“You look great.” I leaned in and kissed Katie’s cheek.
She took my hand and squeezed it as we sat at a white plastic patio table on mismatched chairs. It was a gorgeous spring day, leaning far over toward summer. Rob sat beside me, draping an arm over the back of my chair.
“Hey Katie,” he said, giving her a brief, one-handed wave. “How you doing?”
“Better than I was the last time you saw me, that’s for sure.” Katie tucked her long blond hair behind her ears, her pale cheeks slightly red. She wasn’t wearing any makeup at all and she looked tired—she had dark circles—but her eyes were bright. She looked okay.
“How is it here?” I asked. We’d only started being allowed to talk on the phone the week before. She’d finally finished with detox and had started individual and group therapy. She had told me she was busy all the time, either in therapy or doing assignments afterward. They did a lot of journaling, a lot of talking.
“It’s horrible.” She made a face. “Painful. Awful... and amazing.”
“That’s what Tyler said.” Rob laughed. “Except for the amazing part. And his facility is, uh... a little posher than yours.”
“Thank you, by the way.” Katie leaned her elbows on the patio table. “My COBRA insurance ran out last month. I never could have afforded this. And without it... I’d probably be dead by now.”
“It was the least I could do, Katie,” Rob said softly, his hand massaging my shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re taking full advantage of it”
“It only works if you work it, right?” She gave him a rueful smile.
“One day at a time.”
I looked between them, feeling like something was going over my head. I understood addiction on a rational level, but I had no personal experience. Unless you counted Rob as my personal addiction—and I wasn’t giving him up!
“So...” Katie traced the lines on the table. “How’s Tyler?”
“He’s out,” Rob replied. “Getting ready to go on tour.”
“Clean?”
“For now.” He nodded.
“Please don’t let him pick up again, Rob.” Katie lifted her head and her eyes were shiny, wet .She said she loved him, said she’d fallen for him as hard as I’d fallen for Rob. If that was true, the pain she was in had to be excruciating. I couldn’t even imagine.
“You know I can’t promise anything,” he said softly. “It’s his disease, not mine.”
“I know. I just...” She lowered her head again, tracing those straight lines. “I love him.”
“I know.” Rob squeezed my shoulder, as if he could comfort Katie by proxy.
“I just want the best for him.” One of Katie’s tears fell onto the table, beading and magnifying the scratches on its worn surface. “I want him to be happy.”
“Well, I had to practically put him in chains to keep from flying to Michigan, so I think the feeling is mutual.”
“I can’t.” She sniffed, wiping her cheeks with the backs of her hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Katie cry. She was impulsive, a little crazy, but never overly emotional. Not like this. “Not... not yet.”
“No, not yet,” Rob agreed.
“I wish I could come with you.” Katie smiled at me, putting on a more Katie-face, a face I was used to, and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe the Katie-face I saw most of the time wasn’t really Katie at all. “Are you going on tour?”
“Ummm... I don’t know.” I glanced over at Rob. “I have to check with my doctor. We have an appointment today.”
“How are you doing?” More Katie-like now, as if every word away from the talk of Tyler and her addiction helped add layers to some shell she wore. “Still throwing up all the time?”
“No, thank God.” I found myself more comfortable talking like this, with the Katie I knew, although I wasn’t so sure that was a good thing. It said something about me too, I was sure. “I’m feeling good, actually. Starting to show a little.”
I lifted my shirt, running a hand over the little baby bump there. Katie’s eyes widened, and she smiled, reaching out, impulsive as ever, to touch it. It wasn’t much, really—I could still hide it, cover it with loose-fitting clothing.
“Can you feel it yet?” she asked, rubbing her hand back and forth under my navel. “Can I feel it?”
“I can,” I said. “But no one else can yet. It’s too light. It’s like... little butterflies.”
“Like that feeling you get just before a concert starts?” she asked, sitting back in her chair and giving me a knowing look.
I laughed. “Yeah, kind of like that.”
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“We’ll found out today, I hope.” I smiled over at Rob. I’d hardly been able to sleep last night, between the anticipation of seeing Katie and the idea that Rob would be with me when we found out the gender.
“I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby.” Katie shook her head, incredulous.
“I can’t either.” It was more of a reality now than it had been in the beginning, but I was still getting used to the idea.
