Ned shut his eyes and leaned back in his chair, trying desperately to tune out the sounds of the scene that Jack was editing. Jack wanted him there for all of the editing process, wanted Ned’s opinion on these things. Normally, Ned didn’t mind but now it meant he had to watch James act as Jerry and he really, really didn’t know how much more his battered heart could take.

James hadn’t even bothered to stop and listen to Ned’s explanation. He hadn’t wasted a second, dropping Ned like he’d never even mattered. Ned had been ready to explain things, to apologize, but James hadn’t wanted to listen. As if there could be a clearer way of saying that James didn’t care enough to fix things.

Not that James didn’t have a right to be angry. Jack had tried, a few times, to get Ned to see that he hadn’t done anything wrong, but Ned knew he should have done the right thing and given James a chance. “He needed this role more than Dex did, and I should have thought of that before telling you not to cast him. I was just thinking about you and us, and I was selfish.”

“You were being logical and trying to make a smart decision. We didn’t know if we could trust him with the part,” Jack replied. “How long are you going to keep beating yourself up about this before you realize that the only mistake you made was not telling James about it when you had the chance?”

Ned thought back to that night often, how he and James had lain together in bed, how James had felt inside him, over him, under him, and what it had been like to just reach out and touch him whenever he wanted. He knew that he shouldn’t miss James so quickly, not after they’d only had one proper night together, but he kept waking up in the middle of the night with James’ smile in his vision, James’ laughter in his ear, and every time he would stupidly reach out, thinking maybe James was there this time. Instead, all he’d meet was cold sheets, and he’d feel his chest squeeze tightly.

It felt like he was in his own special version of Hell as day after day he and Jack sat together and helped Jack go through the many takes of the film. Ned knew how important editing was to a film—it could change a film from a murder mystery to a romantic comedy, or vice versa, and two slightly different shots could convey two completely different messages to an audience. Normally, he was very attentive, helping Jack keep track of where they were, what takes they’d gone over, and so on, but now his heart just wasn’t in it. Jack could probably tell but, thankfully, was tactful enough not to say anything. Ned knew that Jack stood by his opinion that Ned hadn’t done anything wrong except for not talking to James about it when the opportunity arose, but Ned still felt as though he should have let Jack cast James as Tyler in the first place.

He’d tried reaching out to James about it, but had been rebuffed. James wouldn’t answer his phone calls or his texts, and while Ned had tried leaving voicemails, he inevitably ended up tongue-tied and probably made things worse. If James even bothered to listen to the messages, that is. James could very well have just deleted them all without listening. Ned wouldn’t blame him. Sometimes, Ned considered just going out and grabbing a guy from a bar or something, but he could never bring himself to do it, not even on the nights when Jack and Mandy would be hanging out in the living room, disgustingly domestic as they ate Chinese takeout and watched the latest superhero movie. Ned was glad to see that their relationship was going well, at least.

Maybe this was just how it was supposed to be, Ned thought. Maybe he just didn’t deserve to be in a relationship. After all, he finally got the guy of his dreams only to ruin things when they were just getting started. Nothing was worth the feeling of worthlessness that he felt now and the pang in his chest when he thought about James. It was like his chest had suddenly expanded and was now a cavern, empty and echoing. And he’d done this to himself. How was he supposed to know that he wouldn’t mess up the next chance at a relationship with someone? Or the next?

He just wished that he could find some way to make it up to James. Not so James would take him back, but so James could get the opportunity that he’d lost when Ned had convinced Jack not to let him play Tyler. James didn’t even have to know it had been Ned—he’d probably kill Ned if he found out that Ned had been meddling in his life, again. Just one chance, one opportunity, to make up for what he had taken. That, at least, would give him a bit of peace, knowing that James was happy and getting the start to the career he deserved.

And if Ned’s lot in life was a broken heart, well, he kind of felt he’d earned it.