that!’ Shania pulled a face.

‘Okay, don’t take drugs again,’ Anna said, with a small shake of her head. ‘I mean it. They ruined my brother’s life.’

‘My dad’s too.’

‘Well, there you go. Promise me.’

Shania rolled her eyes. ‘I promise.’

‘And remember what we spoke about that very first night? How it doesn’t matter where you start in life, it’s where you finish that counts – it’s not your first word but your last that defines you. And you can be anything you want to be. It’s up to you.’ She sat down. ‘And you know what...?’

Shania looked up.

‘I feel really sorry for your mum and dad.’

‘Don’t. They’re arseholes!’

‘But I do. They might be arseholes, but I feel sorry for them because you are fabulous and they didn’t get to fall asleep with you for the last couple of years and I did. Their loss was my gain.’

Shania sniffed away the tears that threatened and changed the subject. ‘Oh, this came for you.’ She reached under the notebook on Anna’s bedside table. ‘I nearly forgot! Looks like it might be from Jordan.’

Anna studied the New York postmark and the familiar handwriting, then ripped open the envelope. ‘You’re right, it is from Jordan!’ She grinned as she pulled out the pink, glittery card.

Happy birthday, darling! Eighteen? How did that happen? I wish you were here and we could drink cocktails and go out for steak! Not that you’d be legal, but since when did that stop me doing anything? Still waiting for my big break. Still doing terrible waiter jobs. Mum still hasn’t forgiven me for abandoning her, still writes weekly, asking if I’ve met a nice girl and when can she meet her. Incidentally, I have! Drum roll, please! She’s called Andrew and works in construction, but I take my cue from you again, oh wise cuz – all in good time and I think telling Mum face to face might be best. Anyway – eighteen! So you can now drive a truck, get married, join the army, oh and have all kinds of sex! (I have only done one of these and can heartily recommend it! And I’ll give you a clue, it wasn’t driving a truck.)

Anna laughed out loud.

I send you nothing but love, Anna, and can’t wait to see you again. And I also can’t wait for you to see me on a big screen in your local Odeon while stuffing popcorn in your gob... I can but dream. Do you remember my meltdown when we went to see Officer and a Gentleman? Still not recovered! Happy, happy days.

Love you, Birthday Girl!

Goldpie xx

Anna folded the card back into the envelope and placed it in her suitcase. She thought briefly of her sour-faced aunt and dopey uncle, and, just like with Shania’s parents, felt a wave of pity that they were missing so much of their wonderful boy’s life.

‘I will see you again, won’t I?’ Shania almost whispered the unthinkable.

‘Of course you will, you dafty!’ Anna jumped off the bed and hugged her friend tightly.