“Of course, I can’t believe I got addicted to heroin.” She laughed, shaking her head. “We’ve come a long way, baby.”
“Don’t beat yourself up,” I said, putting a hand on her arm and squeezing.
“You either.” She took my hand and laced her fingers through mine. “Have you told your parents?”
“Not yet.” Damnit, she knew me so well. It was the thing I dreaded most. “I was kind of hoping Rob would be... free...”
“Ughhh that’s not over yet?” She made a face, squeezing my hand.
“It’s complicated,” Rob said, his words making me wince. Complicated sucked.
“Isn’t everything?” Katie sighed, looking at him for a moment before changing the subject. “My parents have been great... Surprisingly great. My mom came to visit yesterday. And Dad is coming tomorrow. Flying all the way from California.”
“And you’ll be out by this weekend,” I reminded her. “You have to be going stir crazy here, ready to get back home?”
“Yeah, well...” She let go of my hand, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest. “I... I’m a little scared to be out there on my own. I don’t have anything anymore. I’m about to be evicted from my apartment because I don’t have a job. I can’t...”
“You won’t be on your own.” I gave Rob an “I told you so” look. Now I was even more determined to stay home. It was only three weeks. I’d survived during that first separation from Rob. I could survive this one. Katie was worth the sacrifice.
“You’ll be on tour, Bree.” Katie shook her head and sighed.
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” Rob chimed in. “I have a plan.”
I gave him a sharp look.
Katie laughed. “An evil plan?”
“Well, I have to admit, it’s not completely altruistic.” He grinned. “But I think it will be a win-win for everyone.”
“So, what’s your evil plan?” she asked.
“I want you to stay at Sabrina’s with Sarah,” he announced. I gaped at him, but Katie frowned, head cocked, considering.
“Sarah?”
“You guys can be roommates for a while,” he told her, selling the idea, and not just to her, I knew. He was selling it to me too. “Just until you’re settled. Until you’ve got a job and you’re going to regular meetings. Until you’ve built up your support system.”
“I’m her support system,” I countered. My best friend needed me, now more than ever. I couldn’t abandon her to some stranger—even as kind as Sarah had been—not when she didn’t have anyone else.
“I think Katie has to do this,” Rob said, looking across the table and meeting her eyes.
“He’s right, Bree. I do.” Katie nodded slowly.
“But...” I didn’t even know what to say in protest.
“Look, I love you, Bree.” Katie smiled, nudging me with her knee. “But I have to stop relying on you to be the sensible one. I have to learn to be sensible too.”
I stared at her, not saying anything. I knew what she was saying—that I’d enabled her somehow. But how?
“I’ve always been the wild, crazy one.” She sighed. “I get you into trouble—and you get me out of it.”
Well, that was true enough. That had been true since we’d met. We complemented each other that way.
“But I can’t always count on you to get me out of trouble.”
“And you can’t always count on me to push you into going after the things you really want.”
Understanding came slowly, a dawning, and I sat back in my chair, unable to speak. I felt responsible for Katie, for what had happened with Tyler, for her getting mixed up in it. I always felt responsible for Katie. And Katie... she was my wild side. I lived vicariously through her. She did push me, often, into doing things, and I let her. Things like hooking up with a rock star—which was something I had wanted but would have been too afraid, on my own, to pursue. I wouldn’t have Rob without Katie, it was true.
But it was more than that. I felt responsible for Katie when she got in trouble—but Katie served to absolve me of responsibility for myself. Whatever “crazy” actions I took weren’t my fault, after all. Whenever we did something wild together, if it ended badly, I could always blame Katie for getting me into “trouble.”
“Katie...” I sat, stunned by this new revelation about her, about me. “I’m sorry.”
“You get why I need to do this?” She leaned in toward me, taking my hands, pressing her forehead to mine. “Why you need to do this too?”
I closed my eyes, nodding, knowing what she meant. She needed to bail herself out this time without me. And me—whatever wild and crazy thing I did, like continuing my relationship with a married man and following him to the ends of the earth while carrying his child—I needed to take responsibility for my own choices. They were mine, and mine alone. I couldn’t blame them on my wild, crazy friend anymore.
I felt Rob’s hand on my shoulder, a silent support.
“I love you, Bree.” She rubbed her nose against mine, giving me a smile.
“I love you too.” I put my arms around her and we hugged, long and hard, both of us crying and laughing at the same time.
