Chapter Nine
I slept in his arms. The sounds of the jungle lulled me to sleep, but when the morning came we were forced to face reality. He helped me clean up and pack the camp. He carried the heavier items and I only had to lift blankets and pillows. It was a strange thing to see a Goseb lifting and carrying more than a human, but it was Detro, so it made sense.
By the time we got back to the ship we learned that a tribunal had already been called to discipline Detro. He would be expected to present himself in front of them and make his case. The ship was abuzz with the news. Thankfully, no one knew I was the reason, but no one was happy that he was leaving.
We spent as much time together as we could without getting caught. Every time I brought him a meal he would grab me and pull me into his bed. There seemed no end to the pleasures we could share. We made love on every spare inch of his quarters in every position. I found heights of ecstasy that I could never have even imagined. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to be held in his arms.
We couldn’t spend the night together, because people would notice and talk. Detro’s main concern wasn’t himself or his upcoming tribunal. It was me. He didn’t want there to be any gossip about our relationship. Neither of us had said anything to anyone and, as far as we knew, no one else knew.
The time passed so quickly. I resented every moment I wasn’t with him. I hated the Gosebs in a way I had never hated them before. It wasn’t just Detro’s tribunal. It was everything the Gosebs had ever done to me and my people. I hated that they enslaved us, that they forced us to work, that we had no rights, no possessions, nothing that was our own.
At night, when I lay alone in my small cot in the crowded human quarters, I imagined myself a warrior crusader. I would be strong and fast and a great fighter. No one would be able to touch me. I would march into the Goseb command center and rip every last one of them apart, piece by piece. I imagined myself leading an army of humans across the Goseb territories and defeating every last one of them.
In my dreams, I was powerful and strong. Nothing could stop me. I was impervious to weapons. I was stronger than all the Goseb warriors. In my dreams, I could be everything I wasn’t in real life. I was in control. I was powerful. It was nothing compared to my real life, where I had no control over anything.
I wept the day he left. I tried to keep myself together. I tried to be strong for him. But I just couldn’t. His room had been packed up. Only the empty bed and desk remained. I set his basda out for him as the tears poured down my face.
“Hush, Mereen, hush,” he said, as he pulled me against his chest and ran his bare hand through my hair.
“Let’s run away,” I said, pulling back and looking up into his eyes. “Let’s run away. We can find The Sanctuary together.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head.
He still wouldn’t tell me what his plans were. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust me. It was the Gosebs he didn’t trust. I would never last under their questioning.
“Do you trust me?” he asked, tilting my chin up so I was looking at him.
“With my life,” I answered.
“Are you prepared to go to the planet side?” he asked me.
I nodded. He and I had decided that would be for the best. I could blend in down on the planet and Detro still had soldiers down there loyal to him. I would get a new name, a new chip. I would be a new person, just another prisoner working on the colony.
He took my by the shoulders and looked into my eyes. “I’m coming back,” he said. “I am not abandoning you on this planet. I will come back.”
I nodded and blinked back tears.
“Promise me you won’t do anything foolish or impatient. Promise me you’ll wait.”
“I promise,” I said. We kissed then. My tears transferred from my face to his. His hands were on my neck and then my back. I held onto him, refusing to let him go. Finally, he pulled my arms from around his waist and kissed my forehead.
“It will be alright, Mereen. I love you and I will come back for you.”
“I love you and I’ll wait,” I said, looking up into his eyes.
From there I was taken straight down to the planet. Tears were so thick in my eyes that I couldn’t see anything in front of me. My first glimpse of the camp was nothing but the color orange swimming in my tears. When I finally managed to wipe them clean I saw the flat, orange landscape, the long lines of white tents.
I only did two shifts in the laundry before I realized they had everything needed to make alcohol. I brokered a deal with Marge and, after that, I started making alcohol full time. At first, I expected Detro every moment of every day. My eyes were constantly scanning the horizon, looking for his ship. Every time there was a noise in the night, I would rise, thinking that Detro had come for me.
Days turned into weeks. Detro’s kindness and accommodations were swept away and replaced with brutality, sickness and hunger. The people around me mourned the loss of Detro. They openly asked about him and wondered where he was.
I kept my head down. I went to work, ate my rations. Every day was like the one before it. My skin was dry, it was always hot, there was always sand and dirt everywhere. At night, I dreamt about Detro. I dreamt that he had been captured, tortured, killed. In those dreams, he never came back for me. I died a miserable, old, dried-out husk of a woman.
Then I started to feel sick and tired, all of the time. I was constantly nauseous and my breasts became tender and sore and began to grow. I wasn’t a fool. I had seen pregnant women and I knew what the signs were. I had been informed that the doctor was understanding and could be trusted. I began to buy the prenatal vitamins from him and he checked on my pregnancy.
The days and weeks passed and there was still no sign of Detro. I wondered what gender the baby would be. A beautiful little girl with dark Goseb hair. A bouncing boy with pale green skin and human eyes. Even here, in this camp, I smiled at the thought. A baby, half me, half Detro.
If only our entire lives had been different. If only we had been completely different people born in a completely different time and place. Then the baby would have been good news, but for us it would only be a danger. It would be a death sentence for me and the baby inside of me. Detro would lose everything.
I kept it a secret, telling no one but the doctor, and even he didn’t know it was half-Goseb. I wished my mother was here. I was desperate for anyone to talk to. I wanted someone else who had been in my situation, but there was no one in my situation. I was alone, all alone, just trusting and hoping that Detro would come back for me.
Think of future bliss, Detro said. So that was what I did. At night, I closed my eyes and imagined The Sanctuary. Humans and Gosebs living side by side. I imagined sitting on a wide green lawn with Detro. Our baby ran around in front of us, jumping and laughing under the sun. We could be free there. We could be together without fear of reprisal. I would be free there. I would be my own person. I would answer to no one.