Mac
I DON’T KNOW WHY I didn’t plan what to say to that ahead of time. I should have assumed it would come up, right? Who am I standing on their porch with their daughter and holding their grandchild?
Who am I? Certainly not anyone I currently recognize.
“Mom, this is my neighbor, Mac. He helps me out sometimes.”
I’m a cop, and I know how to hold an expression on my face that doesn’t go along with what I’m feeling inside. I’ve had to assure people they were okay when they were not. I’ve lied to plenty of people to get them to tell me things they don’t want to. But as I struggle to hold my cop face in place, my heart cracks like it’s been hit with a sledgehammer.
I don’t know what I thought I was to Hillary, but neighbor who helps her out sometimes wasn’t it. Best friend? Lover? Legal father of her child? I shut all that down. I guess it’s not important what she tells her parents right now since she doesn’t trust them. This isn’t a defining moment in our relationship.
Why does it feel like it is?
We enter the house, and Hillary is tense, her expression unforgiving. When her mom wants to hold Kenzie, I can see how much it costs her. Her dad joins us, and he’s watching me warily. Who could blame him? This whole situation is weird, and I don’t know why I volunteered for it.
I drink my coffee and watch Hillary twist her hands. Small talk is awkward, but since I’m there, nobody gets into the blame game and everyone stays civil.
“When are you going back to work, son?” Mr. Bloom asks me.
“Well, sir. As soon as I’m cleared.”
Mrs. Bloom obviously enjoys holding the baby, but she looks up sharply. “You’re going back to the ERU? Isn’t that dangerous?”
“Mom—”
“Well, isn’t it? I would think you might want something safer now.”
“Now what, Mom?”
Mrs. Bloom’s cheeks pinken. “Well, with you and Kenzie...”
“Hillary and I are just friends, ma’am. You don’t have to worry about her getting involved with a cop.”
Hillary’s eyes cut a path to me, sharp and dangerous. “Exactly. Just friends. Nothing more.”
The temperature in the room plummets. Here I thought I’d be a good buffer between Hillary and her parents’ tension, but it turns out they have to buffer ours.
I shouldn’t have slept with her. How could I not know it would ruin everything? Those hours in her bed were amazing, but it’s the months in her life I need more, and I screwed that up by thinking with my cock.
“Excuse me,” Hillary says icily as she gets up to use the restroom, leaving me with her folks and a fussy baby.
“Ma’am, may I?” I ask, indicating to Kenzie. Mrs. Bloom doesn’t look convinced it’s a good idea, but once Kenzie is in my arms, she stops her little cries and settles in.
“You have a way with her,” Mr. Bloom says.
“We have an understanding.” I shift her to the other arm. “She twists me around her baby pinkie finger and I let her.”
Mr. And Mrs. Bloom chuckle and the tension in the room lightens until Hillary returns. I’m not good at emotions, but I can read hers pretty well, and she’s pissed and uncomfortable and it’s my fault.
I knew I was falling for her. I should have known there would never be such a thing as casual sex when it came to the two of us. Damn. I don’t know what she wants from me. When I agree with her that we’re just friends, she acts like I’m being an ass. But what am I supposed to do? Shout from the rooftops that I have loved her since the first day I saw her moving in? She is the one who wants to keep it platonic.
This is why I never wanted to get involved. I was fine by myself. I was happy living my bachelor life and not having anyone to answer to.
We don’t speak the whole trip back. The meeting went well as far as mending the rift in their family. I don’t think it will be easy, but if she and her parents try, I think they can get past it. I know how hurt she is, but I saw the pictures on their mantel. They love their daughter. Parenting just doesn’t come with a manual and people are human and screw up.
When we get to the apartment, she stops me before I come in. “I’m really tired. I think I’m going to turn in early. Thanks for the ride to my parents’.”
The ride? She thinks I went with her so she didn’t have to take a bus?
She’s got me all knotted up inside. “You want help with Kenzie’s bath? I can make you dinner, since you’re tired.”
The naked longing in her eyes doesn’t match her words. “No, thank you. You’ve been such a good friend to us, but I really don’t want to take advantage of you anymore. You should maybe go out, grab a beer with the guys. Have one for me.”
Have a beer with the guys? I think I’ve done that once since I met her. I don’t even remember the last time I didn’t spend an evening in her living room. “Sure, yeah. Hang out with the guys. Have a good night.”
I don’t know why she is doing this. Her face doesn’t match what she’s saying. I could guilt my way in to her house. I could probably even get back in her bed tonight. I’d love to slide back in between her thighs and bury my face in her neck and forget this strange day ever happened. But I can see that she wants to be strong. Sex won’t fix this. Not since sex is what screwed it up.
I never should have let myself fall for her. Not when I know I’m so fucked up and she deserves so much more. I think about that as I stare at the white, unadorned walls of my apartment. For the first time, I don’t let myself into her house when I hear through the walls that she is up with Kenzie all night.
I don’t know what happened to the grumpy fucker I used to be who didn’t let anyone too close and who didn’t let himself care. It takes everything I have not to break down the wall between our apartments. That’s where my life is now.
The life I’m too chickenshit to really live.