“So that’s settled then?” Rob smiled as we parted. “You can stay at Sabrina’s with Sarah while Sabrina goes on tour with me?”
“Hey, we still have to talk to my doctor,” I reminded him.
He laughed, shaking his head. “Pending doctor approval, of course.”
“Hey, you guys want to see my room?” Katie stood, pushing her chair back and reaching for my hand.
We took a walk around the grounds, which were quite nice. The place used to be an old monastery, so many of the offices and all the residences were former cells, singular, quiet, most of them devoid of windows. The residents put things up on their walls, posters, sayings, most of them twelve-step, things like: “What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business” and “The Road to Resentment is Paved with Expectation.”
“I made this.” Katie showed me a charm bracelet, blushing a little when she said, “During craft time. I know, it sounds all kindergarten, but it’s really very Zen.”
“It’s pretty,” I said, holding it up to the light. The stone was a purple heart.
“It’s supposed to protect you.” She put her hand over mine, closing my fist around the charm. “I thought you could take it on tour.”
I looked at her for a moment, realizing what a switch that was.
Katie, protecting me.
“Thank you,” I managed.
They announced visiting hours were over via the loudspeakers.
“Do you want us to come again?” I asked as she walked us out toward the parking lot. “Before we come get you this weekend?”
“No.” Katie hugged me, and I squeezed her tight. I didn’t want to let go. “I’ll see you then.”
“We love you.” I sniffed, watching Rob put his arms around her, seeing Katie hold tight to him for a moment.
“We do,” he said, kissing her cheek.
Katie smiled, a new sort of smile I hadn’t seen before.
“I know.”
~*~
Dr. Goodman’s office was always overflowing with very obviously pregnant women, but I never really noticed them too much when I was going to her for other things, like birth control exams or pap smears. Now I noticed. I looked at all the women in various stages of pregnancy, some with cantaloupes, others basketballs, some even beach balls, their shirts stretched over their baby bumps.
Today I wasn’t baby bump watching though because everyone kept looking at me. Or, really, they were looking at Rob. He wore his magic sunglasses and a Detroit Tiger’s cap he’d picked up at the mall, but they weren’t really working. There was a very pregnant young girl in the corner—I swear she couldn’t have been fifteen—whispering to a woman that was likely her mother and they kept looking over at us. I was sure she’d recognized Rob and I was making mental bets on how long it would take her to approach him.
Of course, once she did, the rest of the women—like the one with a loud toddler she kept trying to quiet by offering him the breast, flashing everyone every few minutes, a fact that had Rob buried behind a copy of Sports Illustrated—would rush over too. There were two other women there, and only one had a man with her. He had a Sports Illustrated too, but I think he was actually reading it. Rob was just hiding behind his.
“You know that’s the swimsuit edition, right?” I smiled at him as I leaned in to whisper in his ear.
“Is it?” Rob sat up straighter, flipping the page from a Jack Daniels ad to find Kate Upton rolling around in the sand. “Hey, look at that, it is! Is this incentive to lose the baby weight or something?”
“Shh!” I laughed, glancing over at the teen. She was getting up her courage. “Listen, I’m going to ask them to take us back now?”
“Why?” He smirked. “I handle far more women than this at one time.”
“Yeah, but these are pregnant women.” I reminded him. “Hormones.”
“Sabrina?”
“Thank God,” I whispered. “Come on.”
I got weighed—which wasn’t all that fun, in front of Rob, but he didn’t even bat an eyelash at the number—and then they gave me a cup to pee in. Also not so fun with Rob around, but at least he waited in the room while I filled the cup with my name on it and left it in the little cabinet.
“All set?” he asked when I came back into the room. He’d tossed the cap and sunglasses on the counter and was talking to the nurse.
“Yep.” I slid up onto the examination table and the nurse, a cute, short-haired blonde with big brown doe eyes, put the blood pressure cuff on my arm. I noticed her looking at Rob and I wondered if she knew who he was.
“So, any issues?” she asked as she pressed the button on the mechanized cuff. “Nausea, heartburn? Any cramping or bleeding? Fatigue? Constipation or hemorrhoids? Vaginal discharge?”
Oh, for God’s sake.
“No, nothing.” I shook my head, watching the blood pressure number rise and avoiding Rob’s eyes.
