Chapter Seven – Kurt

The drive home gave him time to think. What if she knew he was a damp squib now, unable to change, unable to conquer his wolf, and no match for a woman like her? A woman like what? All he knew from his drug-fuelled haze was what she looked like and that she was his mate.

He didn’t even know her name. The hospital hadn’t told him, no matter how many times he asked. His deep-seated fear was that she had asked them not to tell him, not to trace her. They had stated it was their policy, but he doubted the policy existed for anyone but him. Paranoia. My old friend.

Driving past the turning to Wolf Valley, he looked across to where the lights illuminated the neighbourhood where he lived. How many other wolves were gripped by the need to be the alpha? It was so messed up. They needed a leader, someone to keep them safe … from each other, and themselves.

Tightening his hands on the steering wheel, he knew he would never be that person. But he hoped he could still become a better person, a whole person. Gripped with a sudden need, he headed up the road leading to his house, picking up speed. He needed to do this before he changed his mind.

With a spray of stones, the car slid to a halt and he got out, his heart beating so fast he thought it would explode in his chest. The front door of his house flew open; his mom appeared, looking concerned. The same expression he drew from her on a daily basis as she obsessed over one facet of his emotional stability after another. He hated making her feel like that. He had to make himself better. He needed to be whole again.

“Kurt, are you OK? How did it go?” She came towards him. He had to stop her, he didn’t want to hurt her.

“Mom, go back inside. There is something I need to do.”

“Kurt, you have nothing to prove,” she said, pleading with him.

“I have everything to prove. That night I chased Fiona up the mountain and nearly killed her, that was me, all me. Now I am paying the price for it. And I need to reclaim the part of me I lost. Perhaps in that way I won’t have to live with such guilt every day.”

“Kurt, what if you get stuck again?”

Then she’ll come back to me. He had never consciously thought of it that way. Was that what he was trying to do? Lying to himself once more, as to what his objective was for turning wolf again. Did he secretly hope that if he was stuck he might need her help again and this time she would stay?

“I won’t, Mom.”

“Kurt, I’m scared, please come inside.”

He stood, head bowed, defeated by her words. He had put her through so much already. It would be selfish to put her through anything more. Sighing, he looked up at her, tears misting his eyes. “It’s OK, Mom. I need some time alone, though. I’m going for a walk. Don’t wait up.”

He went to her, pressed the car keys into her hand, and then said, “Mia will be coming for these. Don’t worry, I won’t do anything dumb.” He kissed her cheek, feeling the moisture from her tears on his lips. Every time she cried, every time he caught that look of fear in her eyes, he hated himself.

Sometimes he wondered if it was ever going to change. If he would ever be able to forgive himself. If he would ever be able to forgive his wolf.

Walking into the trees, he felt them close in around him and welcomed the comfort they gave. Old and wise, they cocooned him as he walked and then broke into a run. He had to get rid of this pent-up tension or he would explode and that would be no good for anyone.

The run became faster, his mind telling him this was the closest he would ever get to being a wolf now. Those days were gone.

Faster, trying to escape his new reality he flew through the trees, mile after unstoppable mile of trees, leaping over streams, the branches catching at him, but unable to stop him. But her scent did.

A small wisp of a breeze drifted through the forest, spreading the scent of his mate. With his nose in the air, he tried to catch it, to breathe it in; so fragile on the night air. Taking a few steps forward, he lost it and went back to the original place he had smelt it. He tried another way; this time he was reward by a stronger dose of her. Her hand had touched the trunk of a tree, making the scent linger. For a moment, he stood and took it in. Placing his hand where she had placed hers, feeling like a stalker or some kind of voyeur.

Then another scent touched his nostrils and made his hackles rise. Another wolf, here among the trees. Another. His mate had been with another wolf. A snarl rose up on his lips and he bared his teeth to the night. His own wolf was so close now, he could feel it ripping up the corners of his mind and it frightened him. What would his wolf do if it caught his mate with another wolf? He couldn’t bear to think of the consequences, so he shut the wolf in a mental box and swallowed the key. He could not come out now, he was trapped. It was a mental exercise she had taught him when he was trying to regain his human form. Ironic that after all of these weeks wanting to reclaim his wolf, he had shut it away on purpose.

Turning around he went back towards his house. Defeated, utterly and completely. This was why she had never wanted him to know who she was. She already had a lover, already had a mate. Maybe all men fell in love with her and thought she was theirs. Maybe that was how the treatment worked. He would have to learn to live with it, to be ever-thankful for the kindness and understanding she had shown him, but he needed to put some distance between them.

He was true to those words. Until the scream. Her scream. It rose up and echoed through the trees. She needed him. He would answer her call.