Hessa

I was going to puke.

I had on the prettiest outfit I'd ever had on, thanks to Bailey doing some shopping for me, and I was going to get vomit all over it. Figures.

My hair was already done in loose curls down my back, which was already a departure from my usual ponytail. But my hands were shaking so badly, I couldn't even get make-up on my pale face. I tried to do a black winged eyeliner which ended in an unfortunate poke in the eye. Then I tried to get eye drops in my eye to get rid of the redness, which just burned like crazy, making both eyes water. Tears streamed down my cheeks unchecked, leaving streaks in my foundation.

I'd have to put a paper bag over my head and cut out a hole to sing through. There was nothing for it.

The doorbell rang, making me jump. I ran as fast as I could to get the door. The tight, black, mermaid style dress didn't allow for a long gait, so it took twice as many steps to get there. I swung open the door and nearly fainted from relief when I saw Esa standing there with her big make-up case.

"Help me!" I cried, rather dramatically.

She took one look at my face and cringed. "I got here in the nick of time, I see."

I grabbed her arm and dragged her in. She set up in my bathroom, telling me to sit on the closed toilet seat and practice my meditation breathing. I tried, I really did, but between the spanx I had on and the fluttering of my heart, I was just happy I didn't pass out.

Esa swiped all kinds of goop across my face, using an endless supply of brushes and sponges. Then she started shoving pins in my hair, jabbing me in the scalp repeatedly. When she was all done, I sprang up and opened my eyes to take a peak in the mirror.

"Oh my God!" I didn't even recognize myself. I looked like a sultry 1930's era singer. My hair was pinned to one side, letting my curls cascade over one shoulder onto the ample cleavage showing, thanks to whatever push-up/platform/girdle thing Bailey gave me to wear. My make-up looked airbrushed on with bright red lips completing the look. The black dress I wore hugged my barely contained curves all the way down to my knees before it flared out in an asymmetrical hemline around my ankles.

Esa was smiling ear to ear like a proud mama behind me. "You look stunning, Hessa."

"I do. I really do," I answered in a hushed tone. I was in awe of what was looking back at me in the mirror. Maybe I could do this.

"Amazing what a little armor does for a woman's confidence, huh?" Esa winked at me, knowing I was scared out of my mind.

I twirled around to hug her, almost lifting her off the floor. "You are the very best. Thank you."

She laughed, hugging me back. "Happy to help. Now let's get your heels on and I'll drive you down to Pacific City."

When we arrived in the parking garage below the courtyard, it took three tries before I hefted myself out of Esa's low car. Between the dress, the stiletto heels, and the butterflies in my stomach I wasn't functioning properly.

"Did you bring the barf bags?" I threw over my shoulder to Esa after I'd successfully climbed out of the car.

She barked out a laugh, not realizing I was serious.

I'd decided in the car ride over here that I was going to go to my happy place. I was going to bury my head in the sand and pretend that this whole thing was happening to someone else. I wasn't sure how psychologically healthy that was, but I figured it might help me refrain from puking on my audience, and that right there was worth it. I'd get professional help later.

With that new mindset in place, I got my music sheets out of the trunk, grabbed my water bottle, and sashayed my glorious ass over to the escalator. Time to face the music. Literally.

The first person I saw when the escalator deposited me at the top, was Kai. He was standing right there waiting for me, dressed in a white linen button down shirt over black pants. In his hands was a huge red hibiscus flower.

"You look incredible, Ono. Good enough to eat." He leaned in close to whisper in my ear. "Which I will do tonight to celebrate." Then he placed the flower in my hair behind my ear. "My island girl."

The man knew just what to say to calm my nerves and make me feel like I could do no wrong. We hadn't said those three little words yet, but I felt the love. I could totally bungle this thing tonight and he'd still be totally into me. That was a beautiful feeling.

Hand-in-hand we walked over to the stage, exchanging hellos and head nods with the people already milling around.

"Quit counting people," Kai said out of the side of his mouth. My jaw dropped. How did he know I was doing that?

"Look here." Kai gestured to the first two rows of seats closest to the stage. They all had reserved signs on them. When I did a double take, Kai clued me in.

"Your girls reserved the seats for them and your sister. Figured if you got nervous, you could just look out at us and pretend the rest of the people weren't even here."

"That's so sweet, and so perfect. I'll have to thank them big time later." I was touched everyone was being so kind and thoughtful. They were thinking of things I hadn't even considered, knowing this was a big step for me. The heavy pressure on my chest eased up a bit, allowing me to breathe a little deeper.

I put my music sheets on the little table up on the stage, checked the microphone height, and talked to the AV guy about doing a sound check. I kept my back to the chairs, letting them fill up without watching it happen and panicking.

Eventually, Kai led me off to the side of the stage and put his hands on my face, careful not to mess up my hair or make-up, but demanding my full attention. My legs were shaking and I swallowed hard. I let all the terror I felt show through my eyes.