“Your BP is slightly high.” The nurse frowned, taking off the cuff. “Probably a little white coat syndrome. But I want you to lie on your left side until the doctor comes in. Then we’ll take it again.”
“Okay.” I reclined, using the pillow to support my head. “The doctor said she was going to do an ultrasound today.”
“Yes, you’re...” The nurse checked my chart. “Just about sixteen weeks. She might even be able to find out the gender. Do you want to know?”
“Definitely,” I replied.
“Have to know if you’re shopping for pink or blue, right?” The nurse dropped me a wink. “The doctor should be in shortly. Thanks for the autograph.”
This last was aimed at Rob. So, she did know.
“No problem, Ellen.”
“Ellen?” I raised my eyebrows when she was gone. “You’re already on a first name basis with the nurse?”
“She had me sign ‘to Ellen.’” He laughed, rolling his eyes. “So, is this Dr. Goodman actually good?”
“I like her.” I shrugged, sitting up on my elbow. “She wants all her patients to call her Barb.”
“I didn’t see any degrees on the wall.” He looked around at the poster of a non-pregnant uterus and fallopian tubes on the wall, a plastic model of a bisected pregnant woman with a removable plastic fetus.
“She’s good, Rob.” Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “Check the other hallway on the way out, by the way. Unless you think Harvard is below your standards?”
“Harvard?” He raised his eyebrows. “What in the heck is she doing in Detroit?”
“This is Birmingham, not Detroit.” I snorted. “And I think she has family here.”
There was a brief knock before the door opened and Dr. Goodman came in. She was a petite woman with dirty blonde hair that I’d always seen pulled back into a ponytail. She wore wire-rimmed glasses and, although she had to be forty-something, she wore those “invisible” braces, which made her speech slightly lispy.
“Well, Sabrina, how are we doing?” she asked, my chart in her hand.
“Good.”
“I see your BP was a little high. Let’s take that again.” She rolled the machine back over and wrapped the cuff around my arm, pushing the button to inflate it. “This must be Daddy?”
“Rob, this is Dr. Goodman,” I said, making the introductions. “And yes, he’s the... father.”
Wow, it was still weird to say that out loud.
“Call me Barb.” She reached over and shook Rob’s hand.
“Hi Barb,” Rob said. I could tell he was sizing her up.
“Nice to meet you. And before I forget...” She pulled a prescription pad out of her pocket. “Can you sign this? Make it ‘To Chris.’ It’s for my niece. She just loves your music.”
“Sure.” Rob accepted the pad and pen she offered. “How do you spell that?”
My blood pressure was back to normal and the doctor had me roll to my back, so she could “measure” my uterus. She stretched a tape measure—something else she kept in her pocket—from my pubic bone up toward my navel, feeling for the top of my uterus with her fingers.
“Perfect. Right on for sixteen weeks,” she remarked, smiling at Rob and accepting the signed pad back, slipping it into her pocket along with the tape measure.
“Your pee looked great, your blood work from last time came back fine. You’re not anemic.” She flipped through my chart, making notations. “Anything else you want to talk about? Any questions or concerns?”
“No.” I shook my head, glancing at Rob. “You?”
“Not at the moment.”
“I’d normally use the Doppler to hear baby’s heartbeat,” she told him. ”But we’re going to do an ultrasound today, yes?”
I nodded, my own heart skipping in my chest.
“Well are we ready to see this little munchkin?” She smiled, pulling my shirt up and tucking a strip of paper towel under the elastic of my yoga pants, pulling them low on my belly.
I’d had one ultrasound at my first visit. That one had been transvaginal but thank goodness they were doing this one on my belly instead. Baby’s first photo was hanging on my fridge. He—or she—looked more like a lima bean than a human. But I’d heard the heartbeat that day, proof that he or she was alive and well in there.
“Come on over here, Dad.”
Dad. She kept saying that. The word stunned me, but it didn’t seem to faze Rob.
“Can you get the lights for me?” Barb asked. Rob flipped the switch, coming to stand beside me. “It’s easier to see when it’s dark.”
“This may be cold.” She used a squirt bottle to ooze some blue goo onto my lower belly.
“Yikes!” I shivered. She wasn’t kidding!
“What’s that for?” Rob asked, watching as she ran the transducer over my belly, a scratchy sound coming out of the speakers.
