Chapter One
I would have cried all the way there if I wasn’t driving myself.
I had never been so torn about making such a huge life decision; every other time, the obvious answer had presented itself to me and I’d gone with that. When it came to break up with my high school boyfriend to go to college across the country, I knew exactly what I was meant to do, so I dumped Darren and hopped on a plane to New York. Hunting my first job, I wondered briefly whether leaving my entire life behind so I could pick up an editorial position in a small but prestigious paper all the way back across the states was the right decision- but I knew that it was in my heart. But this time, when the call had come through, I was left completely unsure as to what I was really meant to do.
The call, which my editor Paul directed straight to my office, was from one of our higher-ups, the head of the publishing corporation that owned the paper. They were pitching a story- a story that Paul knew would be right up my alley. I’d written about sports for as long as I’d written, and was currently doing a weekly column for the paper that had been pretty well-received so far. So, when head office got in touch and said they wanted someone to go immerse themselves in an up-and-coming hockey team across the country and write an investigative piece on their rise to notoriety, there was only one person they were ever going to send out to cover it. I remember nodding my way through the phone call as though they could see me, before I hung up and stared at the opposite wall for five full minutes.
I really thought I would be here for at least the next few years or so. Yeah, the article wouldn’t take forever to write- I would be gone six months at the most- but it was another upheaval. I had hoped that when I chose to come to the Herald, I would finally find some of the stability I’d been craving since I left home. And I had found it- I had found it with Joel.
We’d met through work- I was covering the opening of his new restaurant back when I first arrived, and we hit it off at once The age difference didn’t seem to matter too much (he was thirty-one when we met, a full decade older than me), and we soon fell for each other and moved in. I’d been so busy with work before that I had never much bothered with relationships, and he was the first- I loved him with every inch of my being, more than I thought it was possible to love someone.
Loved. That was the operative word, I thought, as I finally saw the lights of the town I would be living in for the next few months on the horizon. When I told him about the opportunity I’d been given, I assumed that it would be a bit of a change for us, but that we would stick it out- it wasn’t forever, and after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
“I’m not waiting for you that long,” Joel snapped, wiping his hands on the towel next to the stovetop. I leaned up against the counter, gripping on for dear life.
“Why not?” I demanded. “We’ve been together two years. I won’t even be gone that long!”
“It’s not you going,” he sighed. “It’s that you don’t…you obviously don’t want to settle down yet.”
It took me by surprise, but he was right. He had ten years on me, and he would be looking at starting a family and getting married and here I was, running off across the country to pursue a story and leaving him behind.
So, we broke up, and I packed a bag full of clothes and pictures and threw everything into the back of my car. At least I didn’t have to worry about finding a place to stay- the paper was paying for my accommodation, so I wouldn’t have to slink back to my family and ask to crash on their couch for a while. Still, it felt as though my heart physically ached- I had thought we were forever, in the foolish, certain way you think your first love will last. I had known it was wrong from the start, if I was honest with myself, known that we were at different places in our lives, but I had ignored it in the hopes that we could figure something out one day down the line. Turns out I had just been putting off the inevitable.
It was a seven-hour drive, and I did it in a day, desperate to put as much distance between myself and him as I could. I had been given the name of the town and the location of the training ground that I’d be hanging out at for the next few months, and that was it- the team management had agreed for me to come cover the team in the hopes of attracting a few sponsors, but Paul reminded me that that didn’t mean I had to produce a flattering story. I hadn’t written an investigative piece on this level before, and I was nervous about pissing someone off- the team, the players, my editors. I just had to trust that they wouldn’t have sent me here if they didn’t think I could do it.
It was late when I pulled up to the apartment they had put aside for me- I fumbled in my pocket for the key I’d been sent a few days prior, and unlocked the door and made my way upstairs.
I found my apartment, opened the door, and flicked on the light- it was small, a studio, but it was just what I needed after leaving Joel. I didn’t want acres of empty space that only I could fill. The smallness of the place made me feel a little less lonely.
I dumped my suitcase next to the bed, and fell face-first into the threadbare mattress. And, although I’d been fighting the urge to cry since I left the city, I found that the tears weren’t forthcoming. Maybe I was too tired, maybe I was too nervous about tomorrow- but I didn’t want to cry. I flipped on to my back, and stared at the ceiling, and wondered if this escape might have been a better decision that I thought.