"I know, baby. I know you're scared. But I want you to take a moment, okay?" At my frightened nod, he continued. "Close your eyes. I want you to picture Gabe in that hospital bed. How frightened he and his mother must have been. Now picture Ms. Martinez' face when you hand her the check from tonight. See how her eyes light up and the weight is lifted off her shoulders? You did that, Hessa."

Kai gives me a slight shake and I can feel the energy shift. I can feel the scared being tamped down by the joy I'll have doing something that would mean so much to my student. Instead of my failure in the form of a student now in jail, I had the opportunity to do good, to set things right. His words strengthened my resolve and my spine straightened with renewed purpose.

"You are a beautiful, smart, courageous, strong woman. And your students get to see that tonight. Let us see you, Ono. Give us the gift of your music."

Then he leaned down and kissed me lightly. I kept my eyes closed a few moments longer to bottle up this empowered feeling, knowing I'd need it as the night went on. I didn't ever want to lose this feeling right here. That moment when you know you have to do something that scares you to your core, but once it's over, you know you'll never be the same. What was life without risk?

I finally blinked my eyes open, seeing Kai smiling at me like I was all he needed in this world. The white lights above cast a romantic light on a beautiful evening. Waves crashed nearby and the palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze. Perfection.

I gave Kai a saucy wink and headed to my stage.

As I reached up to grab the microphone, with the worst timing ever, my feet sent up a red flag warning. They were dying a thousand deaths in these damn heels and I suddenly understood Kai's dogged determination to remain barefoot no matter the dress code. Tonight, of all nights, was about getting out of my comfort zone so I figured I'd go whole hog. The heels went flying as I kicked them off, and the crowd whistled and hollered, probably wondering what this performance was gearing up to be.

I tilted the mic, placed my fingers on the keyboard, and looked up, putting all thoughts of wardrobe behind me. A sea of faces looked back at me, but all I focused on was Ms. Martinez in the first row, next to Esa and Ivan. I looked to the right and saw Kai seated next to my sister. The full Squad was here, along with a sea of lifeguards who were probably recruited by Kai.

"Welcome friends!" I hollered into the microphone. "I'm Hessa Woodland, an English teacher at Surf City High. We're all here to listen to some great music...let's hope." The crowd laughed right on cue. Self-deprecation was always a crowd pleaser. "We're also here to raise money to help support one of my students who was in an unfortunate accident. So focus your audio, don't be parsimonious, and you can Google what that all means later. Enjoy!"

I launched right into my first cover, making a few errors on the keys, but knowing most wouldn't even notice. And if they did, oh well. I was doing my best. I closed my eyes and melted into the music, losing myself to the words and the melody. I found myself more at home on the stage than I ever thought.

After three songs, I took my fingers off the keys and took a sip of water. Time to rip my heart open and let my guts spill out onto the floor.

"Up until a few months ago, no one, absolutely no one knew that I wrote songs in my spare time. It was a creative release for me. I loved stringing words together and putting them to music. So much of my writing had to be academic, but with songwriting, I could break all the rules. Sing about all the emotions. When I was dared to sing in public, I believe it was meant to be a way to humiliate me. But I won't be shamed about my music any longer. In fact, I wholeheartedly thank the misguided soul who dared me. It was the push I needed to do what I should have done a long time ago." I took a long cleansing breath. "So without further ado, I give you three of my own songs."

I played the opening bars on the keyboard to the first one when my fingers locked up and my heart seized. I couldn't do it. Singing other people's songs was one thing. Singing the songs I wrote from the heart, not thinking at the time that anyone would ever hear them? That was insanity.

I lifted my head and frantically searched out Kai in the crowd. I couldn't find him. His seat was empty.

Abandoned.

My heart dropped, a dead hunk of muscle of no use in my body without my music and my man.

I had one second of sheer terror and profound, crippling loss before the first strum of the ukulele hit my ears. I whipped my head around and saw Kai strolling onto the stage, playing the intro to my song. He had it memorized because I'd written it and gone over it endlessly while we sat on the beach and watched the waves a few weeks ago. It was a song about the ocean and the flow of life. The dichotomy of the frenzy of crashing waves and their calming rhythm to the observer.

My heart kickstarted and my fingers came back to life. I picked up the tune on my keyboard and joined him. His eyes never left my face, his warm smile grounding me and reminding me of what I was really doing here. This was about facing my fears and helping my students. My songs could suck and I'd still survive. But together, we'd finish what I'd started.

I launched into the lyrics, my voice stronger than before, my island boy playing a duet with me, the ocean our backdrop.

I wondered briefly how I got here. Whose life was this? How could so much change in so short a period of time?

Perhaps the answer was in my song: each crazy event of late felt like chaos while I was in it. Waves tumbled rocks, no rhyme or reason to the way they crashed. Sand shifted, shells scraped unsuspecting ankles, and riptides pulled people in. The water splashing, the relentless pounding, and the hiss of the foam dispersing. The ocean waves all perfectly described the chaos of my life at the moment. Yet through a different lens, each wave was just a soothing rhythm that calmed the mind and acted as a balm for the spirit.

So here I was.

Instead of sitting idly by, I was going to jump the waves, splash around, and enjoy the water.