“Helps conduct the ultrasound waves.” She turned on the monitor. “Okay... let’s see if we can find you... oh look at that!”
I was. During my last ultrasound, I couldn’t really make anything out. Dr. Goodman had to point everything out to me and even then, it wasn’t that clear. But today, I saw everything. The baby’s head was big, its body small, but I could see arms, legs, even fingers!
“He’s already found his thumb,” she pointed out, showing us the outline of his head, the hand up to his face, thumb firmly in his mouth.
“You go, boy.” Rob laughed, leaning in to get a closer look.
“Actually...” Barb moved the wand over my belly, pushing this way and that. “Do we want to know the gender?”
“Yes.” I nodded eagerly, my eyes on the screen.
“See this?” She pointed to three faint white lines on the screen with her fingertip between what was clearly a set of baby legs. “That, ladies and gentlemen, is a labia. We’ve got a little girl here.”
I couldn’t breathe. A girl. A girl. I looked up at Rob, feeling his hand slip into mine.
“A girl,” I said out loud. “What do you think of that?”
“I think it’s fucking amazing.” He leaned in to kiss me. It was just a brief thing, but it thrilled me. I couldn’t help the tears slipping down my temples and I blinked to clear my vision—I didn’t want to miss a minute of this experience.
“Well if you like that, check out this.” The doctor did something and suddenly the screen changed. The black and white fuzzy image transformed into something sharper, clearer. Suddenly the baby’s face wasn’t just a vague profile but a 3D image. I could see her nose, her lips, her little fingers curled up. We watched her sucking her thumb, her eyes closed—still fused shut, according to all my baby books.
“Oh my God... Rob.” I looked up at him and saw his eyes were wet too. “That’s her. That’s our baby.”
“She’s beautiful,” he whispered. “Just like her mama.”
“And she’s got the hiccups.” Barb did something, and the screen changed again, giving us an expanded view. Now we could see her chest and belly too. “See that? See her chest moving?”
“I can feel that!” I watched the rhythmic movements, incredulous. “Rob, here, feel.”
I took his hand, pressing it to my belly.
Barb moved the transducer, so he could put his hand on my lower belly. I pressed it there, hard, holding as still as I could.
“Sorry, it’s messy,” I apologized.
“I don’t care,” he scoffed, head cocked like he was listening for something, hand cupping my belly. Then his face lit up, his eyes meeting mine. “That’s her? That’s really her?”
“That’s her.” Barb smiled, handing him some paper towel to wipe the goo off his hand. “Any names yet?”
“We were waiting to narrow down our choices,” I said, smiling at Rob.
“Well now you know.” She squirted more cold stuff onto my belly, moving the transducer around again. She started taking measurements—baby’s head, leg, abdomen. She took several 3D snapshots, typing “Hi Mom and Dad!” on one.
“So, I have a question for you, Doc,” Rob said as she finished up, wiping the goo off my belly.
“Barb,” she reminded him.
“Barb, right.” He smiled, flipping the light on when she asked him to. “The thing is... I’m taking a trip to Europe next week. We’ll be there for about three weeks. I was wondering if there would be a problem for Sabrina to travel?”
“Shouldn’t be.” She helped me sit up. “If you were further along, it would be a problem. We’d have to worry more about blood clots and, of course, you going into labor. But the second trimester is the perfect time to travel. You can fly, you can drive. Plus, you’re over morning sickness and your energy is coming back and you’re not too big yet.”
“Enjoy this time.” Barb reached down, taking something out of the machine and handing it to me. “Make it your honeymoon.”
I wish, I thought.
“Thanks,” I said, looking at the disc in my hand. “What’s this?”
“That’s a CD of your baby. I recorded quite a bit of the exam for you.”
“Wow, thank you!”
“I would like to see you as soon as you return,” she said, opening my chart. “You should be getting prenatals once a month at this point.”
“I’ll have a doctor on staff to take care of her.” Rob slipped his arm around my shoulder.
“Well then, you definitely have my blessing,” she replied, closing my chart with a smile. ““Congratulations you two. This baby is very lucky.”
“We’re very lucky,” I replied, looking up at Rob with shining eyes.
“Does this mean you’ll come with me?”
I had a lump in my throat, thinking about brave Katie.
It was time for me to be brave too.
“Yes.” I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. “Let’s go buy something pink.”